What does IOP stand for?

What does IOP stand for?
I thought that it stood for Intensive Outpatient Therapy.
Intensive: 3 hours
Outpatient: get to go home afterward
Therapy: specially trained individuals to help me to understand the disease of addiction
Although I've only attended two sessions, that has not been my experience at all.

In fact, tonight's IOP was a disaster for me. After repeating yesterday's experience of sitting in a circle for an hour with the counselor engaging in intermittent talk about the evolution of soda machines, a local grocery store chain buy-out, the new arrest of a past member, and yesterday's leaking air conditioner again, we were told, "Oh get out of here and take an extra long break."

During a twenty-minute break, three newcomers (of which I was one) stood together and discussed how what we were getting was nothing like what we had expected.

I was so frustrasted during the first hour that, several times, I had debated speaking up and asking, "Exactly how is the discussion of soda machines going to help me stay clean and sober?" I also considered speaking in a much less confrontational manner. However, I believe that if the counselor really had any intention of making this a therapy group (which because he is the counselor, he would need to lead), he would. Obviously, that is not his intention.

Actually, all three of us voluntary, non-court mandated individuals, felt as though we were being babysat. When we got back inside, he watched a 20-minute video, which was rather good. It brought up some points that I would like to talk about in group. When it came my turn to sign-in and say what I though about the video, I indicated that I wished that we could have watched the movie at the beginning of the session because then there would have been time to share about it, especially because there were parts that I could relate very well to.

But, I was told by the counselor that that's not how he runs things. Still, I braved saying that I felt as though the group didn't have much time to speak about things (please note that at this point in the meeting, it was 6:20 and, at the beginning of the lesson, we had been told that we would be leaving for the alumni speaker meeting at 6:30).

"The speaker meeting is not etched in stone," the counselor replied. Of course, I'm a newcomer, I didn't know that. Then again, this is GROUP therapy, the group's plan shouldn't be abruptly changed just for me (unless someone were in crisis mode. But, talking about my addiction issues in relation to a video that I just saw is not a crisis).

The counselor assured me that the group was there for me and that they wanted to help me. He asked me about what I felt that I needed to share. Talk about being put on the spot! But, I knew that I wasn't alone in how I felt. I had just spoken to two guys who said that they were getting absolutely nothingou it.

Feeling as though I was dubious center of attention, I mentioned that I'm in IOP because I need to work on whatever I need to do to make sure that I don't relapse when I come off the Suboxone. I was advised not to worry about coming off the Suboxone. Just take the Suboxone, take it one day at a time, go to meetings, and don't pick up.

Is this ALL that I need? But, I'm already doing it. Why am I in IOP?

I explained that I want to work on some things in my life because my life is a mess. "Everyone's life is a mess," I was told. Then, the counselor told me to stop worry about things. I shouldn't be worrying about anything other than going to meetings and staying clean. Don't worry about paying bills, any responsibilities... He didn't even seem to know that I'm working and that I have a house and a family. But, how could he knw? He's never asked me anything about myself.

I'm not quite sure what I said next. Pehaps it was something about struggling and my recent relapses. I really don't recall. The counelor's response stung me so bad. He became a bit condescending and said that recovery is not just going to fall into my lap and that I'm wrong if that's what I think is going to happen. I've got to work on getting some faith for myself. But then, he said, maybe I need to go back out and get beaten down a little more. He mentioned how he used to be angry at people who seemed to get better without having hit a low bottm. Then he spoke about how he had to be beaten down for fifteen years because he was able to stay sober. Of course, I might not make it back. But if I get beaten down enough...

Finally, he apologized if he came across harsh, saying that he didn't want me to think that hes a "a pr!ck." (As far as I'm concerned, the apology was too little, too late!) I'm sure that my tail was visible between my legs as I left the room because two people asked me if I was okay. I lied. and I was still crying two hours later and then again at 2am.

I waited to cry until I got into my car because. I couldn't let myself cry at the facility. I didn't feel safe to cry there. I don't think that I'll ever feel safe to cry in that room or with that man.
My husband asked me what was wrong when I came home and I continued to sob for the next fifteen minutes. I feel as though, emotionally, I'm back in week one of recovery when I would beg God to make things different. I'm trying and it isn't working.

I feel very lost and confused, quite angry and disappointed. All I can think is if these first two days of IOP have been meant as a test to see how much I can take before wanting to use it's been successful. I certainly wanted to use. But, I haven't.