http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:28:51 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2339-watching-tv-tonite.html Tue, 14 Jul 2009 02:11:59 GMT I just watched the new Intervention on A&E. It broke my heart. The one thing I love about that show is the end...when you see the addict healing with days sober under their belt. Well I was really waiting on the end of this one because the guy fought so hard against his family to not go and then ended up going.
SPOILER****
I sat here in shock as they just started running across the screen a bunch of sentences about him going thru the whole treatment and such and then said he was diagnosed with advanced esophageal cancer and that he moved back to his family... I was still hoping they would show him ..... and then it just said he died of cancer. And his wife, daughter and son were on there saying they were glad he died sober. His son said he was glad he didn't die an alcoholic, but that he died a dad....I could just cry my eyes out on that one. Most of the time everyone comes out on the other side and happy at the end of the show. There was one other episode I saw where the guy was a real bad alcoholic worse than the one tonight and it was still a shocker to me that he died at the end. Alcoholism kills people. And I don't wanna die that way---everyone has to go someday--- but they don't have to go that way.
RIP Bret -- I was so hoping you and your wife and kids were going to be together and happy again.
:praying
Prayers to your family. God please comfort them. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2339-watching-tv-tonite.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2335-making-sobriety-priority.html Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:22:23 GMT From Sober For Good by Anne M Fletcher

"Do whatever it takes, if it's not illegal or immoral."
"Put sobriety first--change anything in your life that endangers it: relationships, jobs, hobbies, places, habits."
"I never bought into the AA powerless thing. I don't think I'm powerless. I had too many years of not taking charge of m life, and I don't want to lose that now. Becomeing sober felt like taking contorl--the more I saw the results of staying committed to sobriety, there was a power in it. As long as I stayed sober, I was in control of my behavior, my responses to people and things, and able to make chocices rather than have circumstances make the choices."
Part of making a commitment to sobriety is believing in yourself.
"Most of us have tremendous power and resources within ourselves if we dig hard enough. You acquire great strength with each passing day."
"It was a daunting, overwhelming circumstance to have to start life all over at age 31. After a while it became an adventure, and that helped."
"At first it was hard to go and do things I had done before without having a drink. I constantly felt weird and out of place. In a year or so, I was not feeling bad."
"And as the emotional ups and downs of the first year started to even out, I began feeling better both physically and mentally."

