http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:09:59 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bamboozle/2874-title.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:37:13 GMT Wow. I really need to change my color scheme...it was okay at first, but it's starting to hurt my brain.


I've been having a lot of ups and downs this past week. I'm still not sleeping well. Maybe in a month I can begin to get my med situation sorted...what I'm on now is causing some problems with memory and whatnot (and of course sleep).

As far as I know I'll get to see a real psychologist in about a month. I hope so... ]]> Bamboozle http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bamboozle/2874-title.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2871-day-one.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:15:04 GMT My a$$ finally realized my relapses weren't relapses- they were just binges. I know now that I have a choice and that I can try. That I will and not alone either. Thank you SR. ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2871-day-one.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/2869-my-font-color-size-wierd.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:54:32 GMT Ok, what is this with picking on my font color choice? It's not bright purple. It's purple. One person says it's too small, so I up the size from 2 to 3. That's all I plan to change. It's like people, especially ones who disagree with me, tend to complain about it. It bothers me a bit. Kind of like they are trying to take a stab at my choices in typing color and size because they have nothing else to pick on me for. Yeah, that could be me being paranoid. But none of the colors or sizes have ever bothered me. Period. It's just strange. Just wierd.
But know this. I tried different colors. I DID change the size for one person, but I LOVE the color purple. I didn't like the other colors and I don't want to be like everyone else and type in black. Yuck. I am an addict, so I understand getting hung up on something and not wanting to let go. I am hung up on purple and I don't intend to let go. LOLOLOLOL
Whether you're 20 or 200, please just deal with the color I use or don't read them. IDK. I don't find issue with anyone else's and I've never heard of anyone else having to deal with the same thing I am dealing with.
It's weird. I am weird. We're all weird. It's not like 500 people are saying stuff, but half a dozen is more than enough to get my attention.
Oh well. I rant and pick the stupidest things to worry about. LOL. That's my..
But just know, I love purple. I'd turn everyone's font color into purple if I could. ;) LOLOLOL ]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/2869-my-font-color-size-wierd.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2863-horoscopes.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:56:59 GMT So, my horoscope today said not to let my emotions get the best of me today. My relationship would be tested and I should wait it out, cool down, things may not be as they seem, tomorrow you will be... So, my horoscope today said not to let my emotions get the best of me today. My relationship would be tested and I should wait it out, cool down, things may not be as they seem, tomorrow you will be able to better judge. This morning that was the most rediculas thing, it was a great day, things are good, then tonight bam! Wow! So, I take a step back, go for a walk, write this down and wait and see tomorrow. Gotta listen to that new moon stuff, can't react, think things through.

Ok, right now I want to beat the hell out of something, anything. I just really think I would feel better! "I'm not ashamed of you, or us, it just caught me off guard" Ok, well, that sentence right there makes me think otherwise. Don't know why...just does! Not sure why I am wasting my time with this relationship. He's not ready, ok. Maybe I am not ready to set around and wait again.

I just want someone to WANT to be with ME. All me, the real me, not the Me that they think I am. Not the "Sexytary" or "the little girl with the sexy shoes" I mean I guess that is "me" technically but they love the image, not the girl. What is so bad about spending time getting to know the girl? ]]> RomeosMama http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2863-horoscopes.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2858-starting-see-again.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:19:27 GMT So I finally relapsed because I was never intending to truly follow through with sobriety. For awhile, I thought that without dope, any dope, in my system things would get better. Obviously, I was... So I finally relapsed because I was never intending to truly follow through with sobriety. For awhile, I thought that without dope, any dope, in my system things would get better. Obviously, I was totally missing the point on staying clean- dealing with life on life's terms without substances coursing through my veins. I realized for the first time that my lifestyle is one of havoc and disdain. I see a break in the clouds now. I am finally realizing the behaviours I thought I would overcome by myself were just in the background waiting and getting stronger by the minute. Waiting to choke me to death. I flushed some pills and never, ever want to go back to that amphe. sh*t. Now, I need to deal with the opiates and benzos. Actually, check that, I need to follow through with living clean in my mind. Baby steps man, baby steps. I hated hearing that from people here, but I only hated hearing that because I knew it wasn't what I was doing. I was only "clean" when I ran out of dope.
I am thinking about doing something good for myself and those around me. Volunteering, trying to offer advice in a non-combative form for those around me who still use- in whatever form of drug it is and I must watch out for the savior syndrome and my ego.
This merry go round, self-destructive dance is getting too old and I am not the person I know I can be. I know I've said this before but since my eyes are starting to open(very slowly) to the fact that it is possible and definitely attainable to be who I need to be, I've starting thinking things through. Truth vs. feelings. I know those pills are bad but I want 'em but now I am discovering that the truth is that they'll OR I'll start the whole cycle over again.
Sick of stealing, of lying, of manipulating, of being afraid to meet others, of socializing but I need to face those irrational fears and just go out and f*cking do it. I think I am finally after years of saying I was relapsing, finally am honest enough with myself enough to see it wasn't relapse, it was just using-plain and simple. Now, it's time for me to just go out into the world with optimism ( a stranger in my mind) and smile when problems arise and to see how the newbie at recovery will handle the situations and learn from my reactions to them. I am only a failure when I choose not to find out who that stranger is- the one who pushed me to come to this site- the one who told me it's okay to hurt. The one who told me that the dope did nothing more than cover up the path I must take to understand my feelings and to be the Me I can be. Thanks everyone for being a shoulder to lean on. :thanks ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2858-starting-see-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bamboozle/2850-frustrated.html Sat, 14 Nov 2009 04:16:41 GMT No spirit...no higher power for me. I need people. It's the social being in me.

