Step 1
>> Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I can’t control anyone’s drinking. That was pretty obvious. If they want to drink go ahead. I knew well that I could not stop my parents’ drinking. I never did the ‘pour it down the drain’ thing. I just really wished that the drunkeness was less humiliating to watch. I definately couldn't control my dad's bitter anger at his family, how much he preferred his drunken pals, or my mother's withdrawal from life. At times they were both happy to be with their kids and not drunk, but it was notable enough to be a surprise.
>> How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I never really accepted that they thought differently than I, other that they were adults. Alcoholics DO think differently, even highly functional ones like my dad. Ok. So what I did had less chance of changing them than I had ever realized. Trying to call a cat with a dog whistle.
>> Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Oh yes. I am not sure if I emotionally accept that they had an obsession of the mind. Some emotion in me still thinks they had a choice. Dumb.
>> How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
A nearly continuous stream from the day I learned to pick my nose of passive aggressive reactions. Plus I have a constantly changing model of how everyone should be acting toward me and any deviance from it indicates ridicule and disrespect. I know my inability to deal with imperfect Beings, an intolerance that is the common thread of inhumanity in civilization and the elimination of which is THE GOAL OF EVERY MAJOR RELIGION AND CIVIC ORGANIZATION, has made me just miserable. A sometime friend, poor employee.
>> What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I work hard, if ineffectively, at most jobs to get what I consciously want. Though I don’t really know what I want. as that saying goes – to get what you want out of life decide what you want out of life. I generally took my goals from others. Whenever I have focuses on my goals it seems I’ve gotten slapped hard by life. Soooo I guess that means that I have wanted much and gotten little. I have managed some good things (master’s degree, enriching outdoor work, a few happy employers and clients) but it seemed to happen if I didn’t focus too hard.
>> How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Resentment. At first it was strong and then it went away, maybe. I responded with more passive aggressive. I don’t think I ever responded without a little passive aggression, as I don’t think I really had an end goal for their behavior changes. So I always had an excuse to resent.
>> What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I….don’t know. I always pinned my happiness to them becoming better people, less embarrassing to be around, less bullshit slurred compliments (were they all bs), and more approachable. More like people I could rely on to make me feel better. Oh god - that is so very very codie. I think it would generally be better if I didn’t have so many expectations, epecailly those that relate to my percieved mistreatment (“everyone is so unfair” feelings).
>> How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I am trying to focus on my HP, on the Present, on the power of my alanon group and other wise counsel. The Big & Now spiritual picture. I am trying to let go of the obsessive self-centered fear, let of the thing that feeds on the fear and drama, and the drama of searching for some sort of answer. Search for a better lit room.
>> Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Many times have I tried. I just hate waiting to get better while I am still screwing up realtionships in work and personal life. There is not quick fix, but I am unsure of the slow patient path.
>> In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Nearly all the time. I always feel that their behavior can be modified somehow to make me feel better about myself. I really do depend on others to make me feel better and resent it deeply if they don’t comply.
>> In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
1) when watching movies where there is humiliation and shame as the result of an actor’s decision – really hard to watch. 2) so many times when I watched my dad drunk on the floor or front lawn, or watched my mother sitting on her bed staring out the window hopelessly (did she …mean to be seen by her kids in this pose, the door was open so often when she sat like that….uuggh).
>> What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I bought a house for which I likely overpaid and definitely under inspected. I inventoried everything except my self. It was such a obvious personal mistake from day 1, that it made it clear, along with the failed relationship, that I had shortcomings that would ruin or kill me if I did’nt address them. I have read it takes a criis that is clearly self-made to go into recovery. so very true. I had a crisis and it was mine.
I don’t know what I would gain but I expected something quicker. I was hoping for a BillW-style spiritual awakening, but I am not alcoholic and haven’t been close to death. Only lately have I had to revisit steps 1 and 2 and really work the steps. Hopefully I can keep writing honest answers.
>> Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
K was concerned, expressing it in her critical/insightful way. D also noted my habit of pushing away people. My sister and I have a co-concern club. I am pretty sure my parents were concerned, but only now do I see why that concern didn’t come out in a recognizable form.
>> How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I have had no relationship longer than 10 months, I am constantly bothered with a yearning searching self centered fear (stinking thinking).
