I'm a Creep
Posted 09-03-2009 at 10:13 PM by Blake'sTyger
I continue on in this catch-22, hap-hazard and exhausted way. The only good thing I'm feeling right now is the fact that I'm sober tonight and will wake up sober tomorrow. I'm trying to find some solace in that.
I'm working a job for which I'm overqualified. A job that does not cover my bills, let alone my debts. I work a second job and end up eeking by on money from my family in order to survive. I was given an award at work this morning...two awards, actually, for monthly acheivement in my position. I'm glad to know I'm doing a good job, but it doesn't help me pay my rent. I can't very well tell the electric company or my landlord that I met 100% of my client's goal, or that I was the top in the department for the month...so could they please back off while I try to scrape a payment together.
I'm trying to find a job in the field I want to be in. I'm trying to get my Peace Corps application in. I'm making what feels like no progress.
Today I was showing a woman on my team some of the aspects of the particular client we're working on, and we got to talking. We're both from this area originally. She asked where I finished school, and I told her. She asked me what my major was, and I told her.
Her response was, "What are you doing here?".
Indeed, I think to myself all the time-- What the Hell am I doing here? What am I doing? Trying to not come in to work still half-drunk in the morning. What the hell am I doing here? Trying not to lust after every good looking woman in my department, including the one asking the question. Wishing I had a life outside of work. Wishing I was closer to where I wanted to be. Wishing I'd never developed this F*CKING drinking problem to begin with. Wishing I had more of a spine.
Wishing I was special.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?! I DON'T BELONG HERE!!!
But I'm just a creep. Albeit a sober one, at least today. And, God willing, tomorrow.
Again, that's the only solace I've got right now. I can't drink now-- sobriety feels like the only thing I've got going for me.
I know this is a pity party I'm throwing here, but it felt good to get it out.
Now to pray, to bed, and to work tomorrow; and using the long weekend to figure out how to get to a better place.
Dave
I'm working a job for which I'm overqualified. A job that does not cover my bills, let alone my debts. I work a second job and end up eeking by on money from my family in order to survive. I was given an award at work this morning...two awards, actually, for monthly acheivement in my position. I'm glad to know I'm doing a good job, but it doesn't help me pay my rent. I can't very well tell the electric company or my landlord that I met 100% of my client's goal, or that I was the top in the department for the month...so could they please back off while I try to scrape a payment together.
I'm trying to find a job in the field I want to be in. I'm trying to get my Peace Corps application in. I'm making what feels like no progress.
Today I was showing a woman on my team some of the aspects of the particular client we're working on, and we got to talking. We're both from this area originally. She asked where I finished school, and I told her. She asked me what my major was, and I told her.
Her response was, "What are you doing here?".
Indeed, I think to myself all the time-- What the Hell am I doing here? What am I doing? Trying to not come in to work still half-drunk in the morning. What the hell am I doing here? Trying not to lust after every good looking woman in my department, including the one asking the question. Wishing I had a life outside of work. Wishing I was closer to where I wanted to be. Wishing I'd never developed this F*CKING drinking problem to begin with. Wishing I had more of a spine.
Wishing I was special.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?! I DON'T BELONG HERE!!!
But I'm just a creep. Albeit a sober one, at least today. And, God willing, tomorrow.
Again, that's the only solace I've got right now. I can't drink now-- sobriety feels like the only thing I've got going for me.
I know this is a pity party I'm throwing here, but it felt good to get it out.
Now to pray, to bed, and to work tomorrow; and using the long weekend to figure out how to get to a better place.
Dave
Total Comments 1
Comments
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I also work at a job that I am way overqualified for. I also barely make enough to pay my bills. I also wonder what am I doing here? Then, I remember--I am not in the unemployment line, I am not starving to death, yet and I am sober. So, life is not as bad as it could be. As a matter of fact, it's pretty good. I am sober and that is more than I had for many years-so the money and prestige can wait for now.Posted 09-03-2009 at 11:22 PM by SCRedhead
