some of my story

[toad]

“You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn.”
Psalm 18:35-36 NIV

David wrote the song that we call the eighteenth Psalm when the Lord delivered him from all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. God had brought David safely through many years of being on the run from King Saul and the army of Israel. God had told Samuel to anoint David as King even though Saul was still on the throne. It must have been a confusing time for the young man David. David knew all along that the battle belonged to the Lord, and after Saul had died in battle and David had become King, he gave credit where credit was due. The outward battle in David’s life had been victorious; it was the inward battle that he now faced that would turn out to be his greatest life-long challenge. There was a time in my life when I had overcome a great outward challenge only later to be defeated by my inward battles. I came home from Vietnam in 1968 after having spent a tour of duty as an airborne Sgt. in a long-range recon unit. I completed one year of college in 1969 and decided to work for a while before I went back to school. I found a good job that required some walking, so I decided to exercise more to stay in shape. I bought a ten-speed bicycle and stared riding every day. I was soon riding 30 to 50 miles a day. In the summer of 1971 I decided to take a cross-country bicycle trip from Boulder to Kansas City. I planned a trip going north from Boulder, over into Nebraska, down into Kansas and across to Missouri. I made the ride in six days and on the last day I rode 170 miles. At that point in my life I felt like I could do anything. I had survived Vietnam, and was in great physical shape, I thought there was no obstacle to great for me. I remember one Saturday afternoon, the week I finished the bike trip, sitting in a bar and bragging on my trip. I felt like nothing could harm me so I bummed a Camel Cigarette, which led to picking up cigarettes again. I remember getting real drunk that day. I record in my memory that day as being the start of my inner battle that led me to complete defeat at the hands of alcohol and drugs. For the next twenty-five years the person that was so confident, and thought he could overcome anything, became a fearful drunken addict that could not keep his head above water for very long. There were times when I thought I was swimming pretty good, but then I would struggle and find myself once again gasping for air to stay alive. In the middle of my twenty-five year downward slide in life, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I thought my life will surly improve now, and it did. My spiritual life took direction and started to grow, but there were some thing in my personal life that I did not want to let go of. Smoking pot was one of them. That alone over the years kept me from having many blessings from God, and in time it always brought me back to alcohol and shooting dope. I was able to overcome great outward struggles, but the inward battle of self was being lost daily. Only after coming to complete defeat was I able to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I knew of course that as I picked up the pieces that there were some pieces that I needed to leave lay. With the grace of a loving God, family that cares, an understanding church, AA and NA, and a sponsor that I can confide in, I have been able to continue in the grace and abundant life of God. 9-11 this year it will be eleven years since I took a drink, smoked a joint, or shot any dope, I am truly grateful. God has done for me what I could not do for myself………………………………toad

“Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think is the root of our troubles.” Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62

[TonyB]

Thank you for that Toad.
Makes me understand what is really important in my own life.
I thank you for your service too. I love all of you guys very much. You guys gave up so much and got nothing in return. I'm glad that my generation is working so hard to right the wrongs of the past by supporting our American Heroes. Some of my best friends are 1%er's and also Vietnam Vet's. I see the self-inflicted pain that is caused by years and years of drug and alcohol abuse to mask what is going on inside. But I know what is really behind that.... A country that thought the answer for dealing with these guys was to give them open prescriptions of what ever they wanted. My uncle was taking Thorazine for years. Thorazine!! That's a horse tranquillizer!!! They couldn't see that all this guy needed was to deal with his PTSD and not be so heavily medicated. It's a miracle he survived the war, but it's even more of a miracle he survived the VA!!
Sorry Toad, you got me on a rant. The emotions come easy these days because of the no-smoking thing; but you really struck a chord with me.
God bless you my friend.

[toad]

Thanks Tony for your support. I thank you also for your service past and present.

You will overcome the tabacco addiction and life will level out again. Your taste will improve so much that you will find that you are eating some foods that your really don't care for......LOL

The VA had me on Thorazine for a while. It made me very strange in a spiritual way. They kept me on Valium for years. Sent it to me in the mail every month. All the local addicts knew when the toad got his script. I was on anti-depressants for over ten years also. Today through the help of God, AA, a good Christian VA therapist, and a program of exercise, I am totally free from any medication and have been for over ten years.....to God be the glory...........amen.

[TonyB]

It's simply amazing to me... I have a friend in the program right now that is dealing with that. Every time he goes to the VA they want to whack him full of dope. He just tells them to forget it... But I can't imagine having to go through that kind of thing every month, to have to deal with that temptation. I think that medications can be a good thing, no doubt. But the thing is, you have to get to the root of the problem and not just treat the symptoms all the time.
We have a bunch in the program up this way that just do the revolving door with the anti-depressants and such. I have also heard old timers school them, that they wouldn't need that "crap" if they would get busy with some step work.
God has surely been doing great things in ALL of our lives.
TB

[toad]

Originally Posted by TonyB

I have also heard old timers school them, that they wouldn't need that "crap" if they would get busy with some step work.

This is so true Tony. In many cases meds are recessary, but so many use them as the "easier way," I speak from experience.

Having had a spiritual awakening as "THE" result of these steps.

Here's something I heard from a guy I sponsor "Came to believe that a power greater than my shrink could restore me to sanity."

Hang in there on the smoking.....live long....and when you kiss your wife you won't taste like an ashtray.

[TonyB]

Shrink.... I had to laugh out loud.
Thanks for that!

The no smoking is going pretty well. It's just a matter of doing it. KWIM?
I'm getting there. The hardest thing is going to be to find something constructive to fill that gap.
Today at work, I filled in the gaps with the book of Acts. Not a bad filler, if I may say so myself. Just something to keep me from being idle... It will come, I know.

[Fulldresser4]

Try knitting...
See, I even crack myself up.

Check out Proverbs too, what an AWESOME book!