http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:23:59 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3174-rant-here-do-not-read-if-you-do-not-like-cursing-my-temper-work.html Sat, 27 Feb 2010 22:36:57 GMT Well, I couldn't let my temper loose on Myspace.. Blog thingy wasn't working correctly, so here I am.. I hope I don't offend anyone, but please keep in mind I am focused on ONE person. My second husband. And I am sitting and stewing when I could be enjoying my time with my two beautiful boys.. So I thank SR, in advance, for giving me a place to vent. Here goes...

Could you please take your judgemental **** somewhere else? Ok, I am not perfect. Never have been and never will be. But while you are focusing on the fact that I am an addict, you're missing out on what YOUR OWN problems are. What YOU are doing to ruin our son's life. Saying all that bad ****, about me, in front of him. What kind of father are you? You are pyssing him off and pushing him away. He begs me to just take him and let him move in with me, THE PHUCKING ADDICT! So what does that tell you? He even says Jeff is better than you.
Polygamy. Drinking. Partying. What, didn't you learn, from our marriage, that **** don't work? Never works out the way you picture it. Especially for your co-dependent a$$. Obviously you have a lot of problems. I hope it makes you feel better to be able to focus on mine. Otherwise you really are wasting your time with MY problems.
I am really sorry I got my truck stuck there. I learned way more than I wanted to, about how you STILL ARE. You've not changed one bit. You're still the same MORON who thinks he is better than everyone else.
Gee.. You're so much better than me because you are not addicted to some horrible street drugs.
Sooo....
How many times has Mommy and Daddy's money bailed you out of run up credit cards, bought you cars, and houses???
How many women's personalities are you gonna adapt to before you realize you need to be your own person and stop trying to be what everyone else wants you to be?
How MANY personalities do you have again?? Sydd ring a bell? Yeah... I REMEMBER Sydd well. And SO DOES OUR SON.
How long, exactly, did it take you to get your TWO year degree? 4 or 6?? I lost track.
And how many ALL NIGHT drinking parties do you intend to have with OUR son in the house? With those people, none of them I know, getting up late in the morning AND drinking some more? What other drugs do you all do, while YOU ARE BUSY judging me?? Hmmm?
So go ahead. Keep pushing our son away from you. Make him HATE YOU like you claimed to hate your parents, back in the day. Keep telling him that I won't last long in school because I am an addict. Keep telling him I am a horrible person because of my addiction. Yeah, that's the way to teach our son.
Once upon a time, I made mistakes, but I did a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT BETTER THAN YOU. I did it myself. And when I graduate, with honors, your sorry a$$ is gonna be tied to a chair watching me take that walk. Then I am gonna point to you and say "THIS jerk couldn't get his two year degree in two years. I got mine in 18 months. AND I am an addict. What's his lame excuse!?"
I want to do that so phucking bad. Actually, I'd love to hurt him as badly as he's continued to hurt me. I'd love to stuff something up his snobby a$$ nose. I've had all I can take. I've had more than enough. I'll show him. He'll be sorry he ever, EVER, treated me the way he did. What goes around, comes around. And I cannot wait for his turn.
*screams*
Now, maybe I can finally let this junk go and get on with the rest of my day....
]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3174-rant-here-do-not-read-if-you-do-not-like-cursing-my-temper-work.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3150-poem-song.html Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:06:08 GMT *The Angel and the Devil* Heaven sent an Angel down to protect me, But the devil stomped on her feet. Ripped off her wings so she could not fly. Smacked her until he made her cry. Then he... The Angel and the Devil


Heaven sent an Angel down to protect me,
But the devil stomped on her feet.
Ripped off her wings so she could not fly.
Smacked her until he made her cry.

Then he turned to me with a wide grin
And asked me where should we begin?
Extending out his shriveled up hand
Asking me to join up with his band.

I took the gnarled up fingers and I sank fast
Spinning round, hoping this ride won't last.
Screaming out from the pain and agony
Praying my angel would come rescue me.

She's not here. No where to be found.
Devil's got her buried deep under ground.
Scattered her feathers to the winds and seas
No one here is gonna save me from this beast.
Muffled sounds from under this dirt floor,
Devil says I can be with her if I take one more.

