SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs - ClaretandBlue http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 00:08:43 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs - ClaretandBlue http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/ Self-examination http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2189-self-examination.html Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:58:55 GMT ---Quote--- It is not upon you alone the dark patches fall, The dark threw its patches down upon me also, The best I had done seemed to me blank and suspicious, My great thoughts as I supposed...
Quote:
It is not upon you alone the dark patches fall,
The dark threw its patches down upon me also,
The best I had done seemed to me blank and suspicious,
My great thoughts as I supposed them, were they not in reality meagre?
Nor is it you alone who know what it is to be evil,
I am he who knew what it was to be evil,
I too knitted the old knot of contrariety,
Blabbed, blushed, resented, lied, stole, grudged,
Had guile, anger, lust, hot wishes I dared not speak,
Was wayward, vain, greedy, shallow, sly, cowardly, malignant,
The wolf, the snake, the hog, not wanting in me,
The cheating look, the frivolous word, the adulterous wish, not wanting,
Refusals, hates, postponements, meanness, laziness, none of these wanting,
Was one with the rest, the days and haps of the rest,
Was called by my nighest name by clear loud voices of young men as they saw me
approaching or passing,
Felt their arms on my neck as I stood, or the negligent leaning of their flesh
against me as I sat,
Saw many I loved in the street or ferry-boat or public assembly, yet never
told them a word,
Lived the same life with the rest, the same old laughing, gnawing, sleeping,
Played the part that still looks back on the actor or actress,
The same old role, the role that is what we make it, as great as we like,
Or as small as we like, or both great and small.

-Walt Whitman




I went to a step meeting last night and the focus was Step 4. I’m still on the lookout for a sponsor, so I haven’t made it to Step 4 yet myself, but in being honest with myself I can say it’s one that really scares me. When it came my turn to comment, I mentioned those makeup mirrors in many hotel bathrooms. You know the ones, they’re curved, usually back-lit and magnify your face into this huge blown-up image of yourself. Every time I look into one I realize how big my pores are, and how many blemishes exist on the surface that you don’t normally see. I don’t look into those mirrors very long because I don’t like what is looking back at me.

I have a feeling Step 4 is going to result in a very long list. Since choosing sobriety (Day 17!) I’ve found myself taking time to analyze my actions, and more importantly my reactions to people and situations. I still see a lot of the ‘old me’ in those things. However the fact that I recognize these actions and reactions is a far cry from when they just occurred and I accepted them as normal.

One woman who has been sober quite some time had a great comment that I’m really clinging too in hopes that it’s true for me as well. After completing step 4 and 5, she mentioned that as her HP helped to remove those defects of character, slowly they were replaced with character assets. I could really use some of those, because as the mental haze and fog slowly lift, I begin to clearly see myself, and the mountain of defects that exist below the surface.

I’m scared of what will actually be left when those defects are removed. I fear not much. I hope that through my sobriety and through my HP those assets will help rebuild and reshape me into a better person, but I know that it will not happen automatically. It will take work on my part.

I’ve said that before. “I need to work on X.” “I can do Y better.” I don’t think I ever really meant it, because it was a product of my addiction. They were reactions to getting caught, or escaping a bad situation so that I could proceed in using or drinking again. Obviously it didn’t work. Now when I say I need to work on something, or react differently I mean it. Hopefully with the help of AA and my HP I can transform those good intentions into reality.

Choosing Sobriety,

C&B ]]> ClaretandBlue http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2189-self-examination.html Serenity Now! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2186-serenity-now.html Fri, 29 May 2009 13:26:43 GMT
Quote:
I think we are too ready with complaint
In this fair world of God's. Had we no hope
Indeed beyond the zenith and the slope
Of yon gray blank of sky, we might grow faint
To muse upon eternity's constraint
Round our aspirant souls;

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning
One of the biggest challenges I’ve come to face in my sobriety is the fact that I have control over very little in my life. Of course I can choose my actions but in many cases those actions are actually reactions to what life (or my higher power) has brought into my life that day. Often times those reactions are immediate, and based only on a very small subset of things in our lives. I got off the el yesterday and missed my connecting bus by 15-20 seconds, leaving me to walk the remaining 6 blocks home.

I cannot describe how infuriated I was. I wanted to hit the nearest thing I could.. person, car, light pole, it didn’t matter I was just so overwhelmed with frustration and anger.

Talk about a reaction! I started thinking to myself that as much I would love the power, I simply don’t control the bus schedules, or the bus driver, or the train driver, or the traffic.. any of it. Honestly, it didn’t matter what I tried to tell myself, I was still so angry. Like many things in life, thinking and saying things are much easier than actually living them. Sure I can repeat the serenity prayer, but it’s not bringing that bus back, is it?

I heard a story in a meeting last week that really hit home. This gentleman had gotten several DUI’s and eventually sought help for his drinking through AA. One of the first things he did was to make a goal to get his license back. He’d been sober for 3 years and had finally been approved to get his license, and was just waiting on the official letter in the mail to come. He kept waiting, and waiting and had finally had enough. He decided to just go to the DMV and try and get his license; If he was in the system, great! If not, he’d just go home and wait for the letter. On the way there his car died, and he got a flat tire. Eventually someone gave him a ride home. The next day, his letter came in the mail.

