Fruits of Sobriety

[TonyB]

My wife and I had an interesting conversation this morning.
She was talking about how I no longer fear my emotions and how anger is no longer my default emotion.
First of all, its nothing short of a miracle to be able to have that conversation with her. Just another one of the gifts this program has given me.
She hit the nail right on the head though. Just like the 12x12 talks about; I used to be ruled by frustration, anger and a crippling fear. Through the tools in this program (called the 12 steps) I have been able to pretty much elevate all of my frustrations and fears. Frustration being my inability or refusal to accept God's will for me. Fear being my inability or refusal to trust in God first.
Anger - Well, as I have said before. Anger was a default emotion for me. If I didn't know how to feel, I would just flip over to anger. If I didn't want you to know how I felt, I would just flip over to anger. Anger worked pretty well for me. It kept me isolated and often times justified (falsely) me staying in my disease. When I first got sober... Well, lets just say that I feared anger... How messed up is that? I understood it was poisonous to me as an alcoholic so I would run and hide from it. Not a good place to dwell. I don't feel that way today. Not at all. What this program has taught me is to see where the anger comes from, what my role was in the incident and how to defuse it. Many times I have been able to turn the negative into a positive. A far cry from what it used to be like.
Today I feel that when I look in the mirror it's like "oh, there you are" and not the feelings of disgust and utter loathing. Also another benefit of sobriety and the 12 steps.
I feel like I am becoming the man that God had originally intended me to be and not the man that was made by my "self-will run riot".
I owe my life to AA and I'm actually proud to be an AA. It no longer has the stigma it used to have to me. I have found peace with being an alcoholic and accept that I always will be. It's just whether I'm in recovery or practicing my disease.
Thanks for letting me share and for giving me my life.
Chief

[toad]

Originally Posted by TonyB

Well, lets just say that I feared anger... How messed up is that?

Sort of like fearing fear..........but it makes sense to me.

Originally Posted by TonyB

Many times I have been able to turn the negative into a positive. A far cry from what it used to be like.

I used to burn bridges behind me, never thinking that someday I might want to pass that way again. God in doing for me what I could not do for myself, has rebuilt many bridges in my life.

Good AA talk Tony, thanks for sharing. Exactly what I needed to hear today.

[Rarly Harley]

Originally Posted by TonyB

Anger was a default emotion for me. If I didn't know how to feel, I would just flip over to anger. If I didn't want you to know how I felt, I would just flip over to anger. Anger worked pretty well for me. It kept me isolated and often times justified (falsely) me staying in my disease. When I first got sober... Well, lets just say that I feared anger... How messed up is that? I understood it was poisonous to me as an alcoholic so I would run and hide from it. Not a good place to dwell. I don't feel that way today. Not at all. What this program has taught me is to see where the anger comes from, what my role was in the incident and how to defuse it. Many times I have been able to turn the negative into a positive. A far cry from what it used to be like.Chief

Tony My Brother, you have helped me immensely with this post. You reminded me what recovery is all about. All these years in recovery and if I don't know what emotion I'm supposed to feel, it is too easy for me to reach inside and pull out the anger defense. You are a fine example of recovery Brother. Ain't AA grand...?

[TonyB]

Originally Posted by toad

God in doing for me what I could not do for myself, has rebuilt many bridges in my life.

Toad,
My Mountain Grove Mand Man...You said it all. Every day God does for me what I can not do for myself.
Amen.

[JackieG]

Hi Tony

Thank you so much for that share, it was exactly what I need to hear/read today.

Thanks

[The_Hammer]

A lotta times I will be layin in the rack prayin in the morning before wor and whatnot, and realize that a shortcoming that I had given over to my HP is relatively gone! So, I am sayin; Wow! How long have ya had that one Lord? Gives me a couple of real bright spots to start my day off on! Right on Tony.