Self-examination

Quote:

It is not upon you alone the dark patches fall,
The dark threw its patches down upon me also,
The best I had done seemed to me blank and suspicious,
My great thoughts as I supposed them, were they not in reality meagre?
Nor is it you alone who know what it is to be evil,
I am he who knew what it was to be evil,
I too knitted the old knot of contrariety,
Blabbed, blushed, resented, lied, stole, grudged,
Had guile, anger, lust, hot wishes I dared not speak,
Was wayward, vain, greedy, shallow, sly, cowardly, malignant,
The wolf, the snake, the hog, not wanting in me,
The cheating look, the frivolous word, the adulterous wish, not wanting,
Refusals, hates, postponements, meanness, laziness, none of these wanting,
Was one with the rest, the days and haps of the rest,
Was called by my nighest name by clear loud voices of young men as they saw me
approaching or passing,
Felt their arms on my neck as I stood, or the negligent leaning of their flesh
against me as I sat,
Saw many I loved in the street or ferry-boat or public assembly, yet never
told them a word,
Lived the same life with the rest, the same old laughing, gnawing, sleeping,
Played the part that still looks back on the actor or actress,
The same old role, the role that is what we make it, as great as we like,
Or as small as we like, or both great and small.

-Walt Whitman

I went to a step meeting last night and the focus was Step 4. I’m still on the lookout for a sponsor, so I haven’t made it to Step 4 yet myself, but in being honest with myself I can say it’s one that really scares me. When it came my turn to comment, I mentioned those makeup mirrors in many hotel bathrooms. You know the ones, they’re curved, usually back-lit and magnify your face into this huge blown-up image of yourself. Every time I look into one I realize how big my pores are, and how many blemishes exist on the surface that you don’t normally see. I don’t look into those mirrors very long because I don’t like what is looking back at me.

I have a feeling Step 4 is going to result in a very long list. Since choosing sobriety (Day 17!) I’ve found myself taking time to analyze my actions, and more importantly my reactions to people and situations. I still see a lot of the ‘old me’ in those things. However the fact that I recognize these actions and reactions is a far cry from when they just occurred and I accepted them as normal.

One woman who has been sober quite some time had a great comment that I’m really clinging too in hopes that it’s true for me as well. After completing step 4 and 5, she mentioned that as her HP helped to remove those defects of character, slowly they were replaced with character assets. I could really use some of those, because as the mental haze and fog slowly lift, I begin to clearly see myself, and the mountain of defects that exist below the surface.

I’m scared of what will actually be left when those defects are removed. I fear not much. I hope that through my sobriety and through my HP those assets will help rebuild and reshape me into a better person, but I know that it will not happen automatically. It will take work on my part.

I’ve said that before. “I need to work on X.” “I can do Y better.” I don’t think I ever really meant it, because it was a product of my addiction. They were reactions to getting caught, or escaping a bad situation so that I could proceed in using or drinking again. Obviously it didn’t work. Now when I say I need to work on something, or react differently I mean it. Hopefully with the help of AA and my HP I can transform those good intentions into reality.

Choosing Sobriety,

C&B