Step 2
Posted 10-18-2009 at 03:42 PM by grewupinabarn
>> What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?
My Hp is a spiritual guiding presence of the universe that speaks through the collective wisdom of others, mostly my alanon group, and coincidence. The latter part has an element of magic to it, but I am ok with that. My HP cares for me. My HP has a plan for me, and life would go better if I just aligned my self with that will. My HP is always trying to talk to me in some way, but I am often to much in my head to hear. My obsession of the mind draws, or yanks, my emotions and thoughts away from hearing my HP.
I often have thought I need to have just the right concept of a HP to hear and learn. Right now it is pretty well minimized of labels and definitions. The most concrete concept is that the HP speaks through my al anon group
There is part of me that really does not think a HP cares about me. I no longer think the HP wants to find me screwing up and punish me, but does HP want to help me?
>> What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?
I thought I had a pretty stripped down, no labels no images, concept that has so little that can be changed. OK, I still don’t believe this HP will help me. Or maybe it cannot help me, even if it is really big. Yet I hope anyway. Maybe a sign, a miracle? I think I am still clinging to the idea that I can come up with ALL the answers, that my thinking brain will come up with the HP’s answer, and that it how such answers come about.
>> Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
I have left behind my catholic beliefs. Maybe I never accepted them. By moving to a rural mountainous area that concept has become more open, less defined, more based on nature and a benevolent being that is everywhere. I have not had any sudden changes in the past or recently. Well, I did really give up on the Church since moving here.
>> What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
I will not become highly obsessed with everything that is less important than what is important (Does that even make sense?), and feel less fear and dread when I am working. And to enjoy friendship and love more, and enjoy my work more. . I just want to go thought the day being a caring effective person. To get stuff done. And to feel that people like me. I still yearn to have people treat me just a certain way (the ‘way’ being constantly evaluated and measured, but generally involves unwavering respect, deferential treatment, and a little awe ;-). Yes I now that is kinda dumb and unrealistic, that the love of friends and relatives should be enough, but it is hard to let go of those rosy expectations, as they are so desirable, and they got me through a rough childhood.
>> Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
Yes. I am still just anxious that I am not doing the right thing to be worthy of guidance. I know my yearning for awe and deference does not fit any spiritual model and is un-christian. So I feel it but mostly I feel that I don’t deserve the guidance, or I that I have to give up to much. Possibly I am afraid of being looked on a silly person who goes around talking endlessly about spirit and convincing no one of anything except that I am a person deserving of little regard.
>> How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon?
This HP is the group as inspired and guided by a HP. The HP speaks to me through the group and the wise counsel of others. The HP wants the best for me and for all humans and works with us, our mistakes, our human frailty and strength, to push the collective whole of humans toward a better future.
>> What does “Let Go and Let God” mean to me?
This is a concept that is evolving a lot lately with some things of Tolle’s I have read. I am guessing the mental obsession, driving my thoughts persistently away from things feared (anything that can/could threaten to NOT comply with expectations) toward just about anything else. Tolle referred to this as the pain body. A posting on the ACoA part of this site referred to it as ‘the thing that fed on the drama’. It is a knot of tightly wound little brain rules that inspire and grow on fearful thoughts and behavior. According to Tolle (taking his cue from Buddhism) one does not suppress this but instead opens up to a one’s higher consciousness (mediation, awareness) and regards the pain-body as a something not to be suppressed but to be allowed to pass into the well lit big room of enlightened awareness, which is naturally full of compassion, and it will eventually leave/quiet down. This is LGLG. Open oneself up with trust and faith all day to the HP, let the pain body decide on its own what to do in this strong light, and let it go do whatever it likes. Tolle (and buddhist teacher Tara Brach) assure us that it will quiet down and recede, as it has no food. The difficult thing to do is trusting and believing 24/7. WHEW – that was a lot. I hope this is not another dysfunctional thought stream. That is the hard part – to realize that one’s own thoughts, in daydreams or in focused problem solving, are mostly pain-body. What do you center upon when one’s own mind cannot be the center???? This is a big trick of faith, harder than any church lesson!!!!
Wow, I am insane! Nothing in this answer relates to the usual LGLG meanings, such as 1) to stop obsessing about others and to let them make their own decisions, and 2) to let go of trying to closely control events that impact one’s life but to let the HP let circumstances occur in what ever way brings to greatest good to the greatest number.
>> What does faith mean to me?
