remembering Sara's smile

Good afternoon world , its another wonderful windy day . life in the plain states for you , Any ways i thougt bout shareing something bout my life . I aquired 2 dwi's in a span of less then a yrs time , and i knew that life wasnt workin the way i was doing things , when i got the first dwi , I thought it was a sign to slow way down and I did that . But still visited my old stomping grounds didnt have much in the $ department had one beer was able to afford, and a friend got me a shot of jag , and i left shorty after that . well that was all it took and 20 minutes later found myself being pulled over 2 blocks from home by the same officer who had got me the first time 6 months earlier. talk bout funny in a odd sence . Wasnt tho of corse . But then relized this was my last chance being 2 in such a short span only ment i was destoned to get a 3rd i knew i wood if i didnt do something bout it . So I got help OP and AA. During my first 2 months of soberity I found out that I was pregnant , and not just a month or 2 I was 6 months pregers, This was a big time shock , Because I had been told due to medical jombo I couldnt conceive a child and have lives my life with out ever worrying of having a child , meaning never had birth control of any sorts and was married for 0ver 15 yrs and never had a child , so I beleived it was my fate not to bare a child hard to accept yes , but i had come to terms with such . SO when I found out I was pregnant 6 months talk bout a shocker , I was so excited I couldnt beleive that I was givin a 2nd chance at being something to someone a Mom at that . And I was sober , was concerned that I had drank while pregnant but I hoped for the best that she would be born with no problems . I worked my progam did the steps and did everthing I needed to do to stay pregnant and keep both of us heathly . March 13th 2004 ( her due date ) all on her own my lil dear baby Sara Nichole came to this world happy heathly and so beautiful , I swore she wasnt mine she was so beautiful not just predjust cuz she was mine but you know how some babys aint all cute there just cute cuz there infants but really quiet ugly , Sara had big blue eyes and blond hair, petite as she was she was perfect and healthy. so many reasons to be greatful to my higher power for blessing me with something so special . Then traggidy. at the age of bearly 4 days old life as we see it was takin from her lil body an she passed on. words cant possibly explain how I felt and the questions asked of why , why me why now , what had I done so horrible that god was willing to take something like that from me after giving me this gitf in the first place , I was mad.. I cant say i was mad at anyone or anything I was just mad , mad at life .. But then as tho a breeze went over me the reasons if you want to call it that or what ever , was a lil clear tho i dont understand it , and not sure I ever will , Onlyone person knows that answer. But its all for reasons , I just have to accept it and know that theres a reason why and go on in life , my higher power has plans for me and this is his will and his way . Im just here to do my share and accect things on his terms. I stay sober because I know its his will that helps me each day reflect on my life and tho they were 4 short days with the beautifulest angel . I dont dwell on the sadness of her loss , for every moment I waste thinking on the sad I ruin the short time of good I did have ,The crime in not having her over rides the fact that I did have her and how blessed my life has become. I remained sober thu all this never falling off the wagon and today I havnt fallen yet either . Its one day at a time. When my time is here and done I will see Sara again And i want her and my higher power to be proud of the things I have done on this earth. I miss my daughter everyday but I still see her in my thought , my dreams and everthing around me reminds me of her . and for this I stay sober too . The loss of a loved one is a traggidy and hard to cope with . but with the help of my highpower Ive survived another day another hour and another minute . loss isnt a reason to drink or use again it only makes things worse . Today Im 4 plus yrs sober almost at 5 and so greatful for life and its small things neglected when I was drinking , I hope that this babbling blog of mine reaches someone and helps them thu a difficult time of a loved ones passing . just need to have faith and understand he only takes the good ones thats why its called heaven.. Peace be with you " Zoner". I forgot to mention the reason Sara isnt with us, B-strept.. ladys while pregnant PLEASE be sure to have the tests request that they do it it could save your new borns life !