becki's story

Today I am a blissfully happy 31 year old suburban house wife and mother of 3. I live in a middle income neighborhood, 4 bedroom house, 2 cars and all of my bills are paid,my mother welcomes me in her home. The police never come to the door looking for me. This wasn't always the case.
I'm going to tell you all about me, my family, my thoughts and views, this is probably more than alot of you want to know, you are welcome to stop reading at any time. What follows is an HONEST account of my life...MY thoughts and feelings. MY perception of the way things were.
June 13, 2004 Baton Rouge, La
Today I had a feeling of impending doom....a bird flew into the room thru a window. A wives tale says this means someone will die. I was in a panic about this and swore something bad was going to happen. I told Adam, but he blew it off.
June 14, 2004 sometime after 3am
Adam is driving me ******* crazy!!! He is pacing the floor talking, talking, talking. Mindless gabbering. Walking around with that damn glass pipe. Smoking. He needs to go to bed, and so do I, A ¼ gram shot of speed for me. My body processes the drug totally different then his it gets him amped, lets me focus enough to quiet the racing thoughts in my head . Meth works like that, it becomes whatever it needs to be. I crush up a xanax and some G put it with a little meth and tell him to snort it...(Of course he doesnt know!!!) but what else could I do? I had not forgotten about my premonition, I wanted some time to just love him. We ‘made love’, probably not your version of making love, it was rough, demanding and totally satisfying. As he drifted off to sleep, (lost consciousness) I memorized his face, the exact cadence of his snores, his smell. I knew without a doubt that these were the last moments of us. I was already mourning.


June 14, 2004 about 9:45 am
I woke up late this morning,feeling paniced not remembering falling asleep ( passing out). Me and Adam were naked in a hotel room bed, pornography, sex toys and drug paraphanilia everywhere. (Elijah 5 months old) was not in his crib. I remembered we had found a babysitter online and he was at her house, we were supposed to have picked him up at 6:30am. It was 9:45. One look at my cell phone tells me I have missed several calls from her. I shake Adam awake...he barely stirs. I cuss ,tell him Im going to get the baby since he wont get up, I dress and run out of the room and down to the car. After calling the sitter giving her some bs story and telling her Im on my way. I discover I have forgotten my keys (and probably have time for just a little shot of dope to get me moving). I ride up in the elevator...with nothing else on my mind but the shot. No, not even Elijah, sad but true. (I told you I would be honest, please don't bash me until I ve told the whole story).I suppose It took me ten minutes to ride downstairs, talk on the phone, dig for my keys. Give in to the urge to get high. No more than fifteen at the most. That fifteen minutes changed my life, probably saved it.
June 14, 2004 about 10:05 am
I get off the elevator, and freeze. What the hell is going on? Do I run? Act like I don't know anybody here? What? Too late Ive been seen. Im cool tho. In front of me is the hotel manager, on the cell phone, some other guy....and my Adam naked, wrapped in a sheet, hysterical. babbleing...on and on about "there you are babe, where's eli, where's eli? They are going to help us." Of course I act like he's being silly tell the mgr he's ok and Ill take it from here...Im sure I told them he was off his meds or something. I go to enter the room and find I dont have a key card...so the manager opens the door for me...AND walks me in so I can get some ID to prove I belong there. Im steady talking and making light of the situation and he's looking around at all the paraphanillia and porn, stalling until...yep you guessed right. The cops show up.(There not there yet, but I know they are coming.)
I grab my car keys and start to walk out the door, "I'm late to pick my son up." I tell the hotel manager. "Where exactly is he?" he wants to know. I tell him I gotta go, try to persuade Adam to come on but he adamantly refuses, prefering the "help" these fine folks are offering. I still have no idea why he's naked or what he has told them, but lets tell the truth here, I just wanna blow this joint. NOW. I want Adam to come, but the clock is ticking and he aint moving toward the door. Looking out for number one (and Eli I convince myself) I leave passing Baton Rouges finest on the way out...No **** they got about 5 cop cars...and I KNOW whats in that room they'll have at least 5 more.
More....
