My letter to my father

[harleyrunt]

Well I was in a family systems group that encouraged you to write each of your family a letters with a list of hurts. Mom was easy she read mine disregarded most of it and now when I try to make my feelings about thing known I am "Argumentative" and the conversation stops and I don't get my feeling out anyways. Dads letter well I wrote and and I wrote it respectfully I have not blamed them for any choices in my life and told them all in all I feel I had a pretty good life. I asked him to my house about 4 years ago and asked him to slow down on his drinking. (He is a 40 year functioning alcoholic) He walked out the door pissed off and it was never mentioned again. I told him that I do not like seeing him crack a bud at 9 am on a Saturday and then run into him in a bar when I go out to see my friends band play at 10 pm and he is stumbling, spitting, and you can't have a conversation with him it is embarrassing. I also mention that the 8 month affair with the woman he had last year put me in a very akward position with my mother, people in town. What really puts the kicker on all this the woman he had the affair with, he had a 2 year affair with her 20 years ago. So there is something there between them this woman obviously means something to him. I mentioned how I have asked for family counseling or for him to go and got a flat out refusal. If he does that he knows he has to deal with the things that were done to him ask a child. I let another family member read it they agreed with what I wrote and the letter was put together well. He received it in the mail yesterday and I got a voice mail message " You have a lot of nerve to write a letter like that to me" So, I called my mom this morning and she said he was mad because you didn't come yourself to him. HELLO I tried that a couple of years ago you walked out of my house. Not only that depending on the number of Buds we are on he does have a history of getting violent. I did get all my feelings out , but know feel hurt because I know that letter didn't mean squat to him and not one thing registered. So where do I go from here guys?

[suki44883]

JMHO...I thought it was a good letter. You may think nothing registered, but I think it did. Your words will come back to him at times, maybe when he cracks that next beer at 9:00 am. Maybe nothing will change, but then again...

[best]

What I do, what I think are things I can control.
What others do, what others think...I have no control over.
I didn't write a nice letter. I yelled and screamed over the phone and told both my parents what I thought. Did it change anything? I have no idea what opened their eyes. In part it could have. In part it could have been my daughter being born and them not seeing her till she was at least 6 months old. Could have been that each one of us that moved out, didn't go back and visit.
Who knows what opened their eyes but they did get sober.

As for my own healing...
I learned some of life and came to an understanding that alcoholics do certain things and that children raised a certain way may repeat what they learned and thus repeat the cycle into the next generation.
So some things I could reason out why they happened (doesn't excuse them just gives understanding of why) and for other things...I forgave them for my own good. There is no need for me to be carrying around the hate inside that would eat me up.
I have read where some have typed up a letter, tied it to a balloon and let it go or after writing the letter or put it in the fireplace as a part of letting go of the past.
I can't change yesterday but I sure can change my today.
The buck stopped here. My children were not abused in a physical or emotional sense like I was. I may not have done things perfectly but I did do the best that I knew how and soon... There will be grandchildren so I can pass on the good that I have learned onto them as well.
In life, we can find that both blessings and curses can run in a family for 3 generations or more...or untill someone along the line says...I am doing it my way.(good or bad)
Well I am doing it the way I see others have found works the best. Firmness with grace added. Respect and love mixed inas well.

The buck stopped here!

Let go of yesterday. Forgive them so you can heal all the more and do like I have done... take the bad example set before us and use it to learn what is the better way.
I did better when I learned what is better.
The Buck stops here.

[Rarly Harley]

HR: It sounds to me like you have done everything in your power at this point in your recovery, with your family of origin work. It also sounds like you have reached the " God Line ".....
Through painfull experience, I have had to learn to do everything in my power I could possibly do, about any given situation, then stop and surrender the results to God. That is what I call the " God Line ". Every time that I continued to push past the " God Line ", pushing to get the result I wanted, I suffered mentally and emotionally. I was trying to change something that I could not change, in effect, I was trying to do God's work. The most painfull lesson in this experience of crossing the " God Line " was with my only son. I drove myself sick and crazy trying to change him, trying to stop him from continuing down the road I travelled, of alchoholism and drug addiction. I darn near drove myself into a relapse. What saved me was going back into treatment to take the " Family Program ", then following up with 2 years of Alanon on top of my A.A. That is where I learned how to " Detach With Love " with my son and turn him over to God, at the " God Line ". Michael still drinks and uses, but I stay on my side of the line and I am OK....That was 8 years ago and I have further learned to stay on my side of the line in every other situation I must face in my recovery. Truth be told however, is that I still have to cross the line in every new situation, to be able to find it. I feel the discomfort fairly quickly though and I get my butt back on the right side of the line. One of my daily morning meditation books that helps me to stay on my side of the line, is called " The Language Of Letting Go ", by Melody Beattie. I find it to be a most excellent tool in my recovery tool belt.....

[toad]

Originally Posted by Rarly Harley

HR: It sounds to me like you have done everything in your power at this point in your recovery, with your family of origin work. It also sounds like you have reached the " God Line ".....
Through painfull experience, I have had to learn to do everything in my power I could possibly do, about any given situation, then stop and surrender the results to God. That is what I call the " God Line ". Every time that I continued to push past the " God Line ", pushing to get the result I wanted, I suffered mentally and emotionally. I was trying to change something that I could not change, in effect, I was trying to do God's work. The most painfull lesson in this experience of crossing the " God Line " was with my only son. I drove myself sick and crazy trying to change him, trying to stop him from continuing down the road I travelled, of alchoholism and drug addiction. I darn near drove myself into a relapse. What saved me was going back into treatment to take the " Family Program ", then following up with 2 years of Alanon on top of my A.A. That is where I learned how to " Detach With Love " with my son and turn him over to God, at the " God Line ". Michael still drinks and uses, but I stay on my side of the line and I am OK....That was 8 years ago and I have further learned to stay on my side of the line in every other situation I must face in my recovery. Truth be told however, is that I still have to cross the line in every new situation, to be able to find it. I feel the discomfort fairly quickly though and I get my butt back on the right side of the line. One of my daily morning meditation books that helps me to stay on my side of the line, is called " The Language Of Letting Go ", by Melody Beattie. I find it to be a most excellent tool in my recovery tool belt.....

Good stuff Rarly, thanks for sharing. I remember a few months back when you explained to me the "God line." I had crossed it and found myself all alone with the decisions I had made. When I cross the God Line, God does not stop me, and allows me to experience the results of my own self-centered decisions. I am learning that the best position in life is a point where I am able to release my burdens and place them in the hands of my Creator.