Jan 11/ 09

I dont really know what to write.
I don't even really know what I'm doing here at sr because when I search deep inside myself I find that I don't want to quit using because I feel too screwed up being clean.

Yet i find myself posting in active addiction with rarely an intention to get clean.
Why? ........I don't know, maybe I like being around other people, maybe its the attention.

What else could it be?
I do like helping others but trying to help someone when I'm using is hypocritical.

I like to see others progressing in there recovery... maybe thats part of it.

I also realize that being in a state of consant relapes is toxic to others and if I cant stay clean or I simply refuse to let go of dope, then i should not be posting.

Thats a no brainer.

I can only collect so many white tags before it becomes a joke.

Why I use isn't so complicated ..

its a mixture of -I cant- and - i dont wanna say goodbye.