SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs - christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Wed, 15 Feb 2012 23:58:11 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs - christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/ Once Upon a Time... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2678-once-upon-time.html Sat, 17 Oct 2009 11:45:56 GMT I fear that part of the struggles that I'm having in embracing recovery is because I'm still fighting to preserve who I think that I've always been. I recently told this to my sponsor. I get discouraged when it seems that others accept things more easily than I accept them and, therefore, they make better progress.

It's hard to think that I have to lay everything down in order to pick up a twelve-step way of life. I'm not even sure that it's a way of life that I really want. To be perfectly honest, if I were to be given a choice, I'd probably choose to have my old life back (or something like my old life and without the pills, of course). It wasn't a perfect life and it was painful in various ways. Still, I had hope that if I held out and continued to do what I thought that God was having me do, it was going to improve.

If only I could just not feel the need to pick up the pills anymore, or anything else as a substitute.

I admit that I get confused, especially when my mood changes. Maybe I'm just looking not to be an addict anymore. Maybe that's what I'm missing most from my old life. I had thought that almost all the guilt and shame of discovering that I'm an addict had left. Then, I had a mini-meltdown in the middle of the night last week. The guilt and shame of having robbed my family of the Christin they have always known, hit me hard.

Once upon a time, my sons and my husband could count on me to be the steady, reliable one on whom they could depend, no matter what. If they needed clarity or advice based on right-thinking, they knew to come to me. I was never one who reacted to situations. When I acted it was in response to what I knew to be moral and right.

Once upon a time, I was the only one out of my father's six children, whom he "didn't need to worry about." It's been a long time since my teenage years and my early twenties when I had some trouble. My father was aware of my drinking, but coming from a family of hard-core alcoholics, I still was considered little less than a tea totaler. He knew nothing of my substance abuse which, due to limited supply, never got out of control. All my father has known for the past twenty years is a woman who attends church faithfully, who has brought up her children in a disciplined and well-kept home, who served as den mother for cub scouts , religion teacher on Sundays, and secretary who seldom missed a day of work.

Unlike my father's eldest daughter, I was the daughter who respected her parents regardless of their flaws. I became a parent myself, which was instrumental in teaching me to accept and to forgive my parents for their neglect, understanding just how much they DID give considering how little they had received while growing.

Once upon a time, when my mother needed a caretaker for the last nine months of her life, she never feared that she would be put in a nursing home. I learned to give her insulin shots, to hook up the dialysis machine every night, and to perform wound care on a non-healing amputation which, making her wheelchair bound, made her unable to bathe normally, if her weak heart would have allowed for that.

Unlike my brothers, who are busy with monetary and career pursuits, I was always the one who looked to please others and to do for them whatever I could. Unlike my two younger sisters who have been wild in their lifestyles and who have not remained with the fathers of any of their children, I could be counted on to be married to the same man anniversary after anniversary, even though the marriage was one that often felt as though it were on the brink of divorce.

My life has turned upside down. Now, I'm the daughter who "of all (my father's) children is the one who (he) least would have expected to be a drug addict." My husband, who often acts more like my fourth kid than a partner in parenting, is put in the position of consoling me when I'm sobbing because I'm afraid that I'm losing my mind or when I can't sit still because the obsession won't leave me. Now, my youngest son, who deserves the best mother possible (after all, his two older brothers didn't have a druggie for a mom) feels that he needs to check up on his mother to see if she's feeling okay today and becomes concerned when I take a pill, unless I first tell him its purpose.

Forever gone, I'm afraid, are the things that used to define my life. Now, I look at me and I see (what I'm certain everyone else sees) a person flawed beyond repair. The blemish of addiction has marred my life so badly that I doubt that there is any hope of going back to what was my life once upon a time. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2678-once-upon-time.html Mean People Suck http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2664-mean-people-suck.html Sat, 10 Oct 2009 13:32:19 GMT I've seen that pasted on many local bumper stickers and, although I don't sport such a sticker on my Subaru (I'd rather tout the joys of climbing), I agree completely. We have some mean-spirited people on SR. I know; they've replied to some of my threads. That's one of the reasons that I don't start very many threads on SR. I'll reply to the threads of others, but to put Christin's name on a thread and to announce that it's "Open Season on Christin" -- no thanks.

Why there are those individuals who (thankfully are not many) have had nothing but angry words to post to me since I joined SR, I will probably never know. Some people just misunderstand the poster, but some are just downright mean and hurtful.

My sponsor (who has read my posts and the replies that I've received on SR) used to tell me that some people might be from the old school. Well, I've been a regular in the rooms of NA and AA for nine months now. I've met many "old timers." And thank God none of them have treated me as I have been treated by some on SR.

I know that we have the option to ignore certain individuals. However, I have chosen, instead, to refrain from starting threads. This prevents me from being the target of mean-spiritedness yet enables me to read what everyone posts so that I am able to offer a kind word to someone who might mainly be getting replies that resemble the hurtful ones that have been posted in reply to my threads.

All I can say in acceptance of this is that there are some people who have not realized recovery. These people (in spite of seeming to have worked the steps) are no more serene or happy than the dry drunk next to them in a beginner's meeting.

I was in a very volatile place emotionally yesterday. I took the chance of posting, figuring that I was posting in the Suboxone forum where those who are typically unkind to me have little reason to venture. Still, I was found. It was a day in which the roller coaster of emotions, which I've been assured is normal for early recovery, had taken its toll on me. I'm an addict in early recovery who is a wife, a mom, the daughter of a father who has cancer (for whom I'm the primary helper), who is trying to do everything that she can to hold down her rather stressful job, trying to keep her writing from falling into oblivion again (as it did while she was using), and not let my addiction have any more of a negative impact on my family as is absolutely necessary.

A kind and understanding ear is all that I need sometimes. Unfortunately, there are some people who can't discern when someone is emotionally on the edge, when the last thing that they need is something that might be seen as a way to knock them down ("to size") or even to push them forward.

Then again, there are those who simply are mean-spirited, which simply translates to them being "small" in spirit. I guess that it's no surprise that they would struggle with a program based on spiritual principles. Such people believe that when someone is shouting :a108: the best response is :c002: I don't know about you, but I think that's very :c020: ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2664-mean-people-suck.html Is everyone meant to recover? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2551-everyone-meant-recover.html Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:10:47 GMT Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and... Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

I mentioned to my sponsor that I think that some people don't have a choice of whether or not to use, even if they're working or have worked a twelve-step program. Aware of my recent struggles, my sponsor replied, "I have two concerns. The first is that you’re trying to justify your way into another run. If you can get it to make enough sense in your head, absolve yourself of any real responsibility, then it’s okay. Besides, you have a whole list of “yets” to burn through." Of course, I would have loved to just disregard the comment, but my sponsor forwarned me in March about a relapse that I had in May. I didn't see what she could see. I was as sure of my thinking then as I am now. I'm hoping that by addressing this in my blog, I will come to see what my sponsor sees in my reasoning.

I don't make it common knowledge on the forum that I'm back on Suboxone. But, I couldn't stay off the oxys without it. The obsession was so unbearable that I started hurting myself to distract. Regardless of what I tried, I eventually ended up using again (the last time was after 12 days clean). It's my hope that the Suboxone will buy me the time that I need to work on my recovery so that I can eventually withstand the mental stuff and get free of ALL opiates. However, there is a part of me that fears that without DRT, the obsession will get the better part of me. Apparently, that opinion is growing stronger because it's gone from being something that in the back of my mind I feared might be true to a fairly strong opinion, one which I have mentioned on SR. My sponsor was quick to indicate that because my comments are "self-referential" it sounds to her as though I'm looking to make another run. Maybe I don't feel like I've suffered enough, she said. As I said earlier, I would have loved to simply disregard her comment, but that would be foolish. My sponsor has proven herself to be wise.

If only my position didn't make so much sense to me! Knowing my sponsor's insight, I wouldn't change my opinion, I would obliterate it. But, it does make sense, perfect sense. No twelve-step program claims 100% sober results. The above quote indicates the reasons for failure: not following 100% of the program 100% of the time, not being able to be honest, etc. Are those the only reasons? Isn't it possible that some people are just not able to be helped? Addiction is a disease, after all. When a disease is incurable but is able to be brought into remission, does everyone have the benefit of going into remission? If an incurable disease has a medicine that can put it into check, are there not some people for whom the medicine for that particular disease does not work? It's a great mystery why God allows some people to find relief from a disease when He doesn't ordain the same remedy for another. (Obviously, the second step is one that trips me up).

As far as I know, I don't suffer from any grave emotional or mental disorder. I've been told (and I believe) that I'm honest. I know that I'm trying to work the program, and I'm doing it to the best of my ability. So, why do I find that the part of me that fears the program doesn't work for everyone hasn't lessened during this time but has, ironically, become stronger? I'm doing what I'm told to do. Other than for this issue, I've been trying not to get my own muddled thinking involved. But, it seems to me that if I'm subconsciously beginning to justify a relapse in spite of working the program to the best of my ability, possibly my thinking is accurate and it's not my addiction looking to make another run. It seems so reasonable and clear to me!

Before last night, I had a week or so of intermittent insomnia and an increase in craving. Although it wasn't an easy time, at least I had the consolation that I was making progress. At that point in time, my sponsor assured me that it wasn't a reflection of what I was or wasn't doing. It was simply the nature of the beast, my addiction digging its claws in, not wanting to lose. Now, however, I don't have that consolation.

I really want to be ticked off about this whole thing, but I know that won't do me any good. I'm praying about it, though not as much as I should. Perhaps, now that it's down on "paper," I can stop thinking about it and more easily let it go. Maybe now that it's out, I will be able to do more praying than complaining. I can't afford to waste my energy. I'm moving onto the second step and, as I noted earlier, it's not an easy step for me. I repeatedly trip on it. Who knows? Maybe my struggles with the second step will be my next blog entry. Of course I believe that God can return me to a state of sanity. That's an easy thing for me to believe. It's just that I'm not convinced that He will. After all, God allows some people to find relief from a disease when He doesn't ordain the same remedy for another...

Oh, sh!t... I'm right back where I started this, aren't I? :( ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2551-everyone-meant-recover.html Why a twelve-step program for recovery? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2512-why-twelve-step-program-recovery.html Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:53:50 GMT My sponsor sent me a link for the following article. I think that it's an incredible piece on addiction and why twelve-step programs work. I have made it part of my blog because I plan to reference it often and, this way, I can direct people to my blog to read it.

As a Christian, I feel compelled to post a disclaimer that the good rabbi's theology is incomplete. When he comments on the Genesis quote: "Let us create man in our own image," he does not have the benefit of a belief in a Trinitarian God. All the same, the article is excellent and that part of the article can easily be interpreted and reconciled with a Trinitarian concept of God Who creates a completely perfect world, which later is marred by sin.


Other Voices: What lifts people out of addiction?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006
The Post-Gazette keeps up with advances in the treatment of alcoholism, including, in April, the FDA approval of a new injectable form of the drug naltrexone, marketed as Vivitrol, which is designed to reduce a craving for alcohol. The dilemma of looking to medication to ease the pains of addiction while many medications often seem to lead to addiction itself is not lost on Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, a psychiatrist and longtime expert in alcohol and chemical dependency.


As founder and medical director emeritus of Gateway Rehabilitation Center, Dr. Twerski spoke last month at the center's Recovery Breakfast, on the topic "Will Chemical Blockers Eliminate the Need for AA?" Below is his Sept. 10 speech:

When I was in medical school, my professor of pharmacology asked me what my plans for the future were, and I told him l was planning to become a psychiatrist. He said, "One day, we're going to produce a pill that will put you all out of business." Well, that's not quite what happened. Rather, they produced a number of pills that made my business skyrocket. First there was Miltown, the tranquilizer that promised "tranquil but alert," and proved to be very addictive. That was followed by Librium, Valium, and a number of other benzodiazepenes, all of which are addictive Then they came out with a sleeping pill that was not a barbiturate, therefore, it was not addictive. It was called Quaalude, remember? Then came Percocet, Vicodan, and now Oxycontin. It's evident that pharmacology has not succeeded in putting me out of business at all.

