http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 00:10:21 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2666-still-sober.html Sun, 11 Oct 2009 03:31:09 GMT i used to think drugs and alcohol would solve all my problems, help me escape so i just WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL! then i thought THERAPY-sitting around talking of all my issues of "inadequacy" and childhood pain- would be the answer. SOBRIETY came as a last resort, after all, my drugs and alcohol never abandoned or beat me, OR stole my sexual innocense...that was always my biggest REASON-self soothing validation.
i now know that it was all just some rouse, some sorry lame excuse i would tell myself in the hopes that i would feel better about things...about stuff...about myself.
i don't know myself SOBER, i don't have any happy memories to grasp onto giving me hope-----and then the thought comes...THIS IS WHY I DRINK...i am still sober and plan to remain this way, i am just being HONEST. i have been searching this world my whole life for some sort of PURPOSE, just a space where i feel as though "I FIT, I BELONG". i have never had that feeling in my life. i am a GAY MAN and i have never even felt IT in THAT "GAY" world.
the INSANITY doesn't leave me when i am sober, most of the time it is WORSE. i see shadows and animals, hear music and static-and sometimes this person who calls himself TONY... a SPLIT second later NOTHING-and i just try to get some SLEEP.
i have attempted suicide 5 times...trying to find some sort of PEACE of mind...GOD keeps sending me back. after the LAST time i came to the realization-TOUGH IT OUT!!!
even in my SLEEP i am consumed...mostly nightmares...4 recurring...BEES attacking ME, multiple TORNADOES, WAR here in the good ole USA, and lastly BOMBS exploding...with me waking up before the WHITE light reaches my immediate location...there are OTHERS ofcourse but those are the MAIN ones.
i just WISH this LIFE came with a manual...something to go by so i know i am on the RIGHT PATH....or some sort of REASON for it all.
enough of this RANT...i am SOBER:headbange ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2666-still-sober.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2642-still-sober-does-happy-dance.html Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:40:14 GMT okay , so with some grace of my higher power, I AM STILL SOBER!!! infact i haven't even thought about taking a drink since last weekend. i think the obsession has been lifted, am i being to optimistic? i have no idea, i am just feeling pretty good lately. i recently cut out all caffeine from my diet, and i am thinking that has alot to do with my energetic feelings of bliss.
in two weeks i am going to visit my best friend in phoenix arizona...i haven't seen her in almost 5 years....*long story*. the day that i am going just happens to be my 1 month marker of sobriety, but rest assured i don't have any reservations about whether or not i can stay sober...i am just excited to finally start living my life with out the crutch of "liquid courage".
at any rate that's all i have to say for the moment, take care.....christian1975 ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2642-still-sober-does-happy-dance.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2622-still-sober.html Sun, 27 Sep 2009 21:05:51 GMT i am still sober, although i have to admit, i feel the depression crashing in on me. i haven't gone to any meetings this weekend, and have the weekend off of work, so i don't know. i barely had enough ambition today to do some much needed laundry, and my dishes, but other than that nothing else..besides coming here and filling out my blog...well i am going to go for now...take care everyone ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2622-still-sober.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2614-day-9-starting-think-i-can-drink.html Fri, 25 Sep 2009 18:07:17 GMT ok so it's day number 9, and the thoughts are starting to run through my head, "it's ok now , you can go get a bottle and be alright".....YIKES...this scares me because i know how it will end...calling off work to devote myself 100 percent to my best friend , vodka...so i am quickly reminding myself of this and the thought goes away...for a little bit anyway. i know that i CANNOT give in to temptation, and i am trying to do things differently this time...which is hard for me, because i tend to do things MY WAY...but i CANNOT do it all myself cause that's when i faulter.
i have the weekend off of work so i plan on loading myself up with meetings in the hopes that will ebb my alcoholic obsessions. i was only a "social drinker" for my first couple years and after that became a "lonely boredom drinker". ugh... the one thing that i do got going for me is that today is payday-(which usually isn't a POSITIVE)-and after paying my reant will only have about 60$ left over for cigs and food...i just can't imagine myself spending any cash on liquor. that's not saying that i haven't EVER spent every dime on my addiction, i just haven't done that during my last couple of years. it's just a good thing that my local grocery store has mac & chs on sale, 2 for a dollar...lol.