Current mood: sad
I get into the car heading away from the hotel, (LSU campus btw,) thats another charge within 500 ft of a school. What's one more? I catalog in my head what all is in the room, about a 1/2 oz of meth, 1/4 weed, 16th cocaine, 5-20 tabs of X (depending on what we took last night), various pills valium, clonipin, loratab, oxycotin, xanax a little G, and about 40 used syringes. ( I have no idea why I kept them) Christ we are in for it. A little voice tells me I should go back and face it with my husband. I ignore it. I ve got to get Eli, make arrangements for him, and alert my "friend" and current supplier of the situation. And I also never did get that shot. Im needing it pretty bad by now. I also have no idea where I am. Im driving around and around the campus in a panic trying to figure out how to get on the highway. The babysitter is no good at directions so I call Adam at the hotel and guess who answers the phone? Yeah a friendly officer. He says he needs to know where I am so he can give me directions. Um no, Im not about to divulge that info! He finally puts Adam on who hasnt quite figued out the gravity of the situation. He is insistent that Elijah has been hurt or killed. That is what "I gotta go get Eli. I'm gonna kill you" translated into in his overmedicated brain. I guess the little cocktail I gave him was NOT a good idea. My bad. So I figured out why he was naked in the lobby and why the hotel manager was there calling the cops. Adam had ran out the door behind me thinking I said Eli was hurt/killed. The hotel manager figuring out he was outta his head called the police. I straightened him out on what was REALLY going on. (I didnt tell him it was my fault for dosing him tho) told him to try to get out of it somehow and I would figure out how to get eli and come back. I drove around for about an hour looking for the sitters house. During that time I spoke to *Ginger (supplier) telling her what was up. She already knew a bit as the cops had called her to find out why I had credit cards in her name. She told me she had given them to me to use, (and she had) but they wanted to know why and what our relationship was. So she was trippin now. Damn, I guess I wasn't gonna get any help there. No dope and no place to take the heat off. I told her they werent gonna find anything out from us so just be cool and figure out how to get us outta this. I talk to Adam and the cops a few more times. Adam says its cool they said just to come pick him up at the station they werent charging us with anything (?) they didnt search the room (until they got him out of it anyway). The cops want to give me directions but need to know where I am. They will even send someone out to meet me and show me the way, what kind of car am I in anyway? I lie and make something up. Finally I get to the sitters and get Eli in my arms..I hug him like Im never gonna see him again then hurry to the car and head towards Lafayette. (home) I suppose Ill find some junkie to keep him while I go sort this out, maybe they really didnt search the room weirder things have happened. At any rate...once Eli is taken care of I gotta go back the little voice in my head is insistent....Adam had become more important then my habit...he was the only thing...that had ever been bigger than my need to medicate. I had gotten him into this and I would get him out or go down with him. I decided I would go back. I was more than halfway home (for those of you familiar with louisiana I was crossing the atchafalaya ) when my phone rang, the cop again...I told him I would come back..after I took care of my son...after reassuring me that they just wanted me to pick adam up, he told me that they wouldnt release him or stop looking for me (They had a damn all points bullitain out on my car from texas to florida)until they layed their eyes on my son. Due to Adams thinking he was dreaming and telling everyone that someone had killed him. They just had to make sure he was safe.
What could I do??? I got off the bridge and turned around...To hell with it...it was easy to let them make me believe this looking back on it..I suppose it was lucky for Eli, who would I have left him with? Not anyone decent u can bank on that. Anyone decent had stopped having to do with us a long time ago. I kept driving. Towards the end. Towards the beginning. Towards Adam.
Here Ill let you in on my thoughts..I wasnt scared anymore. I was tired. Id been sick of this dope game for a long long time but I didnt know how or who to ask for help. It sounds so easy for anyone who isnt an addict. Stop doing it. But its never that easy. When I WASNT using I felt like I wanted to die. When I WAS using I felt like I wanted to die. I couldnt get out of bed without it. Couldnt survive with out it, it had stopped being fun a long time ago. Now I had roped Adam into doing it...he was a social user before me...now he used daily thank god he didnt use the needle. But just getting him hooked, you have no idea how that weighed on my soul. We had discussed going to rehab but what to do with Eli? And what would our family think? Nothing to do but keep on using. Only way to get out of bed and at least tend to poor Elis basic feeding and changing needs...(adam usually did most of this as even with the dope I wasnt much use, it just wasnt enough anymore) I was by no stretch of the imagination a mother...not even close. I guess it was divine intervention. Had all this not transpired I wouldve been done in less than a year anyway..Id already given it some heavy thought, I would simply quit. Not the dope I could NEVER do that on my own. I was planning to take my own life it wasnt worth much anymore. Not even in jail did I feel as imprisoned as I did when I was using.