It’s important for all of us to remember that we’re not on our own timetables. There are things we can’t control, and we need to admit that and stop forcing things. Just accept them as they come. Again, easy to say, hard to live.

Looking back at my bus situation 16+ hours later, it was obviously an overreaction and it effected almost nothing else in my life. I had to walk a bit farther and it took a bit longer. I think that in and of itself might’ve been a lesson right there. Slow it down, and easy does it. If everything came to us on time and as expected, we’d never learn to appreciate those things.

Though we chose our actions and our reactions, life is much more than what is happening to us right now. There is a plan for all of us, and though it seems at times we take one step forward and two steps backwards, there is no race. All things in time.

Progress, not perfection.

C&B ]]> ClaretandBlue http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2186-serenity-now.html An Uphill Battle http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2184-uphill-battle.html Thu, 28 May 2009 13:30:11 GMT
Quote:
Does the road wind up-hill all the way?
Yes, to the very end.
Will the day's journey take the whole long day?
From morn to night, my friend.

But is there for the night a resting-place?
A roof for when the slow dark hours begin.
May not the darkness hide it from my face?
You cannot miss that inn.

Shall I meet other wayfarers at night?
Those who have gone before.
Then must I knock, or call when just in sight?
They will not keep you standing at that door.

Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak?
Of labour you shall find the sum.
Will there be beds for me and all who seek?
Yea, beds for all who come.

--Christina Rossetti


I’ve always felt an attachment to that poem, ever since first reading it at least 18 years ago in school. It reminds me that life is always a journey, no matter how often we get tied down to day-to-day things, and the minutia of everyday life. Today is just another step towards tomorrow, and the days to come after that.

The poem also points out that our journey is uphill, and at times difficult. If we persevere and see the day through, we’ll meet up with those who’ve gone before us, and have a place to rest, both physically and spiritually. I’m pretty sure the poem was referring to death, and having beds for all who seek meaning seeking God and forgiveness. I personally choose to take it to be a microcosm of our lives and struggles with addiction and alcoholism. Every day can be an uphill battle, some days better and some worse, but if we seek sobriety there will always be a place for us at the end of the day.

I’m still early on in my overall journey through sobriety, but I know that in staying sober, being honest and kind, and trying to help others I will find myself reaching a place of peace and rest each night. I learn from those who’ve gone before me, and listen to their stories, and of the stories of those who are on this journey with me.

The best part of this poem is that the author makes clear that we’re not alone. How difficult, or even impossible would this be by ourselves? I like to think myself a man of mettle, but I recognize that solely relying on myself failed me for so many years. When I begin to think that this problem is one easily solved by self-reliance, I remind myself of this line from The Big Book (There is a Solution).

Quote:
We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain´s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship´s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.


Keep coming back.

C&B ]]> ClaretandBlue http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2184-uphill-battle.html <![CDATA[I'm nobody! Who are you?]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2181-im-nobody-who-you.html Wed, 27 May 2009 13:58:09 GMT
Quote:
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

-Emily Dickinson
I guess I’ve known for quite some time that I’m an addict/alcoholic. I went years drinking every day, and then was able to stop of my own accord. Surely I had it beat! It doesn’t matter that the frequency decreased while in direct proportion, the quantity increased. I wasn’t drinking or using every day, so obviously I didn’t have problem!

Ahh, the little lies our addiction addled brains will weave for us so that we can justify almost anything. The lying, stealing, and in general degenerative behavior were all par for the course. What I’ve come to realize rather recently is that I need to put the club down, put away the tee and toss the golf-ball into the water trap (figuratively, of course.. don’t be crazy, I’m not quitting golf!). This is a game I cannot win. Not with the best club, the best ball, on the brightest day with even the strongest of winds. I will always come up short.

That’s a damn scary thing to admit. Many of us are taught that the world is our oyster. Take what you want, no one will give it to you! You can do anything!

Be the ball!

I’m done playing. It’s hard for me at this point (day 11) to even watch from the sidelines. Even that, can at times, still tempt me into playing, that today just might be.. “my day”! I need to accept that in order to stay sober, I can never play again.

I say that not to garner pity or sympathy, or to express a “boo-hoo, poor me” mentality, but because it’s the truth. I find comfort in my meetings, in the “broken-brethren” of AA, and knowing that I’m not alone. There’s a pair of us, and many more. While I may feel banished from the rest of the world at times, it’s not the case. Removing one part of my life makes room for other things. More time to focus on my marriage, my family, my hobbies, and the world in general.

The weather today in Chicago is dreary, rainy and bleak. But the weather inside me is sunny and calm. I don’t have control over the “real” weather, but inside I am my own rainmaker. Today I choose to see the sun, and feel the wind. Tomorrow may be different, but I can’t control tomorrow any more than I control the weather outside.

Sincerest wishes for calm winds and sunny skies for you all.

C&B ]]> ClaretandBlue http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/claretandblue/2181-im-nobody-who-you.html