The Cruelty of "The Little Man"

[The_Hammer]

“Remember, we’re dealing with _________cunning, baffling, powerful..”

There’s a little man that sits in the dark corners of my head, maybe yours too, I don’t know, I’m a selfish ******* and I’m here for me.

“He hangs his head and wonders why
Why the monkey only lies
But pay the pauper, he did choose
He hung his head inside the noose”

I don’t care if you have 20 seconds clean, or 40 years, you are no safer than I was from this cruel little ***** that sits there and somehow brings you to your knees in the midst of a perfect life. My Old man, the same one that would lure me to his bed when my Mom supported his habit in the middle of the night has 34 years sober, now a blithering stumble bum, he thought he had it made.

“Somewhere there's a reason
Why things don't go my way
Somewhere there's a reason
That I cannot explain
Just like the change of season
Just may not be my turn
But I know there's a reason
The lesson's mine to learn

I thought I knew it all…”

There will never come a day, where I will not be fully aware of his stinking and rotting scent in my nose again. He is bent on my destruction; I can never defeat him on my own.

“…We thought self-knowledge was the key.”

The only way is to let go absolutely and allow the Guiding Force in my life to do it all.

“I know that somewhere, someone hears my voice.”

Now, I sit in my near repossessed house, wife and children delivering ultimatums, crapping my pants, skin crawling on me like a viper, smelling the stench of my own flesh and knowing the end is a taste away.

“Just one shot to say goodbye
One last taste to mourn and cry”

Why do I save my tears in a vial today? Why do I mourn and cry? Is it for my family, my possessions? No. It’s because the little man is telling me how much I love the dope.

And God help me, he’s right again.

All text in quotes I thank my friends Bill W. and Dave M. for.

[best]

Jimmy

Something I found happens with a relapse...
We learn and grow stronger. We learn that we need push that monkey off our shoulder..every day, one day at a time and we become stronger in our determination to do so.
Know your not alone and use the phone when you need to.
Love you my friend.

[BillJ]

Jimmy,

Don't glamorize the little f**ker. He's a troll - not some superhuman monster. He's a punk who can't stand the light of day, and he can not stand against you and your Higher Power. Quit writing love songs to him. Kick his butt to the curb, and get back to working the program of recovery.

Praying for you, brother.

[Rarly Harley]

Jimmy: I'm with Bill Bro. Stop the snivelling and get to a meeting.....

[recoveringnky]

Ditto Bill and Rarly!!!

Love you much!!!!!!!

Kym

[lionsstripe]

it only works WHEN YOU WORK IT

[toad]

Today I sit here looking at a book of quotes from Benjamin Franklin, share this with me:

"The things which hurt, instruct."

"The sleeping fox catches no poultry. Up! Up!"

Good to see you "up" Jimmy and doing the next right thing.

Here is something from the Daily Reflections, AA approved reading stuff:

When I face a fear, I am given courage:
when I support a brother or sister, my capacity to love myself is increased;
when I accept pain as part of the growing experience of life,
I realize a greater happiness;
when I look at my dark side, I am brought into a new light;
when I accept my vulnerabilities and surrender to a Higher Power,
I am graced with unforeseen strength.
I stumbled through the doors of AA in disgrace, expecting nothing from life,
and I have been given hope and dignity.
Miraculously, the only way to keep the gifts of the program is to pass them on.

© 1990 AAWS, Daily Reflections, p. 62

Toad............grateful to be fully clothed and in my right mind.

[Freedom1990]

The hardest thing for me to do was to walk back up those steps to AA after I had blown 4 years of sobriety.

If I can do it, so can you. :ghug2

[toad]

Ain't nothing changed except your birthday, and I not sure that changed if you didn't drink.

