The full story of Harley Runt

[harleyrunt]

I don't know if all of you read my post about writing my letter to my dad. Rarly left a response that really made me think. I have realized since I came here you guys care about me as much as I do you so here is the whole story of HR: My whole life since I can remember has been fix things for everyone, be perfect, make sure all my loved ones and friends are safe, make sure no one I know gets hurt or feels bad ect.... Because my sister got pregnant young (I was 12) and was irresponsible my father had total control of my life so i didn't screw up. After my sister's oldest was about a month old she was no fun for my sister. Since my sister had her head up her butt. Her husband worked all the time to pay the bills, which half of the time my sister didn't do. My parents were still living the lifestyle so I was 12 1/2 raising a new born. I went to work my first job at 15 by the time of my senior year of high school I was working 2 part time jobs going to high school 3 hrs a day and the local college for 4 hrs and still had my sister's oldest a majority of the time. I graduated couldn't afford college anymore and couldn't get financial aide so I got a job at a local factory (The one my dad worked at I was 4 generation to go through that plant) and a part time job I worked roughly 70 hours a week still found time for the oldest of my sister's children. I had to work two jobs most of the time to give her money for the kids which their were now three. Now I had to give you that info to make the rest of this make since. My first addiction at 15 I became an anorexic why? I had no control in my life my dad and mom because of my sister's mistakes controlled every aspect of my life, but I figured out they couldn't control what I ate. It was the only leverage I had. When My sister took the kids and moved down south I was about 20 that when it really got bad I worked in a hot factory and ate only a plum and a bag of pretzels and drank water. 4-5 days a week I worked a part time job as I said but if I did not work I walked at least 2-3 miles that night and didn't eat after 6:00 pm. No one realized I had a problem or they looked right past it. Eventually my parents realized when I was standing in our yard in a sun dress and my godfather grabbed a hold of my hand held up my arm looked at me and my dad and said "Hello does anyone not see you are killing yourself" BUSTED I mean come on after my sis left and I didn't have to work to pay her bills and people started to catch on I kept working that part time job so I could say yeah I ate today. (The addict lying starts here) Then when confronted I told people "I don't have a problem I am not like those other people that puke" (The justification of the addiction starts here) At 19 My bladder and kidney disease started due to heredity and the anorexia kicked it in high gear, but I managed to stay working till 24. Well everyone figures out she's got a problem. Now I am no way downing or blaming my family. I take full responsibility for my actions past and present. I am just telling my story. My father took control of my recovery I worked with him so I had to eat with him. No more second job. Ate at home every night with the parents and once a week I stood backwards on the scale for my mom and dad. I did get myself cleaned up and only slipped a little when I got my first place a lone and it was called by my doctor basically a change of habit slip not intentional. Live alone who do you cook for and you have crap eating habits. About 7 years go by in that time I became a widow, divorce' and a really sick person due to my disease progressing. Then my grandfather was killed. He was my best pal. My world fell apart I was back to living alone. I started going out on the weekends the whole week of my grandfather's death , funeral, ect.... I was drunk and that is the first time anyone in my family really saw me drink I was never a drinker I don't like the taste of alcohol. So after I nursed my dad through the death of his father about a year after that I had the summer off from where I went back to work part time because it was a school. I fell into a great big pile of cocaine. Now I was raised a biker's child seen it and more my whole life and never touched it once. I just gave up on life and everything else. I dealt to cover my party. My parents never confronted me about it, but I mean come on they were biker's they had to know. If they would have asked I would not have lied. I am straight up and can swear on my grandfather's grave I NEVER lied about using if asked, I never sold my body for drugs, I never stole for drugs. THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS OF AN ADDICT THEN ANYONE ELSE THOUGH I REALIZE THAT. Then I ran into a guy I dated from 16-18 and his wife left him. We started dating we partied and dealt together to cover our head but with him it was so easy. He didn't HAVE TO HAVE IT like me he could take it or leave it I think he did it to make me happy. I knew I had to quit so for about a month or two it became with my "friends" we will call them " HR'S last party" that just made it worse. So I just stopped trying to stop no more last party no sobriety date . Once I took off the "quit date" and cut off all my associations with my "friends" I just quit. I am not saying I have not slipped not a lot but I have. I married my husband it was HP's plan we did not stay together as teens we had to go live our lives and the HP brought us back together when it was meant to be. My last slip in October of last year. In my eyes that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me IT BROUGHT ME HERE TO YOU GUYS MY SOBER FAMILY!!!! A year later from my quit time I married a wonderful man, endured major surgery, and was told today I am 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant, something the docs said would not happen. It is a high risk pregnancy so PRAY FOR US PLEASE!!!! Rarly I don't know what you think but I think I def. took the wrong road to figuring out I am not Ms. Fix It, and I Can't Control Everything. I got to let it up to fate and my HP. I know I have been a lurker on here and hopefully the comments I have left have helped others, but after Rarly's post tonite it inspired me to tell you guys everything from start to finish. I hope I did not take up to much of your time or bore you, but I have noticed members when they start to come here they will do a post and it's kind of like "This is me, this is what I have done and this is where I'm at" Well that is what I have done with this post. Some of you probably are thinking this is overdue. So...... THIS IS ME, WHO I AM, WHERE I AM AT Thank you all and a special thanks to Rarly. :ghug:

[best]

You sure came through a lot by God's grace.

Prayers go with you as you wait for the baby to come.
What Drs don't see (can't look into the future) ...Out of a new life comes new life. As I wait for my first grandchild (due in Sept) and have 4 children of my own, I smile reading of the blessing coming into your life.

[recoveringnky]

HR: My pregnancy was a high risk one as well. They told me at one point that they thought my child had Down's Syndrome. They wanted to do an amnio. I wasn't going to let them put something foreign in my baby's "home". My husband and I decided that God would give us what he wanted us to have. We had a healthy baby boy who is 8 years old now! Motherhood is so hard but it's the best thing that's happened to me in my sobriety....I get to be the mother I never had....I get to create happy sober memories for my son....with God's help and the help of AA, he'll never see me drunk or high. He brings me so much joy and I thank God every day for the miracle of my sobriety and my son!!

Thank you so much for letting us "in". We love you....unconditionally!!!

((((BIG HUG)))))
Kym

[Rarly Harley]

HR: It feels good to share yourself with like-minded folks, who know exactly what you are feeling and where you came from, don't it....? That is the beauty of recovery in A.A. or N.A. I suggest that you focus on the A.A. slogan " FIRST THINGS FIRST " right now, which means don't drink/drug, go to meetings, join a home group, read the Big Book and get a sponsor ( female ). If you can, go to a minimum of (3) meetings a week. That is the very best thing you can do for yourself, your unborn child and your Husband. Let everything else unfold as it will, because it will anyway....When it is time to start digging into your past, to sort out all your family of origin stuff, you will know it, but it ain't now. Keep the focus on yourself and your own recovery and all the rest of it will unfold as God has planned. Believe me when I tell you that God has far greater plans for you, than you can possibly conceive of at this moment...Trust the recovery process and dive in......