I'm doing well with keeping this first and foremost right at the moment. But I haven't been put to the test as of yet. I hope I have some time in before that happens. But we shall see. The quotes from people who have perservered are so helpful and I will continue to read this book and write from it here. The people are called masters in the book since they have had their sobriety for quite some time and relate how they did it or what helped them along the way. One of my hard parts I know is that I am still socially immature since I was stunted with alcohol since the age of 16. I have a huge problem with keeping my mouth shut and not sharing socially unacceptable (what i really think) opinions. i get so mad at the way other people live and think they are so above others. i'm having a big problem right now with the rich, above it all, untouchable, incrowd people who are liars, crooks and so immoral but thought of so well in the community. it jerks me off so bad. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2335-making-sobriety-priority.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2314-sober-good-anne-m-fletcher.html Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:06:32 GMT Some things I highlighted:
"it's about taking active steps to achieve a new plane of living, to build a life with no room for alcohol abuse"
"I then got busy creating my new life rather than waiting for my next relapse"
"When cravings would come, it was like there were two voices in my mind: one loud, aggressive voice that would lobby hard to break abstinence, and the other, more passive voice that would try to hang on the abstinence for all it was worth. I taught myself to silently scream back, sometimes with profanity, at that aggressive voice--I saw it as the enemy and committed to making it the passive voice."
I have those voices in my head on the way home from work almost every day. I'm tired and bored and it's so relaxing to be able to stop and get some beer, come home and play games on the computer and quietly get drunk.
"The Turning Point
#1 A general feeling of being worn down by the battle. The most frequent responses to the turning-point question referred to being sick and tired of the struggle with alcohol. People had simply had it with drinking, and it just wasn't worth it to continue"
I'm soooo sick of waking up most mornings and my first thoughts being of: that's it, no more (which is a wasted thought because by mid morning I am thinking about drinking again) or please God, please help me stop (guess God is just depending on me to do this)
"#4 Medical problems or health concerns related to drinking"
I've posted about this previously - I am concerned my liver tests are going to come back horrendous and then what am I going to say. In the job that I am in, I cannot risk having anything in my record about alcoholism. Medical records in this town are not as confidential as they should be. I am not taking the chance. And beyond that scenario, I have to help my ownself for my life to continue. I have to start taking care of myself and making myself number one.
"We have to find something we want more than we want a drink"
I don't know about this one right now. I don't have anything, but I figure I can fake it til I find it or know it. I guess I can just focus on the health thing.
"What if you've tried and failed many times to quit or taper off your drinking?
a)Never,
b)Never,
c)Never give up.
Never stop trying. If one thing doesn't work, try something else"
Well here I am. I've made an announcement on the board that I am determined not to drink this weekend. I've challenged myself. When the thought comes up I am quickly making myself think of anything other than that stinking thinking thought. I participated in a chat meeting last nite the whole way through. Even though it was based on AA, I stayed and listened and participated when I could. I'm posting on the board every single day. I'm trying my best to write things to other board members to help them in their struggle for sobriety. I post to gratitude thread(s) seeing what I have to grateful for no matter how small. I have set up some things to do today to keep my mind occupied. I have drug out the books I have on alcoholism and am reading out of them. I'm doing my best. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2314-sober-good-anne-m-fletcher.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2292-week-going-slowwww.html Wed, 08 Jul 2009 01:48:51 GMT only Tuesday and I feel like should be the end of the week already. i'm still feeling bad physically. my stomach and side have really been giving me problems. i talked to a girl today and am wondering now if it's really my gallbladder and not just GERD and my liver. yeah i'm still worried about getting my blood done for my liver and the results of that. but i have another month to work on it (meaning not drinking and giving it a chance to breathe for once) but anyway the girl i talked to today has exactly the same symptoms i've been having and she has already had a gb ultrasound and is going to have her's taken out. might not be what i have but it is food for thought. i hope i can get my liver straightened out if that is what is giving me pain in my right back. this evening i felt like someone was putting their fist in the center of my chest/stomach. last nite my stomach just had pains. i've just come home and napped on the couch and then took my maalox and went to bed. last nite i got some probiotics in the vitamin aisle and i've taken 3 twice today with meals. see if that helps any. on monday i was having the creepy crawlies all over at work...like i had an itch and it just kept moving all over my body...weird. but the last time i quit drinking someone on the board told me it sounded like paws symptoms...so i'm thinking i may be in for more of that. i remember that when i went to bed i had to put up with that for several nights. none at night so far. but i've been so tired this week with my stomach problems and stress from work that i go to sleep pretty quickly.
i hope i can look back on this documentation of what i'm feeling sometime and be thankful that i'm feeling way better being sober.
that's all for tonite...better get to bed i guess. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2292-week-going-slowwww.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2283-pains.html Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:58:03 GMT I'm back again. After almost a month of binge drinking on the weekends (couple of 3 day ones too) I have to stop. I have to. Dammit. My good intentions are worthless.
I'm laying here on the couch--I'm just sore all over for some reason. I'm probably the only person on earth that can pull muscles by being a lazy butt laying on the couch all day. No, really I don't know what the deal is. I didn't do anything yesterday to strain myself (except for curls with my beer drinking hand unfortunately) My liver and stomach are hurting as well as my back. I have to make an appt to go back to the doctor in August and also have several blood tests a couple that focus on my liver. Geesh I want them to come back ok. I've got to stop drinking so I have a chance at that for one. Then for another--I got to stop drinking. I'm killing myself. I know that in my head...but then on the way home from work I don't know what in the hell happens.
