Alcohol Always Lied to Me..Share this with me?

[Fulldresser4]

I drank for courage...and woke up night after night horrified.

I drank for sophistication...and became crude.

I drank to find peace...and ignited a ware within myself.

I drank to be friendly...and became argumentative and nasty.

I drank to be sexy...and turned people off.

I drank so that I could relate to others..and I babbled.

I drank to put down lonliness..and found myself retreating more.

I drank to relax...and woke up tense.

I drank to be entertaining...and became and obnoxious clown.

I drank to live more fully...and contemplated suicide.

I drank for adventure..and discovered disaster.

I drank to be more honest...and insulted everyone I know.

I drank to quiet my nerves..and woke up with a hangover.

I drank to feel better..and ended up sick and throwing up.

I drank to have fun..and passed out before the party ended.

I drank to pep myself up..and ended up exhausted.

I drank to feel succesful..but ended up a failure.

I drank for security..and became afraid of myself.

I drank to feel better about myself..and ended up hating me.

I drank to prove I could handled alcohol..and ended up knowing it

Controlled me.

[best]

I just love it when new comers get it.
They share so much of what they find that it helps us all remember why we don't pick up that first one.

Thank you FD

[TonyB]

I drank because I'm an alcoholic. I didn't need a reason to drink. A lot of the time Alcohol its self gave me reason to drink.
When I was in rehab someone told me "Tony, normal people don't drink in the shower." I just couldn't understand that. It made perfect sense to me.
I have learned that the biggest con wasn't alcohol, it was Tony. Alcohol never made me any promises it couldn't keep, but Tony did all of the time. Everything on your list is an example of how I used to con myself. I thought I needed it. I felt certain of failure without it. It was a self fulfilling prophecy of complete ciaos. I conned myself until the bitter end. Only though complete defeat, AA and my HP was I able to find relief. I had to get honest with Tony. Something I hadn't done in a long time.
Thanks for sharing that.
TB

[recoveringnky]

I shared this with the women I talked to at the jail meetings I did in my home county. They really, really liked it as they could relate to it. I think we all can, ya know! Thanks for sharing FD!!
Hugs,
Kym

[best]

Originally Posted by TonyB

When I was in rehab someone told me "Tony, normal people don't drink in the shower." I just couldn't understand that. It made perfect sense to me.

hahaha I can laugh now but I do remember a day wondering why they don't have cupholders and ashtrays in a shower.

[The_Hammer]

In the end it was cuz I had to. I considered myself an alcoholic addict of the helpless and hopeless nature. I knew I was gonna die and I didn't care, I wanted to die. I just didn't wanna go out with a bullet in the brain; although night after night, I sat on the living room floor with a fifth, an plateful of coke and smoke and started bongin and drinkin until i had the guts (cowardice) enough to pick up my Browning Nine Mil and pop one off in my mouth. Meanwhile my sweet loved ones wept.

[Rarly Harley]

I drank to fill the hole inside me, a hole I was born with. When I took my first drink, the hole magically closed up and I felt complete, for the first time in my life. Booze & drugs kept the hole filled for about 10 years, then the hole started to open up a bit and bleed. As the next 10 years wore on, the bleeding got worse, sores started to appear around the edges and pus started to seep from the sores. It started to stink and I retreated into dark corners where I thought that nobody could see me. I became totally disgusted with myself. I didn't care whether I lived or died. I couldn't stand myself drinking or sober. I was at the jumping off place. An infintismal flicker of hope remained inside me, enough to give me the courage to go to my first A.A. meeting. Through God, A.A. and all my Brothers and Sisters in recovery, I have finally found the recipe for filling the hole without booze or drugs. For the first few years in recovery, I tried to fill the hole with work, then toys, then becoming " Bill Wilson reincarnated " in A.A. itself. None of that filled the hole. I have finally discovered that the hole inside me is a " God sized " hole and the only thing that can fill it is God himself. This has been my journey so far and I intend to continue the work I need to do, to continue to grow spiritually. For me, this is the answer that I sought for 20 years, through booze and drugs. I thank God and all my Brothers and Sisters in A.A. for allowing me to stumble, trip, fall down, get up, dust myself off and keep going, on my spiritual journey.....

[Freedom1990]

I know, for me, I don't ever remember being comfortable in my own skin, beginning in my childhood.

That only increased as I got older, and good old alcohol loosened me up enough I could be whatever I wanted, or so I thought.

I have to remember I was no longer that funny drunk on a bar stool when I was taken to rehab, so close to death they said it was just a matter of days.

