Day 17...any f*****g day now!

I don't know where to go. If I try to talk to my family they would just say well take it easy. While my Sister would probably just sit there with a blank stare on her face and then ask me to take her down to the store. But God, I'm so sick of feeling like constant s**t all the time! The last 3 days I wake up I'm anxious one moment depressed the next, only a few fleeting moments do I feel normal in a day. And also the last few days my stomach has been in knots. Not so much like it hurts but just uncomfortable. Then I finally got around to calling that number my cousin gave me about the free mental health care where you can go in a talk to a shrink but apparently there's a twist and what they do is if you're suicidal or homicidal they call the police to have them come pick you up and from there they evaluate you and decide if you qualify for their free program. Well f**k the last thing I want to do is have the cops come and pick me up at my house with all my neighbors watching. And I sure as hell don't feel that damn far gone. That's another thing that's been gnawing at me is that I'm still unemployed and with that no damn insurance to go see a doctor and I don't have the money to pull out of my ass to see one.

Look I know that this will all lift eventually, the sun will shine again and all that. I know drinking will only be a temporary boost followed by a even bigger let down then what I have now. But man, ONE!!! damn relapse after 4 months and I feel like I'm going through the very early stages of recovery again. At the start of April I was feeling so much more better but then one slip later I'm right back in the emotional hell hole again.

If anything let this be a lesson to some of you who have a little time under your belt, feeling better and hear that voice going off in your head again. Even one "harmless" little night of drinking will be enough to kick your butt and make you go through all the hoops again!