>> How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Nearly everyone. Or I am looking for the right kind of reaction, even if it is negative. Such as awe or reverence. (just kidding, I think - not always sure what I am expecting.)
>> Do I say ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no’? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I have never had a strong desire to say no, just a desire to say yes and maybe a cloud of uncertain thoughts, mostly pondering what sort of reaction I want to see or expectations from saying yes or no (ie – a lack of expectations is not an option).
>> Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
This is confusing. Ok, I act and speak with expectations of others reactions, and this is not caring. I don’t believe I have done a lot a caring, except caring with expectations. Caring is just another option for creating expectations. Yes, I really don’t care for myself except to address my fears. In other ways I ignore my needs and desires as much as I ignore others.
>> How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I don’t thrive well in smooth times, I make a crisis somehow out of every day that I am not in the classroom. Or I find a way to manipulate the day to make tomorrow more of a crisis. I have spent far too many Tuesdays and Thursdays accomplishing little except parsing the word GOD. I only get things done 1) in crisis mode or 2) at night.
>> How well do I take care of myself?
I take care of my bodily health quite well. I severely abuse my mental health.
>> How do I feel when I am alone?
There is often a feeling of ‘should, must, ought to’ when I am alone and I often end up procrastinating around the biggest” should, ought to, must”
>> What is the difference between pity and love?
Love is caring for all parts of a person, admiring strength as well as compassion for weakness. Pity is the focus on the failings, the destitute , and the suffering of another and feeling EMPOWERED by that. Yes, I do search out failings in others to make myself feel good even as I say to myself I am just interested.
>> Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I am attracted to friendships with men who seem in need of help. Ooohhhh - That is new. I am definitely not attracted to men with strong egos. As for women, it is more intelligence that is attractive. No, really – that is the only common denominator in all my short relationships – wicked smart with degrees and accomplishments to prove it. I have never dated very needy women, ever. That part of my mother is kind of repulsive to me, in women at least. In men…….sort of one yearning endlessly like me. Maybe some neediness. Yeah, like me.
>> Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No. My instincts are awful. My feelings seem to run in all directions and I try to supress them more often than not. No, I don’t know what they are. Apart from fear I react in a way to create certain responses by others.
I can’t control anyone’s drinking. That was pretty obvious. If they want to drink go ahead. I knew well that I could not stop my parents’ drinking. I never did the ‘pour it down the drain’ thing. I just really wished that the drunkeness was less humiliating to watch. I definately couldn't control my dad's bitter anger at his family, how much he preferred his drunken pals, or my mother's withdrawal from life. At times they were both happy to be with their kids and not drunk, but it was notable enough to be a surprise.
>> How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I never really accepted that they thought differently than I, other that they were adults. Alcoholics DO think differently, even highly functional ones like my dad. Ok. So what I did had less chance of changing them than I had ever realized. Trying to call a cat with a dog whistle.
>> Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
Oh yes. I am not sure if I emotionally accept that they had an obsession of the mind. Some emotion in me still thinks they had a choice. Dumb.
>> How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
A nearly continuous stream from the day I learned to pick my nose of passive aggressive reactions. Plus I have a constantly changing model of how everyone should be acting toward me and any deviance from it indicates ridicule and disrespect. I know my inability to deal with imperfect Beings, an intolerance that is the common thread of inhumanity in civilization and the elimination of which is THE GOAL OF EVERY MAJOR RELIGION AND CIVIC ORGANIZATION, has made me just miserable. A sometime friend, poor employee.
>> What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I work hard, if ineffectively, at most jobs to get what I consciously want. Though I don’t really know what I want. as that saying goes – to get what you want out of life decide what you want out of life. I generally took my goals from others. Whenever I have focuses on my goals it seems I’ve gotten slapped hard by life. Soooo I guess that means that I have wanted much and gotten little. I have managed some good things (master’s degree, enriching outdoor work, a few happy employers and clients) but it seemed to happen if I didn’t focus too hard.
>> How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
Resentment. At first it was strong and then it went away, maybe. I responded with more passive aggressive. I don’t think I ever responded without a little passive aggression, as I don’t think I really had an end goal for their behavior changes. So I always had an excuse to resent.
