Relapse Exchange for 25 Months 18 Days For 20 Minutes and 3 Hits

That is called insanity! But that is what happened to me. Yes I took three hits and didn’t even get high. Must have been some bunk **** cause three hits usually after the first hit you can feel it? So I am in awe as I come here tonight. Wasn’t going to post this anywhere but I did post earlier in a few places just to get it out. I am struck by what happened. The thing about the whole thing is that the obsession and the compulsion to do more isn’t there and never did come around. Maybe the reason is that it wasn’t real dope? Don’t know but am grateful that it didn’t come back like it has in the past.

Of course the mind **** is there but not as bad as it has been in the past. The questioning of me running let a lone owning recovery sites after the owner relapses what does that really sound like? But I do have to remember also that relapse is part of the deal or at least it has been for me. Tell ya the truth it has been starting a while back as most of ya know but I was in such a good place here that it is really unbelievable that it occurred. I guess what they say is that you really have to watch it at all times. But than I am beginning to wonder if this deal isn’t really for me? I mean working so damn hard at staying clean and for what really? To stay alive? I am not afraid to die, so that shouldn’t be a issue at all. Matter of fact I truly welcome death.

So I posted this at a few sites today well not what I am saying here, but that I went out for 20 minutes of not even getting high and wondering do I really need to even count it? Well **** yes it is the action that I took, not the outcome of the action. What did the action do? It really didn’t set up the obsessive/compulsive behavior that I thought it was going to, but it did set up a little bit of the mind **** **** that we deal with in early recovery.

I went to the 8pm meeting here where I now live and wasn’t going to fess up to anything but I did. I just said that I turned in the time for 20 minutes of not even getting high. People I don’t even know. It is like I feel as if I don’t belong in the meetings around here. Really a lot of emotional **** that I am going through and staying as positive about it all that I can also seems to help but just feeling distance and knowing that I have hurt some others today from my using makes me even sadder. Knowing that I let the members of my sites down, myself down, HP down, etc. just makes you want to not even try again.

And than coming here and reading some of the stuff like living life on life’s terms without the use of drugs. Boy I sure know how to talk the talk but don’t know **** about walking the walk or at least not everyday. I do know that I am wanting to avoid logging into SNC. I don’t want to go there and confess. I am sure that it will draw more people away for that is something that I am truly good at doing. Sometimes I feel that it runs a lot better and people do more postings and things when I am not around. Which is true to some extent.

Well I suppose that I am going to bed. Hope ya all have a blessed and clean and sober night take care.