The Cruelty of "The Little Man"

[Rarly Harley]

Originally Posted by The_Hammer

You mentioned in your last post that you loved toad and I like bros, but went on to include myself in justifying what I did. I think that a review of all I have said and posted, will clear that misconception up. I understand the concern for the newcomers and I share that feeling with you.

Jimmy: I was talking about me, my Brother, not you. Let me clarify....
Most of you know that I have been on medication for depression for about 8 years now. 8 years ago, I crashed bad and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I could not work and had to go on disability leave from my job. I struggled mightily between the Doctor prescribing medication and the A.A. old-timers telling me that if I was depressed, then there was something wrong with my program. I was 10 years sober at the time and a hard core A.A. Big-Book thumper with 11 sponsees. I was also district A.A. chairman for correctional facilities and I went to meetings in the jail and prison every week. I finally reached out for help and went to a treatment center to see if my program was out of whack. While there, I sat with Dr. Regehr, who was the medical director of the clinic and one of the foremost experts in alchoholism and drug addiction in North America at the time. ( He has since passed on ). He explained to me that clinical depresson is a disease of the mind that absolutely requires medication to rectify, that no amount of A.A. would fix it. I have been taking 60mg. of Celexa and 450mg. of Wellbutrin SR every morning ever since then. I also followed up Dr. Regehr's visit with a visit to the foremost psychiatrist in town, just to verify Dr. Regehr's diagnosis. He concurred that the medication was necessary and was not mood altering or dangerous to my recovery. This whole process took over a year. I was fired from my job half way through also. I used this experience in my A.A. recovery. I was asked to speak quite often at this time and I used this opportunity to blast the oldtimers who had said that depression was a sign of an incomplete A.A. program, reminding them what the Big Book says, that God has provided us with medical practitioners of all kinds to help us and we should avail ourselves of their services, that A.A. cannot fix everything.

As most of you know, medication stabilised me a little over 1 year after my crash, but I had already been fired from my job and had to begin anew. I started my own business as a power plant consultant, then took a 4 year tour starting up power plants in the U.S. and also getting in on a nuclear plant rebuild in Southern Ontario. All during this period, I felt OK mentally, but I was tired all the time. Maintaining my sleep became critical to my mental state, so much that it ate into my off work time with my wife and I had no energy to do anything on my days off except sleep. At the 4 year mark of my road trip, the nuclear project crashed unexpectedly, leaving me holding the bag with a mortgage on a $230K house, 2 new vehicles and a business for my wife that was just getting off the ground. Long story short, 6 months later, I had to sell everthing and come home, so broke that we had to move into my wife's mothers house, because we couldn't even afford an apartment. 3 months later, I got the job I am on now. The tiredness was getting worse. Every day after lunch at work, I had to close my office door and power-nap for a half hour, or my mind would turn to mud and I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I would aslo have to crash for an hour when I got home. Friday night, I would go to bed and sleep 12 to 14 hours, get up on Saturday around noon or 1 pm, then have to go back to bed for another 2 to three hours. Sunday, I would have a little energy to go for a short bike ride, then Monday came and the process repeated. By February of this year, I knew that something was out of whack again, so I went back to see the psychiatrist that had prescribed the 60mg. of Celexa and 450mg. of Wellbutrin SR 8 years ago. He further diagnosed me with Atypical depression, coupled with chronic fatigue. He recommended adding Ritalin to help with the chronic fatigue. I was very nervous about this, reminding him emphatically that I am an alchoholic and drug addict. He assured me that the Ritalin would only take care of the chronic fatigue and not affect me in any other way, if I took it as prescribed. He suggested a max. dose of 30mg. in the morning and 30 mg. at lunch, staring at 10mg. first. When I hit 20mg., I stopped. The effect was I could feel my energy level come up a bit and I didn't need to sleep in my office after lunch each day, but my weekends were still all about sleep. I knew the Doctor had said 30mg. was ok, so I moved up to 25mg. Right at this time Jimmy, you and I were talking about your situation and I began getting nervous about my own situation. I cut back to 20mg. immediately, but started drifting back down in energy levels. I tried to move up my appointment with my Doctor, but I can't get in to see him until June 11th. I have written instructions from him that say it is ok to take 30mg. twice a day, but I'm scared sh**less to do it. I know 20mg. ain't cuttin' it and 25mg. just barely keeps me even enough so that I have enough energy when I get home from work, that I don't crash and retreat into myself. My wife Bonnie has said " Thank God for Ritalin ", because now I can have conversations with her again and talk about what's going on inside me. Before the Ritalin, Bonnie said that I was retreated into myself totally, and she couldn't get me to communicate. So you see Jimmy, your experience has stirred things up for me also. I will be asking my Doctor on June 11th if he has any other options to explore to deal with my fatigue than Ritalin. My sobrietry is the most important thing in my life, without sobriety, I am dead, but I also must Trust that God has led me to all the right Doctors in my recovery, to help me along the way. You are sober now Jimmy and everything that you went through was for a reason. You have been helping me through my own issues with prescription medication and I know that posting on this forum about it, is what God wants us to do, to share our experience, strength and hope with all the Brothers and Sisters in this forum and all the newcomers who are watching us from a distance. I love you Jimmy, God has certainly brought us together for a reason...

