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Leaving (1)

28Days — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:20:19 GMT

I know I shouldn�t be sad, I mean I�ll be heading back in one month. Four weeks. It�s nothing to be too heartbroken about. I�m going home to all my friends. My old life. Maybe that�s why it�s so hard. My old life. Not my new life. My new life is here in Vancouver. I�ve built this whole new life, I�m different now. I don�t want to go back anymore. I miss my friends more than anything...but I�m scared that I won�t fit in the same way as I used to. Things have changed so much. I�ve been gone a year. A year changes a lot. I�m not the same, and neither are my friends...neither is Calgary. So much has happened...what if I end up being an outside like I used to be? What if in the end ...I don�t fit in, just as it was when I was younger...I know that sounds crazy, �cause they�re still all my friends, I�ve been back in the last year, and we�ve all kept in touch pretty well...but the thought still lingers in my head whenever I try to imagine spending time with everyone back home. I think about Calgary, and I don�t really think of it as home. I don�t think of anywhere as home to be honest. I get excited to see my friends. Have my bed back. See my dog. Know my way around, even with my eyes closed. But otherwise, I�m not excited about the city. I think about Vancouver...I don�t have anyone left here really. Very few friends left. But I�m excited about it. Everything about Vancouver makes me excited. Whenever I talk about it I can�t stop talking about it.

I finished my last project on Tuesday night. Wednesday night I spent getting my apartment ready to be packed up. Thursday was the day that everything got packed up. It wasn�t as hard as I thought. I was lucky that it wasn�t me packing all my stuff into boxes. I had my family doing it while I was in class all day. When they left with all my stuff that night, I sat there, in the middle of my empty apartment..just looking around...I felt kind of sad...but not really. It was like I wasn�t feeling anything towards it at all. I just went to bed. Friday morning I said goodbye to my roommate. Again, not sad, her and I didn�t get along. After she left I left my keys in the apartment mailbox and walked out of the building forever. Sure, there was a twinge of sadness, I lived here for a year, and I was leaving friends behind in the building. But to be honest...It felt good to walk out of those double doors for good. Knowing I never had to return. After class, leaving the school for the last time, I felt nothing. No sadness, no happiness, no pride..nothing. I really didn�t care. I spent my last night with friends. We didn�t go out and party. We didn�t get drunk. We didn�t paint the town red. We went and sat at the water front in the park..played some pool...got some dinner....wandered around downtown...and then caught a late night horror movie. Something so simple...was amazing. It was one of my best nights. I was with friends. This morning was harder than I ever could have imagined. Kaylan and I woke up...and just sat. Watched some tv. Enjoyed the fact that we were together. Then it came time for me to leave. I said goodbye to her dog, Jack, who has become like my dog too. He didn�t understand of course, but he knew that something was happening, and it was something that was supposed to make him sad. Then I looked over at Kaylan. She was already tearing up. I sighed and took her keys off my keychain and set them down on the table between us. Why is this so hard? I go to say goodbye. We�re gonna be tough. No tears. No sappy goodbyes. Kaylan�s lip quivers...and that�s enough for me and I begin to cry. So does she. I hug her and we just stand there. Laughing and crying. I�m going to see her in 4 weeks. We�ll be back for graduation. Then I�m going out to Ontario to see her in March. We�re talking about moving back to Vancouver together in the spring. So..before it gets any harder I stiffen up that upper lip. Pick up my bag. Say goodbye to Jack. Hug her once more. And walk out that door for the last time. I held it together until I got to the elevator. I felt silly crying, but I couldn�t help it. This girl means the world to me. She taught me so much. I changed for the better because of her. She�s this amazing girl. She�s tough as nails. I have never felt so happy before, until I started sharing her view on life more. I�m stronger now. More upbeat. More outgoing. Independent. I will never forget her influence. She was my family here. Her and Jack Daniels. I lived here with them. It was my home too. This apartment will b sold soon. It won�t be ours anymore. It�s the ending of yet another chapter in my life. I wasn�t ready for it to end. It was too short.

3.

28Days — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 07:43:15 GMT

Why are you trying to believe him...believe the best in him? You watched him pack up his bong and his pipe to go off for a day of school work and classes. Do you really think it's so no one will find it in his room? Of course not. You know better. If he can break his word, when he swore on his sister...nothing matters. Nothing will ever get any better. He's changed his story regularly. It's over. Get over it you stupid child.

Stop texting him. Stop letting him get under your skin. You shouldn't be that happy when you get a message from him. And you shouldn't feel disappointed when he takes a while, or when he stops. So what he sounds like he used to. So what he says things like he used to. Does it really change anything that you're waking up to those cute good morning texts again? Does it erase all the pain he caused when he picked you up to hug you? Does it take back all the hurtful things that he said when he pulled you into him? What about that time he said that he wished you were more like her? Did that kiss change that? Take it back? Did his nice gesture take back that horrendous day? Okay, maybe he is acting a little better. Actually trying. Who knows. Maybe it's an act. Or maybe it will change again soon. You won't even be in the same province. Don't get trapped. It's a blessing that it's over. Let it stay that way.