There are some interesting things happening in pharmacology. Much research is going on in the metabolism of alcohol, and there are drugs that seem to reduce the craving for alcohol in some people. They predict that there may eventually be a drug that will actually eliminate the craving for alcohol. Won't that be wonderful? A pill to cure alcoholism! Just what we've been hoping for, right?

Ironically, I see such a development as a disaster. There are people who have stopped drinking or using drugs without a 12-step program, either because of a serious threat to their life or because the spouse threatened to leave or because they were afraid of losing their job. These are the people that are referred to as "dry drunks." Even though they are not drinking or drugging, their character and personality has not changed, and their behavior is just as pathological as that of an active addict.

Some of you may remember Marty L. Ho spoke on his 20th anniversary of sobriety, and began with, "The man I once was, drank. And the man I once was, will drink again." The reason Marty was not drinking was because he had undergone a character transformation, and this "new" Marty had no reason to drink.

What I'm going to tell you now may be shocking, because it is considered heresy. We disagree with those psychologists who say that alcoholism is a symptom of an underlying psychological problem, and when that problem is resolved, the person will have no need to drink alcoholically, but may become a safe, social drinker. In most cases, therapy can go on indefinitely without results, because while the patient is waiting for the underlying problem to be resolved, he continues to drink, and nothing is ever accomplished with a dysfunctional brain. We dispute the premise that alcoholism or drug addiction is a symptom, and we say it is a primary disease.

Yes, I believe that alcoholism is in fact a symptom. It is a symptom of the absence of spirituality, and the treatment is the development of spirituality.

I must repeat what you've heard me say before, and that is my definition of spirituality. As you know, I have pointed out that spirituality can stand independent of religion.

The human being is a composite creature, comprised of a body plus "something else." The human body is essentially an animal body, with all the characteristics and urges of animals. What makes us distinct and unique are a number of features and traits that humans have which animals do not have. In addition to greater intelligence, some of the more obvious ones are (1) the ability to learn from the history of past generations, (2) the ability to search for truth, (3) the ability to reflect on the purpose and goals of life, (4) the ability to have a self-awareness, (5) the ability to volitionally improve oneself, (6) the ability to have perspective, to contemplate the future and to think about future consequences of one's actions, (7) the ability to be considerate of others and to be sensitive to their needs, (8) the ability to sacrifice one's comfort and possessions for the welfare of others, (9) the ability to empathize; (10) the ability to make moral and ethical choices in defiance of strong bodily drives and urges, (11) the ability to forgive, (12) the ability to aspire, and (13) the ability to delay gratification.

Science defines man as homo sapiens, which in simple English means, "a baboon with intellect." There is no denying that intelligence as important, but it is certainly not the defining feature of humanity. A person can hold multiple degrees and be very intelligent, yet his behavior may be not only animal in nature, but even below the animal level. What makes man unique and defines him as man is the implementation of all the distinctive features that he has which animals lack.

The sum total of all the uniquely human features is what 1 call the human spirit, and it is this spirit that defines man. Without this spirit, a person is just another member of the animal kingdom, albeit a more intelligent animal.

The spirit, then, is comprised of all these unique abilities, but that is what they are, "abilities." If a person implements these abilities he is exercising the spirit, and that makes him spiritual.

What, then, is spirituality? It is being the finest human being one can be.

You will note that I have made no mention of religion. True religion must have spirituality, because otherwise it is merely superficial ritual. However, it is possible for a person to be spiritual even if one is not religiously oriented.

Perhaps it can all be summed up very simply. The nature of all animals is that they are totally self-centered, except for pet dogs who may adopt human traits. Animals do nothing unless it is in some way self-gratifying. The features that comprise spirituality remove a person's self-centeredness. A person who is totally self-centered may look human, but he is merely a homo sapiens, an intellectual animal.

I was fortunate in being introduced to the 12-step program without having paid the admission fee of drinking. Here's how it came about:

I had a patient who, from the age of 20 until 57 was a severe alcoholic. I documented that she had at least 84 detoxes in those 37 years. At each detox, she would be taken to an AA meeting, but promptly relapsed. At age 57, she prevailed on an attorney to have her committed to a state mental hospital under the Inebriate Act, and after a year of enforced abstinence, promptly went to an AA meeting on discharge from the hospital. I wrote about her at length in my book "From Pulpit to Couch."

In my psychiatric training, I learned nothing about alcoholism, and I asked Isabel how she managed to stay sober. "I go to AA meetings," she said. "Who does the treatment there?" 1 asked. "We have discussions and speakers," she said. "Are there psychologists there?" I asked. Isabel said, "There is one psychologist who comes around, but he's still drunk most of the time."

I said, "Look, Isabel, I want to know what goes on at these meetings that keeps you sober. Can you take me to an AA meeting?" "Sure," she said.

At my very first meeting, it became clear to me that this program was far more than just not drinking. All the 12 steps were things that were unique to humans. No animal can become aware that it has no control over its life. No animal can surrender its will and turn its life over to the will of a Higher Power. No animal can do a moral inventory, admit its mistakes to someone else, seek to correct its character defects, and make amends to those it has harmed. And no animal can go out of its way to help others. Because these steps are all uniquely human, they comprise the spirit, and if one lives according to these steps, one becomes spiritual. Inasmuch as I was in pursuit of spirituality, I knew that a 12-step program was for me. I went to my first AA meeting in 1961, and have continued to go to meetings for 45 years. It's just that I've added NA, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and GA.

You might say, "But, you are a rabbi. Certainly you learned about proper human behavior in your religious studies. Why did you need the 12-step program to help you with your spirituality?"

I'll tell you why. When we study principles of spirituality in religion, we recognize their importance. However, we do not have a gut feeling that if we deviate from these principles, we die. Even if improper acts are sinful, they are not lethal. But in the 12-step programs, a person who is sincere in recovery knows at a gut level that if he deviates from these steps he is dead. Dead, D-E-A-D. Bill Wilson said it simply: "Without spirituality, we die." The 12-step program is our oxygen. That's the feeling about spirituality that I got from the program.

Marty L. was right. Recovery with AA changes a person. It enables one to identify character defects and to improve upon them. When patients ask me how long they have to attend AA, I say, "Only as long as you have character defects. When you no longer have any character defects, you can stop going to meetings. But then you won't have to stop, because you'll be dead." As long as a person is alive, one has character defects. The only being that does not have any character defects is God. Isn't it strange, though, that He still shows up at all meetings!

AA has helped me enormously with my character defects. They're not as bad as they were 45 years ago, before AA, but they're there. And they have to be there, because don't forget, a major part of me is an animal body that still produces all the drives and urges that an animal has, and I still must struggle to keep them under control My animal self is self-centered, which results in character defects unless I maintain tight control over them.

In the beautiful biblical story of creation, God creates everything in the universe. Then at one point, God says, "Let us make man." That's a bit strange. Whose participation was God seeking? And why does God enlist someone's participation only at this point? He had no problem creating the oceans, the mountains, thc millions of species of living things and the super-galaxies by Himself. What makes the creation of man different?

All living things were created in a state of completion. Little bears become big bears and little alligators become big alligators. No animal has to transform itself into something other than what it was created. Even caterpillars that turn into butterflies do not volitionally transform themselves. The change is programmed in their genes and they have no say about it.

Man is different. Man comes into the world essentially as an animal body, but with the potential of developing himself into something more than an animal, a spiritual being that can function with more than just self-gratification. After creating all the animals in a state of completion, and all the spiritual angels in a state of completion, God wished to create a being that works toward its own perfection. So God took this lump of earth and fashioned it into a human form and said to it, "Look here. 1 can create you as a completely spiritual being, but if I do that, you'll be an angel. I already have all the angels I want. So I am going to create you with the potential to become spiritual by means of your own effort, and then you will become man." That's why God said, "Let us make man." Man must participate in his own creation as man by becoming spiritual. If be fails to do so, he remains just another animal.

You don't have to be alcoholic or drug addicted to be just an animal. One who hasn't developed the unique features of the spirit is an intelligent animal, and a person may live 90 years as an animal and not know it. Actually, alcoholics and drug addicts are fortunate, because when they hit rock bottom they become aware that they must become spiritual if they want to live.

So, I can envision what may happen if they develop a drug to treat alcoholism. People will feel that they have no need for AA, because they're not drinking. But they will still have the self-centeredness, lack of consideration, dishonesty, manipulativeness, finding fault with others, and all the behavioral traits typical in the active alcoholic and addict. Rather than decrease, the divorce rate will soar, and kids exposed to dry-drunk parents will suffer from poor parenting. There will not be a rock-bottom experience to bring people to the awareness that their lifestyle is destructive.

Some people in recovery say, "I'm grateful to be a recovering alcoholic," by which they mean that they are grateful for their recovery. But if one understands all the above, one can realize that just being an alcoholic is something for which one should be grateful.

First published on October 25, 2006 at 12:00 am ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2512-why-twelve-step-program-recovery.html What does IOP stand for? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2498-what-does-iop-stand.html Wed, 26 Aug 2009 08:06:22 GMT What does IOP stand for? I thought that it stood for Intensive Outpatient Therapy. Intensive: 3 hours Outpatient: get to go home afterward Therapy: specially trained individuals to help me to... What does IOP stand for?
I thought that it stood for Intensive Outpatient Therapy.
Intensive: 3 hours
Outpatient: get to go home afterward
Therapy: specially trained individuals to help me to understand the disease of addiction
Although I've only attended two sessions, that has not been my experience at all.

In fact, tonight's IOP was a disaster for me. After repeating yesterday's experience of sitting in a circle for an hour with the counselor engaging in intermittent talk about the evolution of soda machines, a local grocery store chain buy-out, the new arrest of a past member, and yesterday's leaking air conditioner again, we were told, "Oh get out of here and take an extra long break."

During a twenty-minute break, three newcomers (of which I was one) stood together and discussed how what we were getting was nothing like what we had expected.

I was so frustrasted during the first hour that, several times, I had debated speaking up and asking, "Exactly how is the discussion of soda machines going to help me stay clean and sober?" I also considered speaking in a much less confrontational manner. However, I believe that if the counselor really had any intention of making this a therapy group (which because he is the counselor, he would need to lead), he would. Obviously, that is not his intention.

Actually, all three of us voluntary, non-court mandated individuals, felt as though we were being babysat. When we got back inside, he watched a 20-minute video, which was rather good. It brought up some points that I would like to talk about in group. When it came my turn to sign-in and say what I though about the video, I indicated that I wished that we could have watched the movie at the beginning of the session because then there would have been time to share about it, especially because there were parts that I could relate very well to.

But, I was told by the counselor that that's not how he runs things. Still, I braved saying that I felt as though the group didn't have much time to speak about things (please note that at this point in the meeting, it was 6:20 and, at the beginning of the lesson, we had been told that we would be leaving for the alumni speaker meeting at 6:30).

"The speaker meeting is not etched in stone," the counselor replied. Of course, I'm a newcomer, I didn't know that. Then again, this is GROUP therapy, the group's plan shouldn't be abruptly changed just for me (unless someone were in crisis mode. But, talking about my addiction issues in relation to a video that I just saw is not a crisis).

The counselor assured me that the group was there for me and that they wanted to help me. He asked me about what I felt that I needed to share. Talk about being put on the spot! But, I knew that I wasn't alone in how I felt. I had just spoken to two guys who said that they were getting absolutely nothingou it.

Feeling as though I was dubious center of attention, I mentioned that I'm in IOP because I need to work on whatever I need to do to make sure that I don't relapse when I come off the Suboxone. I was advised not to worry about coming off the Suboxone. Just take the Suboxone, take it one day at a time, go to meetings, and don't pick up.

Is this ALL that I need? But, I'm already doing it. Why am I in IOP?

I explained that I want to work on some things in my life because my life is a mess. "Everyone's life is a mess," I was told. Then, the counselor told me to stop worry about things. I shouldn't be worrying about anything other than going to meetings and staying clean. Don't worry about paying bills, any responsibilities... He didn't even seem to know that I'm working and that I have a house and a family. But, how could he knw? He's never asked me anything about myself.