It's embarassing to be back and admitting to a big relapse. But I feel this site can help me so here I am. Again.:scorebad It sucks.
A new sober date...July 5 ... I was praying for the freedom from alcohol last nite and at the same time wishing there was just one more beer in the fridge..pathetic. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2283-pains.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2214-got-my-prescription.html Mon, 08 Jun 2009 22:40:23 GMT I just got home. My dr appt went as well as it could I guess. She didn't "feel" anything wrong. I do have to go to another dr - family dr - she referred me since I didn't have anyone. That is for the GERD (pain in my armpit - which she seemed to go along with the notion that it is referred pain) and to monitor the celexa if it agrees with me.... oh yea she did give me a rx and I already took one. I hope it starts to help me quick and that I don't have any bad side effects. I've heard of ppl having to search to find a med that will help them and I don't want to do that. Also good news it is one of the $4 ones so moneywise on my pockets I sure hope it works. She was cool enuf to write it for 40mg and told me to half it so the script lasts twice as long. If this would help me I would so be a lucky person. Now to get thru my mammogram and the other dr who will order blood tests. I want an LFT but am afraid of what the result will be and that it would alert the dr to the fact. One test she did mention was a TSH - which I've had done before (I'm always so tired) and it's always been ok. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2214-got-my-prescription.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2213-dreamz-6-7-sunday.html Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:32:03 GMT I stayed up until almost midnight watching tv. Inside American Jail was on. I need to remember when this show is on and watch it more. I've caught it once before. It generally revolves around drunk people just getting to jail before they get bailed or go to court. They are generally making an ass of themselves. It's the real not so pretty part of drunkeness (if there is pretty-- I guess I mean they aren't laughing having a good time) It's kind of disgusting but I find it hard to stop watching once I start.
When I finally fell asleep, I don't think I was down but for half an hour before I jolted awake from a weird dream. Me and my best friend were standing in a house, at the back of the house near a sliding screen door. I could hear an airplane cutting out and it was really close. I was standing there and leaning my body towards the door, craning my head to see. But it was like I knew exactly where the plane was. It kept cutting out, and then running a bit and was coming closer and lower. It seemed to go by the back of the house. I was trying to go outside by this point I think but couldn't. I saw something drop on the ground out in the yard. I think it was a little piece on fire. And then it seemed I was trying to get me and my friend to get to the front of the house out of that room because the plane was crashing in the next yard and it was going to blow up. I just knew this. And then I woke up. I felt scared, and looked around to make sure no one was in the house. I had the window to my bedroom open. Everything was quiet and ok. But it took a few minutes to calm down. I went back to sleep fairly quickly but I know I had some other dreams that I don't remember right now -- I think I was thinking about I need to write these down tomorrow. I do think I woke up another time in the nite after dreaming.
Last nite my lower abdomen was hurting/burning and I guess it's my liver (on my right side) is hurting. This has been going on since the past couple of times that I've drank. I'm worried about going to the dr. I'm worried if hinting around about going on antidepressants is the right thing to do. I'm wondering that they won't work if I do get them. I've been on paxil before and have tried several others that don't work.
Oh well, I did get up 45 min earlier than I usually do. I set the coffeemaker to make coffee last nite. It's hard for me to do either of these things, I just would rather not do anything and sleep. So it's good that I did these 2 things. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2213-dreamz-6-7-sunday.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2212-fell-down-again.html Sun, 07 Jun 2009 23:54:35 GMT I'm back. Unfortunately I went on a drinking on the weekends binge for awhile. I was drinking thru the week too but really bingeing on the weekends. Friday I bought an 18pk. I drank 7 and Saturday I drank all day until there were only 2 beers left. I left them only because I passed out on the couch. This morning at 11am I drank the last 2 beers. I just couldn't leave them be. But vowed and carried thru that I didn't go and get anymore.
I'm going to the dr tomorrow (not telling her anything about my drinking tho - my workplace isn't so great in confidentiality - many ppl can get into my records and I can't afford to have anyone know) but I am going to unload on a lot of other issues I have and am having to admit to. I have pain under my r armpit -it seems I get heartburn there from my GERD (no lumps tho) / there are a couple of moles I want her to look at / the anxiety and stress I have because of my job (possible merger) I hope she will give me an antidepressant. I'm lonely, stressed, a worrier. I so hope tomorrow goes well and something good happens to help me. ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2212-fell-down-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2131-day-just-vanished.html Sun, 03 May 2009 01:24:54 GMT I feel that way. I got up early enough and hit the SR boards to make sure my mind was in the right spot. I wasn't planning to go out and don't have anything in the house so I didn't have too much temptation.
I took a nap. Having that time of the month pains. The nap didn't really help me, I still felt tired and didn't do anything at all but lay on the couch and surf the internet. I did get a little more done on a blog I'm working on and thought up some ideas for another one. I love playing around with blogger-the themes and everything. Then I took a bath. I'm still so tired so I'm going to go to bed, maybe read some before sleep. I hope I have more energy tomorrow. I need to get some things done before going back to work.
I had some GERD this morning so I took a zantac and also an aleve for stomach cramps. I've barely ate anything, just coffee this morning and some fried potates this evening. I just didn't feel like eating with my stomach. So I'm probably tired from that and maybe from no alcohol too.

