SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Mon, 13 Feb 2012 17:49:39 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/ Happy Sunday http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11442-happy-sunday.html Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:17:00 GMT Hello and Happy Sunday. I am alittle sore right now from working out, but I am feeling good. I am trying to give back to this crazy world as much as possible. I have a sponsee that isn't working with me right now, but that is ok. I just went to a noon AA meeting and now I am just relaxing. I have been doing well, work is alittle bit annoying but Thank you God for letting me have a job. I love to say the prayer "God save me from myself" I always get in my way. I go to Monday, WED, Friday, AA meetings and my buddy Kris ususally invites me to go to a Thursday meeting. We have some snow tonight and I might get a chance to use my new Jeep. I bought this darn thing so I could get around in the snow and I haven't used it yet. ]]> Mcribb http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11442-happy-sunday.html Boundaries, Bottom Lines, and Threats http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11437-boundaries-bottom-lines-threats.html Sun, 12 Feb 2012 06:19:25 GMT *_Boundaries, Bottom Lines, and Threats-_* *Knowing the Difference Can Empower Family Member Recovery* ~Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D. One of the most frequent questions by family members of... Boundaries, Bottom Lines, and Threats-
Knowing the Difference Can Empower Family Member Recovery
~Peggy L. Ferguson, Ph.D.

One of the most frequent questions by family members of alcoholics/addicts is "What's the difference between boundaries, bottom lines, and threats?" Before these significant others get very far into recovery, they hear these terms and are confused. Clearing up the confusion with definitions makes a good beginning, but application gives these concepts the most meaning.

A bottom line is tangible definition of what you will or will not tolerate in your life. A threat is a declaration of expectations and consequences if that expectation is not met. The major difference between bottom lines and threats is motivation. One's motivation in communicating a bottom line is to take responsibility for self. When you develop awareness of your bottom line, you know, without doubt, what you are willing to have in your life and what you aren't willing to tolerate in your life. When you take responsibility for your own growth and development, recovery, welfare and happiness, you guard it zealously. To do that, you set and maintain limits as to how much we allow others to contribute those things that impede that growth, recovery, and welfare. So, in communicating a bottom line, we are motivated to take care of our own lives, taking full responsibility for our choices, our happiness or unhappiness.

You may use the exact same words to communicate a bottom line as you would to make a threat. Nevertheless, they are not the same. Threats are motivated by the desire to change someone else. When we make a threat, we are doing so in an attempt to get them to change. We may be convinced that whatever it is that we are trying to get them to do is best for them and for us. We may believe that our intentions are about trying to look out for their welfare. But in this process we are trying to take responsibility for someone else- --their life, their decisions, their recovery or disease, their happiness or misery.

In working the first three steps we know that we do not have power over other people. When we are trying to change someone else, through threats, we are not taking responsibility for self. We are investing our efforts in a place where we will have little power over the outcomes. Self is the one place that we do have some power. We do have power over our own behavior, attitudes, decisions, and happiness.

The communication of bottom lines and threats feel different. In communicating a threat we probably have an underlying feeling of uneasiness and fear about what our next step might be when they don't do what we are asking. A bottom line feels solid as you decide what you are willing to have in your life and what you aren't willing to have. You know that you mean it. Its immutable. A threat feels uneasy and scary. Any resolve to stick to a threat eventually yields to opposition. Threats maintain the status quo. Bottom lines effect change. The difference is in the motivation.

Maintaining bottom lines is facilitated by setting boundaries. Generally speaking, boundaries are borders that delineate, separate, and defend us from the world. Setting protective limits might include denying others the permission to use us, abuse us, take from us, or take us for granted. Boundaries are a demarcation of personal territory. They define where we begin and end. They define areas of responsibility and power. They define our rights and limits in relationships, as citizens, and as human beings. These limits are communicated with assertiveness, with self-confidence, and with self-responsibility. They define a healthy detachment from that which we are not responsible, and promote self-efficacy.

Identification of your bottom lines in relationships and maintaining them through communication of boundaries promotes recovery, self-esteem, and empowerment. Threats reinforce denial, maintain dysfunctional games, increase anxiety, and reduce self-esteem. ]]> cynical one http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11437-boundaries-bottom-lines-threats.html Saving Fish from Drowning http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11435-saving-fish-drowning.html Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:44:26 GMT I’m not really sure WHY – but this simply fascinates me . . . The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and the good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they... I’m not really sure WHY – but this simply fascinates me . . .

