http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:57:50 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/3615-day-3-lets-move-trooper.html Wed, 19 May 2010 10:14:16 GMT I gotta admit. I've been here before plenty of times before at the start. Sometimes I was pretty fired up other times I was ready but had to much doubt in the back of my mind that I would take this seriously. But something really feels different about this time.

I'm not going to carry on and on since I still have a bit of shame being all fired up before in the past just to drag my sorry butt back here saying I'm on day one again.

But let's just say certain signs appeared to me. Actions were put into motion that seem to strange just to be a coincidence. It's like I just saw something very beautiful and something that makes even the worse of nightmares look like sesame street. I looked into the abyss and I looked into heaven and they both looked back. I saw myself really for the first time ever and never been so horrified by what I saw. But yet I could see the other path I can take, and that's the one want to follow more then anything else in this life right now.

And no I'm not talking about like wow that was the worse 3 day binge hangover I ever had. No I actually had worse, way worse in fact. But this was definitely my worse ever spiritual hangover. This really got into my head on more then just a physical level. Or emotional, financial whatever has usually motivated me in the past to say that's it. And not like I suddenly found God and going to be a good little church goer. The best way I can say it is if I found anyone, I found me and really saw me for the first time ever on more then just one plains.

I say with complete confidence right now that I'm fully ready to engage and really work on this problem instead of just hoping it goes away on it's own. I've done it before and even had a few months under my belt. But that was just a few months and as soon as I took my head out of the sand it was just waiting for me.

Time to lock and load! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/3615-day-3-lets-move-trooper.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2915-wish-i-could-say-ive-been-sober-x-amount-days.html Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:40:12 GMT But that would be a lie. I've heard it all before and said it to myself a thousand times over. But that "voice" just seems to have a hold on me. Well no more!!!

I am sick to death of always being drunk or being hungover. My mind has been going back into a fog, my judgment isn't the best. Old habits are coming back. Drinking 15-19 beers then hoping in my truck to go get more beer. Waking up feeling ashamed on top of that horrible sickness. I called into work today, blew off the gym . One's my bread and butter the other is my passion. I'm blowing money on poison and junk food, and that's money I should be saving! Drunk dialed some chick and almost forgot that I set up to have her come over and this is the wrong type of woman to have around. All she does is feed my habit.

I've had enough of this! I cancelend tomorrow and I fourtantly have some sick days left and took off today and tomorow to rest and recuparte and "clense" my home and body. I get so full of disgust looking at my home right now. It's full of beer cans everywhere, empty 12 and 6 packs and pizza boxes. Along with other general clutter that I've been to drunk and lazy to clean up.

Anyway that's all I'm gonna go hit the shower and wash off last nights beer sweats and try to get some sleep here and tomorow it's cleaning and cleansing day. ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2915-wish-i-could-say-ive-been-sober-x-amount-days.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2652-been-drinking-past-month-again.html Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:16:28 GMT I've been drinking again. That drive and passion I had for a few months where I hardly thought twice about drinking seem to of have gone up in smoke. And now it only seems when I'm sitting around hungover do I think about trying to get back on the wagon again. But come a day, two, or three later that gets thrown right out the window and all my mind seems to be wrapped around is getting drunk again. And that vicious cycle of wishing I was sober when I was drunk and dreaming of being drunk when I'm sober starts up all over again.

What worries me is like i don't care anymore. I mean I do care and dont want to get all messed up again. I got a good job after spending almost a year on unemployment which I've already got into a little trouble after having some to hungover to work days and I just KNOW if this keeps up I very well can lose my job. but it's like I don't care anymore when I still do if that makes any sence. I don't know what else to put here, just god save me from myself..... ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2652-been-drinking-past-month-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2438-day-114-sideleined-cold.html Sat, 08 Aug 2009 23:20:08 GMT Don't worry, I think I'll make it:P Seriously though who get's a damn cold in the dead of summer??? Well anyway enough of my bitching time for the update.

I've been outside of the past two days really good. I'm working again and climbing out of that hole that I was in for the past year. My mode is much more up beat. Taking a shot lately in the weight room though. Since I've started working I find that by training the way I like to leaves me pretty exhausted especially with the way I work a bit of a flip flop schedule so I'm cutting back on the loads for a while, switching over to more of a light bodybuilding routine for a while.

