It's been a while since I've blogged. I'm not at a really good place right now, even though I've decided to try to have a clean day today (so far I've been successful, but I've only been awake for a couple of hours).

I seem to have misplaced my desire to get clean. I had it a few weeks ago, when I gave my husband my remaining pills because using had become more than an option. It had become a given. It was a Friday and I knew that I was going to receive the phone call that would...

That was one of my mother's warnings. She also phrased it as: "You'll become like those you hang out with." My mother was right (as mothers often times are). My problem, though, is that the bad company that influences me is... well, it's me and me can't seem to figure out how to stay stopped.

I'm so discouraged that I hardly have the will to write about it. No major crisis struck. No sudden windfall of expendable cash or onslaught of scripts. It was simply the constant,...

I didn't realize that each entry had a maximum. So, here goes part two.

(5/12) Thursday 10mg
I got a rude awakening on Thursday (it's Saturday and I'm updating). The new doctor won't take me unless I toss my oxys. I don't see that happening. He's given me appointment next week. I'm to meditate on it during the week.

I nearly lost it afterward. I just cannot handle the emotional roller coaster any longer. I have to come to terms with why I refuse to toss my...

April showers bring May flowers... I've always looked forward to the time of year when I would recite that line. I love the outdoors and the summer. Living in the Northeast, the favorable weather is much too brief. Finally, the days are lengthening and it's daylight, even though it's 8pm. I should be happy, but I'm not.

Instead, I find myself crushed by despair, wishing that it were darkness -- a darkness that would allow me to remove myself from the activities of the day, a darkness...

...and this is my story.

I came to SR back in November. If you read my first post, you'll see that I hadn't started taking pills yet. Looking back on the post, now, I see what my sponsor saw when she read it and told me that, even before I picked up, I was an addict. I had never been physically dependent on anything and had even gone nearly twenty years without picking up so much as a beer. Then, something snapped near the end of November 2008. I don't know how to describe it other...