I'm not quite sure what I said next. Pehaps it was something about struggling and my recent relapses. I really don't recall. The counelor's response stung me so bad. He became a bit condescending and said that recovery is not just going to fall into my lap and that I'm wrong if that's what I think is going to happen. I've got to work on getting some faith for myself. But then, he said, maybe I need to go back out and get beaten down a little more. He mentioned how he used to be angry at people who seemed to get better without having hit a low bottm. Then he spoke about how he had to be beaten down for fifteen years because he was able to stay sober. Of course, I might not make it back. But if I get beaten down enough...

Finally, he apologized if he came across harsh, saying that he didn't want me to think that hes a "a pr!ck." (As far as I'm concerned, the apology was too little, too late!) I'm sure that my tail was visible between my legs as I left the room because two people asked me if I was okay. I lied. and I was still crying two hours later and then again at 2am.

I waited to cry until I got into my car because. I couldn't let myself cry at the facility. I didn't feel safe to cry there. I don't think that I'll ever feel safe to cry in that room or with that man.
My husband asked me what was wrong when I came home and I continued to sob for the next fifteen minutes. I feel as though, emotionally, I'm back in week one of recovery when I would beg God to make things different. I'm trying and it isn't working.

I feel very lost and confused, quite angry and disappointed. All I can think is if these first two days of IOP have been meant as a test to see how much I can take before wanting to use it's been successful. I certainly wanted to use. But, I haven't. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2498-what-does-iop-stand.html Has anyone seen my resolve to get clean? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2354-has-anyone-seen-my-resolve-get-clean.html Sun, 19 Jul 2009 13:25:42 GMT It's been a while since I've blogged. I'm not at a really good place right now, even though I've decided to try to have a clean day today (so far I've been successful, but I've only been awake for a couple of hours).

I seem to have misplaced my desire to get clean. I had it a few weeks ago, when I gave my husband my remaining pills because using had become more than an option. It had become a given. It was a Friday and I knew that I was going to receive the phone call that would refuse me IOP. I also knew that I would use it as an excuse to use for yet another day. In a moment of sanity, I handed the pills to my husband.

But now, I'm back with pills in my posession. My moment of sanity turned into four days of mild withdrawal and then eight day of ever increasing insanity. The obsession drives me crazy. It got so bad that I was hurting myself in order to feel something that would command more of my attention than the unrelenting obsession and the sense of terror and hopelessness at NEVER being able to use again (which is exactly where my mind takes me). It sounds all so stupid as I type it now. But, when I'm going through it, it feels as though it's a matter of life and death.

I think that my desire to quit has been overshadowed by my fear of the mental anguish that it entails. Even the fear that I will eventually become physically dependent again isn't enough to deter me.

I've already started with subtle obsessions this morning, thinking about giving in because I anticipate how crazy I will eventually feel. I can't even get high anymore. I took 90mg yesterday, which had little if any effect. It's little more than throwing the oxys into a garbage pail.

I'm trying to use that as a deterrent to giving in. Why fail and use? It's not as though there's any enjoyment in it. Still, my head tells me that eventually, I'll feel crazy again.

For right this moment, I'm not going to use. In the meantime, maybe I can find where I've placed my resolve to get clean. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2354-has-anyone-seen-my-resolve-get-clean.html Be Careful of the Company you keep... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2220-careful-company-you-keep.html Wed, 10 Jun 2009 23:10:20 GMT That was one of my mother's warnings. She also phrased it as: "You'll become like those you hang out with." My mother was right (as mothers often times are). My problem, though, is that the bad company that influences me is... well, it's me and me can't seem to figure out how to stay stopped.

I'm so discouraged that I hardly have the will to write about it. No major crisis struck. No sudden windfall of expendable cash or onslaught of scripts. It was simply the constant, every day, nagging obsession that became so overwhelming I couldn't resist any longer.

Why had I held out even that long? Didn't I know from the previous week that if I resisted yet another day, the obsession would be waiting for me in the morning and if the past had been proving itself to be laying a foundation for the future, the obsession would not only be there, it would be even harder to bear.

As I sat at my father's dining room table, I couldn't escape my thoughts. I couldn't sit still. I felt as though I had to find some peace, any kind of peace (even chemical) or else I would have some type of breakdown. My stomach was sick. My head hurt. I found it difficult to breathe at times. I tried to move around, to keep busy in the midst of what I was doing (playing board games with my father and my family). I got up between turns and washed dishes. I walked back and forth and prayed. It didn't help. Nothing was helping, absolutely nothing was giving me any relief!

I looked for Tylenol for my headache and I stumbled on a bottle of hydros. I can't say that I wasn't hoping beyond hope that I would find some in the cupboard, though I was sincerely certain that there weren't any. Once I had the hydros, it wasn't the least bit difficult to help myself to the oxys. I knew right where to find them. I had been avoiding them.

I wish that I had found another way. Even more, I wish that I could believe that, when it happens next time, I will be able to find another way. I'm not hopeful. Actually, I'm discouraged. I feel like a complete failure. Although I don't plan on returning to active addiction or to scamming oxys on a regular basis, I fear that is only because I'm denying that the obsession is merely several hours or maybe several days from an empty pill bottle. :(

Yes... be careful of the company you keep.

Update: One is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Of course the several hydros and the dozen or so oxys were gone rather soon. Feigning pain, I requested the remaining hydros (which my father doesn't take) and he gave me his oxys as well. Every other day, I tried to quit. Finally getting to the point where I was taking 100+ mg and then 200mg for a couple days.

I've given the pills to my husband. I know that this has to stop. Today is three days clean. I won't venture to say what tomorrow will bring. But, there's a better chance that it will be clean since I'm not in possession of the pills. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2220-careful-company-you-keep.html <![CDATA[My Experience with Tapering Suboxone & My Quasi Journal - Part Two]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2167-my-experience-tapering-suboxone-my-quasi-journal-part-two.html Thu, 14 May 2009 14:16:25 GMT I didn't realize that each entry had a maximum. So, here goes part two.

(5/12) Thursday 10mg
I got a rude awakening on Thursday (it's Saturday and I'm updating). The new doctor won't take me unless I toss my oxys. I don't see that happening. He's given me appointment next week. I'm to meditate on it during the week.

I nearly lost it afterward. I just cannot handle the emotional roller coaster any longer. I have to come to terms with why I refuse to toss my supply. I am 100% convinced that it is merely a security net if I find that recovery isn't something that is going to work for me. I'm doing everything that I can thinkto do to become convinced that this will all work out. But, this most recent confrontation has made me take a look back. Has everything been so extremely difficult and seemingly complicated because I'm not done?? Am I fooling myself first of all? Is that why the cravings and the depression and the anxiety are still so horrible??
I was disgusted and took 6mg early evening (having already taken 4mg in the morning). I'm not sure why I'm trying if it isn't going to work. I figured that I might as well not deal with any cravings. It worked. 10mg did the trick for the day.

(5/13) Friday (0mg Suboxone)
No Sub, no feelings. I'm just not going to decide anything today.
My stomach was bothering me and I was starting to sweat by bedtime (I haven't sweat the past two weeks). I was certain that I would wake up in pretty good w/d.

(5/14) Saturday (Omg)
Woke up feeling well. It's almost 3pm and I have minor sniffles, joint pain (the beloved back pain), and minor stomach distress. And a sense of freedom from the Sub and from cravings if I'm very diligent in where my brain may want to take me.

I don't know why I'm doing this... I know I can't jump right now. I know that I'll be able to revert to my oxys if I want, but don't know if I'll want to. It's as though I'm refusing to face anything. I don't want to move from this spot... no cravings, no taking any drug. It's a momentary fantasy, I guess, but a break that my brain is so glad to be having. I just couldn't take anymore mental anguish over this.

The only time that I have hurt and cried is when my sponsor contacts me. Although I push the pain away, I wish to hold onto it too and have her hold me there until the pain gets me all the way through this. But, that's not what happens.

I'm not going to face anything until I have to.

I might hold out until I'm puking before I take anything, I don't know. I guess that will depend upon what's happening and what I need to do.

I'm so screwed up right now. But, I'm so detached, too, that I can keep myself from experiencing any emotion.

(5/12) Sunday 0mg

It's 6pm. I've gone through periods of yawning, and sniffling, stomach distress, back pain is pretty constant and is now just starting to get worse with slight sweats. I'm feel remarkably well, considering. I've craved a few times, pretty intense, like when w/d from oxys. I nearly caved once. Sat with my phone, contemplated calling my sponsor, realized I still have some emotions but the craving passed.

I'm wondering if maybe I'll get off easy with the Sub. It surprises me because the tapers sucked.

I still don't know what to do. I feel very confused right now. If I can just keep going, minute by minute, as I am, where I don't have to take anything. I think that I'll be okay. What I can't do is make any decision. If it comes down to getting sick, I don't know how I'll handle it. I can't get sick right now. Damn! I sit here and think... I can't be sick next weekend either - Memorial Day weekend. See, I need to get out of this without being too sick to work.

Maybe that will happen. I swear that my pupils were more dilated yesterday. Though the yawning, sniffling, and pains are more.

The thought of taking Sub messes with my head so much. The new doctor won't take me if I don't toss my oxys. I'm still not ready to do that. So, if I take the Sub, where does that leave me? Right back to where I was Thursday, old doctor and wondering if I'm just standing in the way of my recovery because I'm trying something when I'm not ready. That would suck! I really don't know if I can go back to feeling like that. I don't know if I can stand any more emotional pain and if I take the Sub, I have to ask myself: What will have changed????

I'm still psychologically numb. It seems that only the cravings can break through it and the temptation is not to get numb but to get high.

(5/13) Monday 0mg

Back-blogging and don't recall much other than I worked.

(5/14) Tuesday 80mg oxys

By Tuesday afternoon, I was so depressed that I decided that I would get rid of my stockpile in the one way that I knew I wouldn't argue with myself about. I would take what I have and then quit. An excuse to use? In some way, I'm sure that it was. It didn't seem so at the time. I was just so trapped and depressed. It was the only way that I could find out. So ended my stint on Suboxone.

(5/15) Wednesday - Wednesday (5/27)

89 (5mg) hydros , 97 (5mg) oxys ended my active addiction.

(5/28) Thursday Clean Date!!!
My detox can be followed on my thread:
:( "I woke up in withdrawal this morning"

***END***
Hopefully all future blog entries will be marking clean time!


**Note: The the dozing and "talking/dreaming" delusional phenomenon USUALLY* happens on the third day of tapering (not so after more experience). Today, it has been very subtle, yet noticeable enough that one time, directly after becoming alert, I realized that the voice that I was hearing spoke incomprehensible words in a male, metalic (or mechanical) tone.

*(Yesterday, right after the fatigue hit and I dozed at work, I had an episode in which I heard something about needing to relapse five times before getting clean. I have NO IDEA where THAT came from!)

I don't typically hear voices, etc. at any other time and never heard them when taking 12-14mg of Sub. I don't understand the phenomenon. I'm only mentioning it because it happens. (And if I weren't the one typing this, I'd be thinking that the men with white jackets should be paying me a visit, just as I assume you are.) ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2167-my-experience-tapering-suboxone-my-quasi-journal-part-two.html Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2153-yesterday-today-tomorrow.html Mon, 11 May 2009 02:19:27 GMT April showers bring May flowers... I've always looked forward to the time of year when I would recite that line. I love the outdoors and the summer. Living in the Northeast, the favorable weather is much too brief. Finally, the days are lengthening and it's daylight, even though it's 8pm. I should be happy, but I'm not.

Instead, I find myself crushed by despair, wishing that it were darkness -- a darkness that would allow me to remove myself from the activities of the day, a darkness where the tears of the day could flow and I wouldn't have to worry about stopping them, a darkness that would end this difficult day. But, in ending it, there seems to be no hope because the almost-certain tomorrow threatens to arrive and to bring with it all the pains and challenges of a new day.

It's yesterday that I want back. I want what I thought that I had before the drugs. But, it's impossible to go back, to retrieve what I think that I had. Yet, it's equally impossible for me to let go of what I think I had, even if it is mainly an illusion and only bits and pieces of it were true. Even for just those bits, I can't let go.

In order to hold onto the "me" known by everyone as one who is responsible, dependable, the example of good examples, I cannot adknowledge myself to be the addict that seems to have been foisted upon me. If given the choice, I wouldn't want to know her, let alone be her.