"The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking." (nothing about pain medication and the abuse of them)

"Each group has but one primary purpose to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers." (Still nothing in the primary purpose about prescription medicine or the abuse of them)

"Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues: hence the AA name ought never be brought into public controversy." (Drugs are an outside issue with AA....sorry but that is the truth)

Jimmy if you didn't pop a top, slam a shot, take a sip, get drunk, or consume any of the liquid stuff that is known as booze. Then you might be right where you were. I really depends on who you ask. My sponsor knows nothing about drugs, and many like him are pure AA, pure blooded, full blooded, alcoholics with no other affilication.

To thine own self be true...........toad

[Hurricane]

I agree Toad. I had my little slip with pain med that I had to take,
but I feel I still have every bit of my sobriety. It was just a lesson for me to realize I am an addict also, and I need to be more careful with scripts like anything else .
I have seen one with 30 years recovery in both programs have to be given morphine, then have to kick it. He still feels he has his recovery, and I'm not the judge for any one's recovery.
Bill's post ........poetry in a nut shell

[Fulldresser4]

Hammer, I love you.. you are in my prayers and you are stronger than this.

[harleyrunt]

Sending lots of love and prayers your way!!!!

[sticker]

WOW....you mean i can go get my 27yr AA medallion this yr even though I had a seriouse drug problem for about 9 of those yrs!!! Sweeet

[BillJ]

Originally Posted by sticker

WOW....you mean i can go get my 27yr AA medallion this yr even though I had a seriouse drug problem for about 9 of those yrs!!! Sweeet

If you're not just poking fun (which would be inappropriate, considering how much pain our brother Hammer is in right now) then I'll offer my belief that decisions about sobriety and medically-necessary prescription drugs is a very personal one. People die when AA members attempt to dictate what is and is not "allowable", and there's no excuse for that. Page 133 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous suggests we leave doctoring to the doctors, and I go along with that.

If you have questions about what's right and wrong for you, perhaps your sponsor can help clarify things.

[Fulldresser4]

"WOW....you mean i can go get my 27yr AA medallion this yr even though I had a seriouse drug problem for about 9 of those yrs!!! Sweeet "

Ya know, the more I think about this, the more upset I get. And I am truly sorry if this isn't the way that it sounds. But....our BROTHER Hammer is in so much pain right now, and I guess I am really yanked that you could even joke about this. How much do you know about him? Do you know how many people he has helped here? Do you know about all his health problems? I mean seriously, do you????? Maybe this is an example of my MYOB but I just couldn't. And Bill was right, people do DIE! Did you not hear the pain in his post? His struggles??? OMG, who are you to joke about this? Please tell me this is all a BIG misunderstanding on my part. What was YOUR drug problem? Was it medically necessary? Have you ever been in so much freakin' pain that you were crawling out of your skin??? I haven't, but I sure as he$$ have seen it. And it ain't pretty.

[The_Hammer]

...I understood exactly what sticker meant and I felt nothing but love and care from each of you. I need no one to stand for me. I have an all powerful God that loves me without condition...If God be "for" me, who (or what), can be against me? I realized the little f**ker in my head head once again become my king (there was never any glamorization intended Jesse, ya crabby ol f**k. I was led into an amazing spiritual awakening by the overwhelming outpour of support by my friends here, in the meetings I attend and my family. The flow of love I felt could only have come from my HP and it drove me face first to the floor of my basement, where I staid for sometime trying desperately to get up the love for myself to call on His might to push this son of a b***h out of my skull, if only for today. thanks are insufficient here, so be content with knowing that I am realizing a Jimmy I have not known even in the ten beautiful years. This was a blessing, not a curse.

I embrace it.

I take back nothing I said before, I read my posts again, maybe in a day given to me in the future by my HP, will I see fault in it. But right now, I am jumpin fer joy, because I am free tonight. All the things I said were necessary to get me right here, right now. So, for those of you who think lowly of it, that's your prerogative, but guess what MF? I am sober and clean tonight. Stick that in yer arse and spin.

The Hammer is reborn.

Peace...

[suki44883]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! and welcome back! I'm a newbie but your post really touched me.