I cannot describe how loneliness feels...the pain of always having been alone. Yes, I'm a virgin...total. Not even hand holding.

This is the only place I can talk about this without ridicule. Sometimes I think my situations is funny, though. I’m a gay atheist virgin. I technically have no doctrine to hold me back from getting laid…yet I’m still…celibate (ugh…I hate that word). I bet you folks won’t meet anyone else like me ever again.

I'd give anything to experience being with another woman. It's what I need...need...so desperately need...and deserve. I'm not a loner by choice. This is not what I want for myself. I’d do anything to be desirable to someone. I’m mean, geez. All of this talk about self-love grates on my nerves at times. People are shaped by their environments…one’s self esteem has much to do with how one is treated (or ignored) by others. That’s why many of us are here. It’s important to recognize personal responsibility, yes, but I think it is equally important to recognize where the pain comes from. No one person is an island.

I can't help but think about this, especially when it is everywhere...on TV, radio, movies, every day conversation, etc. I'm constantly reminded...and some days it's nearly impossible to bear. I see couples all the time...and it doesn't help. People in ‘love’ or ‘lust’. I'm in lust...all...the...time, and have no one to reciprocate with. Geez, I don't even get hit on by customers at work, no matter how much I smile or how nice I am...but other people get attention that I crave. I'm mean, not that I want attention from customers...it's just the fact that no one is interested...it's depressing and very discouraging. I do everything I can and...well...the reactions I get (or don't get) confirms my fears.

I need some kind of realistic solution to this problem. I love it when people come out with the ‘confidence is everything’ tripe. I’m funny, I laugh, I speak directly to people….shoot, I even flirt sometimes…as best as I know how (I’m not girly at all). I’ve know plenty of people who lack confidence and have low self-esteem…and these folks are not alone. I’ve met fugly people who aren’t alone. WTF gives? I’m pissed off and I don’t know what I can do to make myself sexually appealing. I have lots of appeal for being a friend and someone who people can complain to. People tell me life stories all the time…but no one wants my junk. ]]> Bamboozle http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bamboozle/2850-frustrated.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2848-concert-number-2.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:53:41 GMT So, concert # 2 ( Metallica ) was interesting. I found out that my brother has been "smoke free" since July 4th. That was a surprise! I guess thats what I get for not really talking to him all summer. We did have a great time though. I thought it would be awkward but it wasn't too bad, a bit at first but that passed quickly. It was really fun hanging out with him and my daughter together. I am happy that I bought the tickets for his birthday. It was a great present for all 3 of us. ]]> RomeosMama http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2848-concert-number-2.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2759-1-concert-down.html Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:40:06 GMT Well, I made it through a concert sober! WooHoo! A concert that I will actually remember every moment of! I never really thought about how good that would make me feel. Of course this was TSO with... Well, I made it through a concert sober! WooHoo! A concert that I will actually remember every moment of! I never really thought about how good that would make me feel. Of course this was TSO with my daughter and her boyfriend, next Monday is Metallica with my brother. This concert may be more of a challenge...He doesn't drink, hasn't for years, but he does "smoke", not my thing and he doesn't do it around me but I know he does it. I think temptation may be a bit stronger...maybe not... ]]> RomeosMama http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2759-1-concert-down.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2754-time-new-begining.html Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:28:17 GMT I believe this is the 2nd time in my adulthood that I stayed home and stayed sober on Halloween. If you knew me and how much I live Halloween, you would understand what a big deal this really is. ... I believe this is the 2nd time in my adulthood that I stayed home and stayed sober on Halloween. If you knew me and how much I live Halloween, you would understand what a big deal this really is. The truth is I just haven't had the "desire" to drink lately. I am starting to believe it was just more of a habbit than anything. I did it out of bordem, at least thats what I believe of my recent behavior. There is this wonderful new person in my life and I feel like a big loser because he doesn't know I have no license. Not that I have been driving but it just has not come up in conversation. I don't want to drink around him because I want to rememeber every single moment, every word he says. This is definitely something new for me. Generally I want to be intoxicated so I am happy and upbeat. Not really me in other words. He is not ready for this relationship to be more than a friendship ( no benefits) and that's alright by me...Going to a concert tonight...sober...something else new in my life =) ]]> RomeosMama http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/romeosmama/2754-time-new-begining.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bamboozle/2718-doing-right-thing.html Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:07:35 GMT I'm not doing well. Something's wrong with my meds. I'm going to get it worked out.

