Pending2
Posted 07-16-2008 at 09:44 PM by horsegyrl
I have to write a blog or I will never get to answer my messages. So my blog is to say that I don't feel like I belong in my own skin, much less here. But now I've met people. Some are here to help, some need help and all are reaching out to make things better. It makes it hard to bring up my own issues at times, because I am compelled to help and I'm older than many and it seems like I should be supportive, not ask for support.
So I'll whine here to myself. I have been pretty much been able to rationalize staying drunk for 27 years as much as humanly and possible while at the same time working to make ends meet and raising two kids on my own. That means that I drink on my own time, after hours, late at night, too much at parties, maintainance dose when appropriate. I take care of things. I take care of my family. I take care of my horses, my cats, my grass, the messes, the dust, the bills, the birds, the fences, the dirt, the meals, the shopping, the oil changes, blah blah blah.
I do not take care of myself. It's exhausting to go every day starting with a hangover, counting the drinks in my head to see if maybe it wasn't too many this time. Trying to remember things done and said before falling to bed.
Now, I am trying to stop drinking. For myself. To save myself. To be there for my almost grown boy, my adult daughter. To feel better, to be able to remember and feel every moment. To leave the past behind.
And my back hurts and my skin crawls and my mouth is dry and I'm hungry but I feel ill and I'm not hungry and I feel ill why does my arm hurt oh I think my liver hurts. I cry, I laugh, I keep it to myself. And it's hard.
That's all.
So I'll whine here to myself. I have been pretty much been able to rationalize staying drunk for 27 years as much as humanly and possible while at the same time working to make ends meet and raising two kids on my own. That means that I drink on my own time, after hours, late at night, too much at parties, maintainance dose when appropriate. I take care of things. I take care of my family. I take care of my horses, my cats, my grass, the messes, the dust, the bills, the birds, the fences, the dirt, the meals, the shopping, the oil changes, blah blah blah.
I do not take care of myself. It's exhausting to go every day starting with a hangover, counting the drinks in my head to see if maybe it wasn't too many this time. Trying to remember things done and said before falling to bed.
Now, I am trying to stop drinking. For myself. To save myself. To be there for my almost grown boy, my adult daughter. To feel better, to be able to remember and feel every moment. To leave the past behind.
And my back hurts and my skin crawls and my mouth is dry and I'm hungry but I feel ill and I'm not hungry and I feel ill why does my arm hurt oh I think my liver hurts. I cry, I laugh, I keep it to myself. And it's hard.
That's all.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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You are going to have to start taking care of you...for a change....you are not alone! I understand..been there too>but I had to start taking care of me--this disease will destroy you if you give it an opportunity. Don't give up--hang on for the next 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, 30 minutes etc. You are so worth it!!! 
Posted 07-16-2008 at 10:17 PM by ANGELINA243
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hey sister! ive been drinking for a little over 27yrs myself. ever since i was 16. don't feel alone!! glad to have you here at sr and do keep blogging--keep talking it out to yourself--keep posting. take the support as long as you need it here and then give support when you can.
you might want to think of something that mary kay ash said: "sometimes it's you who needs the meeting and sometimes the meeting needs you". it takes everyone and i've always thought that little saying was kinda deep if you thought about what it means. also you never know here at sr---you may be saying something in despair and it will help someone else know that they aren't alone or something that will resonate with them and help in their recovery. keep posting and welcome!!
faithPosted 07-17-2008 at 04:29 AM by faith08
