How am I going to pay for all of this...

[Fulldresser4]

Wanted to share this with ya'll, from the Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul, hope this isn't a copyright issue...

Pat is cut from the same basic cloth as his brother in the fellowship, Frank. Pat had a rought start in the program, relpasing often until he finally "figured it out" as he says.
Pat was a "wrecker" when he drank. He'd tear things apart, knock down walls and leave a mess everywhere he went. This destruction was always carried out in a black-out. He says most of his sober time was spend paying for all the damage he caused while on his drinking sprees.

One night, during a blacked-out relapse in a tornado came through the town and he was holed up in. Cars were turned over, roofs torn off houses, trees uprooted. In the morning when he staggered to the door of the motel he was in and saw the damage, he said, he wailed, "Holy God!! How am I going to pay for all of this??"

I am feeling like my avatar today, seeing, knowing, going to meetings, but just not getting it, blackouts getting ever nearer..Pray for me, ILYATNYCDAI!!

Prayers and love to you all...

The meeting I went to again on Sunday, so awesome, I just don't know why I can't freakin' get it...One guy said that I never hit the "bottom" some of you experienced, that is how I feel. But he said he is so blessed to have hit "his" bottom. I see those pour souls just coming into detox with the hospital tag on...I was there twice...I want this but WTF is holding me back? Anyhow, sorry to whine, I just really wanted to share this story...

Hammer, prayers to you brother!

So....Tell me what ya think?

[best]

What are you trying to get that you are not getting?
You see the struggles you go through but are you seeing that you are powerless yet? Maybe still think you can do it. Handle the struggles and fight your way through? There is an easier way. Stop the fight as you accept that alcohol is stronger then you are. The bully on the block is alcohol. It will hold you down till you say you have had enough and once you understand that the action of surrender is the power over alcohol, you will start to see how recovery works. You will start to see the steps come alive in your life.

Reaching our bottom is life forcing us to that point of surrender. Accept that point or life will provide it for you. The thing is though... how far down is that point where you accept what life delivers? Accept it now or continue to pay the price of struggle or worse that life will give you to help you find your surrender point.
Add alcohol into my system and I become powerless over the things alcohol does to my system. I know this and accept it and I won't pick up that first drink because of knowing it.

We need to let go to gain.

[toad]

You're at the bottom when you lay the shovel down and stop digging.

Many of the stories in the Big Book of AA are there so that we can see where the path we are on goes. If I am headed down a dead end road, I don't have to go all the way to the end to turn around. As soon as I know that the road goes no where, I can turn around anywhere.

Being a Vietnam Vet I was a low bottom drunk and addict. When I would wake up sick and in jail I could always rationalize the situation and say, "at least I am alive, and no one is shooting at me." With this mentality, my bottom was death. That alone allowed me to drink and use many years longer than I needed to. Today as I look back I realize that I had the oportunity to turn my life around many times, but choose not to. I sufferred the misery and remorse of addiction for years. By the grace of God, I was able to live long enough to get into the progam of AA, and learn how to live life one day at a time, on life's terms........not an easy thing, I am still learning, and hope I always keep an open mind so as to continue to learn.....................

I love you and there is not a damn thing you can do about it...........toad

[chris k]

Sounds to me like you aren't done yet Dresser.

[recoveringnky]

FD4:
Allow me to share the meditation I read today from Recovery Lane. I think it may help you or at least give you some hope. Getting sober and staying sober has allowed my "soul sickness" to heal. I was able to heal through AA and AA lead me back to my higher power. I'm grateful today that I did not have to reach the pits of hell, so to speak, to realize that I have an addiction and that my only option is to not pick up the first one....ever again....just for today. I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
Love and hugs,
Kym


Wisdom for Today

“Once an alcoholic or addict – always one!” If we keep drinking and using, we only get worse. The only question is how quickly and how bad. There is no cure for this disease. It can only be arrested. We are granted a daily reprieve and must make choices one day at a time how we are going to live. It does not matter how long I have been clean and sober. I know if I were to go back it would not take long, and I would be as bad or worse off than I was when I was first granted this daily reprieve. In looking at the history of the program, this point has been proven over and over. No one has been able to go back and recapture the “good old times.”