When I had a moment of clarity I reached out for help. People know what's going on with me. I had a talk with my mother about the seriousness of this and told her what to watch out for. I gave her the name of my therapist and the phone number she can be reached through.

If I get suicidal I will go to the ER.

Yes, I'm still sober. I have to be to deal with this.

Doing the right thing, reaching out, is actually easy once you do it a few times. It's the suffering part that's hard.

I want to get better...I don't want to stay like this forever. I know this isn't all there is...just surviving through the day...but sometimes surviving is what I have to do.


Hang in there, whoever may be reading this. Reach out for help when you need it. Lean on people who can help. ]]> Bamboozle http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bamboozle/2718-doing-right-thing.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/2717-identity-theif.html Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:53:25 GMT I have slipped a cog in my sanity, bummer. I snap back and forth like a flag in a strong wind between content and panic. Today, at this moment, I just don't know. Wtf am I doing? Who the fvck am I. And because I don't know, I want to glom on to someone who does, latch on to some artificial identity. AA is the way I have been leaning, but oh what a taste it leaves in my mouth. "lost? hopeless? confused? Come through our doors, work our steps, let us work on you and we will provide you with all that is missing"

That is the promise. I can walk in the door, just another newcomer, filled with self will, and I can be transformed into someone with no self will.

Does that scare anyone else out there? Does the fact that almost ever stepper I meet believes the same god damn thing, in the same narrow fvcking channel, and that everything on earth can be explained by some book/program written eons ago by a lousy drunkard?

Maybe the buddhists will have me. I am sure I can get back in to the scientology fold, I have already done my tr drills, thanks valley apple school.

Maybe I can just go to a dr and medicate all of this away, and not care who I am or what the fvck I am doing anymore. If the doctor prescribes it, I'm not an addict right? and anyway, I never came here to be perfect, I just don't want to eat any more dog sh!t on dares.

If this was really all brought on by a good screw, I should REALLY consider celibacy as a way of life


The stupid part is, everything is really kind of great and I am fine, really I am ]]> Gypsy Feet http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/gypsy-feet/2717-identity-theif.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/helene/2705-picked-avatar.html Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:49:08 GMT Well, I just picked an avatar. I picked it because I do take myself ridiculously seriuosly and it is something I really need to work on in my recovery. I need to lighten up! This is difficult to... Well, I just picked an avatar. I picked it because I do take myself ridiculously seriuosly and it is something I really need to work on in my recovery. I need to lighten up! This is difficult to do when you are used to being serious all the time....there I go again! bing serious about not being serious....

bah! ]]> Helene http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/helene/2705-picked-avatar.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2700-shouldnt-here.html Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:08:41 GMT I shouldn't. I don't even know why I am. Yeah, it's the self pity whoa is me sh*t. I'm blogging while waiting for a phone call so I can score some morph. Got some klonopin and xanax coursing through my veins. Waiting,waiting....

Right now I should be at my niece's first birthday but I'm waiting and getting impatient. I waved to my mother as she drove by me the other day. She thought I was going fishing or to the store. I waved back and faked a smile. Mom, everything is all right. I am doing well now. I was on my way to get some dope.

I've been asked why I come here if I am not ready to surrender completely. Why I visit if I do not make any forward movements toward sobriety. The answer is I don't know.

So I call and call and finally get a hold of the contact who will contact the "dude". Now, all that talk about knowing that I really don't want sobriety is gone. Those last paragraphs have disappeared and now I am filled with anticipation. This deal had better go through. I am so sick of benzos. Thinking of visiting a relative's house for some meds. A whirlwind of excuses to do bad things grow and fester in my mind. Then they bloom into a beautiful flower. The flower is how I will feel on the dope. Dope X Dope X Dope= escape.

So now I know that I come here just to express. Don't bother trusting me, don't bother changing things that won't give into changing. ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2700-shouldnt-here.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2686-recovery-addiction-essay-two-all-cool-kids-doing.html Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:47:19 GMT Recovery and Addiction Mini-Essay Two:

"All the Cool Kids are Doing it!"

