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Always cheating death

Aysha — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 23:35:39 GMT

Seems ever since before I was born I have been cheating death. My mom was on her way to have an abortion with me and my dad stopped her.
I remember being like 5 or 6 and camping and I was standing like 10 feet away from a cliffs edge and some kid came and pushed me. I fell to my butt and slid with my feet hanging over the sides. I ran to a bench and wouldnt move. My cousin had to pick me up and carry me back to camp.
Another time when I was 11 same camp grounds. Iw as hiking and we were walking down a steep hill that had pebbles all over it. At the bottom it curved and there was a cliffs edge. I started sliding uncontrollably and stopped wiht my legs up to my knees hangin over the edge. I think I may have **** myself on that one.
Not to mention the countless times I have almost died in the streets. Almost strangles by soem dude. Getting shot. Had lots of shot guns and pistols put to my head. Been shot at. Jumped. Almost killed myself.
Almost sucked out to sea in at the beach one time. Chased by huge sting rays.
Soemtimes I wish my dad didnt stop my mom.
But I have to wonder how the hell I am even still here.
So many times I should have been dead.
I dont know if this is some cruel joke or do I really have a purpose?

Having a really bad day.

Aysha — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:50:44 GMT

I cant stop thinking about my ex and how he died. It is one thing to just die. But it is something else all together to be killed. And being killed by just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I know I havent spoken to or seen him in almost 10 yrs. But I laways think about him from time to time. I always loved him.
He is the one who ripped my heart out when our baby died. He didnt come home to be with me. He went out and got drunk and was missing all night instead. While I was at home ripping my hair out and crying hysterically all night. He didnt even go with me when I had to go have the D & C to have the baby removed.

He also cheated on me more than once. Got me smoking crack again full force. Made us homeless in Daytona because of crack.Wasnt man enough to tell me he didnt want to e together anymore. Instead just ignored me and avoided me. And after a month of me wondering and buggin him. He finally told me he was with a stripper at the club he worked in.

So why would I care? Because we were together a long time. He gave me a life inside me. Somehting I was told I could never have. Even tho I lost the baby at 5 mos. It was still our baby. He was a good man most of the time. And not until the drugs came into the picture did it all go to ****. That was like the last 2 yrs of our relationship. Drugs and fighting.

He was smart and very goal oriented. I know he was doing good when this happened to him.

He is still the father of my baby regardless. I still love him to this day. And its just so hard to think that he is gone. That he was murdered over some petty BS that he had nothgin to do with.

He was to start a new afternoon radio gig in WV on a classic Rock station 2 mos after he died. He always wanted to get back into radio. That was his passion. And that genre was perfect for him. He loves rock and classic rock especially. I know it would have been exactly what he has wanted for so long.

I know in time I will get over it. But right now I am sad. In shock. And just blank.

I know it is probably stupid of me to even feel like this since he has been out of my life for so long. And he has been dead for 3 and a half years. But its all new to me. And I have kept him alive all these years in the back of my heart and mind.

What a shame. What a loss of life. It makes me angry and sad. I just dont know what to think.

Blogged cause I have been posting threads too much. I dont really need support. Just need to get this out and of my mind. Venting and ranting.

Freaking out again over things I can not control

Aysha — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 19:26:08 GMT

As always with me. Losing a job after relapsing causes alot of stress and obsessing and problems. Not only from the consequences of losing things while relapsing. But in trying to get things back. Financial consequences are always the biggest.
The job market is rediculous. I feel like I am screwed this time.
I have so many things that need to be paid.
Social services requires that you go to their office 3 to 4 times a week to get job seeking training and to fill out 10 applications a week in order for them to grant temporary assistance. And then its still 45 days before benefits are given.
it is near impossible for me to go there 3 to 4 times a week with no job and no way to pay for gas. There is no public transportation where I live.
Its like I am just stuck at the moment.
I did it to myself. I do this everytime. Its not liek I didnt know this would happen. I know it all too well.
It gets harder and harder everytime.
I cant stop obsessing. I feel sick and anxious and I know it doesnt do any good.
I need to stop this cycle. It has to stop now.
I am running out of chances and options. I have burned so many brodges it isnt even funny. The next move would be to relocate in order to have a chance at finding any kind of employment. I have exhausted almost every job I am qualified for in and around my area. Thats pretty sad. And that is alot of bridges burned.
I wish I could stop obsessing.