And most important of all I'm still sober and pretty happy with it. I'm just about where I was when I had that slip up back in April. I checked the clock and kind of bummed that I would have 230 days now. But hey, 114 is pretty damn good still. But for the most part I've had little desire for it. A few minor cravings popped up. Like when I hear some of the guys at work talking on Friday what they're gonna do over the weekend has started a few cravings. But the funny thing is when I see them drag their sorry butts back in on Monday, or sometimes even Tuesdays I'm reminded just why exactly I'm glad to be sober still. And honestly the stories I hear, it doesn't even sound remotely fun. I have to remind myself that I use to really think that was having a good time??

So I'm alive, sober and doing good. One confession though. I have traded in one addiction for another. I'm officially A World of Warcraft addict! Whenever I have some free time I'm on that now. In fact I'm only taking a break and plan on going back there as soon as I'm done with this. But I think I'll be alright. I already told a few people if I start ditching work, get togethers, gym, and stop bathing eating and beoming super pasty pale and chugging down Mt. Dews, then send in a rescue team after me!

So anyway hope everyone is doing well and having a good weekend. Oh and if you play WOW, hit me up and let me know what server you're on:c014: ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2438-day-114-sideleined-cold.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2288-day-81.html Mon, 06 Jul 2009 09:25:31 GMT Been a while since I've updated this. Real world has been singing it's Siren song and have no choice but to answer :)

Anyway things have been good, I realized the other day when I hit the sober clock that if it wasn't for that relapse back in April I would have a solid 200 days under my belt. Oh well, 81 is is pretty damn good too.

But as I said I've been pretty good, just busy. I had a rough two weeks recently. Mostly brought on by a change in my daily life routine I assume. Since I was out of work for the most part a year and just getting back to working my mind and body had to scramble to adjust to it as well as my everyday routine as well. It's a bit of a challenge since I have to do split shifts once a week but hey what they pay pay me along with these benefits I'll do it!

Though one thing that has been a obsession with me is I find myself daydreaming WAYYYY to much about the past. I swear if I seriously wanted to write a book about every little detail of my life down this would be the moment because I'm remembering everything and everyone these days.Even people I haven't seen in 10+ years that I just use to shoot the **** with at a job or in school are coming back crystal clear as if I just talked to them a few days ago!

At some points it's kinda cool going down memory lane, old times that we're had with old friends. Other times though a lot of regret and shame. Plenty of those I should of could of would of moments keep poping up. Heck at one point I really felt like looking up a old friend of mine from grade school to high school just to call and apologize for ever taking a squeaky clean good kid and nudging him down this horrible path of self destruction and hope he to came to his senses and left it behind. But I decided against it and would feel to weird if I did. I mean who's to say if it wasn't for me he would of never went down the wrong path? By the time we became of high school age if it wasn't my group it could of very easily been another.

But yeah this has been getting a little annoying at times. My mind is all over the past when it should be trying to look at and live for today. This keeps up today is going to be the past and I'll be sitting around wishing I was doing more and then watching tomorrow become the past and just watching the vicous circle go round and round! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2288-day-81.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2195-day-47-still-hanging-there.html Wed, 03 Jun 2009 05:13:32 GMT Yeah It's been a while since my last update. I'm still doing good, it's actually 47 days again, 48 by midnight but I don't count that till I'm awake after a nights sleep. Anyway been good for the most part. Have this new pup who has come in and really brightened up my moods. I was offered and accepted a really good paying job with great benefits. I can see this as possibly the job I can retire from one day! I've been living here in Kansas City now for two years and in that time I've had to take up some ****** jobs and even shittier temp jobs to make ends meet. Chased a few jobs that showed promise but feel apart. And had to deal with being unemployed and depending on unemployment to help get me by. It's been a rough ride but now it seems things are starting to happen for me!

