Leaving (1)

I know I shouldn’t be sad, I mean I’ll be heading back in one month. Four weeks. It’s nothing to be too heartbroken about. I’m going home to all my friends. My old life. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard. My old life. Not my new life. My new life is here in Vancouver. I’ve built this whole new life, I’m different now. I don’t want to go back anymore. I miss my friends more than anything...but I’m scared that I won’t fit in the same way as I used to. Things have changed so much. I’ve been gone a year. A year changes a lot. I’m not the same, and neither are my friends...neither is Calgary. So much has happened...what if I end up being an outside like I used to be? What if in the end ...I don’t fit in, just as it was when I was younger...I know that sounds crazy, ‘cause they’re still all my friends, I’ve been back in the last year, and we’ve all kept in touch pretty well...but the thought still lingers in my head whenever I try to imagine spending time with everyone back home. I think about Calgary, and I don’t really think of it as home. I don’t think of anywhere as home to be honest. I get excited to see my friends. Have my bed back. See my dog. Know my way around, even with my eyes closed. But otherwise, I’m not excited about the city. I think about Vancouver...I don’t have anyone left here really. Very few friends left. But I’m excited about it. Everything about Vancouver makes me excited. Whenever I talk about it I can’t stop talking about it.

I finished my last project on Tuesday night. Wednesday night I spent getting my apartment ready to be packed up. Thursday was the day that everything got packed up. It wasn’t as hard as I thought. I was lucky that it wasn’t me packing all my stuff into boxes. I had my family doing it while I was in class all day. When they left with all my stuff that night, I sat there, in the middle of my empty apartment..just looking around...I felt kind of sad...but not really. It was like I wasn’t feeling anything towards it at all. I just went to bed. Friday morning I said goodbye to my roommate. Again, not sad, her and I didn’t get along. After she left I left my keys in the apartment mailbox and walked out of the building forever. Sure, there was a twinge of sadness, I lived here for a year, and I was leaving friends behind in the building. But to be honest...It felt good to walk out of those double doors for good. Knowing I never had to return. After class, leaving the school for the last time, I felt nothing. No sadness, no happiness, no pride..nothing. I really didn’t care. I spent my last night with friends. We didn’t go out and party. We didn’t get drunk. We didn’t paint the town red. We went and sat at the water front in the park..played some pool...got some dinner....wandered around downtown...and then caught a late night horror movie. Something so simple...was amazing. It was one of my best nights. I was with friends. This morning was harder than I ever could have imagined. Kaylan and I woke up...and just sat. Watched some tv. Enjoyed the fact that we were together. Then it came time for me to leave. I said goodbye to her dog, Jack, who has become like my dog too. He didn’t understand of course, but he knew that something was happening, and it was something that was supposed to make him sad. Then I looked over at Kaylan. She was already tearing up. I sighed and took her keys off my keychain and set them down on the table between us. Why is this so hard? I go to say goodbye. We’re gonna be tough. No tears. No sappy goodbyes. Kaylan’s lip quivers...and that’s enough for me and I begin to cry. So does she. I hug her and we just stand there. Laughing and crying. I’m going to see her in 4 weeks. We’ll be back for graduation. Then I’m going out to Ontario to see her in March. We’re talking about moving back to Vancouver together in the spring. So..before it gets any harder I stiffen up that upper lip. Pick up my bag. Say goodbye to Jack. Hug her once more. And walk out that door for the last time. I held it together until I got to the elevator. I felt silly crying, but I couldn’t help it. This girl means the world to me. She taught me so much. I changed for the better because of her. She’s this amazing girl. She’s tough as nails. I have never felt so happy before, until I started sharing her view on life more. I’m stronger now. More upbeat. More outgoing. Independent. I will never forget her influence. She was my family here. Her and Jack Daniels. I lived here with them. It was my home too. This apartment will b sold soon. It won’t be ours anymore. It’s the ending of yet another chapter in my life. I wasn’t ready for it to end. It was too short.