well i should really get going so i can get ready for work...take care to all...be sober, be free, and always be true...christian1975 ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2614-day-9-starting-think-i-can-drink.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2609-finally-over-my-first-week.html Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:20:18 GMT it is thursday, september 24th, my eighth day of sobriety, and i finally am starting to feel like "myself" again. the saddest part is however that tomorrow would've been my year if i hadn't of relapsed 7 weeks ago...ugh...but here's to new beginnings!!!
i didn't go to a meeting yesterday or today...is that bad? i was so exhausted i just wanted a chance wo sleep in to day...does that make less willing? i don't know...at anyrate i plan on going to a meeting tomorrow, it's PAYDAY for me, and i think that's when i will be most vulnerable to temptation...cashing my check at the albertson's customer service and seeing all the bottles of liquor in the corner of my eye...but i will pray before , during, and after, and that will help.
still haven't found a sponsor, decided against the co-worker i work with, due to the fact, we work together, and i think it would just be too much! i remain hopefull and will be on the look out until i find the "right-fit". friends in the program have advised me to just take my time, and it will work itself out!
i did go to a meeting on tuesday night, AAA, All addictions anonymous...it has been my fave meeting so far, the most crowded too which is ironic for me and all my anxiety issues...makes me chuckle to think about it...am i getting over my add/ptsd/and bi-polar issues...hmmmm don't know. i don't take medication just pray a lot, so maybe that's the key for myself!
as for no i am going to cut this short, i am at work, and will blog more when i get home tonight!! be free, be sober, and always be true!! christian ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2609-finally-over-my-first-week.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2607-day-7.html Thu, 24 Sep 2009 05:39:01 GMT it is now day 7..nothing serious to report , except that i am still sober, which isn't really as serious as it is a BLESSING ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2607-day-7.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2593-day-5.html Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:02:27 GMT ok, so i am EXHAUSTED...went to a meeting last night at 8 got home at 930, in bed by 1030...always takes me a long time to fall asleep...so i was asleep by midnight and up at 4 for work...ugh...but I... ok, so i am EXHAUSTED...went to a meeting last night at 8 got home at 930, in bed by 1030...always takes me a long time to fall asleep...so i was asleep by midnight and up at 4 for work...ugh...but I AM SOBER!!! which makes it all worth it!! so i am not going to blog very much trying to "keep it simple".
the meeting last night was about H*O*W...i've always considered my self as one of the most honest, openminded, and willing person one has ever encountered...until last night that is...i quickly found hearing the FIRST person speak that's not the case...i have always admitted i was an alcoholic, never a doubt in my mind from the first time i drank and actually blacked out...that was it for me...openminded, i mean come on, i'll try anything once, and willing ARGH did i not go to meetings when i lived in a half way house even though I DIDN'T want too?
OKAY I ADMIT IT...maybe it was always on my terms...so it must be true...i accept that now...although this meeting TRUE-LY HUMBLED ME...and gave me a little humility-ofcourse i don't have a problem admitting i don't have all the answers...so maybe not so much humility.
maybe it just bruised my EGO-yeah there it is again.
no i am self-doubting myself, am i truly in the H*O*W? am i doing whatever it takes...being honest at meetings and with those around me, and openminded enough to think that the meeting last night was an EPIPHANY?
YES IT WAS! it's true, i have never been honest enough, openminded enough, or damn near willing enough............
UNTIL NOW! ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2593-day-5.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2589-day-4-just-waking-up.html Sun, 20 Sep 2009 17:21:48 GMT it is day number 4...just after 9:30 in the morning, and drinking my first cup of hot tea and have already smoked my first cigarette. i slept almost 11 hours, FINALLY getting the kind of sleep one... it is day number 4...just after 9:30 in the morning, and drinking my first cup of hot tea and have already smoked my first cigarette. i slept almost 11 hours, FINALLY getting the kind of sleep one needs during the whole detox process.
i was awoken by a phone call from a "friend of bill" who is going through what looks like will be the loss of her father. i admire her in the respect she has no problem calling on the help on those friwnds in her time of need, when that is something i am in need of some work. incase you are wondering, YES she is still sober/clean..THANK GOODNESS..."she is so strong i think to myself" as she talks trying to hold back the sound of her tears. "i need to go to church" she says...and i just sit there kind of perplexed....but still so proud to call her my friend.
