http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/jerect/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Sun, 22 Nov 2009 18:00:14 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/jerect/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/jerect/1441-its-been-while.html Sun, 23 Nov 2008 13:31:15 GMT It's been a while since I updated this blog.

Almost a whole year in fact.

What a year this has been!!!!

I wish I could write that things have gotten better, that the hubby is clean and life is perfect.. all of this is just wishful thinking..

It's taken me a year to hit bottom.. a whole freaking year!!!! But the only way back is up right? I'm working on putting the focus back on me.. the cold hard truth is that my AH is an addict... addiction is insanity and I cannot reason with insanity so whats the use of arguing, begging, pleading, crying or any of that pathetic stuff.. It's not going to make him stop doing what he is doing.. it's just going to make me crazy.. I have had enough crazy for awhile.

About a month ago, my AH started taking suboxone.. however thats all he is doing.. He is still drinking beer, he is still smoking pot and he says he is not ready to go to meetings.. he wants to wait until he feels better... quack, quack, quack... At first I tried to talk some reason into him.. but then I realized what good does it do. Addicts who are actively using don't rationalize things the way normal people do.

I figure the best thing I can do is to go to as many meetings as I can and do everything that I am supposed to do in order to help myself.. I think I have gotten the first three steps though some days I'm faking it but at least I'm putting forth the effort.. My husband is the first to blame everyone else for his problems.. but I'm not going to allow him to blame me anymore.. He can't do that if I'm working on me and going to meetings and living my life as meaningful as possible.

A year ago I coulden't even contemplate leaving my husband.. now I can see myself leaving.. I find myself thinking about exit plans more and more.. It hurts to think about it but I have to ask myself... would I rather hurt for just a little while longer or endure the same things that i have in the the last year again and again and again.. I'm starting to think that the pain of leaving is a lot easier to bear then the pain of staying another year..

So I'm closing this with the "What am I going to do for myself today?" list

1. Getting off here and heading to the gym... my goal is to run 5 miles today..

2. Need to get my sister and her families christmas presents wrapped and ready to be shipped out to Hawaii in the morning.. (why do they have to live so far away?)

3. Relax and read a good book and think about how wonderful it is that I only have a three day work week this week. ]]> jerect http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/jerect/1441-its-been-while.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/jerect/300-all-anxiety.html Wed, 13 Feb 2008 22:57:40 GMT I have all this anxiety tonight.

I guess I'm trying to digest everything that has happend to me in the last several months. Finding pills in my supposedly Recovering Husbands possesion. My husband lying to me time and time again swearing that he wasn't using them. Me turning into a codependant lunatic making our already fragil marriage crack.

I have at least admitted to myself that I'm no longer in control. I have to get control back over my life. What my husband does is what my husband is going to do.

He finally admitted to using last week. We have an appointment with a therapist that specializes in substance abuse. After many emotionaly draining weeks I finally have a glimps of optimism. I'm not getting my hope up too much though because my AH is very week and easily influenced to his environment. Drugs are readily available where he works. But right now I can't think about that..

Maybe the shrink can give me some anti depressents.. anything to give me some relief from my emotions. ]]> jerect http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/jerect/300-all-anxiety.html