The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and the good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding. – Albert Camus

A pious man explained to his followers: “It is evil to take lives and noble to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. ‘Don’t be scared,’ I tell those fishes. ‘I am saving you from drowning.’ Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes.” - Anonymous

from Amy Tan’s novel “Saving Fish from Drowning”
]]> BlueMoon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11435-saving-fish-drowning.html Anniversary Pizza Party! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11434-anniversary-pizza-party.html Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:34:53 GMT Today was the great B-day / Anniversary Pizza Party! It was so awesome! Hubby helped get everything ready – cleaning, paper plates, blowing up the medical exam gloves to look like chickens, etc.... Today was the great B-day / Anniversary Pizza Party!

It was so awesome! Hubby helped get everything ready – cleaning, paper plates, blowing up the medical exam gloves to look like chickens, etc. Son + his 5 daughters came and Son’s GF too – I like her, she’s cool. They were coming from 1/2 hour away and the 13yo – Sara – texted me every other minute to update me on their progress – and also to let me know that she was torturing her dad with loud, country music. (He’s strictly rock + roll!) So I had Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock + Roll” all queue-ed up, ready to play for her when she walked in the door. *evil grin*

We had a GREAT time. It was just wonderful beyond words. The 4 youngest ones (11, 10, 8 +6) all vying for my attention, while Sara sat quietly waiting her turn. :D The 4 soon descended on Granpa and Sara and I gabbed pretty much non-stop for the rest of the time they were here – with periodic interruptions of course! *huge grin*

I got my XX chip last night at my Women’s Meeting (way cool!) and I passed it to Son via Hubby and Son passed it to GF. After a few minutes, she brought it back across the room, gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear “I’m in recovery too. I’ve got 10 years this month.” I KNEW I liked her! :D

All these years and I’d never celebrated my sober anniversary before. The last 3 days have more than made up for that. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!

Thanks for reading. :)

Blue
]]> BlueMoon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11434-anniversary-pizza-party.html Helping Children from Addicted and Dysfunctional Families http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11422-helping-children-addicted-dysfunctional-families.html Fri, 10 Feb 2012 05:19:51 GMT *_Helping Children from Addicted and Dysfunctional Families _* *Understanding the Problems of Children from Addicted Families * ~Alcoholics Victorious In the US, twenty million children are... Helping Children from Addicted and Dysfunctional Families
Understanding the Problems of Children from Addicted Families
~Alcoholics Victorious

In the US, twenty million children are experiencing physical, verbal and emotional abuse from parents who are addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. This is tragic when we consider that childhood is the foundation on which our entire lives are built. When a child's efforts to bond with an addicted parent are thwarted, the result is confusion and intense anxiety. In order to survive in a home devoid of healthy parental love, limits, and consistency, they must develop "survival skills" very early in life.

In a chaotic, dysfunctional family, the lack of external control through consistent loving discipline results in an inability to develop internal discipline and self control. They learn not to depend on their parents to meet their needs - instead, it is all up to themselves. And, because they can't trust their own parents, they become generally suspicious and mistrustful of all human beings. Yet, they are defenseless against the projection of blame and often feel responsible for parents' addiction. They become "little adults" that feel compelled to accept responsibilities well beyond their years.

One authority on these matters, Dr. Tim Cermack, says children from addicted homes actually suffer from emotional and psychological symptoms that are best described as a combination of codependency and a variant of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is most widely known as a malady afflicting Vietnam veterans. According to Dr. Cermack it

...occurs when people are subject to stresses of such intensity and nature that they clearly lie outside the range of normal human experiences. The effects are especially severe if the stress is caused by a series of traumatic events, and is of human origin. The effects are even more severe if the individual under stress has rigid coping strategies, or if the person's support system includes those who encourage denial of the stress.

Growing up in an alcoholic family is certainly traumatic. In these homes, children experience a daily environment of inconsistency, chaos, fear, abandonment, denial, and real or potential violence. Survival becomes a full-time job. PTSD also leads to a condition called "psychic numbing" experienced as a sense of estrangement and being detached to the point of feeling there is no place or group to which we truly belong. Emotions become constricted, especially in the areas where intimacy, tenderness, and sexuality are involved. Is it any wonder that these children are eight times more likely become addicts themselves or to marry an alcoholic or drug addict.

Common Struggles of Children from Alcoholic/Drug-Addicted Homes

1. Guessing at what is normal.
2. Difficulty having fun.
3. Judging themselves mercilessly.
4. Difficulty with emotional relationships.
5. Feeling "different" from other people.
6. Tendency to be impulsive.
7. Either super responsible or super irresponsible.
8. Desperately seeking approval and affirmation.
9. Suffering from chronic anxiety.
10. Lacking self discipline.
11. Compulsive liars.
12. Suffering from a critical deficiency of self-respect.
13. Fear and mistrust for authority figures.