I'll never forget the feelings of being in a room full of people and still lonely as hell inside.

Today I feel complete, comfortable in my own skin, and I have countless friends in the rooms of AA, not to mention a few normies out there!

What gifts God and the program of AA have given me.

[BillJ]

Originally Posted by Rarly Harley

I drank to fill the hole inside me, a hole I was born with. When I took my first drink, the hole magically closed up and I felt complete, for the first time in my life.

I spent my entire drinking career trying to recreate the magic of that first drink. Futile search. Only a Higher Power could fill that hole in me, and alcohol wasn't high-powered enough to do the job.

[Fulldresser4]

Thank you for the replies. I am so glad that it helped some. I realize now that I offended others in making "excuses" for being an alcoholic. That was not my intention at all, only to share what alcohol has done to me, and to those I offended, I apologize. I fully realize that I am an alcoholic, and that what I have done I have done to myself.

[Hurricane]

No need for apologies, your just traveling the same road of recovery we have all traveled. Your right on schedule. glad your doing well.

[TonyB]

FD4,
I agree with Jimmy,
You have no need to apologize. I don't think anyone was "offended", and I know I certainly was not. You just keep coming back.
TB

[recoveringnky]

Ditto on what Tony and Hurricane said, FD4! No need to apologize!!

Hugs,
Kym

[The_Hammer]

Keep comin back it works(if ya work it)-you nothin to me, let alone an apology.

[Rarly Harley]

FD4: I have never met anyone who had to apologize for having cancer, diabetes, lukemia, or any other potentially fatal illness. Please remember that alchoholism and drug addiction are fatal illnesses, if not treated. Nothing to apologize for having either one, in my humble opinion. Once I was able to see, admit and accept my alchoholism, then it became my responsibility to accept the freely offered treatment for my disease. If I had refused the treatment, due to my own pride and ego, then I would have something to apologize for, as I continued to destroy my life and the lives of all those close to me. You are reaching out for help, my Sister, you have nothing to apologize for. We are all pulling for you, love you and know exactly how it feels to be in your shoes.....

[toad]

Originally Posted by Fulldresser4

Thank you for the replies. I am so glad that it helped some. I realize now that I offended others in making "excuses" for being an alcoholic. That was not my intention at all, only to share what alcohol has done to me, and to those I offended, I apologize. I fully realize that I am an alcoholic, and that what I have done I have done to myself.

No appology necessary. I do thank you for your concern for us. I appreciate all that you share here on this forum........all.

The reason I drank comes right out of the Big Book in the Doctors Opinion.

Share this with me:

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol." (Dr. Silkworth)

I drank for the buzz and then after there was no buzz, I drank to not feel the way I did when I was not drinking. The effect produced by alcohol, was always the reason, it was sometimes good, sometimes not so good, but it changed the way I felt.

Today I realize that what I thought was a good feeling was nothing compared to the way I feel today clean and sober.....I don't want to go back to the way it was, and I don't have to.........

Love you sis............thanks for sharing.........toad

[Fulldresser4]

Thanks....I have the "overly sensitive alkie syndrome" and I read into everything. It drives DH crazy sometimes. Does anyone else to this? I have always, ever since I was really little, been presented with a situation, question, or problem and "thought ahead" if that makes any sense at all. Like, what if this happens or what if that happens, or blah blah blah. I think the best thing I have ever taken out of a meeting was when I was in detox the second time was a guy who said this (obviously not verbatim)....
An addict or alcoholic is asked to take the cap off a pen. The addict or alcoholic says,
1 - For how long?
2 - What color is the pen?
3 - What is the purpose of taking the cap off the pen?
4 - Are we going to write with the pen?
5 - WHY!
Etc....that sooo hit home with me.

[The_Hammer]

Originally Posted by Fulldresser4

Thanks....I have the "overly sensitive alkie syndrome" and I read into everything. It drives DH crazy sometimes. Does anyone else to this? I have always, ever since I was really little, been presented with a situation, question, or problem and "thought ahead" if that makes any sense at all. Like, what if this happens or what if that happens, or blah blah blah. I think the best thing I have ever taken out of a meeting was when I was in detox the second time was a guy who said this (obviously not verbatim)....
An addict or alcoholic is asked to take the cap off a pen. The addict or alcoholic says,
1 - For how long?
2 - What color is the pen?
3 - What is the purpose of taking the cap off the pen?
4 - Are we going to write with the pen?
5 - WHY!
Etc....that sooo hit home with me.

You are not unique.