Serenity Now!

One of the biggest challenges I’ve come to face in my sobriety is the fact that I have control over very little in my life. Of course I can choose my actions but in many cases those actions are actually reactions to what life (or my higher power) has brought into my life that day. Often times those reactions are immediate, and based only on a very small subset of things in our lives. I got off the el yesterday and missed my connecting bus by 15-20 seconds, leaving me to walk the remaining 6 blocks home.

I cannot describe how infuriated I was. I wanted to hit the nearest thing I could.. person, car, light pole, it didn’t matter I was just so overwhelmed with frustration and anger.

Talk about a reaction! I started thinking to myself that as much I would love the power, I simply don’t control the bus schedules, or the bus driver, or the train driver, or the traffic.. any of it. Honestly, it didn’t matter what I tried to tell myself, I was still so angry. Like many things in life, thinking and saying things are much easier than actually living them. Sure I can repeat the serenity prayer, but it’s not bringing that bus back, is it?

I heard a story in a meeting last week that really hit home. This gentleman had gotten several DUI’s and eventually sought help for his drinking through AA. One of the first things he did was to make a goal to get his license back. He’d been sober for 3 years and had finally been approved to get his license, and was just waiting on the official letter in the mail to come. He kept waiting, and waiting and had finally had enough. He decided to just go to the DMV and try and get his license; If he was in the system, great! If not, he’d just go home and wait for the letter. On the way there his car died, and he got a flat tire. Eventually someone gave him a ride home. The next day, his letter came in the mail.

It’s important for all of us to remember that we’re not on our own timetables. There are things we can’t control, and we need to admit that and stop forcing things. Just accept them as they come. Again, easy to say, hard to live.

Looking back at my bus situation 16+ hours later, it was obviously an overreaction and it effected almost nothing else in my life. I had to walk a bit farther and it took a bit longer. I think that in and of itself might’ve been a lesson right there. Slow it down, and easy does it. If everything came to us on time and as expected, we’d never learn to appreciate those things.

Though we chose our actions and our reactions, life is much more than what is happening to us right now. There is a plan for all of us, and though it seems at times we take one step forward and two steps backwards, there is no race. All things in time.

Progress, not perfection.

C&B