So back to the story...the police told me to meet them when I came into baton rouge and they would make sure Eli was ok, and then they would bring Adam to me. Cool, I dont even have to go to the station. I was feeling good about this now. It was going to be ok. I pulled up at a gas station, called and told them where I was. I went in got a coke fixed E a bottle and fed him the cop pulled up checked Eli out, said he just had to call the other guy to bring Adam to me. So far so good, no cuffs, no miranda rights. I even made small talk with the officer. Boy we got over on them didnt we!?! Me and Adam will laugh about this one!! Bonny and Clyde got em again!
Thats when the world stopped spinning for me. I didnt think it could hurt so bad. 4 other cars pulled into the lot. They pulled Elijah right out of my arms. It felt like they were ripping my heart out of my chest. I SCREAMED no no no no give me back my baby...give me back my baby. Why why why?? I couldnt understand why they were taking him and where? Would I see him again? I'd never had these thoughts when I left him with random people...I had them now. Social services was gone with him before they wrestled me into the car. No Adam, no Elijah, NO DOPE , animal instinct took over and I fought bit, screamed, cried, all in front of the cops and the surprised people at the gas station and I didnt care. Inside the car alone with myself....I continued to scream and cry. On the way to the police station and my salvation I screamed, cried and sank deep into despair I did this to myself. I did this to Adam. I did this to Colby, Tate and Elijah. It had all come undone. The sound of Elijah crying as his sweet weight was ripped from my arms followed me all the way to the police station. I hear him sometimes in my dreams. That was the exact second I began to change.
Oh, my poor, poor, baby.










my story continued
Current mood: aggravated
Hello friends! My mother tells me that it seems as if there could be more detail so I'll try, the basic idea tho is to get the bare bones of the story out at least...if Im ever "discovered" I will fill in the gaps. So here goes......
Still June 14, 2004 Early afternoon
How is it that the sun is shining so brightly when my world is ending? It should be dark and grey.
I sob all the way to the police station. Racking gut wrenching sobs. It feels like everything inside me wants to come up. I'm not crying for me or even Adam at this point tho. This is like the summit of all the things Ive done over the last 8 years. On some level I knew this was the end and it couldnt end well. All the people Ive hurt. I havent mentioned Colby yet. Poor sweet innocent little Colby, he was the one I hurt the most. He was about 2 when I really started doing meth. At first it was so much fun...it was just me and him and we would do such fun things! Make elaborate pirate costumes, have late late night candyland games, and spend hours drawing and painting. Then it really got ahold of me, it owned me and I was its lover its slave. Who knew dying could feel so good? He kind of got lost in the shuffle. I had new friends that also did drugs and they were around all of the time and he became a quiet, little observer. So quiet that sometimes I forgot he was there. I have forgotten to feed him, forgotten to pick him up from school, forgotten isnt the right word here, neglected is. He wasnt ripped from my arms. I gave him willingly I had to choose him or the drug. I chose the drug. He went to live with my mom around 3 or 5 I dont remember. There was a time she didnt even let me see him, so emaciated and unkempt, I wouldve scared him. The thought of his little face waiting at the window breaks my heart. So many promises Ive broken. Oh Colby. He was also on my mind during that long ride to the police station. I knew I wouldnt see him for a long, long time. I knew that he would be crushed. I had failed him for the last time.
I also thought about Adam, somehow I thought he had figured it out. He knew this was all my fault. All of it. The cocktail. Getting him hooked on meth, on me. I figured he was done with me for sure. He would tell his parents it was all the fault of this evil woman he had married. They would get him out and far away from me.
I thought of my mother, she had told me this was coming time and again. Begged me to stop, I had stolen from her countless times jewlery, her credit card, money, anything I could put my hands on. This after she had taken me and my son into her home, supporting us monitarily. After she finally put me out she continued to care for Colby. She would be the one to break the news that I was finally and rightfully behind bars. She would have to console him. Hold him as he cried. She would have to dress the wound I had made. Clean up my mess. Be responsible for my actions. Poor momma, she already had lost a son to drugs now a daughter too. What had she done to deserve this.