It's now one day shy of two weeks since I posted the above paragraphs and, therefore, I guess that I can honestly say that this moment is tomorrow. Thirteen days ago, I never would have suspected what tomorrow would bring. Yet, here it is.

I'm setting myself up to take a fall. I can think of no other way to do what needs to be done. I'm too stubborn, too willfull, too unwilling to accept. As I see it, I can continue to try to hold onto yesterday or I can do something else, force myself to do something else.

Nine days ago, I came to a crossroads. To a large extent, I've been miserable on Suboxone. I still had cravings and anxiety. I still felt addicted and I acted like an addict, stockpiling pills. Unable to speak about these matters to a doctor who didn't allow ample time for office visits, I found another doctor. The new doctor refused to accept me as a patient unless I got rid of my supply, my "safety net" which I insisted that I needed in case the treatment plan didn't work.

It's only fair to mention that I didn't start Suboxone for the reasons that many do who, having long-term opiate habits, have had repeated failed attempts at getting clean. I had a brief stint on Suboxone but wasn't sure if I had enough desire to quit. I feared failure. A secondary reason was that I was concerned that the stress of c/t withdrawal might trigger a medical condition that has potentially life-threatening consequences (HAE).

My initial response was to fill myself with as much Suboxone as possible without feeling as though I was abusing it. I increased my dose to 10mg (instead of 6mg), the last dose at which I thought the cravings might have been kept at bay. It was a nonsensical reaction to my situation. It was the last reaction or action that I would have for a while. Forced to confront the situation and to make a decision about the oxys, I froze. I wanted with all my heart to be done, but couldn't deny the fact that my inability to throw away the pills could indicate something different. I refused to allow myslelf to think or to feel. So, I did nothing for four days.

I would give almost anything not to have the perfect forgetter that seems to be occupy the heads of many addicts. If not for the emails to my sponsor and the blog entries that I have posted on SR, I may be chucking the plan that my relapse of four days ago set into motion and I would be scheduling a return to the Suboxone, which I've sworn off.

So, here's my plan:
What's standing in the way of recovery?

A stash of oxys and hydros that I can't bring myself to get rid of. (Still not sure if Ultram counts.) Being unable to accept that I'm an addict, which keeps me secretive.

These are the two things that I see keeping me from moving forward.

So, how do I rectify the first problem? How would I be able to bring myself to get rid of my pills? Answer: I'll simply swallow them. I'm great at denial when it comes to taking my DOC. I've proven that I can ingest pill after pill, regardless of the consequences (such as running out). Once the pills are gone, they're gone. If I become an emotional train wreck without them (which I can see happening), I will have no way to hide what is happening because I'll have no way to numb.

So, whether or not I like it at that point, I'll be put in the position where I will need to confess to my family that I'm an addict. I know that it'll be a terrible way to break the news to them. I will need to make my amends to them afterward. Getting "caught" is the only way that I will be able to tell them. I don't know how else to convince myself to reveal the secret. I've gone around and around about this. I have found no other solution. I simply have to force the situation. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2153-yesterday-today-tomorrow.html <![CDATA[Hi, my name is christin and i'm an addict...]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2129-hi-my-name-christin-im-addict.html Sat, 02 May 2009 17:28:34 GMT ...and this is my story.

I came to SR back in November. If you read my first post, you'll see that I hadn't started taking pills yet. Looking back on the post, now, I see what my sponsor saw when she read it and told me that, even before I picked up, I was an addict. I had never been physically dependent on anything and had even gone nearly twenty years without picking up so much as a beer. Then, something snapped near the end of November 2008. I don't know how to describe it other than to say that something snapped.

I started to have, what I think were, panic attacks. I couldn't conceive of the idea of going to my doctor or to a counselor. I was so ashamed that something like that was wrong with me. I knew that if only I could numb things, it would be better. I learned from an intake counselor for an IOP program that my past experience using opioids for legimitate physical pain (though it was seldom) had set my "addict brain" up to correlate opioids with pain relief... including emotional pain. It makes as much sense to me as any other explanation for why I would ask my father for some of his unused hydrocodone (faking my well-known neck ailment).

It worked. It worked so well that it not only took away the anxiety but it seemed to fix everything inside of me. For the first time, I felt like I fit in the world. I wasn't fighting it or fighting to be part of it. I could look in the mirror and what I saw looking back at me was acceptable. I hear claims of getting energy from opioids. I've always been extremely energetic. What they did for me was to slow my thinking down so that I felt like I was living in the present moment. My brain wasn't three steps ahead of me, planning what I would be doing next.

What I didn't see in the beginning was all the things that the pills would take from me, things that, later, my sponsor would have me list as part of the unmanageability of my life. I posted on SR, telling folks that I had taken the pills and how they had stabilized everything. I was so certain that I would take them for a few days (after all, I only had enough pills for a few days) because everything would get back to normal and I wouldn't need them anymore. I was warned that my actions were dangerous. But, I couldn't see it. I had no doubt that people who had problems with drugs wouldn't be able to take an opioid for anxiety, but I could take them. I wasn't an addict. Funny, that's exactly how I titled my first post, "A non-addict who needs help". Sugah replied to one of my early posts and explained the difference between physical dependence and addiction. Her explanation made sense. But, I couldn't see in me what everyone else saw. Then, once I started to see that there might be a problem, I couldn't stop.

Of course I wasn't instantly dependent on the pills. But, I was instantly addicted. So, when my supply ran out and I still needed a little more time for my head to straighten out, I did the unthinkable. I stole some pills from my father. I lost my soul the night that I did that. In fact, I came home and posted on SR. It was the blackest place that I had ever experienced. I think that it's beneficial to copy the post here. If I ever wonder if I would do anything to get my DOC, all I need is to think back on this time.

* * * * *

I don’t know what to post. I want to post everything and I want to post nothing. I don’t want anyone to know but then I want someone to know so that I’m not the only who does know.

And I want someone to care. Care about what? I don’t know, just care.

I laughed tonight. I laughed hard and had a great time with my father and my husband and one of my sons. Sounds good? It felt good and I felt like me but that was only because I gave in before leaving work and sucked down some of the expired hydrocodone syrup that I was so relieved to find in the back of the medicine cabinet yesterday. I wasn’t enjoying myself because I was high. I wasn’t the least bit high, any mild rushes were long over. I was just having a good time. But, I also felt terribly bad. I felt horrible because I was doing all this with three pills that I stole from my dad’s med bottle in my pocket. STOLE. I stole them from my father! He gave me a handful in the beginning of the week (which I LIED to get). As he dumped them from the bottle, I protested, “You don’t need to give me that many.” When inside I was saying, “Please, just give me the whole bottle.” I’m ashamed. I’m even more ashamed to admit that, although I regret it, it’s mainly because I’m afraid of him realizing that I stole from him.

Yesterday, I thought that things were getting better. I woke up and the first thought in my head was something other than how I’m going to find a way to get more hydrocodone. I can’t remember exactly what the thought was, but I was glad to have it. I took nothing before work (I work afternoons) unlike the day before. Then, I’m talking with a coworker who is on Vicodin for a back problem. She was definitely feeling her meds and I couldn’t stay near her. She was making me crazy. I returned to my desk and finished off my last three hydro.

This morning, I spent ALL MORNING trying to find a way to order something online without getting my butt landed in jail or getting scammed because the Attorney General’s office isn’t going to be an option if I get ripped off. I don’t have money for this stuff! I know it. But, there’s something about looking that appeases me, gives me a morbid kind of a hope. I just want enough until the obsessive thoughts stop and the craving is gone. My stomach gets so tied up in knots that I want to puke and just hide in a dark place.

That’s why I took the pills from my dad tonight. I have to spend the entire day with my husband tomorrow. I have every intention of not taking anything (just as I had hoped for today, and yesterday, the day before and the day before that). Maybe I haven't been successful because I have the stuff with me. I don't know but I can't risk it. I can’t be crawling out of my skin around my husband. The pills are my insurance. I’m hoping and praying that I won’t take them and then I can sneak them back into the bottle this weekend.

When I was walking tonight, I decided that if, after spending the whole day distracted with Christmas shopping I have to take the pills because I’m feeling too desperate not to, I’ll look into going to a meeting. (If I do, no one would have to know why was there, would they? God help me for asking this but I can let them think that its for my kids. At least in the beginning?) Although I say that I've decided, it’s not the kind of decided that I used to mean. My commitment seems rather easily swayed lately.

But something has to give. I have enough syrup for a few days and that’s it. New stuff isn’t going to just keep “appearing.” Medicine cabinets are only so deep.

* * * * *

It's hard to read this and imagine that my first post had only been ten days before and that the first pills had been swallowed only five days before. Everything was spiraling downward incredibly fast. Still, I didn't think that I was an addict. My denial was strong, even when my research for online hydros brought me to a website where people were sharing about how not to build a tolerance in order to continue to enjoy the high of opioids and my jaw dropped in response to reading about people going weeks and months between using in order to stave tolerance. It seemed inconceivable. I thought to myself, "You mean that you don't miss it every day?" But, as I said, I didn't believe that I was an addict.

Looking back at that I time, I now know that I was already building a dependence. I was experiencing physical craving, even though I didn't know it. Again, looking back on my SR posts, things seem so clear. Someone had commented that my experience sounded very much like a physical addiction. But, I ingored it, convinced that it would take at least a year to become dependent. I didn't worry much. I was sure that it would never take that long for my head to get back to normal. At some point, though, I began not to care if I became addicted, just as long as I didn't have to give up feeling the way that I felt.

Finding that it wasn't so easy to purchase hydros online, I continued to steal from my father. I faked neck pain and had scripts written for me. My father developed Multiple Myeloma and was prescribed oxycodone. That became my DOC, not so much because I wanted a better high (I wasn't using primarily to get high but because it was readily available, and it was pure oxycodone, nothing in it to compromise my liver. Of course, I needed fewer because they were stronger. I didn't need fewer for long, though. It was quickly becoming apparent that I was an opioid sponge.

I didn't understand obsession and compulsion, even though I was living them. When I picked up one of my dad's scripts (5mg oxycodone #360), I would start my day with the typical 15mg, then 20, 25, 30... but as the day would progress, I would find myself popping pill after pill, not knowing why, just popping them for the numb, never stopping until I felt that I was "finished". I still don't know what determined that point. There would just come a time when I would feel done and I would stop for the day, unless something was upsetting or for whatever other reason, I decided that I wanted to get high.

Eventually, I started snorting. I don't know why the desire struck me. It was more than just wanting to avoid the occasional stomach upset. Then, I discovered crushing them (I didn't like chewing because they stuck in my teeth). I mixed the powder with my favorite juice (though grapefruit juice was best). I like the the way that they hit when taken that way. I never realized until after I quit, how much I was enjoying and was addicted to the subtle rush. Although I seldom took the pills to get high inentionally, had I been shown how to shoot oxys, I don't think that I could have resisted.

In a matter of a little over two months, I went from never taking an opioid, other than when and as prescribed, to taking 110-130mg a day. My addictions doctor later would tell me that I developed a two-year habit in two months. None of it made sense, until the progressive nature of addiction was explained to me. If I were to look back on my life, to the period when I was drinking regularly, my drinking suggested alcoholic drinking (though I have not labeled myself an alcoholic. Accepting that I'm an addict is difficult enough right now). For as long as I can remember, I have shamefully hidden a desire to escape myself and to numb the pain of being me with a needle, somehow knowing that relief would be afforded me and that it would bring to an end an unspecified struggle in me.

Up until November of 2008, I had led a life of responsibility and of dependability. Just shy of forty-six years old, I was married, had three boys (20, 18, and almost 16), and I attended church every Sunday. I always tried to live an exemplary life. I was never a "do as I say, not as I do" type of parent (other than for my smoking, which I quit seven years ago). I always felt that if something wasn't morally good for my children to do, it wasn't good for me either. I was always aware that my example was my primary method of teaching. I never would have imagined that I would become someone whom I would not know.

Around Christmas time, I couldn't deny what was happening in my life anymore. What kind of person lies to doctors to get prescriptions or steals her father's medicine? What kind of person holds onto someone else's prescription and conjures up ways to keep it, such as staging a break in to her car or returning the medicine to her father and staging a break in to his house? What kind of a person would do such things??? I couldn't come up with any other answer than to admit that the kind of person willing to do such things is termed an addict. So, I started attending NA meetings as had been suggested by people on SR.