So I take one more. I do it again, and I find
That I feel I'm about to lose my freaking mind.
My shaky hands hold tight to my stem
As I load it up over and over again.

What a journey crack will take you on.
Keep you hooked until you're gone.
Yellow white rock that owns your soul complete.
Making you lie, steal, sell, and even cheat.

I call for my angel one last time
After I've sold my soul for one last dime.
Devil says that she'll never be free.
Devil says she's never gonna come get me.

She's not here. No where to be found.
Devil's got her buried deep under ground.
Scattered her feathers to the winds and seas
No one here is gonna save me from this beast.
Muffled sounds from under this dirt floor,
Devil says I can be with her if I take one more.

I cannot take it anymore, I've got to let loose.
With or without, my neck is tight in this noose.
It's either die or live to see another day.
No more. Not one. Not ever. No way.

As I lift myself up over this crutch, I hear a bell.
Distant ringing, I think, I can barely tell.
I watch as the feathers gather up and take shape.
As the angel bursts forth from the earth like a quake.

The Devil cowers beneath the awesome might
Of wings that beat in rhythmatic flight.
As the brightness of the light consumes
The darkness of the devil is diffused.

My Angel is here, she is in sight.
Watches the Devil as he takes flight.
Angel's wings beat against the winds of doom.
Body of light shines through the torrential gloom.
I hear, I see, I believe, I know, I love, I embrace the power within.
And I am free, free, I say, from this horrible sin!


~2-22-10~
CrackQuack's writing! No copying please! ]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3150-poem-song.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3091-chaotic.html Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:06:45 GMT Banging my head against this keyboard.
I can barely stand to take it anymore.
Typing with vengence and speed.
Everyone here, do take heed!

Like a merry-go-round, you're spinning like a top.
On this rollercoaster ride that never stops!
Racing down the track like you've got no brakes.
When settled down, you're rubbing all those aches!

Changing wind whips your face and hair,
But you're copping and you don't even care,
That the law is looking out for you still.
It's like you've lost the battle and your will.

Slow down little one, life is so chaotic.
Don't take that chill pill, but think about the anti-biotic.
Robotic, rhyming, rhythm, speed of your doom,
When you're sitting all alone in your room.

Stem in your hand or needle in your vein,
Pill in your pocket, line out, running like a train.
Whatever your vise, let it go, walk away.
You don't have to use, just for today!

~CrackQuack 1-28-10~ ]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3091-chaotic.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3068-one-i-wrote-my-boyfriend-sweetheart-he.html Sat, 23 Jan 2010 19:18:11 GMT I BELONG.. The sand sparkling on the shore, Leaving the heart to desire more. The breeze blowing through the air, My soul longing for your presence there. My dreams I simply cannot express.... I BELONG..
The sand sparkling on the shore,
Leaving the heart to desire more.
The breeze blowing through the air,
My soul longing for your presence there.

My dreams I simply cannot express.
Mortal words leave me under duress.
When I look into the depths of the ocean blue,
And cannot fathom being with anyone other than you.


My darling, the sight of you takes away my breath,
Clearing my thoughts until nothing is left.
Only memories of us, in my mind remain.
Your heavenly presence has just not left me the same.

Me desire is stronger than the water's wrath,
Carving out the stones in the canyon path,
Swaying trees in the destructive wind,
Calming down for rest only to begin again.

I belong to someone special.
Like the sea against her vessel.
With the gentle ebb and flow of the tide,
The waves carressing the ship's side.

Sweetheart, I belong to you and you alone.
My love, my desire, my passion, set in stone.
Will always express my wishes to the stars in the sky,
And you will never, ever, long to ask why.

~CrackQuack 1-12-10~
]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3068-one-i-wrote-my-boyfriend-sweetheart-he.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3064-ill-do-what-i-want-lol.html Wed, 20 Jan 2010 22:10:17 GMT I was gonna try to be all mean and nasty, but when I am clean, it's not my nature...I was gonna say I can cuss and rant and rave when I phucking want to, LOL, but, I am finding more fun in writing silly things like Horse's behind, rat tails, and cheese and crackers.. Oh, don't forget Mother Truckr. hahahaha..
Anyway, sometimes, I get that poetic urge to write and come up with some good ones... So here is one I wrote, kind of recovery related. At least I think so. A bit hopeful. A bit sad. A bit of happiness. :) Enjoy!