Sobriety wise I've been good no real big cravings for it. I'm still pretty sick and disgusted by how that relapse went back in april. My mood has been better other then these last two days. I was at orientation and I had a few split moments where I would feel anxious but I had to quickly block that out of my mind and force myself to concentrate and otherwise got by ok. But by the time I left and got back home I felt exhausted and drained and feel pretty anxious for some reason. I have no clue why, I mean this job has been the best thing to happn to me since I moved here and I feel like I'm really going to like it. So why the such the jumpy jittery feelings? It's not so much the new guy jitters, I don't feel so botherd by that but It's like my mind has been run over by a tank and then put through a blender. I don't know, maybe can just chalk this up to paws.


One nice relief is after I'm there for a month is I'll have some health insurance again and I am so setting up a apointmet to have everything checked out just to make sure everything is working the way it should. I'm fairly confident that I'm physicaly healthy, it's mostly just for peace of mind since the last time I was in to see a Doctor that I didin't have to pay out the butt for was over 10 years ago. So for now my two days of orinetation are done, I get one last day off and then on Thursday they start cracking the whip! I think for right now some much needed sleep will help me followed up by a day of relaxing for one last day as a free man before I take up what may possibly be the last job that I'll ever have! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2195-day-47-still-hanging-there.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2145-3-weeks-3-good-things.html Fri, 08 May 2009 03:44:47 GMT Well after a particularly horrible few days of feeling like hell some good things are taking shape here on my side of the pond. First off today is 3 weeks sober. Still kinda gets me down knowing I... Well after a particularly horrible few days of feeling like hell some good things are taking shape here on my side of the pond. First off today is 3 weeks sober. Still kinda gets me down knowing I would be on the verge of having 5 months sober now if not for that unfortunate but in it's own weird way necessary little relapse. I've lived and learned and moving on from that and luckily the lesson is still pretty fresh in my head. So that's good, almost got another full month under my belt again.

2nd back in February my buddy Jake my Black Lab dog passed away. And anyone who knows me personally knows I still talk and get bummed out by his early passing, he was only 7 but I only had him for 2 of those years while the first 5 he was my neighbors dog but while they didn't treat him bad, they didn't treat him well either. Mostly just left him outside and neglected him. So I made friends with him and he always came up to the fence to see me when I was out and I would throw him over treats. Sometimes he would get out of the yard and when he did he made a straight line to my house to see me. Thinking back hell I could of brought him ion and chances are the neighbors probably wouldn't of cared. So anyway he was a great dog and I took his passing pretty hard. Well anyway my Mom and Sister were out Sunday shopping and they ran across a guy selling black lab pups. So as a surprise they decided to spring this little bundle of joy upon me!

That's about the best picture I can get of her so far, at least where I can get her to be awake and sit still for a while. Her names Freyja after the Norse Goddess and she's a handful. I swear she want's to make sure I get as little sleep as possible!

And thirdly after 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day (believe those odds) I'm at last a full time working man again! Oh I took a few crappy temp jobs on the side in that time but for the majority of that time I've been idle which can make you climb the walls! I dream of not having to work for a living one day but seriously I would probably get to bored! Anyway this is a old company I use to work for and it just so happen to be luck of the draw that I called the moment a opening came available. I was luckily in their good graces when I left. It's not a flashy job and I'll be working nights but hey I'll take it, at least I can take it and let out a sigh of relief, I don't know how much longer I could draw on unemployment for. But now I can work here build myself back up and then take my time while I eventually try to find something better.

So yea things are pretty good here right now, 3 weeks and 3 good bits of news! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2145-3-weeks-3-good-things.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2134-day-17-any-f-g-day-now.html Sun, 03 May 2009 16:41:56 GMT I don't know where to go. If I try to talk to my family they would just say well take it easy. While my Sister would probably just sit there with a blank stare on her face and then ask me to take her down to the store. But God, I'm so sick of feeling like constant s**t all the time! The last 3 days I wake up I'm anxious one moment depressed the next, only a few fleeting moments do I feel normal in a day. And also the last few days my stomach has been in knots. Not so much like it hurts but just uncomfortable. Then I finally got around to calling that number my cousin gave me about the free mental health care where you can go in a talk to a shrink but apparently there's a twist and what they do is if you're suicidal or homicidal they call the police to have them come pick you up and from there they evaluate you and decide if you qualify for their free program. Well f**k the last thing I want to do is have the cops come and pick me up at my house with all my neighbors watching. And I sure as hell don't feel that damn far gone. That's another thing that's been gnawing at me is that I'm still unemployed and with that no damn insurance to go see a doctor and I don't have the money to pull out of my ass to see one.