Although I attended meetings, I continued to use. In February, I had to face a serious situation. My use had skyrocketed. Although I was finally able to obtain a script of #360 for myself (I had obtained a script for my dad when he didn't need one), I did the math and realized that what had seemed like a near endless supply in December would last me only a couple weeks if my use didn't continue to increase. When I had picked up my dad's first bottle of #360, I had thought, "If I could get a bottle like that, I would be set for a long time." I was facing a crisis. I suddenly realized that the amount that I needed was escalating so fast that the only way that I was going to be able to keep up was to buy on the street. I tried to taper the oxys in order to make them last, but couldn't. Even knowing that I would run out, never kept me from taking more than I had. I looked again at the internet options. They were all too risky.

But, I had to do something. I was getting sicker more often. I was becoming less dependable and my father needed me. I recently had been dope sick when I took him to his cancer doctor. He felt so bad for dragging me out. I felt so guilty for him having compassion on me. I was sick because I was taking my dad to the doctor who prescribed the oxycodone. I had misjudged how much I needed to get through the morning because I didn't want to appear to be under the influence in the doctor's office.

The story of why I ended up on the Suboxone, why I even considered a treatment that would keep me addicted to an opioid for again as long as I had been using, is a little complicated. The fact that my family doesn't know about my addiction keeps my father's meds within my reach. I experience horrific anxiety and cravings when in withdrawal. I had doubts that I could quit c/t without caving and taking his pills. Also, I have a disorder of the immune system. It's a complement system deficiency which is triggered by stress. One of the symptoms, laryngeal swelling, is life threatening, as you can imagine. When I was considering the possibility of traveling out of state to my sponsor's house to detox, I posted on an HAE forum and received a response from someone who had been dependent on his pain meds and had to taper very slowly because even the mildest of withdrawal symptoms set off his HAE. I finally resigned myself to going on Suboxone because in addition to the drawbacks of quitting c/t, I knew that I needed time to get my head straight. Even though I knew that I needed to quit and, even though, a part of (maybe even most of me) wanted to quit, I'm still very much addicted. (At one point, I even feared that I was becoming addicted to the Suboxone. However, unlike with the oxys, I've been able to taper.)

As of this blog entry, I'm working on the steps with an online sponsor. I'm struggling with the second and third steps. She is concerned that the Suboxone might be a hinderance, especially to the spiritual component of the program. She has another sponsee who recently quit Methadone and who has confirmed how much clearer she is now that she's not on replacements.

I want to quit the Suboxone and I pray that that I have what I need to quit. My sponsor has indicated that addiction still has a strong hold on me. I won't argue that fact. I have not been able to dispose of the oxys and hydros that I had remaining when I started the Sub program. From the beginning of the program, I have been waiting for my head to get totally with the program so that I would come to a point where I could get rid of the pills. That hasn't happened. I've gone from IOP (which due to the counselor was a waste of time) to a one-on-one counselor. I've only had three sessions with my counselor so far. Therapy takes a long time, I guess. At the moment we're exploring forty-six years of shame, which might be the key to why I'm unable to accept being an addict. In the meantime, though, I continue to stockpile.

I have absolutely no intention of relapsing, though my doctor will argue that I'm keeping the pills because I want to get high. But, he doesn't listen to his patients. He gives them ten-minute appointments. I don't keep the pills because I want to get high (though, I'll admit that there are still times when I do, very much). I keep them because I'm terrified to get rid of them. If recovery doesn't work for me, I can't go right to that souless place of stealing and lying to get what I need.

But, I can't relapse! I have a sponsor who sticks by me when she probably shouldn't. I can't make her feel gullible or feel as though she should be like those who would tell those like me to go back out and finish. I would rather die than do that to her. Keeping my pills and stockpiling simply makes me feel safe.

I'm careful about what I post on the boards of SR. Unfortunately, I've gotten myself into the position where I feel that I need to live up to a certain perception of me. I never wanted that to happen. I really don't need another situation in my life where I mask who I really am. Therefore, I'm starting to share more of my recent struggles. But, I don't think that anyone knows exactly how messed up I still am.

I'll never post about stockpiling but in my blog because the intent of the active threads is to look for advice. There's only one piece of advice for what I'm doing. My sponsor enourages me over and over again. Perhaps if a gun were to be put to my head, something would terrify me more than the thought of getting rid of my pills. I can't dwell on it because to dwell on things such as this merely throws me into a depression and I'll cry for days at any mention of my addiction. If I face the hard, cold facts of what I am and of what I can't bring myself to do, I come to a complete standstill. :headbange

Six times a week, I sit in a twelve-step meeting and, at some point during at least three of those meetings, I say, "Hi. My name is Christin and I'm an addict. I know what I am and, since December, I have been able to admit what I am. I thought that those things would open the door of recovery for me. Perhaps they have. Maybe it's just a matter of me not having stepped through the door yet (and stepped out into the light, as I'm certain my sponsor would say). I do want for that to happen. I just can't bring myself to accept that I'm an addict. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2129-hi-my-name-christin-im-addict.html <![CDATA[My Experience with Tapering Suboxone & My Quasi Journal - Part 1]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2075-my-experience-tapering-suboxone-my-quasi-journal-part-1.html Sun, 12 Apr 2009 01:08:47 GMT A week ago Thursday (April 2, 2009) I cut my Suboxone dose from 12mg to 10mg a day. I was taking 4mg in the morning/4mg afternoon/2mg at night. I couldn't find anyone who had ever experienced what I was experiencing, so I posted the following plea for help on another forum where there are many addicts who have experience with Suboxone tapering.

I had a brief oxycodone habit of 110-130mg/day, not anything that many would consider a reason to begin drug replacement therapy. For me, the beneficial aspect of beginning Suboxone was that I didn't know if I was committed enough to quit the oxys (at the time, it was more a supply issue than a desire to quit issue). I suspect that I probably would have relapsed without the Suboxone.

I was started on 12mg/day in early February and within a few days tried to start tapering without my doctor's direction. Without getting into all the details of why that wasn't a good idea, it took me the first month to realize that 12mg was what worked best to keep the cravings and the anxiety at bay. During that time, I had a day when I nodded most of the day. I was so disturbed by the incident that I skipped my nighttime dose (I take 4mg 3x/day). I woke the next morning experiencing early, but very obvious, withdrawals (which I didn't think was possible with bupe's half-life).

I'm not responding as favorably to the Suboxone therapy as I had hoped that I would and I'm afraid that I'm becoming addicted to it (I understand the difference between being physically dependent and addicted. Unfortunately, I do mean addicted.)

So, this past Thursday, I decided to try to taper again. I took my morning dose of 4mg and cut my midday dose to 2mg. By Thursday evening I was exhausted. Unable to stay awake, I took my night time dose of 4mg and went to bed at 9:30. Friday, I woke tired. I took my full 4mg dose and functioned well at work. Around midday, I took 2mg. I was completely wiped out by six-thirty. After napping most the evening on the couch, I took 4mg before bed at 10pm. This morning (Saturday), I woke with slight nausea, headache, and still extremely tired. I nodded at the computer for over an hour (having peculiar episodes of dreamlike thinking). About an hour after my morning dose of Suboxone, the nausea, headache, and fatigue were relieved. I was totally alert.

I took 2mg around 2pm and was fine until becaming slightly fatigued around 7pm. However, by 9pm I was freezing, extremely achy, and having mild anxiety with heart palpitations. At that time, I took 4mg of Suboxone and by 10:30 felt much better.

I'm a bit disturbed that I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms so early in tapering off the Suboxone, but my main concern is the fatigue. Friday night I could not attend my NA meeting because I almost fell asleep while driving home from work. I need to know if anyone has experienced this kind of fatigue before. Is it something that will continue until I'm completely off the Sub? Is it something that I'll need to learn to expect for the first couple days right after decreasing my dose? Do other Suboxone patient think that I'm absolutely nuts to think that the fatigue has anything to do with the Suboxone dose?(Although I should probably forewarn you that I've experienced the fatigue with past tapers but always increased my dose after two days for reasons of craving and anxiety.) If this continues, I don't know how I can taper and function. Although it scares me, it may be necessary to consider jumping off at 10mg.

I plan to try to discuss this with my doctor. I have an appointment at the end of the week. Unfortunately, office visits are scheduled for no more than ten minutes and my doctor has expressed in the past that he doesn't think that there are any withdrawal symptoms when tapering off Suboxone.

It was a week ago, today, that I made that post. It was suggested to me that I change my dosing from 4/2/4 to 4/4/2. I did. Also as recommended, when I decreased this past Thursday, I decreased to 4/2/2.

There was nothing to note on the first day of the reduced dose. However, Friday was a different story.

As I was driving to work at 12:30, I got this craving out of nowhere. I hate them because, when they come, I feel as though I need to satisfy something that I don't know what it is. Next, I was struggling to get my jacket off while driving down the highway. I couldn't pull over, but I was sweating so badly I couldn't stand it. It was as though the hot flash and heart palpitations were causing the craving and I had to cool off. Anyone who has read my blog entry on craving, knows how much I hate craving. It's so degrading! I cringe when I admit to them. But, at the same time, if I'm honest with myself, when they come, I don't want to stop feeling them either.

Several times in the afternoon, I had similar expriences of craving. My first thought of course was to reach for my afternoon Suboxone dose early, (which the previous day I had reduced to 8mg). I'm trying to taper off as quickly as possible because, as my desire to take the Suboxone before it was due indicates, I may be using the Suboxone in a way that is merely switching addictions.

I know that I should have prayed to get through the craving and I even thought about it. But, I didn't. Maybe that's because, when they start, not all of me wants the craving to end because it also leads me to want to satisfy it. It sounds warped. Anyway, I ended up taking an extra quarter of a tablet.

Later Friday evening, I was so exhausted that I slept on and off on the couch as I had done with the first taper. Nevertheless, I didn't want to mess up my taper, so I decided not to take my night dose of Suboxone and, therefore, was able to remain at 8mg.

I hope that the cravings don't continue. If they don't relent, I might find it necessary to jump off at 8mg. I don't know if I'm strong enough to experience cravings week after week if they continue throughout the reductions.

Today, I'm starting this blog entry to keep track of my tapering schedule and to document the symptoms. So far, this week's symptoms have pretty much followed last week's (to a lesser degree and with the addition of cravings). This is the pattern so far:

SUBOXONE TAPERING SCHEDULE FOR THE FIRST MONTH
(UPDATED ON AN ALMOST DAILY BASIS)

* * * * *
WEEK 1

(4/2) Thursday Week 1/Day #1 from 12mg - 10mg
Effects: nothing **Update: (I just read my post... I had forgotten, I was exhausted by evening). I tapered 4mg/2mg/4mg (Total days tapering 1)

(4/3) Friday Week 1/Day #2 on 10mg
(Total days tapering 2)
Dosing: 4mg/2mg/4mg. Slammed with an unexpected fatigue in the evening

(4/4) Saturday Week 1/Day #3 on 10mg
Nodded at computer 3/4 day. Very delusional quality nods. 4/2/4 dosing schedule. (Total days tapering 3)

(4/5) Sunday Week 1/Day #4 on 10mg
Alert, slight aches. New schedule 4mg/4mg/2mg
(Total days tapering 4)

(4/6) Monday Week 1/Day #5 of 10mg
Woke up, hardly able to get out of bed due to muscle and bone pain. EVERYTHING hurt!!! (Pain so bad that I called my doctor and had blood work ordered to rule out Lupus. If blood work comes back negative... pain is from Suboxone taper) (Total days tapering 5)

(4/7) Tuesday Week 1/Day #6 of 10mg
Alert, mild to moderate aches (Total days tapering 6)

(4/8) Wednesday Week 1/Day #7 on 10mg
Feeling: fine (Total days tapering 7)

WEEK 2

(4/9) Thursday Week 2/Day #1 on 8 mg
Nothing to note. Dosing schedule 4mg/2mg/2mg
(Total days tapering 8)

(4/10) Friday Week 2/Day #2 on 8mg
Significant cravings with hot flashes, sweating, and heart palpitations around noontime. I was hit by an unexpected fatigue which prompted me to increase my midday dose to 4mg. The fatigue continued througout the evening and I skipped my evening dose. (remained at 8mg for the day) (Total days tapering 9)

(4/11) Saturday Week 2/Day #3 on 8mg
Only several episodes of dozing while sitting (although no drugged feeling, am having a little "mental activity" dreamlike/voices happening during some dozing episodes (Total days tapering 10)

(4/12) Sunday Week 2/Day #4 on 8mg
Most of the day was good (I think... I just tried to update Day #5 and accidentally erased Day #4. :( (Total days tapering 11)

(4/13) Monday Week 2/Day #5 of 8mg
Although I was afraid that I would wake feeling terrible, I didn't. Woke feeling alert and had a decent day. Moderate muscle and bone pain developed by night time. (Total days tapering 12)

(4/14) Tuesday Week 2/Day #6 of 8mg
Felt drugged upon waking, ankles and bottoms of feet hurt, shoulders too. Dozing at the computer during which my thoughts while typing or proofing carried into the nod/dozing state, but then start to not make sense, after which I become alert again. (Okay... just had a "therapist" in my head... sitting on a purple stuffed ottoman. I noticed that the ottman was floating and realized that who I thought was a therapist was a genie. I don't know, should I :rotfxko or :c021:, you tell me. Other than that, several hot flashes, sweating, aching back. I've taken my morning dose of 4mg almost two hours ago! Had stomach distress earlier, but am pretty sure that it is due to what I'm taking for constipation. Three hours after Suboxone... I'm completely alert.
(Total days tapering 13 - I would like to note that I was never able to taper the oxys for this long, not even for half as long as I've been tapering the Suboxone.)

