http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:12:58 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/2717-identity-theif.html Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:53:25 GMT I have slipped a cog in my sanity, bummer. I snap back and forth like a flag in a strong wind between content and panic. Today, at this moment, I just don't know. Wtf am I doing? Who the fvck am I. And because I don't know, I want to glom on to someone who does, latch on to some artificial identity. AA is the way I have been leaning, but oh what a taste it leaves in my mouth. "lost? hopeless? confused? Come through our doors, work our steps, let us work on you and we will provide you with all that is missing"

That is the promise. I can walk in the door, just another newcomer, filled with self will, and I can be transformed into someone with no self will.

Does that scare anyone else out there? Does the fact that almost ever stepper I meet believes the same god damn thing, in the same narrow fvcking channel, and that everything on earth can be explained by some book/program written eons ago by a lousy drunkard?

Maybe the buddhists will have me. I am sure I can get back in to the scientology fold, I have already done my tr drills, thanks valley apple school.

Maybe I can just go to a dr and medicate all of this away, and not care who I am or what the fvck I am doing anymore. If the doctor prescribes it, I'm not an addict right? and anyway, I never came here to be perfect, I just don't want to eat any more dog sh!t on dares.

If this was really all brought on by a good screw, I should REALLY consider celibacy as a way of life


The stupid part is, everything is really kind of great and I am fine, really I am ]]> Gypsy Feet http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/2717-identity-theif.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/2069-work-progress.html Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:48:42 GMT no raft pushed along by a mighty river for so long. in the beginning a gentler, kinder current freeing, medicating the banks in sight, no need or desire to stop deceptive as time goes on... no raft

pushed along by a mighty river for so long.
in the beginning a gentler, kinder current
freeing, medicating
the banks in sight, no need or desire to stop
deceptive
as time goes on
sharp rocks unavoided

white water, a struggle to keep afloat
pulled under, tossed, no air to breath
no idea which way the surface lie, only darkness and confusion

eyes closed from fear of what was around the next bend

shear drops, deadly bottoms

And then
washed up upon the shore
coughing, spitting, sore, afraid

bask in the sun, drying out for the first time in ages.



beauty all around
paths in every direction, even some that lead back to the river

For now just enjoy the bank, and look around.

Maybe take a few steps down some of the paths, see what there is to see
not taking the paths back to the river, had enough of that to last a life time. ]]> Gypsy Feet http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/2069-work-progress.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/1954-july-30-1999.html Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:53:48 GMT july 30 Whether it is a result of age, brain damage, time, or a survival mechanism I am not sure. I do know that some of my memories have gone from being recollections of the actual events, to being... july 30
Whether it is a result of age, brain damage, time, or a survival mechanism I am not sure. I do know that some of my memories have gone from being recollections of the actual events, to being flavors/feelings in my heart

The end of July, 1999 I died as sure as if my heart stopped. When I died, rather than seeing a white light, I sank to the bottom of a dark abyss. Because it was an abyss of the soul, it was infinitely dark, and infinitely deep. It was heavy, with a weight that crushed down on my chest and made each breath a struggle.

I do not know how long I lay at the bottom, weeks or months I would guess. I know the only reason I did not stop breathing altogether was my 11 soon to be 12 year old daughter. In my memory of flavors and feelings, I can see the smallest silvery filament passing through the dark depth, somehow anchoring me to life, she is that thread.

It took a long time to emerge. I didn't climb or swim up, but at times I actually tried to stay deep. Time slowly lessened the abyss, with no help from me.

My husband kept me safe, padding every sharp corner he could. My daughter kept me alive, and my loved ones taught me how to live all over again.

Time DOES heal. When you doubt this just remember, healing is a process. All wounds heal at a different pace. Some never heal completely, but as long as you live through it, you will continue to heal.

9 years and counting ]]> Gypsy Feet http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/1954-july-30-1999.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/1799-self-righteous-all-knowing-keep-stepping.html Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:50:05 GMT I was editing some photos of my old life. I did not realize the harm they were doing. I feel asleep and had the most heinous dreams. I have lost so much because of that night. because of drinking... I was editing some photos of my old life. I did not realize the harm they were doing. I feel asleep and had the most heinous dreams. I have lost so much because of that night. because of drinking yes, in that because of my actions I have quit drinking to avoid letting the beast within out. But make no mistake: I have lost many friends and a huge part of my life because I QUIT drinking. Some will say they were not true friends, but these pictures show otherwise. I was happy. We were all happy. I will never see any of them again, because, by quitting drinking I am acknowledging the terrible events. Everyone else would be able to forget and get back to life as we knew it

sad day ]]> Gypsy Feet http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/1799-self-righteous-all-knowing-keep-stepping.html