I thought all these things on the ride...all the while there was a keening in my head an unintelligable noise. I just wanted to die but knew I wouldnt be so lucky. After an eternity we arrived at the station. As we walked into the door I heard Adams voice, I was still wailing " they took the baby, they took him right out of my arms" I looked to my right and saw him at an impossibly long wooden table, several officers were in the room with him. Our eyes met for only a second as they shuffeled me into a cell none to gentley. The cell was about 20 ft from the room Adam was being interrogated in. I could hear what was going on. I heard a scuffle, and Adam yelling, "Aw come on you guys said you wouldnt do that to her." There was a ruckus and I heard Adam being put into the cell directly across from mine. Maybe 8 ft apart. I could hear him but not see him. My cell (and I assume his) was about 15-20 feet long and about half as wide, off white, chipped paint carved in by other prisoners. It held only a cot that was made of the same painted cinderblock as the walls, the door was metal with a window that was about 1ft square and had a little cover on it that could be slid back from the outside, of course it was closed. The door had about one inch between it and the floor and if I lay on it I could see Adam doing the same. It took me awhile to discover this as I threw myself about the cell for about an hour. Crying Screaming like a wounded animal, pounding my hands and head on the walls. Trying to make some pain on the outside to distract me from the pain on the inside. Through the fog of emotion I could hear my cell phone continually ringing, I believe I heard it answered a time or two, the police talking about us calling us Bonnie and Clyde, and saying we were trash and could anyone believe all the disgusting stuff they found in that room? Making crude jokes about us, and I must be some kind of ***** to allow all of that porn. Did anyone see the track marks on my arms? I heard Adam sobbing quietly, and then I heard something I hadnt expected to hear. I heard a baby, laughing, then crying. Saying mama and da. I heard some woman talking about feeding him. It was MY baby! I yelled and yelled his name, not thinking how it would upset him to hear me but not have me. Then Adam said they are calling my mom, she will at least take Elijah, she wont help us( they had recently got us out of jail, I was there only a few days Adam a few months, but that is another story) but she will take care of him. I was a little less paniced when I heard he wouldnt be with stranges. I was comforted by Adams voice but only a little. I continued to cry and scream. Until the door to my cell opened, I swear this happened I remember it. Adam says I imagined it. But it was so real. An officer came into my cell, I only remember his shoes I didnt look into his face. I screamed at him to get out. Repeatedly get out get out get out. I heard them talking about me and figured out why he was there. I had had this experience with the police before, and wasnt about to give it up unless I was damn near dead. He was going to rape me. Possibly more than one of them would. I was going to fight. I was so mad I wouldnt stop screaming. There was no where to run. It took a while but his soft voice finally penatrated the fog in my head and the fear in my heart. He said" Do you know the serenity prayer?" I stopped sceaming this wasnt what I expected, I was confused, "what ?" I said," Of course I know it Why?" Say it with me he said. I refused not knowing how it would help. Id prayed for help a million times and God had for sure forsaken me, otherwise how would I have gotten to this point? I told him as much. He told me maybe God had brought me here, so I could actually listen to him. He said God and drug rehab were our only way out of this, he was an addict himself. I listened to him. Could he be right? Could he?


more my story
Still June 14, 2004 late afternoon early evening
I finally relented, more so he would go away than out of any real hope of being saved. After going over the serenity prayer with me he left as suddenly as he had appeared. To my knowledge I was never in his presence again. Adam says this didnt really happen. And I have to admit a police officer with a little compassion does seem a little off, but if he wasnt real then I have to believe an angel spoke to me that night.
Im not sure how long they kept us there, interrogating first one of us then the other, but it was a long time. Hours. Sometimes they would leave us both in our cells and we would talk under the door. Im sure this is what they wanted us to do. Hoping we might say something they could use. I remember I lay on the hard, cold concrete floor just looking at Adam, crying and wondering when (if?) I would next see him. He told me he loved me, I told him I was sorry. He told me this too would pass. I didnt believe it. If today had seemed eternal, with him across the way, how long would the days that would follow seem when I was alone? I knew we were facing serious time. This was the first time we had actually been caught with weight on us.
My phone continued to ring, on and on and on. ****. Anyone who was calling would know what was up by now, word travels fast. Why would they want thier name on caller id? Im sure some of the calls were people hoping we had gotten out and could still score for them. I did realize none of them would be rushing to our aid though. When you cant do anything for them those in the dope game tend to forget your name fast.
