Burn Out

I've always thought of work whenever I've heard the term "burn out". I work in a high stress environment so I'm really atune to watching for that feeling in regards to work.

Lately, I've felt this fatigue, heaviness, dullness, lack of interest, lackadasical feeling about life in general. I've pondered it, prayed about it, meditated about it and have come up with nothing except awareness of it.

I've known that it's not really related to work. Work isn't perfect but it is still something that I am interested in and enjoy. Nope....that isn't it.

What then? Where is this coming from and how come it's not lifting? I sleep, eat, and rest well. I watch out for "HALT". The light bulb just went off and I know what it is now. I am suffering from relationship burn out.

I've gone through my husband finding sobriety and his struggles with recovery thereafter. Clean time, yes. Recovery time, no. I'd rather he just pick up and be gone than what this has been. It's been just tolerable enough to stay but not good enough to feed my soul in any way. In fact, most of my free emotional time is spent patching myself back together after some jerky exchange with him.

Why am I so burned out? Because all of the things that happen to a person that leads them into that state. One of the things about burn out is that you usually don't even realize that that is where you're heading. In hind site I can recognize it all....and it makes perfect sense to me now why I feel this unhappiness and this restlessness. Im tired of a situation that is this tiresome.

So, at least I've identified it but now what?

Take a break. At least figuratively. Focus on me. Let go of wanting anything different. I realized today that I no longer want a happy marriage. I just don't want to be married. That comes as a semi-surprise to me. All of my life all that I wanted was a happy marriage. Now I've figured out other things to want. I give up. It's not in the cards for me. I'm worn out. If I can ever get out of this one I'm finally free to be....I've never before been without the yearn for that type of happiness. Now I don't even want it...anywhere or with anyone. I've convinced myself that it's not possible for me. I realize that other people can do it/have that but for whatever reasons, I am not one of them. I'm not fighting that any longer. I get it.

The only thing that I want now is serenity and peace. Living around my husband continues to be the number one way I sabatouge myself in obtaining that.

More will be revealed. You can't heal what you can't name...and I've named it Relationship Burnout.

Let the healing begin.