i know with me, i would have been already drunk, passed out a cpl times, escaping into my bottle that has always offered my so much self soothing companionship....was this a message of strength God was trying to send me...i then have to shake my head around getting the thought out my head...after all everything isn't about me right? at any rate i am going in to work for her today in her time of need..she has always been there for me...once loaning me 20.00 so i could buy me some cigs and eggs and her then buying me a loaf of bread so i could at least eat and smoke after an earlier relapse of mine. i hang up the phone saying a silent prayer for her, call my work letting them know, and then setting a time cal up through the taxi cab co. that they own.
i had turned on my computer, checking one of my e mail accounts and then coming here. in my mail accoutn was an actual prayer from my brother's-(whom i've never met-serving 25-30 yrs) mother-(who was the one who messaged me via facebook finding me)...i read the prayer that made me tear up...knowing God was with me, and so was she. i have never even talked to this lady on the phone and she has showed me the unconditional love that a parent should ALWAYS show their child even in their darkest of days. makes me happy to know that my brother, Matthew had such a great mother, but sad at the same time knowing his situation. nothing is set in stone, with one more court hearing to go!
i am going to get off work at 7:30 tonight so i can make the 8 o'clock meeting that i have been planning on going to. then coming home and going to bed, i have to work at 6 am tomorrow which means i have to be up by 4 am so i can drink tea, relax with the news etc...i should probably tell you that i am not much of a morning person...but tomorrow i will not be much of a DRUNK-HUNG-OVER person so it might not be SO BAD.
i will try to add a small blog post, before hitting the sack, we will just have to see. at any rate i know today how truly blessed i am and will try to remind myself through out the day. "all things happen for a reason", right? all this clarity, this site, my ability to go to meetings and not be "jumping out of my skin", and most of all my God and my sobriety, Matthew, Kim-his mother. it feels different this time, sort of "peaceful" if you will...it actually makes me cry when i actually sit still and meditate over it-(which is hard for me to do in itself). COULD I FINALLY BE DONE GOD? i know i can just pray for TODAY the next 24...so with that Blessings to all Christian1975 ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2589-day-4-just-waking-up.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2586-end-day-3-ego.html Sun, 20 Sep 2009 04:18:03 GMT so it's just about 8:30 pm and i thought i'd give the last run down to the last part of my day. i ended up getting called into work to cover a shift for a sick friend. i really need the extra hours because i called in two days in row just after my regular two days off that i get each week...hmmm...a four day long drunk..that was my breaking point...but hey we are talking about today right?
i ended up getting there at about 11 am feeling great after the meeting that i felt was just for me..still working on the ego thing! at any rate i was felling much better physically de-tox is just at it's end, i can feel in my bones, and in my stomach cause i was eating the whole 6 hours i was there!
at 1 pm my "old-sponsor"-very best friend-and boss was going to be there working with me. her name is Kellie, i choose to have a female sponsor after getting out of rehab the first time-(AND having had a 60 year old male sponsor when i was in rehab having hit on me constantly-i thought i'd do things a little differently-i have issues of being abused as a child..so major trust issuesare there). at any rate i truly believe that i would not be here in this world if she hadn't been there to scoop me up and rescue me through many of my relapses, failed suicide attempts, well you get the picture. she has always been so special, and to think that i only choose her because she shares her last name with the same CHEAP VODKA that was always my favorite. ( i've always said always drink your liquor straight, and the bigger the burn the better-cheap vodka and 151). SO it seemed right that i chose her, however i know now that GOD choose her for me!
after telling her yesterday that i needed to go in a different route, and choose a male sponsor she had given me a hug and said "i don't think i was ever your sponsor", a hug, andus both cryin a bit, i actually didn't know what to think. she has helped bring my faith back as well as my forgiving those who have hurt me physically, sexually, and verbally...i never thought that it would ever be possible for me to do that, but i have truly forgivin. it's really difficult for any child to go through things, and with myself being GAY i have not been able to have a healthy relationship of ANY kind with males almost impossible.