...why are you falling back into it...

No no no..Bad bad bad

28Days — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 05:46:33 GMT

Bad girl! Why are you doing this!? Stop it. You're trapping yourself you stupid child. You know that. Nothing has changed and you know that. Don't listen to him. Don't let it change anything with you. You can't. You've been doing so well! Things have been great. You've been happy. Things haven't been this great since before the drugs took him away. I know you want it to go back to that way, but it never will. It just won't. Get used to that. You will NOT be hanging out with him. He's sweet talking you. I know you just want to go back to even just being with him for stress relief, but that is so toxic. So bad for you. Don't subject yourself to that! Smarten the f-ck up you stupid child. Before you lose everything that you've built back up.

Why did you contact him like that? Why haven't you stopped yet!? He's sweet talking you!!! You stupid git..

I really hate you for letting him do this.

Happy Hearts (1)

28Days — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 05:45:41 GMT

In the last year, there's been times where I felt amazing, but it wasn't healthy, and it was never truly happy. Today, I felt better than I have in so long. Today wasn't anything special..I mean, I woke up, talked to my best friend that is in China, got ready, went to a friends to do homework, went out for lunch, went to class, had a cute guy ask me out, found out that my tattoo sketch is ready, somehow survived a boring class and came home. Since then I've been bored out of my mind. So why exactly do I feel great?

As much as I miss him. As much as it sucks. As much as I wish he was still himself, and by my side...I'm okay now. I think I'm finding my peace finally. It still hurts. I still cry. But it's not the same.

I feel somehow...lighter. I've realized that...I did everything I could. I fought long and I fought hard and I fought smart. It wasn't enough. Maybe there was more I could have done. Maybe I could have done things differently. Maybe I could have held on a bit longer. But in the end, it wouldn't have made a difference. I held on longer than most would have at this age. I held on through so much. Most would have walked away. I did what I could. One day, he will realize that. And if he doesn't, I just need to be greatful that I wasn't there to witness his demise. Does that mean I care any less? Of course not. It breaks my heart to know it ended this way. It shouldn't have. And I know that.

Before, I would bet that he still cares about me. But now, I'm really not too sure. After everything went sour, and police were involved, he hated me. He was saying nasty horrible things and trashing me to anyone that would listen. Then...I let him see what it was doing to me..We texted from 6pm till about midnight. Then 4am until about 9am. (You don't stay up texting that late/early with someone if you don't want to talk to them). He sounded almost like himself again. He suddenly talked....nice. He was telling me that he believed in me, that I'm strong and I'll make it through all this stress. That hopefully he won't be a stress in my life much longer. He showed concerned for my sudden weight loss. Just like always, was trying to encourage me to relax and sleep well (as in not on my couch). The legal issue was mentioned, but it was almost like it wasn't to do with us, but someone else. It wasn't awkward to mention. It didn't seem like he had any ulterior motive. At first I thought that he was trying to get me to drop the charges, or was going to try to get me to be a booty call again (since he was saying he couldn't sleep either and that's usually what it is...). But no. Soon as I mentioned talking in person, he shut down. Not in a mean way. I asked him "would it really be so horrible to talk in person" and he said that right now it would be. He hasn't spoken to me since, really. He started talking nasty again, and then shut up. He left me thinking that he still cares. Then, when I saw him recently...he looked at me..with no emotion whatsoever. It not only scared me...but broke my heart that he no longer looked at me like the girl that never did anything but try to help him. Help him succeed. He was the one that says all this himself. I don't know what his frame of mind is. He really hates me...but....I dunno...Think it's enough for him to miss me in the end..?

The only pain left is...will he ever figure it out? Realize it? Come back? I miss him so much. He was my best friend...

(p.s....apparently I will still dream about him..and wake up wishing he was here. Damn)

16 Years Later.

28Days — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 08:06:35 GMT

Wow. It's almost been 16 years...

I still think about you everyday. It still hurts like hell, everyday. I try as hard as I can to remember more...but I just can't. And it hurts.

I try to be strong. Not to cry. To be okay with it. I can talk about it now. But it still stings like hell to see other people happy, like I never got to be with you.

Sometimes I wonder..how different my life would be if you were still here. Would I be stronger? Weaker? Would I know the people I know today? Would I be ANYTHING like I am now? I bet not.I wear your ring on my neck. (it doesn't fit my fingers anymore) I feel like it brings you closer to me. I got that tattoo for you, you know? Whenever I see it...I smile..'cause for once...I did something that I KNOW you'd be proud of. Wish I could make you proud of me.