6 ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2131-day-just-vanished.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2128-safe-n-sound-tonite.html Fri, 01 May 2009 23:58:20 GMT damn i just wrote a huge post and lost it all..... short version.... was having problems with my new vonage and went to a bunch of trouble moving/trying to fix it to find out i just needed to move... damn i just wrote a huge post and lost it all..... short version.... was having problems with my new vonage and went to a bunch of trouble moving/trying to fix it to find out i just needed to move the cordless phone as far away as i could from the vonage box. ha - ha. oh well it's working so far (knock on wood)!
i made it past my usual watering hole on the way home, so safe and sound for the night.

from sailorjohn's signature:No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.
Buddha

5 ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2128-safe-n-sound-tonite.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2126-just-post.html Fri, 01 May 2009 00:16:01 GMT i'm really trying to post something everyday at least for awhile. but i'm so tired, i'm ready to go to sleep right now.
im still in and did really well going past where i usually buy beer after work without even thinking about it....actually i was thinking about going to buy toilet paper at the dollar store haha.
found some cool tops at goodwill--it was buy one get one--a few were christopher banks and real nice. half fit half didn't but would if i could lose my beer belly.
oh well im taking my tired little self to bed to read if i can stay awake for more than ten minutes.

im still in

4 ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2126-just-post.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2122-finally-i-decided-about-vonage.html Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:23:39 GMT After owning the vonage box I bought from Walmart over 6 months ago.....it could be a lot longer than that seriously - I finally made the decision to go ahead and go for it. I now have a vonage... After owning the vonage box I bought from Walmart over 6 months ago.....it could be a lot longer than that seriously - I finally made the decision to go ahead and go for it. I now have a vonage number and have tried it out. It seems to work ok so far. I'm still hanging onto my old phone number for a couple of weeks to make sure before I boot verizon completely. But at least now I can call long distance any time I want and not have to use my cell.
At work the day wasn't so great more monotonous than anything and I felt belittled and unimportant a few times. My coworker is a dork about doing their work. They wait until there is a bunch and then do it and then it becomes my big pile to file and document and run to where it should be. :a043:
I wonder if I can stay in this job or if I need to leave. But that is something I don't need to be dealing with right now, so stop thinking about it. June will be a good time to figure out my next move.
Right now SR is being a good substitute for not drinking. I hope it stays that way for some time to get me to having some strength for when it doesn't.
:umbrella:
from a post by believe808
Do you have a God box? I write down on a piece of paper just what or whom I need to let go of and put it in the box. I then turn it over to my HP and try not to take it back.
That's sounds like an interesting thing to do that might work - have to try it sometime