The dictionary says that it is belief without proof, or hope of proof. It is also the belief that the HP is there and that whatever happens it is best for us, that it will all turn out for the best no matter what. I know that it means that one walks with the HP at all times, being guided and loved.
>> With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
I was comfortable with D, but not with K. With M yes but with B or G no. As a child, I never did I talk about this stuff with my parents or any other adult. Of course I am comfortable with my Alanon group and with the populace of the internet, since I post this stuff. Basically I don’t react well to skepticism, even if I am just expecting it and reacting to the expectation.
>> What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
The same answer (to the same ? question 4) as before. [maybe answer 4 should be focused on Letting Go).
>> What does “came to believe” mean to me?
I worked (or will work) effectively, taking little steps through my work, to connect self (ego, superego, id, what ever) to the HP, to make my whole mind believe that HP is a sure thing.
>> What does sanity mean to me?
Not sure. Never been there. Serenity is calm amid the storm. In my case serenity means no fear and dread when working on important, challenging, or emotionally difficult things in my career. And it means that my attention does not drift off at a sprint onto any task that is important, challenging, or emotionally difficult.
Basically, a sort of demon in my brain likes to create exaggerated emotional reactions to problems and then really enjoys watching my thoughts run and/or hide from the problem. It feeds on imagined drama.
I see sanity as a life of challenges, difficulties, ups and downs where I respond with some measure of thought, harmony, intelligence, appropriateness, and kindness. I do not want to obsess, run, and hide anymore. I also see sanity as a life based on love and compassion, with a purpose that is focused on others and less so on my own needs.
>> How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?
To summarize (some of which I have already discussed), I tend to push people away and get obsessed with how people and situations around me are not matched to the precise yet constantly changing illusion in my mind that accord me respect, deference, and awe at all times. I have never had a relationship last longer that 10 months, I let go of friendships easily, and while I work very hard I can be stunningly ineffective and annoyingly inconsistent in my jobs.
The prior paragraph also reveals the classic ACoA trait of reveling in one’s faults. I could go on and on…
>> How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?
Well, it has always been distorted. As mentioned before, I get easily distracted by a sort of ‘pain-body’ that takes the tiniest discomfort or uncertainty and turns it into a overwelming sense of fear and dread regarding responsibilities, or an nearly irresistible urge to think about anything else but my responsibilities. The largest tragedy has been its effect on my relationships, which tend to be fleeting, tenuous, shortlived, and ephemeral, although most start out well enough with passion and care. Hmmm.
>> How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?
I have attended meetings regularly for over a year and have 4 alanon books, including one I bought over 20 years ago (oh why did I stop going then). I have also been reading and posting on this forum. Admittedly, I have posted less regularly in the last half-year as I have focused on these steps and making more of meetings.
Only a few weeks ago did I actually call another alanon member to talk – just talk. That was a big step. I have also had a few meetings with a sponsor.
Since I started these steps, I realized that I really didn’t believe in a HP of my childhood, as provided by the catholic church. When I really focused on what I BELIEVED, it came down to a basic acknowledgement that there is a conscious guiding spirit in the universe that I KNOW is there when I look at a mountain landscape, and this HP expresses HP-self (he/she/they) in my group, or in wise counsel of others (books, music). I have not yet turned to this power, but I have suggested strongly and persistently to the ‘pain body’ in me to look this HP, to trust this HP, and to turn its will over to this HP. I feel that it has to be along for the ride, and that it has not conceded that what it does it powerless over others. Right now I am praying to the HP and ‘showing’ this HP to the pain-body. I know this is important, and as the BB said on p66
>> In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?
I am not sure I have had a complete Step 2 experience. I have reached the ‘came to’ part, but not the ‘came to believe’. That demon/pain body in me still wants to see the world adjust itself to my insecurities, self-centered fear. I still react, not respond, and I react with resentment. I have yet to put down the weapon of resentment, and I have not put down the foggy lenses of expectations. I have verbally shared some thoughts on a HP, but no where near to the focus and breadth of this document.
>> When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?
I have continued to enter new jobs and new relationships with the same behavior patterns (multi-spectral self-centered expectations and multi-dimensional resentments) and hoping that I can tweek the circumstances or come up with my own recipe of targeted behavior (if I just smile this way, or image a pigeon whenever I feel fearful, then everyone will act accordingly to my expectations). Not much has changed. What has changed is my awareness of how my thinking patterns are getting in the way, and that THERE IS an option – and that a HP is that option. I have not come to believe in that option, I just know it is an option. And I am on the road to believing that a HP can restore me. The demon/pain-body/thing that feeds on the drama is not yet ready to even concede powerlessness.
