http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Wed, 15 Feb 2012 22:24:29 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1664-day-3-again.html Mon, 12 Jan 2009 14:46:30 GMT I'm on day 3 (again) and doing fine. I've managed to slip right back into a healthy routine. I do believe, in hind sight, that we should disclose our alcoholism to family and friends. This will help them to help ourselves. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1664-day-3-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1648-after-130-days-starting-over.html Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:20:06 GMT It all started with a visit to my parents. We went out for dinner. My mom said she wanted a margarita and asked me to join her. I never told her I was an alcoholic. After drinking one margarita I... It all started with a visit to my parents. We went out for dinner. My mom said she wanted a margarita and asked me to join her. I never told her I was an alcoholic. After drinking one margarita I knew I was back to day one. I thought of telling this story on SR. Because I was starting over, I figured I’d first do a little experiment, a very dangerous experiment.

I bought an 18 back and drank 9 beers. The next day I drank 9. The next day I bought another 18 pack and drank 9. It went on like this for two weeks.

The results are as follows:
Stopped taking vitamins
Stopped exercising.
Felt like sh_t and drank to feel better
I felt the bad routine re-anchored
Just want to be left alone
Isolation
One negative activity attracts another
Added nicotine to the mix
When it rains it pours
Serious sleep problems (2-3 hours at a time)
Pounding headaches are back
My body feels poisoned
Eating unhealthy
Stressed out
While in public, I wonder if people can tell
My face feels distorted (pain)
The bloated feeling is back
I feel ugly
Anxiety

I spent yesterday recovering from all the self-abuse. I got a few hours of sleep thorough out the day. Today I feel well enough to write. I slept 12 hours. What kept going through my mind was “You drink to feel good for a few hours then feel like crap the entire next day. Because you feel like crap the entire next day, you drink to feel better, if only for a few hours”. What a downward spiral. What a trap.

I will throw myself back into a healthy routine full of knowledge that when you play with fire, you get burned. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1648-after-130-days-starting-over.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1583-day-122.html Fri, 19 Dec 2008 04:03:27 GMT I spent the day worried about the economy. I wanted to run to the store for a 12 pack. I thought about what it would be like to drink one beer after another and how disappointed I would feel. The... I spent the day worried about the economy. I wanted to run to the store for a 12 pack. I thought about what it would be like to drink one beer after another and how disappointed I would feel. The thought of propelling myself into the routine of drinking again kept me strong. Thank god I remember just how horrible that feels. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1583-day-122.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1496-day-114.html Wed, 10 Dec 2008 04:55:32 GMT I am now convinced that routine is the answer. Your routine is who you are...change your routine and you change yourself. I'm still tweaking it. I sit with a blank page and write what I would like to see change in my routine. I figure, if I can create one without drinking, I can create one that is healthy and fulfilling.

Never let any negative activity become routine.

This includes relationships, eating, driving, careers and hope. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1496-day-114.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1448-day-98.html Tue, 25 Nov 2008 00:40:07 GMT Wow, almost 100 days! I guess this is how you do it; you just stay the course. Just like smoking (not one puff) with drinking, it's, not one sip! I won't say I haven't thought about it but each time I do, it gets easier to shake off. I never ever want to return to the way I used to be. EVER!

I am healthy now. I eat healthy, I exercise, I even think healthy! I consume only what is life-sustaining. I look at everything different now. I look to find the beauty in everything. I catch all the little things around me now:
The wind
the rain
the children playing
the trees
the dirt
the characters that walk this earth
the entertainment that once slipped by

What a turn around. What an adventure. To conquer oneself is a true accomplishment! ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1448-day-98.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1417-day-90.html Sun, 16 Nov 2008 13:23:13 GMT The other day I was out running errands. I was caught across town at rush hour. I decided to eat dinner and head home in a couple of hours. As I sat down to eat a 2 hour meal at Chili's, I noticed a few patrons with the same idea. They were ordering drinks. I thought I could have a couple. The scolding began... "why on earth would I want to do that?" "If I'm not going to get drunk, why even get started?"..."I don't want to get drunk!" "It would be nice to have an attitude adjustment"..."Maybe I can do a test and see if I can have just two and continue my routine tomorrow"... "Is there any truth to the disease?"..."What happens later when I'm offered a drink and accept so I'm apart of the group". Man! What the %@&!

I ordered sweet tea...it just wasn't worth the risk. I remembered how long it took me to quit. I remembered the disappointment I felt for seemingly trying to kill myself. I remembered the loss of self control. I'm on track now, I'm healing. I'm healthy. I have a renewed self worth. I cannot go back to the way it was, no matter how I feel or what I tell myself. It's a trap. It's a slow and certain death. I may as well jump off a bridge.