Look I know that this will all lift eventually, the sun will shine again and all that. I know drinking will only be a temporary boost followed by a even bigger let down then what I have now. But man, ONE!!! damn relapse after 4 months and I feel like I'm going through the very early stages of recovery again. At the start of April I was feeling so much more better but then one slip later I'm right back in the emotional hell hole again.

If anything let this be a lesson to some of you who have a little time under your belt, feeling better and hear that voice going off in your head again. Even one "harmless" little night of drinking will be enough to kick your butt and make you go through all the hoops again! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2134-day-17-any-f-g-day-now.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2116-day-12.html Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:29:20 GMT Day 12 and going strong. Actually not much to really post here, my mood has been stable. Still get bouts of feeling restless like last night just out of the blue I felt like i had to get up and do... Day 12 and going strong. Actually not much to really post here, my mood has been stable. Still get bouts of feeling restless like last night just out of the blue I felt like i had to get up and do something but there was nothing to do. I've really been getting into my video games again. I use to be a big gamer years ago but it kind of fizzled out as I got older and drank more and at most I would pop in a game, mess around with it for a while then turn it off. But for the last few days I've been spending day and night on them, so hey whatever keeps me distracted in my free time. Also been chowing down alot. Over the weekend was my Sisters birthday, I BBQ on Friday and made meatloaf on Saturday so both days I stuffed myself full. Then yesterday I gorged out again! Need to control that, maybe once or twice month that's alright but not for a few days like that!

But anyway I've been feeling pretty good other then the restless bouts I've been having. Hopefully once a job comes through that should help with that. Also should help with the isolation. I know I said previously I was going to start going back to AA after this relapse but once again I find myself going...ehh....maybe tomorrow. I just wasn't the biggest fan of it in the past. I know though deep inside I should do it but I'm stubborn what can I say? But for now everything is alright and I'm sober for today, and that's all I could ask for. ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2116-day-12.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2112-day-10.html Sun, 26 Apr 2009 16:22:11 GMT Finally feeling more human now after that last screw up. I had a few cravings, one day in particular was pretty bad but luckily the Arnold side of my brain spoke up and said "Shut the f!uck up" and they went away. Initially I was pretty spooked because usually after a relapse with so much sober time it's not easy to climb back out and the feelings for drinking are stronger then they were before. But I assume since it was overall a pretty bad and humiliating experience followed up by a few days where I felt like I was going through a milder version of the detox I did back in December that so far I'm no worse for wear. But anyway I luckily am able to make a quick bounce back and I'm going to make it my number one goal in life to keep it that way. There is nothing left back there but pain and I'm learning a bad day sober beats the hell out of a good day drunk! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2112-day-10.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2104-week-one.html Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:29:47 GMT Man am I glad to say that! Today is 1 week sober again, I'm on the way to re-building myself back up to where I was before that unfortunate, but necessary slip up. One thing I am surprised by all this was having to go through mini detox. Two even one year ago just one night heavy drinking followed up by a few days off I would of been fine. But I had the signs of detox going on for the first few days. Skin crawling bad anxiety, bouts of bad depression, rapid heart beat, mild body tremors, crazy thoughts popping into my head you know it was bad. But it was pretty mild to my original quit date back in December when I was binging for a few months straight, quit drinking, and then followed up by being the sickest I've ever gotten in my life.

I thought I learned my lesson then, but as stated this relapse was a necessary evil I feel that had to happen. It proved to me that with a lot of sober time and overall feeling better then what I was that you can still never go back and be cured from drinking and it will be as fun and as harmless as it was when I first started drinking 17 years ago. So I made my mistake, lived and learn from it and moving in my life. ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2104-week-one.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2096-day-4.html Sun, 19 Apr 2009 16:21:58 GMT Day 4 and hanging strong. I was hoping with just one night of drinking that I would knock out the initial hangover day and be fine and back to where I was. I don't seem to be so lucky with that though. Granted it is way more mild then what it would be like if I went out and drank for a month straight but still it is irritating all the same. I woke up feeling pretty good yesterday but right around mid day I put on the cards and cubs game, lye on the couch and watched it. Then right out of left field I was hit with some skin crawling bad anxiety. If anyone knows what it's like to feel the effects of LSD come on and start feeling spooked by it, that's sort of what it's like. My vision started to feel distorted, not like I was seeing snakes and spiders but like corner out of my eye the wall would seem to shimmy some. But when I turned my head it was normal. And from the rest of the day on I was on edge.