I feel like I can breathe again

Aysha — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 06:36:39 GMT

What hell i have been in for weeks now. Self made prison of depression and self pity.
I seriously thought I was giving up.
That was very new for me. I never stay down like that. And definately never that long.
It is a dark, cold, lonely place to be.
Alone in my mind with nothing but regret and sadness.
I dont know what happened tonight. But I just snapped out of it all of a sudden. I read a PM from a really good friend who has been going through some depressing times too. And the postivity of 2 sentences just smack me in the head. It woke me up. I was like..Oh yea...Thats exactly it!
I feel alive again. I feel like I can move forward. No matter what happens I am goin to try. And always keep trying.
I never ever want to sink into the depths of hell like I did the past few weeks. It is a very scary place to be. To feel like there is no hope.
My whole life has been an endless cycle of starting over again and again. But at least I keep starting over. I cant sit at the bottom forever.
Hopefully this is what it took for me to really get serious. I cant keep doing this **** anymore.
There was a post in one of my threads. Anna said I been doing this so long that it is exhausting me. And she couldnt have been more dead on. I am tired of it. Tired of fighting with myself all the time. It doesnt have to be that way.
Because eventually it will destroy me.
I gotta put everything into this. Not next time. But right now.
No matter what it takes. I have to do it.
I dont like the darkness. I am afraid of the dark.
New day...Another start. This will be the last do over.

I cant shake this sadness

Aysha — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 23:25:44 GMT

I guess I am tired of whining on the boards. And I know everyone is sick of hearing it. So I will whine to myslef here. So long as I can get it out and not keep it in.
Today is the first holiday where my family has been segregated. Why? because of me. My family is the type that will use any excuse to get together and have dinner. Or just get together in general. Any and every holiday, nice warm day or just because. We usually all go to my aunts for dinner. Summertime is a BBQ everyday almost.
My grams stayed home with me for St Patricks day because of what I did to my aunt a few weeks ago. Her and my cousins havent talked to me since. I havent even seen any of them and they live right behind me.
I dont like this. Not one bit. Its my own fault.
But I know my grams isnt goin to leave me alone on days like this. So she has to suffer along with me as usual.
I am such an idiot. Its goin to take alot of work on my part to get forgiveness on this one.
OMG..We are usually always so close. Now its like I am all alone.
I wouldnt want to be around me either. Actually I would have done it years ago.
This is my worst fear. I am getting a huge taste of what it is like to have noone.
I couldnt even lookm any of them in the face anyway. I am so ashamed of myself.

Job..JOb..Job..Job..Job

Aysha — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 21:56:57 GMT

I need a job!!
The need for fulltime employees is nonexistant right now.
Hell..there arent even too many partime job openings.
I have burned so many bridges.
I cant live on 20 hrs a week. I should have stayed at the last job. As much as it was driving me nuts. I am sorry I left now. '
At least it was a sure thing for 40+ hrs.
I did reapply today. But they will be doing that background check. So I know I wont be able to go back.
I friggin hate drugs.
I just had to get that out before I friggin lost it.

Had a great 2 days

Aysha — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:52:12 GMT

I dont know why. Or how..and dont really care. But since yesterday and all day today. I have felt just content. Warm..peaceful..calm..Happy..relaxed.
I havent felt this good in months.
Been listening to music all since last night. And I am just good right now.
I needed it.
It gives me a chance to gather my thoughts. Keep my mind on the task ahead. Without all the stress and BS I have been dealing with the past 2 months.
I know I will be stressed again sometime. But right now ..I am milkin this natural high for all I can.

Man..What a great day I had.

Do you ever feel like your losing your mind?

Aysha — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:29:16 GMT

I feel like I am coming undone in a serious way.
Hard to explain why. But I feel like I am not well.
The more I talk..the more I feel I need to shut up.
Second guessing.
I have gotten real insecure again.
I never cared what anyone thought. But now I am like obsessing how I come off to people.
WHY?
This me as a teenager all over again.
I havent felt like this since high school.
I feel stupid even posting this.