Healing Begins by "Breaking the Alcoholic Family Rules"

Early intervention significantly lessens the life-long effects of a traumatic childhood. The way workers can best help these children is to lovingly assist them to "break the rules" of their dysfunctional family. These rules, according to Claudia Black in her book It will Never Happen to Me are "don't trust, don't feel, don't talk."

The first need of children from addicted families is learn that they are just normal kids who have been trying to cope in a extremely stressful and chaotic environment. While their alcoholic home is not normal, they are normal kids. Their biggest problem is usually not having anyone they trust with whom to they can talk openly about how they feel and what they are experiencing. Opening up and sharing from the heart in a safe atmosphere is a tremendously healing experience. We must make sure to provide time for such experiences. Still, it may take quite a while to gain the trust of children from troubled families. Usually they need enough non-confrontational interaction with workers and the opportunity to observe them in action as they relate to others. Opening up can be extremely difficult, especially because they have learned their entire lives that they must protect their families secrets. They can feel like traitors, betraying their family and the illusion that everything is all right at home.

Children from addicted families have learned to survive by suppressing their emotions. They are told that their perceptions are wrong and that their feelings are not acceptable. So, we need to let them know that it's OK to have feelings and that they won't be rejected for having them.

Some Other Suggestions

1. Learn more about alcohol and drug addiction and its impact on children.
2. Help them learn to take care of themselves and that it is OK to think about their own safety when faced with dangerous situations.
3. Help them to learn to have fun.
4. Help them to learn how God sees them. And that His love is unconditional, not performance-based.
5. Talk about honesty and its rewards.
6. Bring them to structured support groups where they can share their experiences with others. ]]> cynical one http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11422-helping-children-addicted-dysfunctional-families.html Letting Go: The Journey For Your Life http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11421-letting-go-journey-your-life.html Fri, 10 Feb 2012 04:56:36 GMT *_Letting_**_ Go: The Journey For Your Life_ * By Barry Elwin-Jones *WHAT IS LETTING GO? * *Letting** go can be the most terrifying experience we can have. Letting go means having no... Letting Go: The Journey For Your Life
By Barry Elwin-Jones

WHAT IS LETTING GO?

Letting go can be the most terrifying experience we can have. Letting go means having no support mechanism for our egos. Put simply, when we let go, we trust that everything is going to work out in our best interest even when we are in the middle of an experience that screams out to us to hang on.

Our life flows from within. Life is not a series of unrelated cosmic accidents waiting to happen. The holes we fall into were dug by us at an earlier time, we just did not realize we were digging them. Our thoughts, words and actions were creating our future experiences while we were thinking, speaking, and doing them. You created your current experience.

WHAT IS THERE TO LET GO OF?

We can let go of all the judgment, of fixing other people's problems, of manipulating and controlling people's lives close to us, and forcing our lives to go in directions that our logical minds tells us they must go. We can let go of the need to keep arranging things in our physical world so that we can be happy. We can stop reacting to thoughts and emotions with fear.

Fear alone is responsible for us not wanting to let go of what we term "our lives." We infuriate our teenagers by constantly checking about their homework and other items in their lives that they are more than capable to deal with. The biggest package to let go of is our concepts about everything. We hold concepts about the way things are, and then have expectations around those concepts--talk about a recipe for disaster. We do not know what is going on, and we have little or no knowledge of the best result for everyone, yet we base our happiness on an expected outcome. These things and more are involved in "hanging on."

FEAR OF LETTING GO

To let go is to let go of our fear. Fear is the mother of anger, intolerance, greed, arrogance, selfishness, egotistical behavior, self-centeredness and a host of other undesirable traits. We don't want these traits in our lives because the behavior that springs from these traits separates us from our light. As we involve ourselves in these fearful behavior patterns, we know that we are dishonoring ourselves and the other person, and this hurts us greatly. When we allow fear to take hold, we will lash out even more in our defense to hide our pain and dishonoring of self. Courage and strength are needed to let go, and you can do it. It is not necessary to do it in one go, you can take away pieces of who you are not, and let them go gradually. You're in charge .

WE NEED TO BE A VICTIM FIRST

In early stages of personal growth we are not open to other ideas or concepts. We are generally resistant to ideas such as "Why did you bring this into your life?" Or friends who say, "You will be fine, stop worrying about it." We find it infuriating and it appears to us as if they don't care or really understand the way we feel.

Chronic body pain represents a part of us that is screaming out for attention. Pain, frustration and anger are common. "People just don't understand what I am going through" is a common remark. We come back and visit this victim stage regularly. We are totally absorbed in our misery, and anyone who tries to shake us out of it is in for a tough time. At this stage we want sympathy, not helpful suggestions. We are busy dumping blame on others for our pain and suffering. "Oh me, oh my, poor little me . No matter what I do or how I organize my life, someone always screws it up," we say. The tighter we hang, the greater the pain. The more we organize others' lives, the greater the frustration from unfulfilled expectations. Do you think our Higher Power is trying to tell us something?