I've been sleeping good, eating good and takng my vitamins with taking double b and c vitamins. But I did notice yeterday was the only time I took normal amounts instead of the extra, so maybe that was it? Either way though it was a firm reminder of how much destruction alchol can do to the system and no matter how long I may have sober the effects are always going to be the same if I go back to it. And if I was to ever go back and keep drinkning for so many years it will only become worse then it would right now.

Anyway day 4 is underway. Thinking about yesterday has me feeling a little uncomfortable but I'll be fine I'm sure. I have my Aunts Bday to go to today so I think being with family should help keep my mind off it, sometimes that's the biggest help when dealing with these situations. And then tomorrow I'll be back to my lifting. I only trained 1 day this week and decided to take the rest of the week off to let my body relax and do the work it has to to flush out the system. I'm sure by day 5 I should be good to go again. ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2096-day-4.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2093-day-3.html Sat, 18 Apr 2009 16:01:12 GMT I can't seem to be able to delete past blog entries. I wanted to delete all but the previous one before this and that way it would feel like I was working with a clean streak, oh well.

Welp here we are at day 3 after my relapse of 4 months sober. I've done gone past the stage of beating myself up over it. Actually now I'm looking at it as a blessing of sorts. First off nothing real bad came out of the experience other then blowing $25 that I shouldn't have, but it's pretty minor. About the most stupid thing I did was log into myspace account and start posting messages and sending emails that were real ****ed up. And I luckily enough by the time I woke up checked back in and all but 2 were read. I got ahold of one person and told them what was up and they sympathized with my problem and everything is cool. The other called here while I was still passed out wanting to check on me and see if everything is alright. I've yet to get back in touch with them but I plan on getting back on myspace today and restarting my account and letting them know what's up. As for the rest who are not in know of what happened I'll just say something else, they never need to know any way.

And my whole experience with the relapse played out to the letter. The sad thing is I could of stopped myself but I didn't. Granted the urge was really playing over in my head over and over again. But by the time I parked and went in it stopped. That's when the urge left and the voice saying just walk away, buy a juice, soda or whatever but just walk away from the beer was going. But I said fu*k it I'm already here might as well see this through. So I get my beer home feel half guilty and half excited and take that first drink. I wont lie it felt pretty good and refreshing, my old friend coming back in to say hello again. Started getting that warm tingling feeling and from there all I could think of was MORE!!! And I drank more! It did seem like fun, I had a few people over and we were having some laughs and having fun, I was thinking I'm back. I can handle getting drunk once a month and maybe on the weekend having a few beers. It felt exciting, kind of like that feeling when you get in a drought and don't have sex for a long time then you finally get some and it feels like it's the best you ever had.

But that feeling didn't last to long. My company left but I don't remember that to well and I took a quick nap. When I woke up I felt like I was under the light with the judge jury and executioner of my mind standing over me pointing a accusing finger. And any rational thinking I had was thrown out and it was time to get more beer and get away from this feeling. From there everything was foggy, my mind was a whirlwind of insanity. Luckily I didn't attempt to leave the house or start calling people up and just had to delete a myspace account and feel foolish to two people. Pretty minor damage compared to what I'm really capable of.

And the hangover...oh god the HANGOVER! Well honestly at first I felt not to bad. But like everything else it played out like I knew it would. As time went on and more alcohol was leaving my body it really kicked in. It was another living nightmare, my previous blog is a pretty good indicator of that. And that's when it was a bit milder to the point where I could handle sitting down and typing. Most other times I'm so wound up and freaking out I cant force myself to sit still. I spend the time pacing around and going insane for a little while it's a real mess.

