Dealing with emotional pain

[recoveringnky]

Hi ya'll. I am going through some intense emotional pain right now. After I read what my friend Bill and his wife are going through, I thought "wow, where do I get off feeling like crap", and had decided not to share what's going on with me. After some more thinking, I realized that however insignificant I may think my issue is in comparison to someone elses problems, I'm still feeling what I'm feeling and I still need to get rid of the pain. So, please hang with me while I share.

My girlfriend, whom I've known since the 7th grade, died last Tuesday. She was 43 and left behind a 16 year old daughter. Carla was a single mom. She had lost her dad 2 years ago and her mom last year. She was left with only her brother and her daughter. Carla worked at the women's prison back home in Eastern Kentucky for about 10 - 15 years as the warden's assistant. When a new woman warden took over a few months ago, Carla was demoted and someone else came in to take her place. The paper said it was "because of poor job performance although Carla's desk was covered in awards and certificates for outstanding performance". Nonetheless, apparently Carla was having a meeting with the new warden last Tuesday morning. The paper said that after their discussion and as Carla was leaving the room, the warden stated that Carla turned toward the warden and shot herself straight in the heart. It was Carla's gun as verified by her brother who also worked at the prison.

There are so many unanswered questions and I know I may never know the truth, no matter what the "investigation" turns up. However, I'm left here hurting and lost. I'm upset...no pissed off really. Pissed that Carla brought the gun to the prison (although how she got it in there, I may never know); pissed that she was so distraught that she felt the need to bring the gun into the office; pissed that I wasn't tuned in enough to her to know that she needed me; pissed that my conscious was telling me to call and check on her the past few weeks and I didn't; just plain old pissed......

Now, I KNOW that acceptance is the answer...I realize this. I realize it's not my place to KNOW everything; to be "tuned in" to a friend's needs etc. I realize all of this. It doesn't, however, stop me from being angry, hurt, sad....the why's get to me. They do. I know that God knows why and maybe someday I may know why, but not now. I realize this fact, but I'm not buying into it right now...not yet. I'm just not there I guess.

I know that in time, and as I use this program to help me, the pain will subside and life will go on. It's just that right now, at this moment, I'm hurting and the only way I can deal with the pain is to let it out. Drinking or drugging to drown it was the old Kym. But not today; today I choose to use the AA way of life to deal with all of this.

Thanks for letting me share.

ILYATATYCDAI!!!!!

Kym

[TonyB]

Kym,
My heart goes out to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear that today.
God Bless you,
Tony

[Rarly Harley]

Kym: You are doing all the right things My Sister. May I suggest a few extra meetings also...?
I have been in your shoes. About 14 years ago one of my sponsees and good friends, went back out and got good and drunk. Then he went home and wanted to get "romantic" with his wife. She would have none of it, but he forced himself on her anyway. She left him and he called me. Jim was in another town and he came to the Sault to stay with me a few days. We hashed it all out real good, went to several meetings and by the time he left for home, I thought he was OK. Wrong...! He went back to Manitouwadge and killed himself. On my solo ride up to Manitouwadge for the funeral I was mad as hell. I blamed Jim, then myself. I wanted someone to blame. After I had vented real good about it, I was able to attend the funeral, even got up and did the eulogy at the request of Jim's family. I would never have been able to do it without God's help. All I can tell you is that I never let go of God or A.A. through the whole deal and I attended lots of extra meetings and talked to lots of other A.A.'s about it. I had to feel my emotions about it to heal. In time, I became Ok with it. I still miss Jim and I can't figure out why he did it. God knows though...The only cure for my emotional pain was prayer, meetings and time....I will pray for you Kym and for Carla and her daughter....

[toad]

Hey Kym,

Suicide always leaves us empty on the inside, with all kinds of questions. Many questions never get answered. My step-son committed suicide in 1990, his mother, my wife never allowed herself to recover. She died of an overdose in 1995. We had been divorced for less than a year. We divorced because I wanted to get sober, she was not ready yet....after her death I stayed loaded for another 3 yrs. By the grace of God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am alive. I am so sorry for you my friend.