GIVING UP AND LETTING GO

Letting go conjures up images of lack of control, being lost, getting left behind, loneliness, financial ruin. This free fall state appears to offer nothing but fear and disaster. The ego has always instructed us that striving and achievement is everything. Letting go can only result in a fall with devastating results. After all, no self-responsible human being does that sort of thing. So we need to hang on, white knuckled and teeth clenched, in order to appear normal, while we smile through our frozen faces and staring eyes to make others feel comfortable as we conform to their expectations. This insanity is perpetuated each generation until we just let go .

THE LETTING GO EXPERIENCE

Sooner or later, we become so tired of hanging on to our misery that we just give up. Asking around, we find many offers of help come to us from varied sources. We have opened the door. Hanging on takes inordinate amounts of energy ; we become very tired propping up the image we wish to portray. We simultaneously suppress our emotions, and eventually the load just gets too heavy to carry . Sooner or later we must put our burden down.

As the fear and stress of hanging on subsides after letting go, the pain and misery also abates as we see we are not alone. There is an improvement in outlook immediately.

WHY HANG ON?

We have so much difficulty hanging on and it causes us so much pain and disappointment that you would think we would be anxious to change, but we steadfastly refuse to see the common sense in letting go. Instead we see the fear and let it block our path to freedom. We resist letting go of our concepts about the way things are or should be, just to keep our egos happy. We insist that our partners walk, talk and act in ways to please us, so we can be happy. The expectations we put on our partners are ours alone and we reap the consequences. We expect them to act, speak and think the way we do for our own sakes. If we really loved them, we would accept everything they say and do as necessary for them and honor their pathways home as we expect them to honor ours.

The greatest gift we can give our partners is to cut them free of our expectations. In this single action, we free ourselves to experience happiness in our relationships .

After we get our family under control, we then have the arrogance to tell our older and wiser parents how to live out the rest of their lives. By the time we start on our friends' behavior, our children have rebelled, our partner has left us and our worlds start to wobble.

Stand by for the stress, pain, nervous breakdowns, physical illnesses and all of the other symptoms hanging on and perceived failure brings . Our fingernails start to splinter and break as control slips through them. We blame everyone else for our unhappiness, when all we need to do is LET GO.

REACTIONS TO LETTING GO

When we eventually let go, sometimes all hell breaks loose, sometimes we become sicker than ever before . Deeply hidden issues surface like dragons from the past, threatening to eat us alive. Our "normal" life activities are turned on their heads and unreal feelings of panic spread through us, telling us we should have left well enough alone. Friends judge us and walk out of our lives. Guilt raises its head and blames us for upsetting and destroying others' lives.

The day-to-day comfort zone has been shattered and the winds of change are blowing. The winds blow into corners that have not seen light for many lifetimes, and the pain can be almost unbearable. We find our greatest fears are unfounded as we let go to the Light. Hanging on causes our distress; freedom is already ours, we just need to let it be there.

The Universe is shifting to meet our newly embraced reality. We still have the same body, the same soul, but our thinking has changed, and therefore so must our reality change. The Universe must accommodate us with every change of mind, that is universal law.

THE RIVER OF LIFE

During all of these crazy activities that we think are essential to our happiness, we block the flow of life from our Higher Power. Our future experiences vibrate to the same confusion that we are creating in our fearful hanging on state in the now. We just do not allow what is best for us to come into our lives. By continuing to create confusing karma with our minds, we ensure our future will be the same.

There is a divine energy that flows from within. This is the river of life that flows from our hearts. The river is gold and silver, pure and radiant, a light vibration of the highest frequency. This light is the Higher Power, the highest vibration possible that we can radiate on this plane of existence. When this river of life flows uninterrupted, our lives become perfect and in harmony with the Creator's intention .

Letting go is plunging into this flow without thoughts of a fearful nature and trusting that lifetimes of fear will be reversed and perfection manifested our lives. However, this does not happen to our timetable, but to the Creator's timing . First we must deal with the self-made creations already in our lives before we feel the major effects of the divine. Letting go has to happen first in order that the Greater can come in. Depending on our past experiences and reactions to those situations, we may have created such beautiful karma that life is a continuous blissful state. Then again, it may not be.