My Hp is a spiritual guiding presence of the universe that speaks through the collective wisdom of others, mostly my alanon group, and coincidence. The latter part has an element of magic to it, but I am ok with that. My HP cares for me. My HP has a plan for me, and life would go better if I just aligned my self with that will. My HP is always trying to talk to me in some way, but I am often to much in my head to hear. My obsession of the mind draws, or yanks, my emotions and thoughts away from hearing my HP.
I often have thought I need to have just the right concept of a HP to hear and learn. Right now it is pretty well minimized of labels and definitions. The most concrete concept is that the HP speaks through my al anon group
There is part of me that really does not think a HP cares about me. I no longer think the HP wants to find me screwing up and punish me, but does HP want to help me?
>> What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?
I thought I had a pretty stripped down, no labels no images, concept that has so little that can be changed. OK, I still don’t believe this HP will help me. Or maybe it cannot help me, even if it is really big. Yet I hope anyway. Maybe a sign, a miracle? I think I am still clinging to the idea that I can come up with ALL the answers, that my thinking brain will come up with the HP’s answer, and that it how such answers come about.
>> Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
I have left behind my catholic beliefs. Maybe I never accepted them. By moving to a rural mountainous area that concept has become more open, less defined, more based on nature and a benevolent being that is everywhere. I have not had any sudden changes in the past or recently. Well, I did really give up on the Church since moving here.
>> What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
I will not become highly obsessed with everything that is less important than what is important (Does that even make sense?), and feel less fear and dread when I am working. And to enjoy friendship and love more, and enjoy my work more. . I just want to go thought the day being a caring effective person. To get stuff done. And to feel that people like me. I still yearn to have people treat me just a certain way (the ‘way’ being constantly evaluated and measured, but generally involves unwavering respect, deferential treatment, and a little awe ;-). Yes I now that is kinda dumb and unrealistic, that the love of friends and relatives should be enough, but it is hard to let go of those rosy expectations, as they are so desirable, and they got me through a rough childhood.
>> Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
Yes. I am still just anxious that I am not doing the right thing to be worthy of guidance. I know my yearning for awe and deference does not fit any spiritual model and is un-christian. So I feel it but mostly I feel that I don’t deserve the guidance, or I that I have to give up to much. Possibly I am afraid of being looked on a silly person who goes around talking endlessly about spirit and convincing no one of anything except that I am a person deserving of little regard.
>> How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon?
This HP is the group as inspired and guided by a HP. The HP speaks to me through the group and the wise counsel of others. The HP wants the best for me and for all humans and works with us, our mistakes, our human frailty and strength, to push the collective whole of humans toward a better future.
>> What does “Let Go and Let God” mean to me?
This is a concept that is evolving a lot lately with some things of Tolle’s I have read. I am guessing the mental obsession, driving my thoughts persistently away from things feared (anything that can/could threaten to NOT comply with expectations) toward just about anything else. Tolle referred to this as the pain body. A posting on the ACoA part of this site referred to it as ‘the thing that fed on the drama’. It is a knot of tightly wound little brain rules that inspire and grow on fearful thoughts and behavior. According to Tolle (taking his cue from Buddhism) one does not suppress this but instead opens up to a one’s higher consciousness (mediation, awareness) and regards the pain-body as a something not to be suppressed but to be allowed to pass into the well lit big room of enlightened awareness, which is naturally full of compassion, and it will eventually leave/quiet down. This is LGLG. Open oneself up with trust and faith all day to the HP, let the pain body decide on its own what to do in this strong light, and let it go do whatever it likes. Tolle (and buddhist teacher Tara Brach) assure us that it will quiet down and recede, as it has no food. The difficult thing to do is trusting and believing 24/7. WHEW – that was a lot. I hope this is not another dysfunctional thought stream. That is the hard part – to realize that one’s own thoughts, in daydreams or in focused problem solving, are mostly pain-body. What do you center upon when one’s own mind cannot be the center???? This is a big trick of faith, harder than any church lesson!!!!
Wow, I am insane! Nothing in this answer relates to the usual LGLG meanings, such as 1) to stop obsessing about others and to let them make their own decisions, and 2) to let go of trying to closely control events that impact one’s life but to let the HP let circumstances occur in what ever way brings to greatest good to the greatest number.
>> What does faith mean to me?
The dictionary says that it is belief without proof, or hope of proof. It is also the belief that the HP is there and that whatever happens it is best for us, that it will all turn out for the best no matter what. I know that it means that one walks with the HP at all times, being guided and loved.