Finally, I came to my bottom. For each of us this bottom is relative. Many of us lose jobs or family. Many are financially devastated and left broke. Some end up in jails and prisons, and others in hospitals or institutions. Regardless of how far down we have traveled, all of us have a profound soul sickness. We become spiritually bankrupt. We hate what we have become and our way of living. I did not think life was worth living anymore. I was left with no choice except to die or do something about it. Am I glad that I have chosen to do something about my addiction? Am I making good choices just for today?

Meditations for the Heart

Faith is not a matter of my heart or mind seeing; it is simply a matter of trusting. I was not sure that I could even make it in recovery. I came into the program and saw others making it. I was close-minded. I had no vision for the future. Fortunately I did not need this vision. God is not in a box. He is not contained in space or time. He is timeless and not limited in space. His vision for my life was all that I needed. I came to believe that God’s vision for me was better than my vision. I was trapped inside this box that addiction created. God was not trapped by this box and could see for me things that I could not see for myself. He knew where I needed to go and what I needed to do. All I needed to do was find faith to believe that God could and would lead me out of the box. Today I recognize that even this faith that I received is a gift of His grace. I did not come to believe on my own. I came to believe because He helped me believe. Have I gotten a vision of faith since coming into the program?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,

Today I want to walk in harmony with You. Help me this day to follow You with eyes of faith. Strengthen my belief that You are in my life to help me out of the box of addiction. Grant that I may find healing for my soul sickness. Lead me on the path that leads to serenity.
Amen.

[Rarly Harley]

FD4: My Sister Kym has answered your question in a most eloquent manner. I will not presume to do any better. What I will do however, is reiterate my recovery mantra to you. If you want to stop sinking, put down the darn shovel. Remember this: We alchoholics are all the same, in that we will not surrender, till the pain of staying where we are, becomes greater than the fear of letting go and venturing into the unknown. Let me get visual for you....

Right now, you have taken your first few steps onto the bridge of faith. This bridge begins in the murky, black morass that you have lived in until now. It is all you know and your "friend" is there. Your "friend" is still comfortable sitting up to his armpits in the black ooze, calling out to you "where are you going?", as you take your few tentative steps across the bridge. The bridge is encased in fog and you can't see where it leads to, but you are sick and tired of living in the black ooze. You are also full of fear, heading into the unknown, even though the only life you know is killing you. You are being encouraged by us in this forum and by the people you meet in your meetings, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, across this bridge. You are scared shi*less, but you want to believe what we are telling you is true. You keep putting one foot in front of the other. Very soon, the fog will clear enough so that you have glimpses of the beautiful shore-line at the end of the bridge. You won't be able to see anything over there very clearly, but you will see sunshine and not fog. Your "friend" in the black ooze will really try to get you to go back now. He hates it when someone leaves. He will try anything in the book to work on you to go back. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Very soon the fog will lift and you will see smiling faces on the beach, shouting words of encouragement to you. Your pace will quicken and your heart will beat faster. You won't be able to hear the shouts from your "friend" anymore. You will burst onto the beach into a circle of smiling faces, welcoming and hugging you. You will be home at last...

P.S. If you haven't already figured it out, your "friend" is the disease of alchoholism, trying to keep it's talons into you, so he can deliver you to his final destination, death.....

[The_Hammer]

wow, I needed to hear these things too. Kym and Rar andd toad, thanks for writin it down from yer hearts...

[Doug]

Originally Posted by Fulldresser4

....but just not getting it, blackouts getting ever nearer..Pray for me, ILYATNYCDAI!!

Blackouts getting nearer? Does that mean you're still drinking?

[Jazzed_N_MD]

Originally Posted by Fulldresser4

....but just not getting it, blackouts getting ever nearer..Pray for me, ILYATNYCDAI!!

Originally Posted by Doug

Blackouts getting nearer? Does that mean you're still drinking?

That's what it sounds like Dresser, like yer not done...