NOT RESISTING

Letting go is acknowledging that there is a greater power that flows through us that has our best interest at heart . Without any effort on our parts, we can let go to this power and allow. By not resisting, we can let our lives flow like a river from our hearts, making room in our lives for everything that needs to be there and allowing other things to pass by and move on. The joy of life is in the standing still and allowing. We discover that peace comes in when we cease to struggle. ]]> cynical one http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11421-letting-go-journey-your-life.html Is Codependency Turning You Into Someone You Never Intended To Become? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11419-codependency-turning-you-into-someone-you-never-intended-become.html Fri, 10 Feb 2012 04:02:16 GMT *_Is Codependency Turning You Into Someone You Never Intended To Become?_* ~Diane England, Ph.D. Who is the author most identified with the concept of codependency and the codependent? I suspect... Is Codependency Turning You Into Someone You Never Intended To Become?
~Diane England, Ph.D.

Who is the author most identified with the concept of codependency and the codependent? I suspect it is Melody Beattie. She herself was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict when, while working in a treatment facility in Minnesota, she was asked to hold groups for spouses of their alcoholic and drug addicted patients. She admits she was none too happy about this. After all, from her days as an alcoholic and addict, she held some negative attitudes about these spouses referred to in the recovery field as codependents. But then later on, she herself became a codependent and suddenly, she saw the plight of these spouses differently.

When she was able to observe these codependent spouses with a more open heart and mind, what did she notice?

Beattie saw people who were still often hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, and all the other things she’d concluded about codependents while an active alcoholic and drug addict. Now, however, she also saw how the codependent spouses were typically behaving in these ways in response to their partners’ alcoholism or drug addiction. These individuals, usually women, weren’t necessarily this way at their core. Thus, many of them were not only in great pain because of the discouraging circumstances of their lives that the presence of alcoholism and addictions had imparted, but also because they knew they were behaving inconsistently with their core values. Indeed, they were not being true to themselves.

Beattie noticed that many of the women she most typically dealt with were controlling, but it was because everything about their lives was falling faster and faster out of control. If these codependent women didn’t strive to keep things in order, all would soon fall apart. These codependent women then, felt they had little choice but to run themselves ragged cleaning up messes their alcoholic and addict husbands created time and time again.

Of course, therapists might tell these codependent women that was exactly what needed to happen. They might point out how their controlling behavior was keeping things going smoothly enough, that their alcoholic or drug addicted husbands never suffered the full consequences of their behaviors. Because of their codependency, they were enabling their spouses’ addictions because these addicts were essentially never allowed to hit bottom. Yet, it is after hitting bottom that some alcoholics and drug addicts are finally willing to get help for their addictions.

By now, Beattie could understand that it is difficult to sit back, take no action, and allow your life to be destroyed along with that of your alcoholic or drug addict spouse, however. The substance abuser may be largely unaware of what is happening, but the codependent spouse is sober and quite aware as she struggles to keep the house from falling into foreclosure, for example.

Beattie also talks about how codependents are manipulative. Again, while as an addict she condemned this aspect of codependency, she came to realize that in many cases, this was the only way the codependent could get anything done. The codependent was often not allowed to be honest; the unhealthy system in which she now operated did not allow this.

When Beattie was an alcoholic and addict, she thought that the codependents around her were crazy. When she herself was suffering from codependency, she came to understand how living with an addict can make you feel like you are going insane. She realized, as so many of us have learned from living with alcoholics or addicts ourselves, that you doubt your perceptions or your take on reality. You have been lied to so often, or else told that you are crazy and misperceiving things, that you don't know what is real and what isn't. Living with an alcoholic or drug addict does make you doubt your sanity. This is a sane reaction to an insane world.

Would you like to know something else Beattie noticed when she slipped into codependency herself? She soon realized that the codependent becomes so absorbed in other people’s problems that she doesn't realize she has some of her own, and these must be deal with, too. She said she realized that the codependent often cares deeply for the addict, though she might act angry and hostile at times. But of course, she has been put through so much, that Beattie admits the codependent often has tons to be angry and hostile about. For the most part, though, she found the codependent was trying so hard to be so responsible and so helpful that she was totally ignoring her own needs. Beattie talks about one woman who aged so rapidly from struggling to cope with an alcoholic spouse, that the woman died in her mid thirties.

I have heard of other cases where women who displayed codependency stayed with their abusive addicts to the point they suffered illnesses and died, too.

Yes, codependents often race about becoming increasingly unhealthy versions of their formers selves as they play roles such as martyr, stoic, or saint. But there is also a darker side to all of this besides potential illness for these people pleasers. See, rescuers can become persecutors, too.

When you are living with an alcoholic or a drug addict, it is easy to keep switching roles. Sometimes you play the role of victim, sometimes you play the role of rescuer, and sometimes you play the role of persecutor. However, the codependent more typically tries to play the rescuer role, while being continually victimized or persecuted by the alcoholic or addict.