God gave Rarly the words of healing...........we are blessed indeed to have this group of friends.

[recoveringnky]

Originally Posted by toad

Hey Kym,
God gave Rarly the words of healing...........we are blessed indeed to have this group of friends.

How very true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you guys!

[The_Hammer]

After some more thinking, I realized that however insignificant I may think my issue is in comparison to someone elses problems, I'm still feeling what I'm feeling and I still need to get rid of the pain. So, please hang with me while I share.

Ya know sis, too bloody often we let our heads get in the way of everything. Most of the time we drunks are cursed with a better than average intellect and can skull screw ourselves into believing or feeling the stupidest carp ever spawned on the face of the Earth. Like; "What I feel doesn't matter..." and some such other nonsense.

I remember feeling much the same way when ^$%#^ killed my bro Bobcat. I even contemplated reconnecting with people I know behind the prison walls to have him "Welcomed". Talk about stinkin thinkin. Emotion can be a drunks worst enemy too. But tempered with prayer, sweetened with love and conditioned with moderation, it is just what the HP ordered.

When Icepick is out on the road workin, I will often air my feelings among you blessed brothers and sisters and my HP makes sure I get exactly what I need. What a treasure we have in each other! I like callin Rarly now and again to bug him too. It's a gift we have given one another freely. A gift that I certainly treasure as I mentioned previously. Come, as you are. That's just the way we love ya sister.

[BillJ]

Kym,

Please don't let your mind talk you out of sharing what needs to be shared. Pain is pain, my sister, and no one's pain is "more than" or "less than" anyone else's.

Like others here, I've lost people I love to suicide. One was a sister in this program. I may have been the last person to speak with her that Sunday evening, right before she went home and OD'd, and I never had a clue that anything was wrong. She talked about how much faith she was feeling, etcetera, and just had it all going on, but what was she really doing? She was talking herself out of sharing what needs to be shared.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to us. We're here to hear, to share and to love.

I've had you in my prayers all along, but I will add Carla, her daughter, and the warden who was forced to witness that to my list.

[Hurricane]

So sory for your loss Kym.
I'll be praying for you all.

[best]

A stubbed toe hurts as much as a broken bone. It is the same pain.
When we hurt we share so that each of us can carry a piece of the pain for the other.

Kym

I will never know the answers. When things happen in a prison, we never get the answers or maybe we do but we will always question if the answers are the truth.

Would have
Could have
Should have

You will ask and tell yourself those three many times and the end results will never change.
I would have stopped it if I could. You would have for your friend as well.
I should have... but I am not a fortune teller. If we could see the future...but we can't.
As for the could have... Unless we can stay awake for 24 hours a day for eternity and follow people around every second of the day... well we would have a better chance at preventing things but if someone wants to do something bad enough, we remain powerless even then.

A friend is gone and no matter how she left this earth, you will grow past the loss as memories of her friendship fill your thoughts in the future.
I still miss the best friend I ever had. I still don't have the answers of the how or why but I do find myself filled with a peace and have a smile these days when I remember how much of a friend he was.

Prayers for you in this time. May the doubt, anger, sadness, and grief pass for you quickly. Prayers for her daughter as well. You can be a comfort for her daughter. As the opportunity to do so shows up, may the Lord fill you with the right words or actions. Holding a hand or a hug can surpass words many times.

[recoveringnky]

Thanks to each of you for your words of wisdom, kindness and love. I so appreciate each and every one of you, I really do!

I've been continuing to pray asking God to let me know that Carla was okay. Yesterday I finally took the time to meditate and listen for the answers. Today.....I feel such peace in my heart. Ya'll our HP talks to us if we take the time to listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I love sobriety! and ya'll too!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!
Kym