i sometimes ramble and get off the subject so if i am doing, let me just say sorry now! she got in, didn't say hello to me, but did to everyone else. now me being only in my 3 rd day, i re-act pretty irrationally. she ended signing in to her computer, and went to reading her book...which annoys me because i feel that we are such good friends she should've OFCOURSE said hello to CHRISTIAN. to no avail i went on my break to smoke a cigarette and calm my nerves, i can become quite verbal when i am upset or angered...i have never had the problem of assertivness in my entire life or in any sobriety-always speak my mind...could you imagine me a child...whew. i end up sitting there on the bench smoking and thinking to myself "this too shall pass", for nearly 5 minutes. if you knew me in real life you would instantly know that 5 minutes was extremely a long time for me to smoke a cigarette-it usually only taking me 90-120 seconds-no lie i even smoke 100's. am i getting off track again? hmmm so i end going back in to work trasferring all my work materials from the back office-where kellie and i were working, to the front counter...it was a professional temper tantrum of sorts an my part that would compare to any 3 or 4 yr old child...more EGO.
i sit there for a good 10 minutes wondering why she hadn't come asked me why i moved to the front...after all it was ME CHRISTIAN...another 5 past and she FINALLY comes out and makes a lil comment, i make one back ofcourse...like every 3 o4 4 year old...I HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD! EGO again!
i couldn't take it anymore i go into the back office and immediatly blame her "you didn't even say hello to me" i said to her..and she replied " christian how could i come in here and say hello when i was bombarded by everyone with hugs and hello's". quickly really appearing as that 3 or 4 yr old i just sat down and said..."i'm sorry"...with her replying "i love you the most here christian" giving me a big hug.
these are the things that i think were really going on with me...
1-ego ofcourse
2-insecurity
3-fear
4-slefishness
5-my own PARANOYA- and MOST OF ALL
6-SOBRIETY...the last thing that came to mind ofcourse, at the time
i just want to thank you Kellie-Belly for, never giving up hope on me, saving my life and taking my half empty bottles, loving me and still loving after every one of my EGOCENTRIC-INSECURE-FEARFUL-SELFISH PARANOYA-alway ending in a hug, a kiss, and today...MY SOBRIETY...THANNK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU...best friends for always...Christian

P.S. some day i will brave enough to show this to you! ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2586-end-day-3-ego.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2579-my-god-moment-day-3.html Sat, 19 Sep 2009 16:06:32 GMT it's day three now and just a bit after 8 am. my ride that was supposed to drop me off at my meeting this morning-(we were supposed to have left by 630) and hadn't showed up by that time...i figured she either just forgot or was running late. for some strange reason i didn't take this as a negative, usually i would have, and come up with an excuse as to not go at all. something came over me knowing that this is purely MY choice, and isn't some one elses responsibility.
last night i had decided that for strength i was going to take the belt buckle my aunt sue had given me that was my uncle jimmy's who had passed away november 25, 2008 from hep c complications. my uncle jimmy was a very special man, a father figure if you will. in my mind he is the only "father figure" i have had that hasn't evert hurt me physically, mentally, or sexually...the type father i always wanted , but never had.
promptly at 6:30 i put the belt buckle in my right front pocket, and started on my walk to my first meeting since my "renewal of my sobriety".i prayed imediatly after i had started treading down the sidewalk, not wanting to be too anxious or nervous due to my ADD-Bi-polar-or the PTSD that any other day would be self medicated by a 1.75 liter of vodka.
i have never had a problem praying, my faith has always been strong, but to tell you the honest truth, i was a little worried. i got half way down the block, and to my surprise i caught a 2 second glimpse of the person i was supposed to rideshare with. she waved and i waved back and contued walking down the sidewalk. at that instant it came to my mind that it would mean more to my sobriety, my uncle jimmy, and God himself if i went to the meeting with out some one holding my hand through the experience.