Love you all......

[Freedom1990]

Rarly, I have had the same experience with some hard core 'no drugs period' AA folks, and the result was I was ready to put a gun to my head right around 4 years sober the second time around.

I have been on antidepressants for several years now, and I have come to accept that I have a chemical imbalance, and can't just 'snap out of it' as the ignorant often say.

The big book encourages us to reach out to other resources when we do need help, and my mental health professionals are all aware that I am in recovery.

I will never forget the story I heard of a woman who worked an AA hotline in a nearby city. A young man in AA called extremely depressed and looking for help. She was one of those people who believed NO DRUGS period in recovery, and proceded to tell him that there must be something wrong with his program if he was on antidepressants. He blew his brains out while on the phone. She said her life changed forever, and she will always have to live with the fact that she said what she said, and he did what he did.

[The_Hammer]

My sobrietry is the most important thing in my life, without sobriety, I am dead, but I also must Trust that God has led me to all the right Doctors in my recovery, to help me along the way. You are sober now Jimmy and everything that you went through was for a reason. You have been helping me through my own issues with prescription medication and I know that posting on this forum about it, is what God wants us to do, to share our experience, strength and hope with all the Brothers and Sisters in this forum and all the newcomers who are watching us from a distance. I love you Jimmy, God has certainly brought us together for a reason...

What an ego I have...sorry man. You are my true brother.

[best]

Having met some of you face to face and having read posts here for a few years, I think I know a few of you very well.
I know myself even better.
What the book says is a good guide. What my heart says I feel is a better guide.
No matter what any one of you say is your birthday... that is "your" birthday in your heart if you are being true to yourself. I personally don't care what your birthday is past today... Today are you sober?
We each have situations in our life that we may have taken an RX or are taking an RX...that is our own business and we can learn, grow, and be healthier for it...even if things go wrong. Each situation in life can teach any of us something.

Are we growing and sharing with others?

Those of you I feel I know, I would stand proudly beside and say... This is my sober brother or This is my sober sister and I would base my words on what your heart tells me today. All any one of us really have is today.

Now if any one of you are not sober today... We can still gather togeher and help one another. If we are all sober today... all the better as we can celebrate with gratefulness in our heart as many being one.
What a wonderful group of people you are. Many individuals that come together and make for a great group of scooter tramps.
Yes I am proud to call each one of you my sober brothers and sisters.

[toad]

Originally Posted by best

What a wonderful group of people you are. Many individuals that come together and make for a great group of scooter tramps.
.

Ya know what we call you?????..............The Servant Best

Thanks for the love and the grace that mends the net. Together we form a net so that when they fall off the "high" wire they won't die.

Just got back home from AA Institutions Weekend in KC......The subject came up about drugs in AA, what a mess that does to the primary purpose. I sat on a panel with professionals on one side and AA's on the other. After having discussed this with you, my brothers and sisters, I was able to support AA, and keep my mouth shut when needed...........I thank you.


B......been
E......enjoying
S......sobriety
T......today ?

you betcha..................toad

[Fulldresser4]

Hammer, Rarly, Best, Hurricane, and the rest...I love ya all...