>> What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
I….don’t know. I always pinned my happiness to them becoming better people, less embarrassing to be around, less bullshit slurred compliments (were they all bs), and more approachable. More like people I could rely on to make me feel better. Oh god - that is so very very codie. I think it would generally be better if I didn’t have so many expectations, epecailly those that relate to my percieved mistreatment (“everyone is so unfair” feelings).
>> How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I am trying to focus on my HP, on the Present, on the power of my alanon group and other wise counsel. The Big & Now spiritual picture. I am trying to let go of the obsessive self-centered fear, let of the thing that feeds on the fear and drama, and the drama of searching for some sort of answer. Search for a better lit room.
>> Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Many times have I tried. I just hate waiting to get better while I am still screwing up realtionships in work and personal life. There is not quick fix, but I am unsure of the slow patient path.
>> In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Nearly all the time. I always feel that their behavior can be modified somehow to make me feel better about myself. I really do depend on others to make me feel better and resent it deeply if they don’t comply.
>> In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
1) when watching movies where there is humiliation and shame as the result of an actor’s decision – really hard to watch. 2) so many times when I watched my dad drunk on the floor or front lawn, or watched my mother sitting on her bed staring out the window hopelessly (did she …mean to be seen by her kids in this pose, the door was open so often when she sat like that….uuggh).
>> What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I bought a house for which I likely overpaid and definitely under inspected. I inventoried everything except my self. It was such a obvious personal mistake from day 1, that it made it clear, along with the failed relationship, that I had shortcomings that would ruin or kill me if I did’nt address them. I have read it takes a criis that is clearly self-made to go into recovery. so very true. I had a crisis and it was mine.
I don’t know what I would gain but I expected something quicker. I was hoping for a BillW-style spiritual awakening, but I am not alcoholic and haven’t been close to death. Only lately have I had to revisit steps 1 and 2 and really work the steps. Hopefully I can keep writing honest answers.
>> Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
K was concerned, expressing it in her critical/insightful way. D also noted my habit of pushing away people. My sister and I have a co-concern club. I am pretty sure my parents were concerned, but only now do I see why that concern didn’t come out in a recognizable form.
>> How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I have had no relationship longer than 10 months, I am constantly bothered with a yearning searching self centered fear (stinking thinking).
>> How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Nearly everyone. Or I am looking for the right kind of reaction, even if it is negative. Such as awe or reverence. (just kidding, I think - not always sure what I am expecting.)
>> Do I say ‘yes’ when I want to say ‘no’? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I have never had a strong desire to say no, just a desire to say yes and maybe a cloud of uncertain thoughts, mostly pondering what sort of reaction I want to see or expectations from saying yes or no (ie – a lack of expectations is not an option).
>> Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
This is confusing. Ok, I act and speak with expectations of others reactions, and this is not caring. I don’t believe I have done a lot a caring, except caring with expectations. Caring is just another option for creating expectations. Yes, I really don’t care for myself except to address my fears. In other ways I ignore my needs and desires as much as I ignore others.
>> How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I don’t thrive well in smooth times, I make a crisis somehow out of every day that I am not in the classroom. Or I find a way to manipulate the day to make tomorrow more of a crisis. I have spent far too many Tuesdays and Thursdays accomplishing little except parsing the word GOD. I only get things done 1) in crisis mode or 2) at night.
>> How well do I take care of myself?
I take care of my bodily health quite well. I severely abuse my mental health.
>> How do I feel when I am alone?
There is often a feeling of ‘should, must, ought to’ when I am alone and I often end up procrastinating around the biggest” should, ought to, must”
>> What is the difference between pity and love?
Love is caring for all parts of a person, admiring strength as well as compassion for weakness. Pity is the focus on the failings, the destitute , and the suffering of another and feeling EMPOWERED by that. Yes, I do search out failings in others to make myself feel good even as I say to myself I am just interested.
>> Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I am attracted to friendships with men who seem in need of help. Ooohhhh - That is new. I am definitely not attracted to men with strong egos. As for women, it is more intelligence that is attractive. No, really – that is the only common denominator in all my short relationships – wicked smart with degrees and accomplishments to prove it. I have never dated very needy women, ever. That part of my mother is kind of repulsive to me, in women at least. In men…….sort of one yearning endlessly like me. Maybe some neediness. Yeah, like me.
>> Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No. My instincts are awful. My feelings seem to run in all directions and I try to supress them more often than not. No, I don’t know what they are. Apart from fear I react in a way to create certain responses by others.
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