Pain

[bikerprincess]

Oh boy here we go.

I have a very sick boss / best friend (Christie) who is battling breast cancer and it has metastisised (sp) to her liver, and I think we are starting a downslide. I cannot tell you how much I adore her and the times we have had. We are truly best friends to each other.

I am so sad, & scared and tired and mad and helpless, and I might add the only one working a 12 step program that is involved.

There are ALOT of things going on that are so WRONG, but very much none of my business, so holding my tongue is playing a HUGE part in all this and not easy for me.

Just trying to apply all principles I have learned in AA, and do what is in front of me.

I am close with my awesome sponsor and have some great AA hand holders for support.

It amazes me though, how easily it feels to me to want to sedate myself. Not because it will change anything, but for the temporary escape from PAIN.

I learn from you all, and respect your opinions, so I am sharing.
Have you felt like this? I seem to be doing all the naturals: meetings, sponsor, meditating, service etc....but this one good drunk fantasy keeps hanging on.

Prayers, Hope and advice appreciated.
This pic is (from left to right)
Christie, "Weed", and me on a road trip.

[BillJ]

Originally Posted by bikerprincess

It amazes me though, how easily it feels to me to want to sedate myself. Not because it will change anything, but for the temporary escape from PAIN.

No surprise, really. Wanting to avoid pain (or any other vestige of reality) is our default setting as alcoholics. You know: "When in doubt, medicate!"


That's why we never outgrow our need for meetings, fellowship, and step work. Some of us think we outgrow them, but I've never seen anyone succeed that way, and I'm not willing to test myself. I know I need y'all.

I also know that what you and Christie are going through hurts like hell - especially when you feel you have no voice, no say over all that's going on - but you're doin' all the good, Princess. Meetings, sponsor, sharing, etcetera. Keep hangin' in and comin' back. Underneath all this horses*** there's got to be a pony!

[Gooch]

(((Anne))))

[bikerprincess]

Just when I thought yesterday was bad...........Christie called last night and her liver enzymes are out of control and swollen...blah blah blah...they gave her weeks to live.
Her sister came in to "take control" and they want to try this and that blah blah blah and Christie has personal affairs that need to be in order, and.............she tells me "chin up" and stay focused at work...blah blah blah...(did I mention I HATE my job and have only stayed here for her) And people need her attention and nobody was taught her part because she just does it and NOBODY thought this was serious but grim me. I am CRAZY today.......................I just want to run away and not deal.
I don't want to focus on my job. My hands are tied here, my hands are tied with her.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Anne

[Gooch]

Keep on venting.

WE love you crazy and all.

still got that number right?

[BillJ]

Prayers out, Princess, for you and Christie.

"God, grant me the Serenity..." and "Your will, not mine, be done."

[best]

Prayers for you both.
One of the toughest lessons for me... knowing that things need to run their course and I can't change it. The lesson was learning to accept life on life's terms. I don't need to like it, but I do need to accept it.
Get angry, vent, yell, scream, but don't pick up are the best acceptable things beyond prayer.

She is blessed to have such a friend as you.

Much prayers for you both.

[bikerprincess]

I am practicing keeping me mouth shut. To tell you the truth, it is working out pretty good. Christie got a new form of chemo which could possibly keep her alive for a few weeks. She is feeling better today so therefore in her actions, she believes she is going to live forever.Holding on to control of things that seem so simple to let it go....I patronize her a bit. They have made it VERY clear she is a matter of time, and every one else has come to terms with that. I had a nice talk with her son (my boss to be)this morning. I think he understands me better. I am calmer today, still scared, still sad, but calmer.
Thank you for listening.
Anne