As Beattie discovered, and perhaps you have as well, this is no way to live. You also don’t have to, as amazing as this might sound to a codependent. However, just as the alcoholic has trouble giving up his addiction on his own, you might need support as well. An Al-Anon group might be a good place to start. This twelve-step program can provide you with the means to move beyond your codependency. Then, after you step out of your codependent role, you can start striving to become the powerful woman you were always intended to be.

Honestly, doesn’t that sound better than codependency?

Dr. Diane England is a specialist in codependency and recovery as both a clinical social worker and a woman forced to make this transition herself. ]]> cynical one http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/cynical-one/11419-codependency-turning-you-into-someone-you-never-intended-become.html 20 Years Today! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11413-20-years-today.html Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:28:44 GMT ME?! OMG – *ME!?* Well, first of all, I am not OLD enough to have been sober that long, thank you very much! I mean come on! I’d have had to get sober at like 3 or something. *geesh!* Seriously.... ME?! OMG – ME!? Well, first of all, I am not OLD enough to have been sober that long, thank you very much! I mean come on! I’d have had to get sober at like 3 or something. *geesh!*

Seriously.

I started drinking at 14.
The 1st time I drank, I nearly died of alcohol poisoning.
How’s that for a clue?
(One of my g-girls is 13 – what a reality check to realize how very YOUNG I really was!)

I was 26 when I decided “Houston, we have a problem” – but it took me 8 years to be able to stop.
Eight. Years.

I was 34 when I was finally in enough physical, emotional + spiritual agony that I crawled into AA – even tho I knew I was NOT “One of THEM.”
But I crawled anyway.

They told me I never had to drink again.
I believed them.
And I didn’t.

There’s way more to it than that but that’s the bare-bone basics of it.
I have never *NEEDED* to drink again.
I have WANTED to –
but I have never *NEEDED* to.

(It turns out I AM “One of THEM” after all.
A fact for which I am profoundly grateful.)

Sobriety has not been all cookies + gumdrops.

A week after my very 1st meeting, a homicide detective called me wanting me to come in to “discuss the death of M.W.” - 3 days earlier.
My best friend.
I’d stood him up to go to an AA meeting. He died of an overdose that night. What a way to find out – by being investigated.

I was INSANE with grief + guilt. People I’d never met before - AA people - came to save me. When I wasn’t in a meeting, I was in someone’s living room, office, car – or in a park, coffee shop with one of them. I was Never Alone. They took care of me and babysat me. They took care of my teenage son. They told me when to eat and when to sleep. They carried me to meetings. Sometimes multiple times a day. They took me to the Police Station – multiple times. They told me if I just DIDN’T DRINK, it would be ok. Somehow, I believed them. I got through it.

Right from the start, I was thrown into the deep end of AA. It saved my life then and it has many, many times since then.

Never doubt this - this disease KILLS. I have lost so very many people to alcoholism + other addictions – to death – to prison. My “baby brother” included.

*~*

Just as people have helped me get thru the rough times, they have helped me celebrate the good times. The gumdrops + cookies!

*~*

I met my dear, sweet husband in AA. We’ve been together almost 20 years. I love him so much it’s disgusting. Funny thing is, he feels the same about me! If you look up “Soul-mates” in the dictionary, there is a picture of us. We finish each other’s sentences + thoughts. It drives son bonkers.

I’ve been privileged to watch my 13yo son (whom Child Protective Services once took from me) go from gangly teenager to grown man and daddy. (and OH! Is he a GOOD daddy to those 5 girls!) There aren’t enough words to begin to describe how proud I am of him!.

I have been truly BLESSED to have FIVE grand-daughters – my g-girls!
They are all such beautiful souls, so full of life + creativity, they sparkle with light – a line or 2 isn’t enough to describe them – I have to leave it at that.

I can never give enough thanks that son + g-girls live only 15 minutes away from me – I get to see them ALL the time! (Can you say “spoiled rotten”?)

These 7 people are the greatest gifts my Higher Power, my sobriety - AA - could EVER have given me. I never could have imagined this when I first crawled into AA. They keep me going..

*~*

When I first got sober, I heard someone say “I know I have another drunk in me, I just don’t know if I have another recovery in me.”

Yeah. What he said.

Life happens. Sober or drunk, life happens.
The difference is that SOBER, I get to be present for it.
THAT is the gift.

Happy Birthday to ME!