I am so glad I went through that ordeal. I learned how much I really care about myself. Each time I get that close to throwing in the towel, I get stronger in my determination to live. I am the first person I see when I wake up. I am the last person I see when I go to bed. It is critical for me to be in my own corner. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1417-day-90.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1397-day-83.html Mon, 10 Nov 2008 03:09:22 GMT It's two weeks into my exercise routine. I'm amazed at how quickly I can change. Routine is everything! I feel I must do something each day. It take me but a few seconds to decide and out the door I go. Where did I get so much energy? I feel addicted to moving. I went from doing nothing to doing everything. Wow, what happened? It's "routine" again! Even if you fake a routine, to begin with, it will eventually stick. That tells me that each one of us can become exactly what we choose.

Let's say, for example, I wanted to become a super hero. I would exercise and do as a super hero does, with the exception to using super powers of course. All super heroes exercise! I'll listen to some super hero music while walking around and exercising and jogging and jumping and stuff. I should slim down in no time.

You may laugh but this is exactly how changes are made. By anchoring a routine. At first, the routine is foreign to us. But then, after repeating the cycle, the pattern becomes a part of us. This is exactly how I got trapped into drinking. This process (routine) is so powerful that it takes countless lives each year. Why not use it to our advantage?

My routine is to have an adventure each day. It may be walking, running, cycling, or hiking. I try to video or photograph nature and places I visit. Today, while cycling, I found a pond with many ducks. I found a bench and sat down. They must have been conditioned because they all swam towards me. After seeing I had no food they swam away, they weren't happy. Tomorrow I'll take them bread and film my interaction with them. I am so looking forward to the adventure. I'm addicted now and sure I'll find something to do each day.

Prayers ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1397-day-83.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1375-day-77.html Mon, 03 Nov 2008 22:53:40 GMT Yesterday I thought about drinking. The thought just came out of the blue. Although it's been awhile since I'd given it a moments thought, It appears to be still with me. I thought of all the disadvantages of having "just one" and quickly focused my attention elsewhere. I cannot, for the life of me, see the "need' to ever drink again. There is absolutely no advantage. There are however, many, many disadvantages. I'm exercising every day and feel more alive now than the past 20 years. The party is over and I am grateful. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1375-day-77.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1354-day-71.html Tue, 28 Oct 2008 04:34:49 GMT Well, there's nothing to enter really. Just the same routine. A healthy routine. I bought a new bicycle, a Brompton. It folds up very small so I can take it anywhere. It's hand made from England. I installed a small gas motor on it for long trips. The thing really flies down the road. I'm getting back into photography now. I ride the bike for miles and miles taking photos and video. I carry a hammock for some serious chillin' -- talk about an escape! When I get tired of peddling I just crank up the motor and fly back home. I found that my camera was taking pictures at half the resolution. It's now maxed out at 8 MB. Wow, what a difference! Life is so wonderful. I keep moving forward to peek around the next bend. I'm excited, with anticipation, at what may lie ahead. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1354-day-71.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1338-day-66.html Fri, 24 Oct 2008 01:27:33 GMT I watched MythBusters tonight (Tivo) and they did some drinking experiments. They got totally hammered to see if coordination and attraction, to the opposite sex, would be effected. I wondered if... I watched MythBusters tonight (Tivo) and they did some drinking experiments. They got totally hammered to see if coordination and attraction, to the opposite sex, would be effected.

I wondered if I were on that show and sober, if I'd be able to do that "for the cause". I wondered if any of these three stars were "sober". Hmmm

After some thought... I know that I have an addictive personality. I go with either extreme, to kill myself or nestle into a healthy lifestyle. I've been the drunkard route and don't want to return. I realize it's dangerous to think about but could I do what they did for the sake of the show, and survive? Would I be able to slip back into my sober routine? I think I could but I remember when I quit smoking where I'd have one and throw in the towel.

Are we that much of a time bomb? Are we that fragile? Is it really that dangerous? Are we that ignorant to want to think about it, let alone, find out? Prayers ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1338-day-66.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1318-day-59.html Thu, 16 Oct 2008 12:10:50 GMT Day 59...
...and lovin' every minute of it. It gets easier and more enjoyable each day. The only thought I give to alcohol now is remembering to check in here after a few days. I guess it's good to remember the process I went through. Drinking doesn't make your life better, it takes life from you. I so enjoy the night--the natural winding down of the day. The natural drifting off to sleep. The slow morning wake ups without feeling like a beached whale. It really is amazing--once you completely leave drinking, you look back and can't believe why it was so hard to quit.

Alcohol is a trap. It fools you by first making you feel good. It sucks you into an artificial world. Alcohol is an accumulative poison. Once aware of its dangers, it should be avoided like fire and electricity.