I heard Elijah again. I wondered aloud what was going on with him. Where would he go? The cop in charge told me that I didnt deserve to know. Worthless excuse of a mother that I was, what difference did it make to me? I wouldnt have to care for him, isnt that the way I had wanted it ? Always trying to get someone else to take care of him. What mattered is that he would be somewhere safe and that meant far away from me and his daddy. He was right. And that hurt. I cried, screamed, began to again beat my head against the wall...anything to lessen the pain on the inside. I began to rake my fingernails down my arms, across my face my stomache. Blood was good, pain was good. I pinched my arms. Pulled my hair. I sobbed so much I vomited, that was good too. Now my throat hurt as well. The police took turns opening the little shutter and watching me. They delighted in my torment. What a good floor show!
I could hear Adam talking softly, evenly, his voice was a lullabye. I dont know how I found his voice through the taunting of the cops but I did. He told me to stop. It wasnt helping to hurt myself. It was killing him inside. He calmed me for a bit. Sometimes I screamed and sometimes I rocked in the corner humming to myself, sometimes I just lay on the floor and watched him watching me.
At this point we had been at the station only a few hours I guess. Mostly we were kept in our cells. The real interogation hadnt begun yet. They had asked us each a few questions but nothing big really. I guess they were going through all of our stuff, seeing what they had. Making arrangments for Elijah, formulating a way to make us talk and probably listening to us.
I heard *Gingers voice but couldnt make out what was being said. We were never told for sure she was there but Adam and I both remember hearing her. My heart had jumped. I thought she had come to rescue us. But after giving it some thought, knew she had come to pick up the (legal) items of hers we were in possesion of. The police probably told her she needed to come get them and explain why we had them in the hopes of getting her caught up too. They knew who she was and it would have been quite a day for those small time campus cops to bring in 3 large catches in one day. It wasnt to be though. I only heard her for a few miniutes. Then she was gone.
They let Adam out of his cell for about 20 minuites took him someplace besides the room with the long table because I couldnt hear his voice even muffled. When he came back he told me his mother was there to take Elijah home with her. I felt relief but just a little. He said she was mad as hell, no way she would help us, but at least she was taking Elijah. I thought I had heard her voice from a ways off. When a face appeared in the window I begged to see Eli to hold him just once. Please. Please. I'll do anything. The man went away and then came back, he entered my cell and wanted to know who the dealer was. "Give us a name," He says "is it Ginger? We know but need to hear it from you. " I couldnt help him. He says he understands if I dont remember, but by the way he had checked with a superior and was told he couldnt bring Elijah to me. I might hurt him. Might hold him hostage. "sorry for that" , he says with a mean little smile. *******. Wouldnt have brought him to me even if I had squealed.
I went through my routine somemore, crying, rocking, scratching. I looked a site by then half out of my head with grief. Hair matted, eyes red and swollen, bloody scratches everywhere. Adam was being silent, his mother had gotten to him but he wasnt sharing. Just like Adam he would never, ever add to my grief or discomfort. He always tended to my wounds first. Still does.
Voices outside my cell. The window slides open. A face. It takes a moment to penatrate my brain. My mind reaching for the name, oh there it is. Its Cookie, Adams mother. Those blue, blue eyes. Bloodshot, but searing all the same. Her mouth is turned down, her skin pale. I had never seen her without lipstick or mascara before. Her skin looks white as paper. Porcelain. Niether of us speaks or moves. Staring. I dont know why I did it, but I lifted my right hand and waved. Waved and smiled. She slowly shook her head, left, right, back to center. And the window closed, just like that she was gone. I sat back down and rocked, I didnt hear or see her anymore. I dont know why I didnt speak, thank her for taking Eli, ask would she keep him for the duration, tell her he liked to lay on his duckie blanket to sleep. Smiling and waving, that should tell you how far gone I was, what did I have to smile about? It wasnt like she was a friend I had caught a glimpse of at the supermarket. Pretty soon I heard her voice, she asked, "Can I see her a
gain? For just a second?" The window slid open again, and she was there, blue eyes burning, scorching, searing. Ice blue. Burning like fire. Telling me I was never worthy. I was a glaring black stain on the white carpet of her existence, Muddy footprints on a newly mopped floor,I was more than a source of shame. My name was Leigon. As the window slid slowly shut her eyes never left mine. I didnt smile or wave this time. After a while I threw up.
I agreed with her eyes.