:bday7

Blue
]]> BlueMoon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11413-20-years-today.html I HATE facebook! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11405-i-hate-facebook.html Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:57:09 GMT Since about 2005, I’ve been on facebook as “Blue Moon”. I was never very active – I’d just sorta roam around once in a while. Lately, as my g-girls have gotten old enough to be on fb, I hang out on... Since about 2005, I’ve been on facebook as “Blue Moon”. I was never very active – I’d just sorta roam around once in a while. Lately, as my g-girls have gotten old enough to be on fb, I hang out on their pages to see what they’re up to and to write on their walls. Still not very active at all.

So, the other day, I go to sign in and I can’t. I get sent to facebook’s “help center” “Disabled - Inauthentic account” page:
Disabled - Inauthentic account - Facebook Help Center | Facebook

WTF?

I do some reading and I get to THIS page: (Disabled Account Appeal-ID Request | Facebook

Send you a copy of a gov’t issued ID? Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure. I’m gonna get right on that. Check’s on the mail baby.

But it’s all good. I made up another name and I’m back to talking to my g-girls. *grin*

I hate fb.

Blue
]]> BlueMoon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11405-i-hate-facebook.html Stay in a Bunch! (shopping with 5 g-girls) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11403-stay-bunch-shopping-5-g-girls.html Thu, 09 Feb 2012 01:46:28 GMT When my g-daughters were little, (7, 5 + 4 til they were 9, 7 + 6) I used to take them downtown on Friday nite to the kid/family friendly events. It was a BLAST! But VERY crowded. Instead of saying... When my g-daughters were little, (7, 5 + 4 til they were 9, 7 + 6) I used to take them downtown on Friday nite to the kid/family friendly events. It was a BLAST! But VERY crowded. Instead of saying “stick together!” we called out to each other “STAY IN THE BUNCH!”
“Granma! KT’s not in the bunch!”
“Sara! Get in the bunch!”
They policed each other. LOL
(and I repeatedly counted 1, 2, 3 all nite long!)

OK.

I don’t drive. The state has decreed Mr. Blue CAN’T drive. So when we need to go grocery shopping, my son is kind enough to take us. :drive:

Last Sunday, quite by surprise, we found ourselves with *5* helpers. (now 13, 11, 10, 8 + 6) We’d never had 5 helpers before. This was gonna be a treat! *gulp* I’d slipped son some cash to go put gas in the vehicle and he literally ran out the door of the store – he’d been shopping with all 5 girls plenty of times – He deserted us! :run

So we set out. First thing, we ran into one of my buddies from my women’s AA group and I got to show off My Girls. That was just too cool for words! *big grin*

Then we set off down the aisles and all of a sudden, the one who’d been the youngest at the Friday nite adventures (she's now 10), yells out “STAY IN A BUNCH!” I just cracked up that she remembered! The 6yo + 8yo picked up on it right away – the 11yo followed – the 13yo of course was just a bit too cool for that but she was grinning quite a bit anyway, she remembered!

The 6yo added a new twist that we hadn’t had before: raisins. Granpa walks faster than us girls and got out of the bunch quite often. *shock*
“Oh No! Granpa’s a RAISIN!”
None of us got it and she had to explain in a grown-up 6yo manner: “If you’re in the bunch, you’re a grape. If you’re not in the bunch, you’re a raisin.” :oh:

People would look at us and grin. No one got mad if we were in the way. None us got grouchy or mad. Not even Granpa who was in a bigger hurry than the rest of us. *grin* The 13yo + I talked almost non-stop. How cool is that? Teens don’t usually talk to Granmas the way we talked. :cool3: I felt very honored. The 8yo held onto the cart the entire time. The 6yo stayed busy keeping a close eye out for raisins – mostly Granpa + her 10yo + 11yo sisters. She was SO serious! *grins*

Son’s timing was impeccable. He returned just as we hit the check-out.
“How’d it go?”
“FINE! We had a blast!”
“Really??” Doubtful look.
“Really!” Laughter.

So remember – look out for each other.
Stay in the bunch – don’t be a raisin!