All in all I drank about a case worth of beer on my relapse, all of my extras I dumped out and threw away all the evidence. Day 2 was alright I felt a little shaky through the first part of the day but by late afternoon after forcing myself to clean house and get some dinner I was alright. Had some quiet time to myself and started thinking about the whole relapse and trying to pin point where I went wrong at and what I've could of done to avoid it. First problem ex-girlfriends, there's a reason why they are a ex. We were no good for eachother then and nothing now is going to make us good for eachother now. Second problem was I allowed myself to get worked up. I was taking proper measures of avoiding it for those two weeks it was like a buzzsaw in my head. But on that day I was rolling with the idea to much if that makes sense? Kind of like re-enacting drinking in my head and having "fun" with it. Thinking about those good old days and what not. So I kind of lied when I said in a thread of mine I was doing everything I could to avoid the urge. Well I was except the day I had my relapse.

So I've identified what went wrong. But really I feel like maybe this was for the best. it was like the final piece of the puzzle to really get back up and do it for real this time. I've learned one crucial lesson from all of this it's that no matter how long we stay sober. Be it 4 months, 4 years, or 40 years nothing will change in the way I react to it. it was lying dormant just waiting for me to slip up again. Everything happened just the way I thought it would. And I'm glad that it was a bad experience. If it was somehow a fun experience I would defiantly disappear for who knows how long this time and probably wind up right back here if I was lucky enough to come back.

So today I feel is a new day. The urge will be back again, I guess there will never be a cure for that. But I feel as my last relapse was the final one. I've lifted my ban on AA and giving it another try. There's a meeting at noon I'll be going to and another one at 7pm I might hit. It would be good to do at least in the short term and get ahold of some fellow alcoholics in real life. It's a new dawn and a new chapter in recovery. ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2093-day-3.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2087-starting-over-again.html Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:57:03 GMT Well I finally caved in and drank last night. It seem like fun for a while till I got more drunk then after that I was out of my head with crazy thoughts. Thought I better get on here and write... Well I finally caved in and drank last night. It seem like fun for a while till I got more drunk then after that I was out of my head with crazy thoughts. Thought I better get on here and write something about how I'm feeling so next time I feel tempted to drink I have a nice reminder about how un-fun drinking really is. Right now my heart is hammering in my chest. Last I checked it was 130 something which luckily isint so bad but really annoying and causing me lots of anxiety. I can't seem to think or even talk straight even though when I was on the phone earlier I was able to talk fine and make sence to whoever was on the other end. Just part of the anxiety syptoms like the heavy dreadead feeling that something bad can happen at any moment. I was unable to sit or lye down since I was so worked up, feels like if I had any hair on my head I would of torn it out by now. God I only hope this is the last time I put myself through this. At first I was thinking I was going to get away pain free from this but as the day went on it all started back up again but lesson learned I guess. 4 moths clean, maybe next time I'll have 4 years. Screw that how about no drinking for the rest of my life? At this point and time that sounds like a wonderfull idea. Just need to get past this dreadead first day, then it's time to start over agin. At least I didin't lose any ground I gained and still have a realively clean streak to work with. ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2087-starting-over-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2085-i-cant-seem-make-change.html Wed, 15 Apr 2009 17:24:47 GMT My first 3 month sober I had very little desire to ever pick up another drink. I swear i could of had my fridge full of beer and my cabinets stocked of liquor and I wouldn't of hardly gave it a second thought to crack any of them open but these last 2 weeks almost every damn day the idea is popping into my head. Somedays stronger, other days not so, but still it's there. I've even caught myself imagining talking to people and instead of saying i don't drink I'm thinking I'm not drinking for the moment, just having a break. I go through in my head all the bad sh*t that's happened to me that lead me to stoping in the first plase. Seeing my brother go over the edge and losing his life to it. Even trying to get up to distract myself with house work or exercise only seems to work for so long. During it I'm still thinking about it or after I sit back down it comes back in my head! All I can think about is how nice it would be to fill up my cooler, sit outside in the nice weather, maybe call some people over and have a bbq and just get hammered......even though I know it's not what I want to do, but I want to do it!! God save me from myself!!! ]]> Bard http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/bard/2085-i-cant-seem-make-change.html