Each year, on the day...it feels like the first. And I can feel my heart turn inside out...As stupid as it sounds...each year..I sleep with the light on..Just in case you come home...so you can find me..Isn't that silly? I'm going to be 19 this year..and I'll bet I leave that light on again. I know you're not coming home...but I remember that my light was on, waiting for you..that day...when you never came home...

R.I.P. Daddy. I miss you terribly. 16 years is too long. You're too far away.

(Kenn Zander 1960-1993)

Packing and Putting Away.

28Days — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 04:34:34 GMT

As the end of the quarter nears, so to does my college year. It was intense, amazing and horrible all at once. There's been a lot of toss up if I stay here in Vancouver or if I move back to Calgary, where all my friends are. Due to recent events, I had decided to move home...but the more I think about that, the more I think that I'm going to end up being miserable in Calgary..but I think I may end up being miserable in Vancouver just because I'm alone. But, today I took a break from homework to begin packing up my apartment, as regardless, my stuff and I will be heading back to Calgary for a while on the 18th.

So, I sit here today...alone, packing up my apartment slowly. And I can't help but be hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I can't explain it...but somehow..it feels like packing up my life in Vancouver...is really leaving Brendann. I know it sounds ridiculous. I mean..he's already gone. I hate what he is now. He's been gone for ages. There's no hope left. So why do I still feel like things are finally coming to a close now?

I feel like I'm actually losing him now. I'm packing up my entire life that I had here. All my hopes, dreams, plans...things that we had built together. I don't really get it..

In all my packing..I found my grade 12 yearbook. Looking through it...I was reminded that...he never signed my yearbook. I don't know, but it just reminded me of the fact that he kinda always let me down. But then I turned the page...and saw the pictures of us together. Happy. Healthy. Together. It stung. A lot. I can't even begin to describe it. And I can't talk to anyone about it...No one would understand. Nor would they care.

So. I finish here. Pack up my stuff and return home. Alone. A year ago at this time...things were not planned this way. I know things never go as planned but...this is not how it was meant to be..I'm sure of it. At this time we were supposed to be all torn up and sad about trying to figure out what to do, as I graduate before he would. Not torn up and sad because he's really gone...

I can't help but wonder....will he ever get out of this? I'm so afraid he's going to be one of the ones that don't make it to recovery...
Is this really the end of the road for the two of us? How can I even imagine my life without him..forever. He means so much. He was so huge in my life. I still can't experience something without being sad that he isn't there. I still want to share it all with him. I miss waking up next to him in the morning. When he lived for me. It's those stupid drugs that changed it all.
All I hope is that when it clears it all up...maybe he'll be back...

But then I know that won't happen. I shouldn't hope for it. So..I continue to pack and put things away...And he goes further away...

What is this wave of sadness washing over me? Why does this feel like goodbye?

2.

28Days — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:40:01 GMT

Can't sleep tonight. It's weird. No matter how many times I wash my sheets...wash my pillow cases...even bought new pillows...my entire bed still smells like you. I can't bring myself to take the build-a-bear you made me off my bed. It wears your ring now...My necklace too....It resembles everything we were....everything we dreamed of being...but...where'd you go? I miss you. I haven't seen you in months...Do I ever cross your mind? Do you miss me? ...why did you text me like that? Did it mean anything?

So many unanswered questions. So many heartbreaks. Tears. Let downs. Broken words. Tainted memories. Lies. So much abuse and resentment and pain and agony. Yet...I still just want nothing more than for you to be here with me.

You just need to wake up baby. Please wake up. I know you're still in there. Somewhere. I can see it in the eyes of this person who has taken your place. You're screaming to break free of this haze. You have this whole LIFE waiting for you! A family. A career. A home. This isn't a way to live. Stand up and change it. This isn't you baby. Not at all. You know that. Deep down, you know it. Stop it. Just wake up. Your family misses you. Your friends miss you.....I miss you....

I can still hear your voice somedays...When I least expect it...I hear you call me baby...or I hear you say "I love you"....or goodnight..or good morning. I hear you say that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you...that without me, you'd be lost....

I still see you somedays. I catch you out of the corner of my eye. Wearing that red and black striped hoodie. The ring hanging from your neck. A random t-shirt underneath...Hair spiked up....that famous smile and those bright eyes....I turn to smile at you...and you're not there...Then I remember that now? It's a wifebeater...no hoodie...the ring hasn't been worn in almost a year...Hair is unkept...you're unshaven...that smile has been gone for months...and the light in your eyes has been missing about the same amount of time..

I still think you're in my bed some nights. Or that I'll wake up to see your "good morning" text. That I'll see you in the elevator and you'll give me a huge kiss.