Blue

:Flower: to my girls - may you always be my grapes ]]> BlueMoon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11403-stay-bunch-shopping-5-g-girls.html Tuesday http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11395-tuesday.html Wed, 08 Feb 2012 03:59:41 GMT Everything is pretty good today. Called my Sponser like I do most days. I really just try to get out of my own way and let God take the wheel of my life. I would like to start doing some open mic... Everything is pretty good today. Called my Sponser like I do most days. I really just try to get out of my own way and let God take the wheel of my life. I would like to start doing some open mic comedy again. I did it several times after starting AA for real, and it was just alot of work, but I feel like I may have some jokes (Kinda dark jokes) to share the world. Overall I am healthy and feel good today. I get some bad reviews at work but I am working on getting better, I also am way nicer to everyone than I used to be. I really am able to pause when I get pissed and I ask God To direct my thinking. I am planning on going out to Spring Training to watch the Royals play baseball. ]]> Mcribb http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11395-tuesday.html Sober Anniversary http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11389-sober-anniversary.html Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:35:36 GMT My sober – AA ! – anniversary is in 2 days – February 9th. I will be sober TWENTY YEARS! That is one year longer than what I drank! I can’t believe it. It can’t possibly be real. I remember when I... My sober – AA ! – anniversary is in 2 days – February 9th.
I will be sober TWENTY YEARS! That is one year longer than what I drank!
I can’t believe it. It can’t possibly be real. I remember when I first came into AA, I thought 5 years was totally impossible and that anyone who said they were sober that long were very probably lying about it. No way can ANYONE stay sober THAT long!
Let alone ME.

Anniversaries have always freaked me out. It starts in mid-January and goes til February 9th and then it’s ok. I start thinking about what I’m gonna say at the meeting when I get my chip. (see – the problems begin when *I start to think*!) What wonderful words of wisdom I will impart on the less fortunate, people-with-less-time – what inspiring things I will say about how I got to this point from where I was? . . . all the kinds of things I’ve heard people say over the years . . .

And I realize – I GOT NOTHING. I have no wisdom. I have no inspirational things to say. I thought I’d be smarter than this at this point. (*thinking* again!) I really thought I’d be IMMUNE to life’s pain and hardships at this point. (again!) I’m not. Every year, that realization seriously knocks me on my butt. The longer I’m sober, the less I know, the more I need AA and my sober friends. Paradox! So, every year, I seriously consider drinking just to make that all go away. I would be a newbie and not expected to know anything! Yeah, what a great solution that would be! Permanent solution to a temporary problem.

In all these years, I have never celebrated my accomplishment. Some years it’s been cuz I’ve felt guilty cuz I’ve done a lot of white-knuckling and ignoring AA as a whole. So what! I’m still sober for goodness sakes!

Anyway. This year I am CELEBRATING and knowing that, making plans for that, has helped the insanity of it all - a bit. It’s not a huge celebration. But it does involve FIVE G-DAUGHTERS, my son + gf, my sweet hubby + PIZZA! All in our teeny, tiny apartment. It’s gonna be a BLAST! (The neighbors will hate it!) (BTW, my g-daughters are 13, 11, 10, 8 + 6. *whew*) My belly button b-day is the 18, so as far as the g-daughters know, this is for my ‘real’ b-day. Right now, it’s just easier that way.

Every time I start getting squirrelly about February 9, I think of them (good thinking for once!) – and my bff, who’s gonna give me her old XX chip at the women’s meeting on Friday.

I really don’t have time to drink today. I have to clean the apartment. :)

Thanks for reading.
Blue
]]> BlueMoon http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bluemoon/11389-sober-anniversary.html Monday http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11384-monday.html Tue, 07 Feb 2012 02:20:28 GMT Everything has been going good as late. I go to about 4 meetings a week. I try to really give myself to God and do whatever is asked. My life is boring and somewhat lacking in fun, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am very healthy and I got some cash. I can buy all the cheetos hot fries I want. ]]> Mcribb http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11384-monday.html 400 Days Clean and Sober!! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lily/11346-400-days-clean-sober.html Wed, 01 Feb 2012 23:13:35 GMT Today is my 400th day and 34,621,771 sober heartbeats! Whoohoo!! Whoohoo!! Today I reflected on the fact that I have only wanted to use maybe 3 times in the past year. :) A big difference for me... Today is my 400th day and 34,621,771 sober heartbeats! Whoohoo!! Whoohoo!! Today I reflected on the fact that I have only wanted to use maybe 3 times in the past year. :) A big difference for me this time around has been my connection w/ my higher power. I have been reading through my Bible in a year and finished and started over again! ]]> Lily http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lily/11346-400-days-clean-sober.html Tuesday http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11338-tuesday.html Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:55:32 GMT Everything has been going good. Just working, taking it easy, my apartment rent is paid for, got a JEEP that is getting me to work. Plenty of Video Games, Soda, and friends. Sometimes I get bored,... Everything has been going good. Just working, taking it easy, my apartment rent is paid for, got a JEEP that is getting me to work. Plenty of Video Games, Soda, and friends. Sometimes I get bored, but I can ususally play video games, go for a walk, or go listen to live music somewhere. I have been sober for a year and five months and it keeps getting better. I just have to let go of my OLD dreams of making it rich having alot of women etc. Those dreams are now just replaced with the thoughts of, having a roof over my head, decent shoes, and a nice car, is good enough. ]]> Mcribb http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mcribb/11338-tuesday.html