We'll start this rhyme off by admitting I am poor.
My family and friends are getting presents from the dollar store.
I cannot even afford to fix my own truck or car.
Looking mighty bleak so far.

I work a mere 20 hours a week, for little cash.
I cannot even put away a tiny little stash.
My bills are paid on a wing and a prayer.
Sometimes I wonder how or where.

But a light is at the end of the tunnel there.
For those of you who have heart to care.
I have a wonderful man who holds me dear.
I have a wonderful family sitting right here.

I have friends who cared to stick it through.
Even when they just didn't know what to do.
Trials and errors, many there were and many there will be.
But I didn't smoke crack, most importantly!

I haven't smoked crack in ages and it feels so great.
From early this year 'til this date,
And for many many years to come by.
I won't smoke crack, and that ain't no lie.

~CrackQuack Dec. 21st, 2009~
~One dopeless HOPE fiend!~
]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/3064-ill-do-what-i-want-lol.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/2869-my-font-color-size-wierd.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:54:32 GMT Ok, what is this with picking on my font color choice? It's not bright purple. It's purple. One person says it's too small, so I up the size from 2 to 3. That's all I plan to change. It's like people, especially ones who disagree with me, tend to complain about it. It bothers me a bit. Kind of like they are trying to take a stab at my choices in typing color and size because they have nothing else to pick on me for. Yeah, that could be me being paranoid. But none of the colors or sizes have ever bothered me. Period. It's just strange. Just wierd.
But know this. I tried different colors. I DID change the size for one person, but I LOVE the color purple. I didn't like the other colors and I don't want to be like everyone else and type in black. Yuck. I am an addict, so I understand getting hung up on something and not wanting to let go. I am hung up on purple and I don't intend to let go. LOLOLOLOL
Whether you're 20 or 200, please just deal with the color I use or don't read them. IDK. I don't find issue with anyone else's and I've never heard of anyone else having to deal with the same thing I am dealing with.
It's weird. I am weird. We're all weird. It's not like 500 people are saying stuff, but half a dozen is more than enough to get my attention.
Oh well. I rant and pick the stupidest things to worry about. LOL. That's my..
But just know, I love purple. I'd turn everyone's font color into purple if I could. ;) LOLOLOL ]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/2869-my-font-color-size-wierd.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/2117-rain-rain-go-away-lol.html Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:14:06 GMT I know, I know.. Rain makes the green stuff grow. The flowers bloom. My soon to be garden rich with yummy delights.. But I am just feeling the weather. Lazy, sleepy, blah. It's my first blog here. I have 5 days until my 90 days. I am so proud of that. Despite a bit of temptation along the way, some withdrawals, and a lot of sleepless nights. I just don't want to go through the he ll again. I'm finally at the point where I want to stay clean more than I want to get high.
I've got so much work to do and sometimes it seems overwhelming. I still have to get the title to one of my sold vehicles to the new owner so she can get the car in her name. She and I used to use together and I have a hard time going down to see her..
I need to call my sponsor and I really should go to a meeting.
I am at a crossroads of sorts with my step work. I don't know if it's because I have a case of the lazies or because I am truly confused as to the point of the step work, but either way.. It's not getting done right now.
Sometimes the balance is easy to find, sometimes it is not.
I feel closer to my boyfriend. I feel we are getting closer, becoming more of a couple and it's a little scary. I just hate to get close to someone and something happen that will cause me to have to start over again. It's why I didn't want a relationship, initially, in the first place. But the more we saw each other, the more I changed my mind. I am not in love with him, but I do admire him and care for him a great deal. My day gets better when I see his face. That he cares what happens to me astounds me. I simply had become used to being used. Where people only cared what happened to me if I didn't have the dope back to their place by a certain time. I am not used to someone who cares about getting my truck put back together, seeing me as a person, and caring about whether or not I am using. I stay clean for myself, but it sure helps to have him be proud of me too. :) ]]> CrackQuack http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/crackquack/2117-rain-rain-go-away-lol.html