Can I get off now?

Aysha — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:05:13 GMT

I am on the worst friggin emotional, mental, negative, angry ride ever.
I can not get my attitude or outlook in check. I want to just climb in a hole and hide.
This anger is not going away. Work is making it worse. The people I deal with all day are the most miserable, disrespectful a$$holes I have ever had the luck to deal with in my life.
I never relized how many people are so friggin rude before.
People are F****ing miserable F***s.
My work is suffering and I have been told this by a trainer and my supervisor. Tney can tell I am just squeeking by. I am not showing concern. Just doing the very minimum I have to to get through the calls. And I was honest. I told her I have been going through it and they are mostly mean and disrespectful and I really have no interest in being anything more than what I need to be to get the work just done.
No extra efforts or special concern coming from me lately.
I cant take the attitudes anymore. I am going to lose it.
Normally I would just laugh it off when people get like that. That is so hepful for me. I dont usually get angry or think twice about people being a$$holes cause I will just laugh at em and carry on. But that is cause for termination there. So they would rather I not just sheke it off with a little chuckle and get irrate and be miserable and want to slap the **** out of people instead.
My friend at work was messing with me while i was in a call the other night and i slipped and just let out a tiny little ha and they picked up on it and told me the customer can hear it. SO friggin what. Its not like Iw as laughing at them and was distracted. I just let out a tiny little laugh and carried on.
I want to scream. This job is not good for my mental and emotional well being. I can see this.
I am going to just bear it for a little while longer until I get some appts going and get some things with my health and recovery back on track and it time to get the hell out of there before I end up in the paper for killing someone. I want to physically hurt people. I ahvent felt like this ever I dont think. not this long or to this degree. It affecting me all the time anywhere I go.
I ahte being miserable. And so does everyone else.
I almost let it trip me up in my recovery the other night. I went as far as dialing the dealers number. But hung up on the first ring. That is too close for me.
Now I know it is still on. I am so glad I have the will to fight now. Before I wouldnt have even tried.
I will not try again if I screw up again. I am so dead serious when I say if I ever do go back out there. I am done. I will not go throught this again.
Its all in my hands. I am doing good thus far. And plan on fighting with everything in me. But I will not come back if I ever do screw up again. I do promise that.I wont be able to do it again. I just dont have it in me to fall and get back up again.
I am so fed up.
What do I have to do to get some relief from all this stress and anger??
Its suppose to get easier my a$$.
Its getting harder. Good thing I can roll with the punches.
Good thing I want to live more than I want to die.
I dont know how some people do it and are just like la di da.
This is the most awful..miserable..crazy..mebatl case thing I have ever had to endure in my life.

Nobody loves me..Everybody hates me

Aysha — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:27:46 GMT

Guess I'll eat some worms..

No point..Just sayin.

It amused me for 10 seconds. Time for bed..Oh the things we do now that we dont use anymore..

Stuck in a rut

Aysha — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 06:32:00 GMT

I dont feel like doing $hit. I am tired. I am bored.
I am sick of just going to work and home. Not having a car. Not having any money. No friends that are not in the drug scene. Eating like a freakin pig. No energy. Too dam lazy to even walk around the block. Sad all the time. For no reason. I dont even want to be here typing this right now. I dont want to lay in bed. I just dont want to do anything.
WTF is going on?
Dont want to get high tho. Thats the good part. I think I have had my share of that BS for awhile.
Last run scared me strait for a good long while. Seeing people I hung with in the paper getting arrested is a good deterent. Knowing theres nothing over there except a bunch of stress and BS. I am over that for awhile.
But I wish I could get out of this funk.
My life isnt bad. It doesnt suck. So why do I feel like it does?
I could be sitting in jail with the rest of them. Then I would really have something to complain about.
I feel stuck. Menatlly and emotionally.
SIGH...What more do I need?

Having anxiety tonight.

