Packing and Putting Away.

As the end of the quarter nears, so to does my college year. It was intense, amazing and horrible all at once. There's been a lot of toss up if I stay here in Vancouver or if I move back to Calgary, where all my friends are. Due to recent events, I had decided to move home...but the more I think about that, the more I think that I'm going to end up being miserable in Calgary..but I think I may end up being miserable in Vancouver just because I'm alone. But, today I took a break from homework to begin packing up my apartment, as regardless, my stuff and I will be heading back to Calgary for a while on the 18th.

So, I sit here today...alone, packing up my apartment slowly. And I can't help but be hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I can't explain it...but somehow..it feels like packing up my life in Vancouver...is really leaving Brendann. I know it sounds ridiculous. I mean..he's already gone. I hate what he is now. He's been gone for ages. There's no hope left. So why do I still feel like things are finally coming to a close now?

I feel like I'm actually losing him now. I'm packing up my entire life that I had here. All my hopes, dreams, plans...things that we had built together. I don't really get it..

In all my packing..I found my grade 12 yearbook. Looking through it...I was reminded that...he never signed my yearbook. I don't know, but it just reminded me of the fact that he kinda always let me down. But then I turned the page...and saw the pictures of us together. Happy. Healthy. Together. It stung. A lot. I can't even begin to describe it. And I can't talk to anyone about it...No one would understand. Nor would they care.

So. I finish here. Pack up my stuff and return home. Alone. A year ago at this time...things were not planned this way. I know things never go as planned but...this is not how it was meant to be..I'm sure of it. At this time we were supposed to be all torn up and sad about trying to figure out what to do, as I graduate before he would. Not torn up and sad because he's really gone...

I can't help but wonder....will he ever get out of this? I'm so afraid he's going to be one of the ones that don't make it to recovery...
Is this really the end of the road for the two of us? How can I even imagine my life without him..forever. He means so much. He was so huge in my life. I still can't experience something without being sad that he isn't there. I still want to share it all with him. I miss waking up next to him in the morning. When he lived for me. It's those stupid drugs that changed it all.
All I hope is that when it clears it all up...maybe he'll be back...

But then I know that won't happen. I shouldn't hope for it. So..I continue to pack and put things away...And he goes further away...

What is this wave of sadness washing over me? Why does this feel like goodbye?


<pleasecomeback3