I fell off the map~where in the world is 50?

Well it's been sometime and hear I sit at my desk at 4am wishing that I would have taken a bit more time in writing down my feelings. Since last I wrote, I have had some terrible incidents with my family; my mother mostly. Funny how the people closest to you are the ones who ensue on pushing your buttons more and more. She told me she didn't care about me and I said, "well that's fine, I'm joining the marines." Went down to the office and everything but because of my heart condition, I was turned down.

So then I told my mother that you doesn't appreciate me to which she begins to yell and scream and then has the nerve to say, "look how YOU'RE talking down to me." At this point I was very calm and trying to be rational. I also explained that her behavior pushes me to want to drink to escape the emotional turmoil and abuse. So what does go and do? She goes to the front office of our complex and tells the owners to kick me out because I have a drinking problem. :wtf2 Needless to say they came with the sheriff. I love this part, everytime they asked me a question I went to answer it truthfully and they cut me off. When I tried to explain the situation, they didn't want to listen and that really got my goat. <==== what does that mean anyways? Got my goat? Hahaha, so I was calm with them and they left. My noisy neighbor asked what was up only to walk off without saying "goodbye" or "you idiot" or nothing.

Furthermore, I haven't been to Church, I stopped praying my rosary, I still go to legion of Mary, and I basically just gave up all hope. My phone has been off for two days now and three of my poor friends think I'm dead someplace. I almost want to cry because I was doing so well. Didn't drink though! Whew, at least I can put that one under my belt. It's just amazing how much krap the world hands you and when you quit, like I did....they wonder why. I was doing so well but I guess I took the 'feel sorry for yourself route' and vanished. I haven't slept still...and woke up with a tremendous pain in my chest like someone was sitting on it. I also though I was going to have a heart attack. I feel like if I do not get some rest soon, I'm talking REM sleep, I might not make it.

So anyways, I'm back......and in desperate need of a massage. Hope everyone is well....

~fifty~ <=====that's all I ask...lol