Aysha — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 07:26:07 GMT

Its been awhile since I have had some serious mind racing anxiety.
I dont know why.
I guess between the weekend I had nd just thinking too much.
I found out social services knows I am working now. and they sent me renewals for my medical and food stamps. I make too much for them now. I was going to let my cycle run out and not renew. But they are going to cut it off now. I still had 2 more months of food stamps and 6 mos of medical. With my back the way it is. I am screwed. I have to pay the courts $400 by Nov. Have to save for a car. Still catching up bills. Money is always my problem. I cant afford all this and groceries and medical bills too. Not right now while I am catching up. In a few months no problem.
Nothing I can do. I know. But it still beats in my mind anyway.

My back is really bad right now. I cant even sleep or move hardly. I cant miss anymore work.
I dont know what to do now.

Gotta strat doing something about my weight and try and quirt smoking. I cant afford cigarettes either. But with all this. I dont know if I can stay sane and not snap all the time without them.

Life on lifes terms.

I know it will all work out somehow.

But it sucks waiting for it to happen.

Definately not going to get high. Not even an option. Isnt even crossing my mind.

Where are you groceryheadhunt

Aysha — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:46:05 GMT

I really miss your daily posts!!!

Trying not to freak out

Aysha — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:17:02 GMT

Well..I spoke too soon about the car.
I am now dodging the repo man everyday.
I spotted him Fri night. But since my car was at my cousins. They didnt get it.
Sun morning. Grams goes out to get the paper and runs right into him.
I guess she talked the kid into feeling bad for her and he said just dont say anyting that she saw him. And he even told her what to do so they dont get it. Like when his boss comes looking instead of him.
LOL..Yea grams can work it too.
But I just hope they dont go looking further than my house and not through the neighborhood.
Because my cousin only lives on the next street and around the corner.
I dont need this right now.
I am stressed enough.
I cant make the required payment for another 2 weeks.
My grams wont call anyone and ask for a loan. Like my 2 aunts who she has given plenty money to. She gave my one aunt 10K 5 yrs ago to pay off her car for her to turn around and sell it.
But she wont call her and ask. She is so scared of everyone. I hear all the BS she has to say about em all. But dam if she doesnt have the guts to say anything to them. She kisses their asses and I hear all the BS.
WTF. So she's getting mad at me because she's too scared to grow a backbone.
Its my fault we are in this position. I take full responsibility for it.
But if she is goinng to keep telling me its her car and this and that.
I was ready to give it back before I got this job. I was fine with finding a job closer to home. But she pressured me into NOT going inpatient and getting a job. But now that theres a problem its MY car and MY problem.
My grandmother can be selfish too.
Alot of her motives are money driven and I cant stand it.
When I was missing for 6 days at a time there for the past month and a half. It was all she said. Get that car home. Nothing about am I ok or anyhting about that. It was all about the car.
Now its on the repo list..Its my car.
And of course she has to throw my addiciton in my face again and again.

Me and my grandmothers relationship is very strained lately.
I want to move and get away from her for awhile. At least get out on my own. WHere I dont have to live with her.
She thinks I cant make it without her.
Maybe I cant. But then ..maybe I could.
I am just tired of it.
SOmethings gotta change.
And soon.

Here we go again

Aysha — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 20:36:03 GMT

Yea..I know the drill....But geez..It really gets to me sometimes. the past almost 2 weeks have been drug dreams like crazy every night.
The past few nights have been needle dreams. I have never used a needle before.
So why am I dreaming about it?
I am not actually using in my dreams. Which is great. Because those are the worst. but they are drug dreams all the same.
I got my first check last night. I was so friggin nervous all night.
The thoughts rolled around. But you know..I am happy to say. Theyw ere meaningless. No real substance to them. And they were gone as quick as they came.
Next check I will have in my possession. After that. They will be directly deposited into my grams account.
I have been very very lucky in all my years of addiction.
I am not dead..Not sick..not locked up.
I have a great life. I have everything I need to survive and then some.
I have been so blessed.
It is really sinking in now. After so many years of thinking I was untouchable.
I am really finally relizing...I am just as touchable as the next person.
And with me. Knowing and really believing that finally.
Is making a huge difference.
I know the dreams will go away soon.
but I just dont like the needle dreams.
I dont get it.,