>> With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
I was comfortable with D, but not with K. With M yes but with B or G no. As a child, I never did I talk about this stuff with my parents or any other adult. Of course I am comfortable with my Alanon group and with the populace of the internet, since I post this stuff. Basically I don’t react well to skepticism, even if I am just expecting it and reacting to the expectation.
>> What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
The same answer (to the same ? question 4) as before. [maybe answer 4 should be focused on Letting Go).
>> What does “came to believe” mean to me?
I worked (or will work) effectively, taking little steps through my work, to connect self (ego, superego, id, what ever) to the HP, to make my whole mind believe that HP is a sure thing.
>> What does sanity mean to me?
Not sure. Never been there. Serenity is calm amid the storm. In my case serenity means no fear and dread when working on important, challenging, or emotionally difficult things in my career. And it means that my attention does not drift off at a sprint onto any task that is important, challenging, or emotionally difficult.
Basically, a sort of demon in my brain likes to create exaggerated emotional reactions to problems and then really enjoys watching my thoughts run and/or hide from the problem. It feeds on imagined drama.
I see sanity as a life of challenges, difficulties, ups and downs where I respond with some measure of thought, harmony, intelligence, appropriateness, and kindness. I do not want to obsess, run, and hide anymore. I also see sanity as a life based on love and compassion, with a purpose that is focused on others and less so on my own needs.
>> How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?
To summarize (some of which I have already discussed), I tend to push people away and get obsessed with how people and situations around me are not matched to the precise yet constantly changing illusion in my mind that accord me respect, deference, and awe at all times. I have never had a relationship last longer that 10 months, I let go of friendships easily, and while I work very hard I can be stunningly ineffective and annoyingly inconsistent in my jobs.
The prior paragraph also reveals the classic ACoA trait of reveling in one’s faults. I could go on and on…
>> How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?
Well, it has always been distorted. As mentioned before, I get easily distracted by a sort of ‘pain-body’ that takes the tiniest discomfort or uncertainty and turns it into a overwelming sense of fear and dread regarding responsibilities, or an nearly irresistible urge to think about anything else but my responsibilities. The largest tragedy has been its effect on my relationships, which tend to be fleeting, tenuous, shortlived, and ephemeral, although most start out well enough with passion and care. Hmmm.
>> How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?
I have attended meetings regularly for over a year and have 4 alanon books, including one I bought over 20 years ago (oh why did I stop going then). I have also been reading and posting on this forum. Admittedly, I have posted less regularly in the last half-year as I have focused on these steps and making more of meetings.
Only a few weeks ago did I actually call another alanon member to talk – just talk. That was a big step. I have also had a few meetings with a sponsor.
Since I started these steps, I realized that I really didn’t believe in a HP of my childhood, as provided by the catholic church. When I really focused on what I BELIEVED, it came down to a basic acknowledgement that there is a conscious guiding spirit in the universe that I KNOW is there when I look at a mountain landscape, and this HP expresses HP-self (he/she/they) in my group, or in wise counsel of others (books, music). I have not yet turned to this power, but I have suggested strongly and persistently to the ‘pain body’ in me to look this HP, to trust this HP, and to turn its will over to this HP. I feel that it has to be along for the ride, and that it has not conceded that what it does it powerless over others. Right now I am praying to the HP and ‘showing’ this HP to the pain-body. I know this is important, and as the BB said on p66
>> In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?
I am not sure I have had a complete Step 2 experience. I have reached the ‘came to’ part, but not the ‘came to believe’. That demon/pain body in me still wants to see the world adjust itself to my insecurities, self-centered fear. I still react, not respond, and I react with resentment. I have yet to put down the weapon of resentment, and I have not put down the foggy lenses of expectations. I have verbally shared some thoughts on a HP, but no where near to the focus and breadth of this document.
>> When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?
I have continued to enter new jobs and new relationships with the same behavior patterns (multi-spectral self-centered expectations and multi-dimensional resentments) and hoping that I can tweek the circumstances or come up with my own recipe of targeted behavior (if I just smile this way, or image a pigeon whenever I feel fearful, then everyone will act accordingly to my expectations). Not much has changed. What has changed is my awareness of how my thinking patterns are getting in the way, and that THERE IS an option – and that a HP is that option. I have not come to believe in that option, I just know it is an option. And I am on the road to believing that a HP can restore me. The demon/pain-body/thing that feeds on the drama is not yet ready to even concede powerlessness.
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