[harleyrunt]

All I can say is I HAVE WITHOUT A DOUBT BEEN IN HAMMERS SITUATION and it is a hard fight. I can't sit here and say on very few I have taken 2 pain pills instead of one or I would be lying. What I can say though is I have followed my doctors dosing instructions at an average of 99% of the time. That makes me no better than Hammer though I look at it this way we all have our vices that one main thing we absolutely cannot stay away from mine was Cocaine. Hammer I feel for you and love you. I understand how you very easily you slipped into the predicament you are in right now. I have been fighting my disease for about 20 years now. I have been where you are at man and I still support you 100% and I will always call you BROTHER

[sticker]

my reply was in response to toads post..had nothing to do with hammer he came here owned his S**t and took responsibility for conning Dr's. Nothing but respect for the man...he admitted the con part..what i took exception to is putting on here for new comers to read is that its OK for us to other drugs as long as you don't drink. don't even need to worry about changing your bday. I totally agree that medication taken AS PERSCRIBED BY YOU DR. does not affect our clean date. So lighten the FU ppl

[best]

Originally Posted by The_Hammer

I take back nothing I said before, I read my posts again,...

You shared what was in your heart at the time. I see nothing wrong with that.

and I take back nothing I posted either...

Still love you my brother.

[Rarly Harley]

Now everbody knows I love Jimmy and Toad like Brothers, but I need to weigh in on this one. I agree with Sticker's take on Toad's post. I know for sure that Toad was trying to comfort Jimmy, but I too need to voice my hard-earned, Big Book based recovery experience on this. If an alchoholic in recovery has to be prescribed any type of mood altering drug, based on a Doctor's assessment of a serious condition, that is one thing. Even in that situation, I would make sure that my Doctor knew up front that I am an alchoholic and a drug addict and I would only take a mood altering drug, if there were no other possible alternatives and I would ensure that I worked very closely with my Doctor to monitor my progress and get off it at the earliest opportunity. If an alchoholic is knowingly taking mood altering drugs other than in the aforementioned manner, then they are really not sober. Our forum would be doing a collective disservice to any and all newcomers visiting us for our experience, strenght and hope, if we gave them the idea that it was OK to take drugs, as long as we are free from alchohol. That simply is not OK...Please read page 443 in the third edition...

Love,

[toad]

Originally Posted by sticker

WOW....you mean i can go get my 27yr AA medallion this yr even though I had a seriouse drug problem for about 9 of those yrs!!! Sweeet

To thine own self be true........How true are you to yourself??

[toad]

Originally Posted by sticker

my reply was in response to toads post......... So lighten the FU ppl

Once again, I ended my post with "To thine own self be true."

That's the bottom line on the post, and it's the bottom line in my recovery. That's the bottom line on this subject.

[The_Hammer]

You mentioned in your last post that you loved toad and I like bros, but went on to include myself in justifying what I did. I think that a review of all I have said and posted, will clear that misconception up. I understand the concern for the newcomers and I share that feeling with you.

[toad]

Originally Posted by toad

Ain't nothing changed except your birthday, and I not sure that changed if you didn't drink.


Jimmy if you didn't pop a top, slam a shot, take a sip, get drunk, or consume any of the liquid stuff that is known as booze. Then you might be right where you were.

To thine own self be true...........toad

Probably need to backup here and take a look at what I posted and make myself clear. I was not refering to taking medication for the purpose of getting high. That of course in my book is a relapse. I was refering to taking prescribed drugs, and over or self medicating with them to relieve pain.

I would also like to add that since 9-12-98 I have not taken even so much as a sip of alcohol or taken any pain, mind, or mood altering drugs other than coffee, and tabacco. No tabacco since 2002, and the coffee is getting to be less and less. This is only by the grace of a loving God and the program of alcoholics anonymous. The reason I am adding this is because I don't want anybody to think that I agree with getting high and staying dry. I tried it years ago and it led me straight back to the bottle.

Guess what people........I still love you and you know what you can do with that..................nothing