renewal of my sobriety...doing whatever it each one day at a time
still sober
Posted 10-10-2009 at 09:31 PM by christian1975
i used to think drugs and alcohol would solve all my problems, help me escape so i just WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL! then i thought THERAPY-sitting around talking of all my issues of "inadequacy" and childhood pain- would be the answer. SOBRIETY came as a last resort, after all, my drugs and alcohol never abandoned or beat me, OR stole my sexual innocense...that was always my biggest REASON-self soothing validation.
i now know that it was all just some rouse, some sorry lame excuse i would tell myself in the hopes that i would feel better about things...about stuff...about myself.
i don't know myself SOBER, i don't have any happy memories to grasp onto giving me hope-----and then the thought comes...THIS IS WHY I DRINK...i am still sober and plan to remain this way, i am just being HONEST. i have been searching this world my whole life for some sort of PURPOSE, just a space where i feel as though "I FIT, I BELONG". i have never had that feeling in my life. i am a GAY MAN and i have never even felt IT in THAT "GAY" world.
the INSANITY doesn't leave me when i am sober, most of the time it is WORSE. i see shadows and animals, hear music and static-and sometimes this person who calls himself TONY... a SPLIT second later NOTHING-and i just try to get some SLEEP.
i have attempted suicide 5 times...trying to find some sort of PEACE of mind...GOD keeps sending me back. after the LAST time i came to the realization-TOUGH IT OUT!!!
even in my SLEEP i am consumed...mostly nightmares...4 recurring...BEES attacking ME, multiple TORNADOES, WAR here in the good ole USA, and lastly BOMBS exploding...with me waking up before the WHITE light reaches my immediate location...there are OTHERS ofcourse but those are the MAIN ones.
i just WISH this LIFE came with a manual...something to go by so i know i am on the RIGHT PATH....or some sort of REASON for it all.
enough of this RANT...i am SOBER
i now know that it was all just some rouse, some sorry lame excuse i would tell myself in the hopes that i would feel better about things...about stuff...about myself.
i don't know myself SOBER, i don't have any happy memories to grasp onto giving me hope-----and then the thought comes...THIS IS WHY I DRINK...i am still sober and plan to remain this way, i am just being HONEST. i have been searching this world my whole life for some sort of PURPOSE, just a space where i feel as though "I FIT, I BELONG". i have never had that feeling in my life. i am a GAY MAN and i have never even felt IT in THAT "GAY" world.
the INSANITY doesn't leave me when i am sober, most of the time it is WORSE. i see shadows and animals, hear music and static-and sometimes this person who calls himself TONY... a SPLIT second later NOTHING-and i just try to get some SLEEP.
i have attempted suicide 5 times...trying to find some sort of PEACE of mind...GOD keeps sending me back. after the LAST time i came to the realization-TOUGH IT OUT!!!
even in my SLEEP i am consumed...mostly nightmares...4 recurring...BEES attacking ME, multiple TORNADOES, WAR here in the good ole USA, and lastly BOMBS exploding...with me waking up before the WHITE light reaches my immediate location...there are OTHERS ofcourse but those are the MAIN ones.
i just WISH this LIFE came with a manual...something to go by so i know i am on the RIGHT PATH....or some sort of REASON for it all.
enough of this RANT...i am SOBER
Total Comments 8
Comments
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You've learned from your mistakes, if that's not a strong enough validation for you to keep on keeping on, I don't know what is. You're doing well.Posted 10-10-2009 at 10:56 PM by pinpoint
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a new course ..a blank canvas...whatever it is it's new to you and you're use to living "life" under a thumb .....don't give up ;you're bound to get more comfortable with it.Posted 10-11-2009 at 06:34 PM by Lonewolf515 -
We make the manual as we go along. Through trial and error we add entries to that manual. Finally, at the end of our time, we finish the book, leave it in the library of the Universe...and few read it. They are writing their own manual. I guess that is the way we do it, as each person has his or her own operating formula. To find that for ourselves is wonderful. I guess we really don't need someone else's manual, right? Find the way to embrace YOU. Once that happens, it becomes easier to operate the intricacies of one's self. And doing it with a sober mind is on the first page.
Peace-
PadraicPosted 10-12-2009 at 04:20 PM by Creekryder -
thank you for your advice, and you are right, i guess i am just "on the first page".Quote:Originally Posted by Creekryder
We make the manual as we go along. Through trial and error we add entries to that manual. Finally, at the end of our time, we finish the book, leave it in the library of the Universe...and few read it. They are writing their own manual. I guess that is the way we do it, as each person has his or her own operating formula. To find that for ourselves is wonderful. I guess we really don't need someone else's manual, right? Find the way to embrace YOU. Once that happens, it becomes easier to operate the intricacies of one's self. And doing it with a sober mind is on the first page.
Peace-
PadraicPosted 10-12-2009 at 05:01 PM by christian1975 - thank you for your comment lonewolf...now that i think about it, it's pretty normal to have some sort of fear of the unknown...and sobriety is deff. that.Quote:Originally Posted by Lonewolf515 a new course ..a blank canvas...whatever it is it's new to you and you're use to living "life" under a thumb .....don't give up ;you're bound to get more comfortable with it.Posted 10-12-2009 at 05:03 PM by christian1975
- thank you pinpointQuote:Originally Posted by pinpoint You've learned from your mistakes, if that's not a strong enough validation for you to keep on keeping on, I don't know what is. You're doing well.Posted 10-12-2009 at 05:04 PM by christian1975
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if you are finding it hard to embrace yourself, i'll just have to hug you...
better/easier?
returning the fave to you 
Christian!Posted 10-12-2009 at 07:05 PM by left4lonely - awwwwwwwwwwwww thanks left...that means a lot...Quote:Originally Posted by left4lonely if you are finding it hard to embrace yourself, i'll just have to hug you...
better/easier? returning the fave to you Christian!Posted 10-13-2009 at 05:08 PM by christian1975