3 ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2122-finally-i-decided-about-vonage.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2118-i-had-good-morning.html Tue, 28 Apr 2009 22:26:47 GMT today. I started out by walking on my treadmill. I did get a blister on my right foot since I was barefooted straight from bed. But I don't care, the main point is I did it - and I haven't been on it since last summer. So good for me. I also walked the stairs at work twice today and did real good on my eating at work.
I also noticed when my coworker made me mad and then just kept on working. I started working on papers I'm going to turn into my manager for my eval and it's on paper so much of the work I do. It made me feel good thinking back at the things I accomplished in the past year and the comments of people that were nice about me. It was a really good morning looking thru those papers. I need to somehow make a way to be able to do that when I need to, when I'm down.
It has been easy again today to not drink. Knock on wood. I hate it when it's hard and I fall/fail.

my post on SR today:
What do you believe you must do this recovery attempt to remain in recovery?
make time to find things that make me feel good
or things that reinforce that i am a good person

try to recognize when other people are making me feel bad or why i am feeling bad about myself and try to stop my negative self talk. try to find others things beside alcohol to ease the pain of these things

exercise whenever i can or feel up to it. to do the best i can with exercise and not make it an enemy or something i have to do perfectly or every day. to try to remember exercise will help my depression

justoday post on the relapse prevention tool box thread:
1. AVOID COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS:
Simply put, comparing yourself to others usually leads you to feel better than others or lesser than others. The results is either pride and arrogance or envy and self-pity. As you know, these things are stepping stones to relapse and using.

The only useful comparison you can make is to compare yourself TODAY with how you were yesterday. You will either see progress or a need for change. Bottom line...our "eyes" stay where they need to be...on ourselves.

Why waste your time comparing yourself with others when it can be so misleading and full of incorrect assumptions? Chew on this thought...Don't we tend to compare our own "insides" with only what we can presume is on another persons' "outside"?
Hmmm.:c041:

2 ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2118-i-had-good-morning.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2114-im-just-sitting.html Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:15:25 GMT here on the couch passing a bit of time. I want to go into the online meeting but I'm not sure if I will. Saturday was my first day @SR and I went into the meeting but left pretty early in. Not too much talk. Everyone asking to talk kinda slows down the back and forth and I think also some ppl or maybe it's the chat is a slow connection. It was nice though to read what people type in. I just went into chat before the meeting on Sunday-there were quite a few ppl chatting. I surfed around the site and read a lot of posts both on Sat & Sun. I've been reading this evening too.
I feel ok right now but before I left work today I was highly stressed because my coworker is such a wishy washy everything is an excuse person. I was trying to explain something to this person and they were I felt squashing a lot of hard work I had done. This person is someone who comes into work everyday and basically does the least they can. Most of their time is spent on the phone (alot of the time cell phone) with family members. But they are considered one of the nicest, hard working people ever at my workplace. It jerks me off. I should not talk to them about these things and not need any of their input. The conversations are a waste of my time and leave me feeling like a butthole, worthless, stupid. But I didn't get beer afterward which is my coping tool.:1244: So that is good.
A good part of the day was I got up half an hour earlier and had time to make my lunch and to not be in school traffic so the drive was less stressful and I actually got a good parking place too. So I ate salad and a baked potato for lunch but didn't do so good about the snacks in between but I didn't spend any money today and that is good. My stomach felt really full for a while after I ate. Being home I just ate some bbq chips and dip and now my stomach is hurting some. I had to take another zantac before I left work because I could feel the acid coming up in my throat. I had already taken one this morning.
I was planning on checking in on the meeting tonite but I'm really wanting to go read in bed even though it's only 7pm. Maybe I can be tired enuf to be ready to fall asleep by 10 and get 8 hrs of sleep which would be good for me. :inbed

:duckWhat it is is what it is. (from fubarcdn's siggy)

1 ]]> bohemianzen http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bohemianzen/2114-im-just-sitting.html