(4/15) Wednesday Week 2/Day #7 on 8mg
Last night and today, I've had considerable joint/bone pain. Mostly it's been an all-over, mild aching. Today, however, I'm having areas of significant pain. A couple hours ago it was my right arm -- like a terrible tooth ache. Right now it's my back and the left side of my neck. Those episodes don't last much longer than thirty minutes at a pop. The mild flu-like aches have been joined by a dull head ache this afternoon.

Also, my body thermostat is completely haywire... hot flashes a dozen or so times a day, but most of the time I'm cold, sometimes chilled to the bone. It's worse today than it was yesterday. So, I'm assuming it will probably be better tomorrow. Because I was tired earlier (and I'm home for the day), I decided to lie down. I couldn't sleep. The kicking and jerking (though not excessive) didn't help.

My thinking turned a bit "crazy" in the evening. I've been aware that at some might I might determine it necessary to quit the Suboxone c/t (due to my response to the tapering). However, I was reminded why I was afraid to quit while having my dad's pills accessible. I had a change in my thinking that scared me because, unlike a craving, it was measured, yet it seemed no less able to take me back. It was almost as though a part of me wanted to think that it was reasonable to consider using again.
(Total days tapering: 14)

WEEK 3

(4/16) Thursday Week 3/Day #8 on 8mg
I woke several times between 3:45 and 6:00am. The first waking was right after dreaming about discussing what my sponsor had emailed to me in response to last night's thoughts and feelings: that it's dangerous to romanticise the highs. In my dream, I had been discussing this in a group. I'm almost certain that initially I was having a "wanting to use dream" which ended with me realizing that I was romanticizing the high. I awoke covered in sweat. A few other times I woke, sweating but not dreaming.

Other than that, I feel quite well, most of the achiness is gone, leaving only the intermittent, isolated harder aches. No headache. No cravings. In spite of this fact, I think that I will hold off lowering my dose today (a little frightened to do so actually) but will consider it for tomorrow. For today, I'll pray.

Although it was a beautiful day, I wasn't motivated to do anything -- not even go outside. By evening, I was experiencing considerable chest heaviness, which I have learned to recognize as anxiety. Although it didn't progress to heart palpitations, it was still quite oppressive. I decided not to taper this week.
(Total days tapering 15)

(4/17) Friday Week 3/Day #9 on 8mg
I woke sick this morning. Sick enough that I didn't want to put anything into my mouth (including my sub). I decided to skip my AA meeting and to lie back down. Of course, I should have taken the sub, which I did once I determined to make myself go to the meeting. Although I felt better 1.5 hours later, I developed a headache, bone pain, and nausea again three hours afterward. I rested for a half hour. Five hours after my morning dose, I'm feeling better, other than for a residual headache and increasing fatigue.
I'm very grateful that I didn't have to go into work today. I hate feeling at the mercy of the Suboxone, which is exactly how I'm starting to feel. It's discouraging. If this continues, (I know that I'm projecting and I shouldn't) I will either up my dose or seriously consider c/t.
(Total days tapering 16 -- and even though it hasn't been THAT bad, it's beginning to feel like forever)

(4/18) Saturday Week 3/Day #10 on 8mg
Slept well last night. Awoke after about 4 hours of sleep with a minor craving. I often wonder if I'm dreaming about using but don't remember when I wake up craving. It was very short lived and I feel very well today. Only intermittent bone pain. Maybe the taper has leveled off? I won't be tapering again until after I call Monday and see if I can get in with a different doctor. However, I feel as though I would be able to taper today if I chose to do so.
(Total days tapering 17)

(4/19) Sunday Week 3/Day #11 on 8mg
Physical symptoms are minor. Anxiety and craving is beginning. Have remained steady at 8mg for 1.5 weeks)
(Total days tapering 18)

(4/20) Monday Week 3/Day #12 of 8mg
Thoughts, anxiety and cravings. I really can't tell which comes first the anxiety (tight, heavy chest, breathing automatically deeper, heart palps, leading to tunnel vision sensationa nd dizziness) or the craving. They are so closely associated. Still sweating with chills.

I was two hours late on my afternoon dose. I was reminded to take my Sub when an incredibly strong wave of heat and sweating washed over me. It lasted an inordinately long time and was followed by an episode of craving and anxiety (or anxiety and craving). I became extremely fatigued afterward and then took my Sub. Although the fatigue lessened, it didn't go away completely. Came home and fought the fatigue, having very "Light" dream-like toughts (it would be so much easier to know what to call this phenomenon). I couldn't read posts on SR because any mention of opioid use was a huge trigger. I went to bed around 9:30 in order to escape it. Although I stopped my dentist from prescribing something or my pain, I question my resolve to quit.)
(Day 19 from starting to taper)

(4/21) Tuesday Week 3/Day #13 of 8mg
Still fairly easily triggered. I'm battling fatigue this morning. A couple times of anxiety, the strongest while driving back from AA meeting. I'm feeling reaaaallllllyyyy tired right now. I want to be energetic again. I was always so energetic.
(Day 20 since starting to taper).

(4/22) Wednesday Week 3/Day #14 on 8mg
It's 4/27 and I'm going back to fill in where I haven't posted. I was quite depressed last week and because this is the first entry that I didn't make, I believe this is where it began. Whenever I tried to address my addiction, I cried. It wasn't just a sad type of crying or disappointed in myself type of thing. It's heart-wrenching, painful, if I have to feel like this then just let me die kind of pain and anguish. Something upset me (which I can't recall) and I was reminded that I needed to call my doc for the lab results. I decided to ask for a hydro script and did. I could sense the defiance in me but I didn't care because I also had some sense of control (I have no idea why. It makes no sense).
(Total days tapering: 21)

WEEK 4

(4/23) Thursday Week 4/Day #15 on 8mg
(Still 4/27 and catching up) I was quite depressed. Whenever I tried to address issues of my recovery, tears streamed down my face. I hate being on the Sub and I'm afraid of coming off it. I keep thinking that if only I get a doctor that I can talk to. I can tell him everything. Maybe he will be willing to let me cut down to get off this stuff, not get angry with me, and be willing to put me back on it if I can't stick with being clean. If I can get off the Sub and not have horrible anxiety, I think that I can deal with any cravings. I'm not convinced that I can deal with the anxiety. The "depression" doesn't help either. I picked up the script, yet I have no plan to relapse. I still have hope that I can be helped, that recovery for me is possible. Yet, I still get a sense of security in stockpiling even though I honestly feel as though I would want to die if I relapsed. If I were to relapse, it would appear as though I had planned it all along. I don't want to take drugs. I want to find a way to fix this problem.
(Total days tapering 22)

(4/24) Friday Week 4/Day 16 on 8mg
I attended the Friday night NA meeting. Fairly committed to making another decrease this weekend, I decided that Sunday would be the best day. Although hiking on Saturday would be a great day because I'll be producing a load of endorphins with the strenuous hiking, that would put Monday as a possible day to feel effects... full day of work - not ideal.
(Total days tapering 23)

(4/25) Saturday Week 3/Day #17 on 8mg
Hiked in the Gunks all day. I decided that I would taper tomorrow. My body and my mind seem to miss the midday dose the least. I've been forgetting to take it at work, getting a good sweat around 4:30 which reminds me that I've forgotten. Jody said in an email that she has recognized a change in my "voice" over the past two weeks. I come across as intoxicated. There are times (especially when I'm stressed) that I become so fatigued that I can't type. I suppose that the fatigue is so overwhelming that I could feel intoxicated. I drool now (even when dozing at the computer). I've never done that before. It just makes me more determined to get off the Suboxone.
(Total days tapering 24)

(4/26) Sunday Week 4/Day #1 of 6mg
I haven't posted in almost a week but I've been reading more to encourage myself to lower again. From what others have said and I've been reading, I'm afraid that the Sub is standing in way of recovery, not helping. The sweats decreased to around 5-6 day and my anxiety has not progressed to the strong heart palps in a few days either. So... I decided that it was time to decrease.

I want to remind myself of how wonderful I have it. But first: a woman at NA spoke with me last night about my stockpiling. I'm not sure if my impulsive decisions to tell things about myself at an open NA meeting is necessarily good. I do it because, when I doubt an impulse to share, it's because I'm afraid that not to do so would be for me to be dishonest by choosing to hold back. I'm so afraid of doing something that will harm my recovery that I take the attitude of it being better that I regret that I have spoken (because I'm embarrassed) than to regret that I didn't speak (in order to keep face). This particular sharing, however, I think may have been a test too (they had not received my last sharing well and no one approached me after the meeting). Someone did come up to me and talk with me (but from our conversation, it was obvious that she wasn't there the week that I mentioned that I was on Suboxone, or she didn't remember).

Anyway, I keep finding out that the stuff that I do is not so uncommon for addicts to do. When I find this out, I try to remember where I've heard about the behavior because maybe I'm merely copying something that I've heard described. Because I do this, I wonder if there is still a part of me that isn't admitting to being an addict. Or... maybe it's just a part of the acceptance issue.

Oh... why am I so fortunate? In spite of all my craziness, Jody sticks by me. I think that sometimes her willingness to do so is the only thing that makes me feel that I have a chance of moving forward. If not for her, I would be working very hard to find a way to repress all this stuff to get it out of the way. Much of the hope that I have that I will be able to work my way through accepting that I'm an addict and dealing with the issues is really just me holding onto the hope that I have sensed in her.
(Total days tapering 25)

(4/27) Monday Week 4/Day #2 of 6mg
I'm very sore (calves) from hiking on Saturday. Other than that, I feel fine. Still drowsy at the computer.

(4/28) Tuesday Week 4/ Day #3 on 6mg
So far so good. Have not really felt reduction yet. Tired but not much more than usual.

(4/29) Wednesday Week 4/ Day #4 on 6mg
Slight aches. My ankles and calves are swollen. (Have been since Monday evening. The left more noticeably than the right. However, they seem to be going down some. I see my left ankle bone now. I've been elevating them. I was surprised not to be sick or extremely achy today considering what I experienced with the last reduction

WEEK 5

(4/30) Thursday Week 5/Day #5 on 6mg
Woke up nauseated, headache, dizzy. Definitely dope sick. At least the stomach cramps allowed me to have a BM (a couple times in the morning) without having taken anything. I guess that's still the closest thing to diarrhea that my system can muster while at even 6mg. I'm assuming that will change as I continue to reduce. Although my physical symptoms improved enough to be able to eat a small dinner, I became more fragile emotionally by evening, starting to cry when addressing my addiction. I don't know how to stop feeling so hopeless about it all. Also, the fatigue increased and by nighttime I would close my eyes while sitting and would find myself anwering my own questions as though I thought I should be. Not until my lips were moving in answer (hardly a whisper) did I realize that my thoughts seemed so real to me that I was prompted to answer them. My calves and ankles are swollen (left noticeably worse than the right).

