Having a really bad day.

I cant stop thinking about my ex and how he died. It is one thing to just die. But it is something else all together to be killed. And being killed by just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I know I havent spoken to or seen him in almost 10 yrs. But I laways think about him from time to time. I always loved him.
He is the one who ripped my heart out when our baby died. He didnt come home to be with me. He went out and got drunk and was missing all night instead. While I was at home ripping my hair out and crying hysterically all night. He didnt even go with me when I had to go have the D & C to have the baby removed.

He also cheated on me more than once. Got me smoking crack again full force. Made us homeless in Daytona because of crack.Wasnt man enough to tell me he didnt want to e together anymore. Instead just ignored me and avoided me. And after a month of me wondering and buggin him. He finally told me he was with a stripper at the club he worked in.

So why would I care? Because we were together a long time. He gave me a life inside me. Somehting I was told I could never have. Even tho I lost the baby at 5 mos. It was still our baby. He was a good man most of the time. And not until the drugs came into the picture did it all go to ****. That was like the last 2 yrs of our relationship. Drugs and fighting.

He was smart and very goal oriented. I know he was doing good when this happened to him.

He is still the father of my baby regardless. I still love him to this day. And its just so hard to think that he is gone. That he was murdered over some petty BS that he had nothgin to do with.

He was to start a new afternoon radio gig in WV on a classic Rock station 2 mos after he died. He always wanted to get back into radio. That was his passion. And that genre was perfect for him. He loves rock and classic rock especially. I know it would have been exactly what he has wanted for so long.

I know in time I will get over it. But right now I am sad. In shock. And just blank.

I know it is probably stupid of me to even feel like this since he has been out of my life for so long. And he has been dead for 3 and a half years. But its all new to me. And I have kept him alive all these years in the back of my heart and mind.

What a shame. What a loss of life. It makes me angry and sad. I just dont know what to think.

Blogged cause I have been posting threads too much. I dont really need support. Just need to get this out and of my mind. Venting and ranting.