15 minutes later i could see the members of both AA and NA waiting outside the place in question. I quickly got out a cigarette so i could take some puffs to calm my nerves. i soon noticed that there were no nerves, butterflies, anxiety, or feelings that i wanted to turn around and walk home.
getting to my destination some one immediatly greeted me as i passed him to open the door and get this started. i sat in a table in the center of the restaurant and just WAITED. no one else had introduced themselves to me for about 5 minutes, which was completely fine with me. i am somewhat reclusive, an "observer if you will...(the irony is that i work in a guest service atmosphere dealing with people all day).
finally after the 5 minutes or so were up, two others introduced themselves, one who i believe lives here in my apartment complex,te other , THANK GOODNESS had decided to sit at my small table. i had actually been afraid since i was a new comer i'd be sitting by myself.
i remember thinking to myself, " this aint so bad, what was i so afraid of"? i got a since of pride that i had done this all myself and thanked God and my uncle jimmy silently.
finally the meeting started, it was 3 other members' "birthdays"- 1 6months, 1 year, and the biggie being 24 years. it took a lot for me not to tear up...september 25th of this year would have been my year if i hadn't relapse just after my 10 months.
the topic finally came, it was a discussion type of meeting. religion, sprituality, and ofcourse your higher power. one member said something that i will keep in my mind from this day forward..he said "spirtuality is basically this- i came, i came to be, and i came to believe". like i have mentioned i have never had a problem believing in th power of God, i would not be alive today with out him. he wentono say that the "CAME TO BE" part was the fellowship.
it was really hard not crying after that, i believe that this was a total GOD moment for me. I CAME, I CAME TO BE, AND I WAS THERE TO BELIEVE THAT I COULD INFACT BE SOBER WITH THE HELP OF THE PROGRAM! i am not one to believe in accidents, this was all supposed to happen. my friend not showing up, me making the journey myself, and entering the door ready to make the change that until now never knew i was never ready to make. i am finally truly ready for sobriety, i hope it's ready for me!!!
i'd like to thank God, my uncle jimmy, my frien kim, and all the members of the meeting for giving me my GOD MOMENT.
Christian L. Nelson ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2579-my-god-moment-day-3.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2575-day-2.html Fri, 18 Sep 2009 16:43:01 GMT hi there..it is day number 2 for me, and i just woke up from a "sleepless-sleep". you know how you are asleep but feel awake the whole time, tossing and turning! i hate that feeling. so through all the cold sweats, a nose bleed, the dry heave and throwing up i feel somewhat better. i am still a little bit shaky, but i think it will be ok! i work today at 1pm and am finding myself to be getting irritated with the customers pretty easily...i think that's pretty normal though. it's not their fault i am a former meth user-(for 10 yrs)- who has switched addiction to Alcohol...so thats what i should tell myself all day right? it's a guest service based business, so i have to mind p's and q's. i plan on going to my first meeting tomorrow since it is my day off and that's when i usually like to binge. i am thinking there is the one meeting called "last call" which is at 9 or 10 pm , i am just not sure of the nights its in effect! so we will just have to see. is it normal to feel so emotional? crying at the drop of the hat? i feel so out of sorts, and i suppose that is totally normal! okay i think that is it for now, i am going to try and actually drink some hot tea and start my day...see ya all later Peace Christian :ring ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2575-day-2.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2573-ok-so-here-goes.html Fri, 18 Sep 2009 07:14:57 GMT through some great advice from my new chat friends...i have to stop snivling and do the work...meaning sponsor, step work, and meetings...after honest openminded and willing right...but how willing... through some great advice from my new chat friends...i have to stop snivling and do the work...meaning sponsor, step work, and meetings...after honest openminded and willing right...but how willing am i? i don't to drink EVER again..I have too much to lose...my friends would tell you that my word is golden...hasn't always i am no saint... i can't live inside of a vodka bottle...so here goes evrything i have to give...thank you to people in the chat room today!! peace...Christian:tyou ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2573-ok-so-here-goes.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2571-renewed-sobriety.html Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:34:33 GMT hi there everyone!!! i am renewing my sobriety as of today...i can't take it anymore....i am "sick and tired of being sick and tired". i don't feel comfortable with going to meetings, ADD , Bi-polar, and PTSD...so sitting still for an hour isn't possible for me....what can i do diff. THIS TIME....so i found this site on accident -however is there any such thing as accident? i say no!! at any rate i i like the idea of being able to blog on a daILY basis...and still get the connection of the fellowship! ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2571-renewed-sobriety.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2570-am-i-doing-right.html Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:33:13 GMT i think i figured it out i think i figured it out ]]> christian1975 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/christian1975/2570-am-i-doing-right.html