(5/1) Friday Week 5/ Day #6 on 6mg / bumped to 8mg today
Awoke feeling much better than yesterday. By 10:30 I had he dry heaves and was sick the rest of the day. I'm having a lot of trouble even drinking without wanting to vomit. I at a little ice cream before bed and became very ill. Within twenty minutes I had the heaviest chest that I have had in a long time. It was so oppressive and made me dizzy. I took an extra 2mg to help get over this hump. I have read about bumping up the dose for a day to help get past a particularly rough spot.

(5/2) Saturday Week 5/Day #7 on 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/3) Sunday Week 5/Day #8 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/4) Monday Week 5/ Day #9 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/5) Tuesday Week 5/Day #10 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/6) Wednesday Week 5/Day 11 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

WEEK 6

(5/7) Thursday Week 6/ Day 12 of 6mg
see 5/10 note I want enter this day again because the day was so difficult to endure. This day was the first day that I understood the part of the "burning desire" that mentions hurting self or others. Regardless of what I read that was encouraging, I became angry. Even suggestions that I read by my sponsor irritated me. It was the first time that I ever felt irritated at HER and not just the concept of what she was saying. Everything in me hurt so bad that I could almost sense the relief that would come in hurting myself. Of course, I knew that it didn't make sense. Regardless, I knew that it would help. It was the day from hell that started one of the most difficult weekends that I have had to live through. I have not wanted a drink more in my life. Thinking about it, even now -- a full week later -- I can start to feel anxious. On the one hand, I feel that if I could get through that, I can do anything and I can lick this. Then, I feel that if I ever have to do it again, there is no way that I would get through it.

(5/8) Friday Week 6/ Day 13 of 6mg
see 5/10 note Friday was not as horrific as Thursday. I shared at AA and NA, but was only temporarily relieved to the point of not going crazy. I decided that I had to do something and would fill the anxiety and anti-depressant prescriptions.

(5/9) Saturday Week 6 / Day 14 of 6mg
Filled the scripts. Read the side effects. Scared the **** out of me. Because the anxiety is still bad and the symptoms at least don't involve seizures, I'll try that tomorrow.

(5/10) Sunday Week 6 / Day#15 on 6mg
I just back-journaled for the past eight days and exited the blog without saving. I'm really frustrated right now! But, that's been my life for past eight days, which I believe began with the frustration and temptation of going to the oncoligst. It was so hard not to get a script. I almost relapsed Thursday night. I'm sick of the cravings. I've been depressed for the past several days. I'm going to make a separate blog entry to cover the past eight days. I'm also going to rearrange the entries for my tapering schedule so that they more resemble a journal. This format is too confusing for me and the original intent for it is not necessary because the symptoms are too unpredictable.

I woke with hypersenstive hearing. I can't recall if this ever happened while on the oxys or if it's just since starting the Suboxone. It's annoying. Every tap of the keyboard sounds in my ears as though pressurized, being blown in with wind. It's mainly (if not exclusively) my left ear, which has been paining me (I've been blaming it on TMJ), getting hot and wet feeling -- almost wanting to run kind of feeling. The hot and wet make me think of nerve.

That's all I have time for this morning. It's Mother's Day. (I'll try to save this entry this time!)

On Mother's Day, I took a total of two doses of the Neurontin (I also hoped that it would help with my other pain issues). The two doses made me dizzy and then loopy to the point where I was forgetting that I was talking while I was talking. I decided to wait to ask the new doctor about it.

(5/11) Monday Week 6 / Day 16 of 6mg
Backjournaling (today is 5/13). Monday was a decent day. The horrible anxiety and depression seems to have lifted. I'm not sure if I'm finally stabilizing on 6mg or if the effects of the Neurontin got me out of head enough to give me a reprieve. I am having cravings. I was triggered at lunch time while at a stoplight. Saw a CVS sign. Instant craving and anxiety.

(5/12) Tuesday Week 6/Day 17 of 6mg
Only slept a little of two hours last night. Went to AA and took my Sub. Around 10am, I took another 2mg of Sub because I was sick. About an hour later, I was better. I know that I bumped my dose up to 8mg a couple times last week to deal with being sick and cravings. Now, I think that Monday night's anxiety marathon and insomnia might have been due to low Sub levels. The 2mg of Sub made me better. Went to bed before another 2mg was needed. Kept daily dose at 6mg.

(5/13) Wednesday Week 6/ Day 18 of 6mg
Anxiety is low today. Nausea is gone. Cravings are very strong, though, stomach-knotting, sickening type. I have the Wizard of Oz lion in my head (as I too often do). I hear my inner voice telling me, "I want to use... I do, I do, I do, I do, I do."

WEEK 7

(5/14) Thursday Week 6/ Day 18 of 6mg
Emotionally, I feel well today. Still having cravings but, so far, not quite as strong as yesterday. Let's correct that last statement (what a difference just a few hours can make.) I have an appointment with new doctor today and I have a feeling that he will suggest raising my dose to help curb the cravings. But the thought of raising my suboxone dose is actually frustrating because it brings to mind a state of nonethingness or something. I don't want Suboxone. I want my oxys so bad that I cry. I think that this is what starts it all. The tears are stupid, I know. They just come when the craving gets so intense. I can't do this again this week. If it becomes like last week I WILL DO SOMETHING to relieve it. But, if I keep raising my dose, I'm never going to break the physical addiction. But, I don't know how to survive the cravings. Apparently, they aren't going to let up this time. I don't know. I can't seem to recall if they finally let up at 8mg or if I just waited to feel better for a couple day and then lowered again. The anxiety is back full force. I think that I might have triggered an asthma attack.

***** REACHED MAXIMUM CAPACITY FOR ENTRY END OF PART ONE OF DAILY SCHEDULE *****
]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2075-my-experience-tapering-suboxone-my-quasi-journal-part-1.html Going to the Doctor http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2074-going-doctor.html Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:31:13 GMT I should have gone with my gut instinct and should never have allowed myself to think that he was in it for anything but the money. I try not to blame myself. After all, I don't care how little into withdrawal I was, my soul was hurting and, when I stepped into his office, I wanted nothing more thant to trust the man who had said that he could help me wake from the nightmare of my addiction.

I talked and I cried. He listened and he wrote. I talked more and I cried and then he led me to the examining table. He listened to my heart. He took my blood pressure. We returned to the "comfortable chairs" and proceded to complete the COWS evaluation form (Clinical Opiate Withdrawal Scale). I've said it before and I'll say it again, I knew that the evaluation was being done incorrectly. But, I was desperate! This man was my only chance. He had agreed to help me. I answered his questions as asked and ended up in precipitated withdrawal (see www.naabt.org/documents/NAABT_PrecipWD.pdft.)

My next appointment, two weeks later, wouldn't be nearly as involved. Of course the price would reflect that fact ($150 verses $250). A month later, I would again get the 150-dollar treatment. Disappointed, I didn't say a word. However, my most recent appoinment would have to be different. I needed enough time to talk to my addictions doctor. I had stopped IOP therapy. I had been having trouble with the Suboxone -- nodding off and, skipping a dose, waking in withdrawal. I was seeing a new therapist. I had been given a script for Ultram by another doctor. There was just so much stuff going on, I needed more than his typical 150-dollar appointment. Little did it matter what I thought I needed. Here's what I got.

I entered the waiting area and there were two guys waiting. Dr. J could be heard talking in his office. I was three minutes early for my appointment. It took almost ten minutes before the first guy was called in. The other fella and I entered into a conversation. He commented on how Dr. J had saved his life, no one else in the area was taking patients. The hospital had turned him down because he wasn't in full withdrawal when he went there. Even though the guy was unemployed, Dr. J was a little upset with him last month when he was $30 short to cover the fee (comparisons to a street junkie's dependence on his dealer would not be inappropriate to insert here).

Soon enough, with full fee in hand this month, the young man went in for his appointment. I looked around. I was alone. Maybe, I would be the last appointment. Maybe, I would get a chance to talk to Dr. J about tapering and the other stuff. No sooner had I thought this and the door opened. I watched disappointedly as a guy my age appeared in the waiting room and my chance at an extended appointment disappeared.

Just great! I wouldn't be last! I knew that it would be hard to try to get any extra time now that someone would be in the waiting room.

I nodded politely to the new arrival but remained silent until I was called into the office. Right away, I was informed by Dr. J that the appointment could take no more than ten minutes because he had an errand and with that, he closed the door. "So, how's it going?"

He's got to be friggin' kidding me?! How's it going??? He just told me I had ten minutes... MAXIMUM!

"Fine," I replied as I sat on the couch.

"Really?" he asked and sat across from me in his chair.

Half-heartedly, I said, "Yeah, I guess." Okay... let's see what Mr. Ten Minutes does with that. I had spoken with every intention of not sounding convincing.

"Good." Dr. J opened my chart.

"Ummm.... before we start," I squirmed, "I want to make sure that I ask you... my foot doctor, he gave me a prescription for Ultram. He said it's not a narcotic, but I want to ask you before I fill the script. (I didn't think that Dr. J would approve it. I'd read stuff about Ultram. It's not supposed to be addictive, but from what I've read it pretty much is. Still, I was hoping that Dr. J would okay it, not so much to relieve my pain -- though perhaps it might, but because I was hoping that I would like the effects. If he had said yes, I was prepared to admit all this to him. I guess that I was hoping that if he approved it, he would determine that side effects are side effects, they can't be helped, and that it wouldn't matter if I got a slight buzz from it just as long as I didn't exceed the prescribed dose.)

Dr. J frowned. "No. You can't take it. The Suboxone should help with your pain."

I think that it should go without saying that the Suboxone doesn't help. But, hey... I'm the one who got myself in this boat. "No problem," I sighed. "That's why I asked you."

We went over my current list of meds because for some reason that HAD to be done at this visit. Anyway, that took about 1.5 minutes. Then, we started on the standard appointment form. He asked me what I'm grateful for.

"I was thinking about that in the shower today," I started. "I guess that I'm grateful that I've been able to keep things from my family and they don't know what is going on. But, then I figured that I'm not really grateful for that because I'm also upset that I can't tell them. So, I thought that I'm grateful for the sun today. That's one thing that I can say that I'm grateful for. Everything else in my life, if I say that I'm grateful for it, I add a 'but'...." At this point, my voice cracked. I'm not good at thinking about my situation without crying.

I don't think that Dr. J noticed.

"Okay, you're grateful for privacy and the sun." He made a note to the month's gratitude list in my chart. "Any relapses, drugs, alcohol..."

"No, none."

"Good. Any reading?"

"Yes the stories in the .."

"Okay, reading," he said aloud as he wrote. "No sponsor yet, though.'

"No, I have a sponsor," I corrected. "Remember that you said that I could have the woman online."

"Oh yeah. That's good." He noted that I had a sponsor. "What step are you on?"

"I'm back on the first step," I cowered slightly.

"That's okay," he replied as he wrote it down.

"Well, the reason that I'm back on the first step is because my sponsor just found out that I still have my oxys."

Dr. J stopped writing and for the first time, we made eye contact. "There's only one reason for that. You're planning a relapse. You want to get high."

His words stung. "No. I have them in case this doesn't work."

"What do you mean? In case what doesn't work?"

"This whole thing. In case my head doesn't get together and in case I find that I don't WANT to quit."

The good doctor proceded to tell me that, when he first met with me, I wanted to quit, that I had been willing to do anything to quit. He said that the "forgetter" in my head has started working.

I admit that I don't have the best memory. But, I'm sincerely confused. Was he right? Have I forgotten that, when I went to him, I REALLY wanted to quit. I was trying to remember what was going through my head when I stepped into the office for the first time.

Actually, now that I reflect, there's no doubt that I really wanted to quit and that I still really want to quit. I do want to stay off the oxys. But, as I told my doctor, I'm afraid that everything in my head is going to come back.

I hardly get to touch upon that I had hoped that IOP would help me, but it had failed. I reminded him that I'm seeing a therapist. Everything that I said was rushed and told in the briefest possible way because the clock was ticking.

"If you get to meetings, they'll help you to remember," Dr. J said as he wrote something in my chart.

