I'm trying to talk myself down from my metaphorical ledge. I'm shaking right now, and I don't have a full explaination as to why.

Tonight, in about two hours, I plan on going to a meeting in my hometown for the first time. At a place dedicated to AA, which is known as a very good place for meetings. I don't know if I'm afraid of seeing someone I know, or if I'm afraid of declaring myself to my local population, or what. I do suffer from aspects of social anxiety generally...I don't...

Removed.

...not sure which.


I'm trying to simply be responsible, to take action in ways which will help me progress, and to be open to what God wants me to do instead of trying to insist on things the way I want them. So far it's going well, though I am not so naive as to think that things will always be up. In fact, many things are not looking up, and I'm sure the hardest days of my life are still yet to come.

I went over the first 1/3 of my fourth step with my sponsor...

I want to drink right now. But I can't. And for the first time in a long time, I have a very good reason why. I mean, more than just that whole "not dying" thing.

My favorite poem is by Charles Bukowski. It's a poem I've never actually understood in its entirety until tonight. It's called Roll the Dice. I never paid much attention to the title. I'm sure I've posted it in a blog before, but I'll include it at the end of this entry anyway.

God, I feel like...

I feel like a deer in the headlights.

I only partially know why, but for some reason I'm in a blind panic this morning. I've prayed the third step prayer, and am trying to stay focussed on one thing at a time...but I feel paralyzed.

I need to send out more job applications, resumes. I need to call people who might be leads for jobs. I need to make calls to potential clients. I'm not doing any of it-- I'm just sitting here terrified.

I woke up sick on...