"I don't like how it tastes and I don't like how it makes me feel." So Simple, Now!

It helps me to think drinking is a bad habit. It is a very destructive routine. I had to pull all the stops when changing this routine. It took a lot of stupid little things. Each one had power in breaking free from the chains. I kept telling myself this;
"no matter how I feel, no matter what I think, I will not drink" I knew I would try to justify drinking. I would tell myself the craziest things. I used all that I knew about myself to conquer myself. It sounds crazy but I was my worst enemy. I was the one who got myself into this mess in the first place. How was I going to get myself out? I first looked at my weaknesses and used or changed them to my advantage. I then looked at my few strengths and used them against myself in the effort to remain free. Looking back makes me realize that I had to be serious enough, to quit, in order to make all these silly little changes. It took work, it took planning. It doesn't make much sense that I had to put so much effort into surviving alcohol. I must have been a completely different person 59 days ago because I just don't understand now, why it took so much effort. If you took a sip of beer and it swelled up your throat, you would never touch it again. We are all allergic to alcohol. The moment the negatives outweigh the positives, we want to quit. By this time, the routine is anchored like any bad habit. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1318-day-59.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1315-day-56.html Tue, 14 Oct 2008 00:35:25 GMT I figured I'd check in to see how many days it's been. Time sure does fly. It's strange. I haven't been logging on lately but feel that I must say goodbye to the 60 day and under group. I don't want to be late to say goodbye. How strange is that? I guess life is just normal for me again. This time it's different. I am no longer practicing a habit of destruction. Sometimes I feel like something is missing. There sure is, a lot of heartache. I find it interesting that even heartache makes you feel like you're doing something. It's different being at peace. I'm not used to it. Life is full of adjustments. I may as well make adjustments for the good.

:bounce ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1315-day-56.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1297-day-48.html Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:29:37 GMT Almost a week goes by now before even thinking about posting to my blog. If 48 days ago someone told me "soon the day will come where you won't give drinking a moments thought", I would have told them they were crazy. I now go for more than a week, at a time, without any memory of how I used to spend my time. I'm beginning to think drinking is nothing more than a nasty habit. Once your routine has changed you just don't do it anymore. I guess I'll only know if the day ever comes where I take one sip. I have no desire to drink, none. It holds the same thought process of electricity and fire, I simply stay away from it. Why would I ever take a sip. Think about it. I have no desire to get drunk so why would I have only one sip or one beer? I guess I have enough bad memories from my experience. It's like trying to avoid stubbing your toe, like staying away from poison ivy, like paying attention not to get your hand closed in the car door or being conscious enough to keep from tripping over something while you walk I'm sure there are some people here that would caution me of my "disease". I don't believe I have a disease. I think I used to. Like dyslexia, the cure is awareness and I believe I'm cured. I am now simply aware of the danger. That's the trap! Alcohol doesn't look dangerous in the beginning. It is a slow poison that tricks you by making you forget all your troubles. It makes you feel good with an instant attitude adjustment. Like any drug, you gravitate toward that carefree mindset. Once sober, you find another way to escape, one that is not as risky, one that is more natural. At day 48 it makes perfect sense to me. I see it so clearly. Why is it so difficult to get here? What took me so long? Why did it work this time? Did I turn back, just in time, to save myself? Do we have to collect so much negativity and hurt those around us to finally see? I guess we are all different. We all have our limits to how much we can take. I pray that everyone finds their way back and in time. Prayers ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1297-day-48.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1280-day-43.html Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:19:00 GMT I'm starting to think about going back to work. I can make it another two months but then, finding a job during the holidays is a tough experience. I'm surfing the net to see what's going on. There is much need for help in oil production and repairs of current facilities. I feel the need to help. I'm not sure if I want to return to the Nuclear world. I think I've been dosed enough by radiation. At first glance, it appears that there are more jobs then people to do them. I've been unavailable for 3 1/2 years. I hope I can return and offer the same quality of work. I know now that I'm in better shape by eliminating my destructive off-time. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1280-day-43.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1268-day-40.html Sat, 27 Sep 2008 12:56:43 GMT Wow, day 40! It really is amazing how a routine can switch from destruction to empowerment. I'm now including exercise. Taking long walks. I carry my camera (on a tripod) and stop for photos and video. The attention toward capturing nature makes me more aware and calms me. I've gotten into the macro setting and find it amazing. Ants coexist with amazing grace. I saw a deer two days ago. I spooked it when I stepped on a dry leaf. I'll have to be more sure-footed to capture paranoid creatures. I will continue to build my routine by adding activities such as these. Life is what you make it. ]]> HopeTo180 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/hopeto180/1268-day-40.html