"I go to meetings. Six every week."

I watched as my doctor raised his brows. He looked at me again. "No. You said that you couldn't get out. How are you getting to meetings."

"Last month, I told you that I attend six meetings a week." I explained my NA/AA schedule. He looked on last month's sheet and saw where I had told him and, nodding his head, he acknowledged the fact.

Next, he went over what he calls a DORIS scale. Although I tear up when I talk about stuff (I don't know why, I just do), I knew that there was no time to cry. I did my best.
D = Defiance. I scored a one because I still have my oxys.
0 = overwhelmed. I tell him that I feel overwhelmed about EVERYTHING. I got a two.
R = Resentments. I resent God, I resent myself, I resent my husband. I got a two. (If only he knew how much I was resenting him at the moment!)
I = (I've forgotten what this stands for)
S = Self-pity. Ummm... Yep!

Needless to say, I didn't score very well. I told him that the score didn't really matter because, even without the scale, I could tell him that I feel like a walking relapse waiting to happen and that it was probably only the Suboxone keeping me from relapsing.

"That's good," he said (I'm sure that he was referring to me saying that the Suboxone was keeping me from relapsing). "You've just started with your therapist. Give that some time." He closed my chart and then immediately opened his other book. "Where are you with your payments?"

"I'm up to date." I count out the twenties from my purse. "I wanted to ask you about the insurance form that I gave you. Were you able to fill out and send in the form?"

"I can't do insurance. They only pay me $27.00 for what I do here."

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I always pay you. I would just like to be reimbursed whatever my insurance might cover. I'm paying for this out of my own savings. I had to dip into the family budget for this month's. I was hoping to have some reimbursement from my insurance company to help me out by now."

"I probably have the form at home or may have lost it. Mail me another one."

After paying for my visit, I tell Dr. J my current Suboxone dose. I wasn't able to tell him what I'm experiencing while trying to taper. I wasn't able to speak with him about what I've been reading online about PAWS and being on Suboxone for longer than a few weeks. I wasn't able to let him know that I'm afraid that I'm merely substituting addictions because there's a relationship that I have formed with my Suboxone. Instead, I'm left to work these things out on my own because, after writing my script and scheduling my next appointment (everything having taken no more than ten minutes), I was politely ushered out. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2074-going-doctor.html Lost on the sub-way http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2048-lost-sub-way.html Sun, 05 Apr 2009 09:09:08 GMT I feel cheap, dirty... I've really gotten around in one day. Laying my stuff out for anyone to see. It's quite shocking for someone such as me, who really doesn't get around much. In fact, SR was one of my very first forums. Nevertheless, yesterday, I hit no fewer than three substance abuse forums, specifically looking for Recovery Forums with Suboxone sub-forums (yeah, it's a pun that I can't resist using).

I found some and I told them like it is and this is what I told them:

I had a brief oxycodone habit of 110-130mg/day, not anything that many would consider a reason to begin drug replacement therapy. For me, the beneficial aspect of beginning Suboxone was that I didn't know if I was committed enough to quit the oxys (at the time, it was more a supply issue than a desire to quit issue). I suspect that I probably would have relapsed without the Suboxone.

I was started on 12mg/day in early February and within a few days tried to start tapering without my doctor's direction. Without getting into all the details of why that wasn't a good idea, it took me the first month to realize that 12mg was what worked best to keep the cravings and the anxiety at bay. During that time, I had a day when I nodded most of the day. I was so disturbed by the incident that I skipped my nighttime dose (I take 4mg 3x/day). I woke the next morning experiencing early, but very obvious, withdrawals (which I didn't think was possible with bupe's half-life).

I'm not responding as favorably to the Suboxone therapy as I had hoped that I would and I'm afraid that I'm becoming addicted to it (I understand the difference between being physically dependent and addicted. Unfortunately, I do mean addicted.)

So, this past Thursday, I decided to try to taper again. I took my morning dose of 4mg and cut my midday dose to 2mg. By Thursday evening I was exhausted. Unable to stay awake, I took my night time dose of 4mg and went to bed at 9:30. Friday, I woke tired. I took my full 4mg dose and functioned well at work. Around midday, I took 2mg. I was completely wiped out by six-thirty. After napping most the evening on the couch, I took 4mg before bed at 10pm. This morning (Saturday), I woke with slight nausea, headache, and still extremely tired. I nodded at the computer for over an hour (having peculiar episodes of dreamlike thinking). About an hour after my morning dose of Suboxone, the nausea, headache, and fatigue were relieved. I was totally alert.

I took 2mg around 2pm and was fine until becaming slightly fatigued around 7pm. However, by 9pm I was freezing, extremely achy, and having mild anxiety with heart palpitations. At that time, I took 4mg of Suboxone and by 10:30 felt much better.

I'm a bit disturbed that I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms so early in tapering off the Suboxone, but my main concern is the fatigue. Friday night I could not attend my NA meeting because I almost fell asleep while driving home from work. I need to know if anyone has experienced this kind of fatigue before. Is it something that will continue until I'm completely off the Sub? Is it something that I'll need to learn to expect for the first couple days right after decreasing my dose? Do other Suboxone patients think that I'm absolutely nuts to think that the fatigue has anything to do with the Suboxone dose? (Although I should probably forewarn you that I've experienced the fatigue with past tapers but always increased my dose after two days for reasons of craving and anxiety.) If this continues, I don't know how I can taper and function. Although it scares me, it may be necessary to consider jumping off at 10mg.

I plan to try to discuss this with my doctor. I have an appointment at the end of the week. Unfortunately, office visits are scheduled for no more than ten minutes and my doctor has expressed in the past that he doesn't think that there are any withdrawal symptoms when tapering off Suboxone. I don't expect him to have the knowledge that I need. I'm hoping that someone on this forum does.

I decided to post this to my blog because, well for one... I've got a good case of insomnia tonight and two... I've gotten nowhere with the other posts. Honestly, even the forum with the "So, Subs are more of a hell that you were told they would be..." sub-forum, couldn't really help me because most think that my symptoms are all backwards. One gentleman kindly suggested that I might want to call my doctor's office because even if my doctor won't talk about it, the doctor has to have a nurse and I could get a little free medical advice.

Here was my response to him (it's verbatim because I copied it from the forum): I can't tell you how often I have said to myself, "If only he had office staff, at least THEN I could get someone to listen to me for a minute." My doctor has no nurse, no secretary. You call him, he answers his cell phone. When my time for the exam is up, it's like his ears turn off, he's got his receipt book out asking if I'm paid up. And you're right, nearly falling asleep at the wheel several times on a ten-mile drive home is pretty serious. That's why I'm soooo frustrated because I just KNOW that I'm going to end up increasing my dose again if I have another episode like Saturday morning before Monday, when it's back to work.

On another forum, I've gone back and forth with a guy who just can't fathom what I'm experiencing as even being possible. I kept replying, "I know what you're saying because it doesn't make any sense to me either. But, it's what's happening to me." Shortly after my last reply, I was checking out a few other threads. Interestingly, there is one where a guy mentions that he fears that he's addicted (he seems to grasps the definition of addiction as well) and he posts about lowering his dose of Suboxone and being exausted.

Now, it's unclear from the other guy's post how the fatigue and the tapering correlate. I'm going to check it out later today because he mentioned that he just started tapering again. I don't find it very noteworthy that the man's Suboxone use is years longer than mine because that was the way my oxy addiction was. I do in a matter of months what others tend to take years to do. What I do find noteworthy is the fact that the last individual to post on this man's thread was the guy who simply couldn't fathom what I'm experiencing to be possible.

It's funny because I questioned the guy's sincerity when he told me that it was not possible for me to be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from the Subs in the time period that I've been on them, yet he expressed that he thought that it would be a really bad idea for me to jump off at 10mg. I mentioned that his reasoning seemed inconsistent.

This Has been my Saturday (though I'm posting it on Sunday). For several reasons, I have chosen not to address this subject in our own Substance Abuse forum. The climate in that forum is not conducive to receiving beneficial feedback right now.

It is my hope that today will bring no peculiar episodes of complete exhaustion. I believe that I will be able to differentiate normal fatigue, which I most certainly will experience today as the result of a complete lack of sleep.

Isn't it strange. I would have thought that running around all day, as I did, would have made me much more exhausted and able to sleep. ;) ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2048-lost-sub-way.html <![CDATA[I'm so tired of being an addict]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2021-im-so-tired-being-addict.html Sun, 29 Mar 2009 22:04:00 GMT Feeling the way that I am feeling, I had a choice of two titles for this, I'm tired of being an addict or I'm tired of being an addict in recovery.

I've come to my blog, to where I feel that I can go and admit that life sucks at the moment. I want what I portray on the outside to penetrate to the inside, but it never does. So, when I stop doing the outside stuff and I'm too tired to do anymore stuff, I find that I'm left with the crap that's inside.

I prayed at church today, asking God for peace. Peace is really just another way of me saying that I need a break from dealing with being me because, unfortunately, that me is an addict, created by mixing pills to the mess that I guess that I already was.

In a very short time, I'll be sitting in the midst of a bunch of people for whom being an addict seems as though it's okay and for ninety minutes, it will almost feel that way for me. Then, I'll come home and retreat into my world of make-believe, a place where I usually feel all alone.

Today, I wished for little more than to be able to escape and I thought to myself, If I have to be an addict, I don't want to be one in recovery. Why must I be stuck with this? Why can't I have a means to get out?

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of being no closer today of accepting what I am. I'm so tired of being an addict. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2021-im-so-tired-being-addict.html One of the hardest things to do http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2005-one-hardest-things-do.html Mon, 23 Mar 2009 04:37:21 GMT Quietly, I slipped out from the livingroom, I grabbed what I needed from my purse and, hoping that I wasn't noticed, stole away to my bedroom.

After shutting the door, I fumbled for the light switch. My family doesn't know that I'm an addict. Therefore, they mustn't know that I've gone to my room. Of course, it would be best for my recovery to have someone in my everyday life who could protect me from myself, especially in moments of weakness. But, I have no one and that's one of the reasons that I was alone in my bedroom, nervously carrying out what I knew I finally had to do.

This morning I had woke up in withdrawal. The symptoms weren't really bad, but with the Suboxone they shouldn't have been at all. I was confused and frustrated; well, more frustrated than confused. I admit that I've screwed up my therapy. I had the best of intentions, though, wanting to please those who had advised me to taper off quickly. But, I had reached a point of compliance. I was doing well, feeling normal. What the hell had happened?

Yesterday, I had a day of nodding at my computer, but because I didn't want to manipulate my meds again, I waited to see if I would level out. I did. But, it never happened until evening and I couldn't bring myself to take my evening dose. All the same, I had never expected that I might awake in withdrawal. I wished that I could speak with someone. I was reminded of how very much alone I am.

But, that was this morning. Now, with my bedroom door shut, I made my way to my waterbed. I propped some pillows against the headboard and proceded to make myself comfortable. It wouldn't be long before I would feel less alone, that is, as long as my family didn't come looking for me.

If my family were to find me in the bedroom, I would have tried frantically to hide from them what I held in my hand. It's funny that my hands were shaking. I was so nervous, I was short of breath. To an outsider, I would have appeared as though this were my first time, but it wasn't.

This was something that I had done hundreds of times, just not as an addict in recovery. Why did it seem so impossibly hard to do? I had to do it. Even though I had talked myself out of it a dozen times before, I had to do it. I was sick and tired of feeling alone.

Taking a deep breath, I plastered a smile on my face and told myself that it was okay. In a matter of seconds, I had taken the plunge. The phone was dialed and my sponsor had answered. I had warned her that I might call her tonight (but I had warned her and never followed through in the past).

How foolish I was to have waited so long to hear the voice of the one who has been so kind to me and who has stuck by me through hundreds of pages of emails. I sat on the bed, which I share with my husband, and spoke with a woman who has a knowledge of me more intimate than any that my husband would ever care to have.

Picking up the phone has been the hardest thing for me to do. I'm so fortunate to have such a wonderful sponsor on the other end. When our call was finished, I told her that I loved her and she replied to me in a way that showed me how much she truly loves me and how much she understands. ]]> christin1225 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christin1225/2005-one-hardest-things-do.html