Why can't you just wake up. Think for yourself. These people are toxic. They're not your friends. Why can't you see how much of a monster you've become? Baby...look at your actions...your words...your "plans"...Even you can't seriously think that you're in control anymore..Every moral has been destroyed. Every dream. Every plan. You've lost all the people you cared most about. You lost your home. Your schooling. Your brain power. Your fitness. You lost your best friends. Your girlfriend. Your passions.

...just come back baby....I don't want to miss you anymore...I've missed you for too long. Even when you were right next to me..I've missed you....It's not easy for me..And I'd be lying if I said losing you is something I can handle..It's so hard..watching someone I love die...but yet their body still walks...Fight back baby. All you need to do is remember everything from before. We can win this. Promise. <3

I'm still here baby. Even though you don't think so..I am...Forever and always. When you're ready to beat this. I'll be here. <3

1.

28Days — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 20:06:06 GMT

You can't help him. He doesn't want it. He won't ever be the same guy. Not after this. You sound the same as I did and look where I ended up. If you want to take the same path too, that's fine. Do not try to teach me. I know a whole lot more about this. I've been on both sides and talked to both sides years down the road. Something needs to change for him to want to change. And nothing will because everyone wants to spoon feed him. I hope to g-d that something even worse happens. Over and over. Cause nothing else will do anything. I know you hate hearing it but guess what. It's life. I wish there was some way you could see what he's become. But I guess it's going to take him hurting you directly..I suggest checking out this site I'm on. They have given me the strength to act this cold. But do not think for one second that I care any less. I love him. More than anything. I want nothing more than to have him here with me. Supporting me. Than for him to be him again. And I would be there in a heartbeat if he wanted me or needed me. But I need to let go. Or he's going to kill me. I am ALWAYS going to be there. When he's ready for help. When he needs me. When the world crumbles at his feet...

I've lost a lot of hope. It's going to take a lot more than this for things to change. Just because I'm being harsh doesn't mean I care any less. I'm hurting more than I let on. I wake up at night crying. I can't go an hour without crying. My heart is devestated. I wish I could fix it. Bring him back. I can't. No one can but him. But he hasn't found a good enough reason. We can't love somebody into recovery. Love isn't enough. Please see that the way I am right now..is necessary. If I allow myself to care more. If I don't disentangle myself...there will be nothing left of me.

Message to Cayley...

28Days — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 21:42:32 GMT

Brendann isn�t there anymore. You can hear it in the way he talks. See it in the way he acts. The way he thinks. None of this is affecting him. At all. He feels no pain. No remorse. He carries on getting high all day like nothing has changed. He is only going to get worse. He�s surrounded by it. Lying is his nature. He will not stop. He admited that he gets killer headaches when he smokes. He makes himself sick. It�s all he does. It�s all that matters. He lied to the officer (and got caught). He will stop at nothing. He doesn`t think there is any consequence severe enough to make him stop. Said so himself. The boy swore on his sister that he would stick to just weed. He YELLED at you for crying. Is this the boy you were friends with? He isn�t your best friend anymore. He isn�t Brendann. You can see it in his eyes. And as long as he has his friends and his Mom to spoon feed him and help him pick up the pieces, it�s going to get worse. He�s been shown that he can do no wrong and that he will always have help when things get tough. He�s an addict. It won�t change. He knows I collapsed at work and doesn�t care. He acts like this and treats people like this because he�s been allowed to. No one else steps up. His mom is making is 100 times worse. She�s killing him. She�s preventing him from learning by bailing him out and paying his way. He has lost everything that made him Brenn. I love him with everything. But he�s gone. He isn�t going to come back till this stops. He has to reach an extreme..obviously this isn�t enough. I can speak volumes here. I can say what�s making it worse. What can make it better. What should be done. But it doesn�t matter. Cause no one listens. I�ve been screaming, crying, begging for help. I was fighting a war by myself..with no one willing to help. I almost had him back last quarter when Luke and the guys came into the picture..I want to keep fighting..to bring him back..but it�s not going to happen. Very wise words: Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can�t fight alone. There needs to be a huge change. Maybe the fact that he�s going to be labeled as a rapist might help..but we�re never going to get out Brenn back this way..I�ve watched him fade from the front row..all alone..I just want him to wake up a realize it..he had done that..and he asked for my help..We were gonna beat this thing together. And then he took it all back �cause of his �friends�..deep down he knows..deep down out boy is there..

�So we`ve been outnumbered...it`s hard to fight when the fight ain`t fair. We`re getting stronger now. Found things they never found. They might be bigger, but we`re faster and never scared. You can walk away say �we don`t need this� but there`s something in your eye says we can beat this. Cause these things will change. Can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. It`s a revolution. The time will come for us to finally win. Tonight we`ll stand, get off our knees. Fight for what we`ve worked. The battle was long, it`s the fight of our lives. But we`ll stand up champions