These seven little words by themselves, alone, they mean less than nothing in the scheme of how the universe works. But, together these seven little words can be the harbinger of any number of horrible situations for whoever they are directed toward. When one thinks of these words often the image is of teenagers smoking pilfered cigarettes in the school restroom during skipped classes. Yet, no matter what age you are, we are, we all still have peers and the pressures of life, love and the desire for acceptance run deeper than the darkest, deepest ocean in each and every one of us. Whether you are fifteen or fifty we have an almost innate need to feel that others around us do more than merely tolerate our presence; that they actually enjoy our company. When you are, like I am, a recovering drug addict, all of stigmas aside, it can be very difficult re-learning how to interact with other human beings. Our "radars" have been jeopardized and we have fears and suspensions galore; "Does she really like me for me?" "Did he only talk to me because of the drugs?" "Will he still love me when I'm sober?" Any number of scenarios and queries will find their way into our minds when faced with the ordeal of being in a social setting, especially with old friends and family members. And those we knew when our addiction was activally, and ferociously pursuing us. When I think back on what the "cool kids" did and who and what they are now I cannot help but wonder where we, as a society, found our impression of what and who exactly defines "coolness". If it's "cool" to "get high" than does that mean that everything that comes afterward, by proxy, is to be considered "cool"? Is it "cool" to lose all of your money and your self-respect and the your life gambling for months on end on the off chance you will hit a "nice" doctor at the millionth emergency room visit in the unending quest for more drugs? Is it "cool" to forget your loved ones birthdays, anniversaries and/or all the promises you've made to them which you never intended to keep in the first place or doing recall making to begin with? Is it "cool" to never be able to wear short-sleeves for fear of people's reaction, the fear of the judgement in their eyes when they see the mistakes of your life and addiction left in undeniable marks of realness up and down the flesh of your limbs? Is it "cool" to be found face-down on the sofa of a place you've never been before? Can you make anyone believe that it's "cool" to have woken up in bed next to another complete stranger after a night of debauchery bought and paid for with the promise of another shady and all-too-fleeting "high"? And, finally, would you, could you, even have the audacity to suggest that there would even be the smallest amount of "coolness" in the death of yourself, a loved one or even someone you've never even met before, due to following those seven deadly little words, "All the cool kids are doing it", clear through to their conclusion.

~End~ ]]> Skayda http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2686-recovery-addiction-essay-two-all-cool-kids-doing.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2685-recovery-addiction-essay-one-self-medicating.html Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:21:37 GMT Here's my first mini-essay on addiction and recovery:

"Self-Medicating"

Ever since I was very young there's almost always been, in my life, a form of self-medicating. Whether it came in the form of a flintstone vitamin doled out with excitement once a day or a piece of chocolate with the promise that whatever hurts today wouldn't tomorrow. You see, I grew up believing that if something is wrong or aches, even mildly, emotionally, mentally or physically, that we must take something, eat something or place something over it and rid ourselves of any and all negative feelings at all cost. The unspoken motto of our family for generations past has always been; "It's better to be numb than in pain". So, it should come as no surprise whatsoever that painkillers were popped like the aforementioned flintstone vitamins around my house both as a teenager and a young adult. Oh, at first I was taking them, after having been clean for several years, as prescribed by a doctor for a very bad case of re-curring kidney stones. But, soon I came to realize how they affected other aspects of my physical and emotional being. The favoured numbness was easier to achieve, life was much easier, so it seemed at the time, to handle and the depression and mania due to my being bi-polar seemed like less to deal with under a blanket of narcotic bliss. Life seemed a breeze while I was under that blanket. I had to come down a long and winding pathway in order to finally reach the end of the forest and see the trees for what they really were. It took awhile before I could really understand that that blanket of seeming narcotic bliss was not the warm and comforting in it's steady numbness but thick, scratchy and suffocatingly claustrophobic. If I would have stayed submerged within the seductive folds of the narcotic blanket I have no doubt that it would have eventually have become my death shroud. I hope that whoever is reading this understanding metaphors,(even mixed ones such as these), but, if not, I will lay this on you in more simpler terms: Addiction sucks and self-medicating is no way to go about dealing with your hurts. If I did not seek help when I did to change my life for the better I would be looking down on you from the afterlife instead of sitting somewhere on earth, very much alive, wondering who is now reading these words. God bless you for every thing you've been through and everything you will soon be accomplishing on your own journey of recovery. I plan on never again allowing that evil blanket to touch my being; either physically, emotionally or mentally.

End.


Sorry, I know it's a bit on the rambling side. ]]> Skayda http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2685-recovery-addiction-essay-one-self-medicating.html