Love and tolerance of others is our code.

[toad]

I would like to share something if I may? I want to thank everyone here for letting me rant about this.

I take meetings into the prison in my home state. I go in on some mondays and every friday. We are having great meetings. I have been doing this for about two and a half years. For the first year myself, my sponsor, and another AA went to only the monday meetings. A couple of other guys were taking meetings in on friday. They started slacking off and many times there was no one helping from the outside. I started attending on fridays to take up the slack. It is not as if this takes place around the block, it is an 80 mile round trip for me and 150 mile trip for one of the fellows on Monday's.

About a year ago we had a guy show up in town from out of state to help his elderly father. He is a vietnam vet like myself, and he has over 25 yrs in the program. He comes in and out of town. He will stay a few months and be gone for a month or so. He seemed to have some good recovery, so I asked him if he wanted to come in the prison on friday's with me. I got him all the applications and pulled a few strings with the local prison officals to get him quickly accepted so he could help us. That was when I had my first negative run in with him. He said that the system was screwed up. I quickly let him know that everyone had bent over backwards for him. He said some smart remark and I came unglued. I got over it and did a 10th step on my part. He started going in the prison with me on fridays. I wish now that I would have never asked him to help out.

He seems to ramble at times about his sobriety, does not carry a big book, and talks about vietnam at every meeting. I have reached the point where I can't stand to be around him. It could be the vietnam thing, I don't know exactly, but I am tired of hearing about it at every meeting we attend together. I tried to push him off on the guys that were going on mondays, and one guy (23 yrs) said that if he had to ride 80 miles with him, that he was going to throw him out of the car. He did not mean that in the literal sense.

I have started going to other meetings on friday after the prison to avoid having to ride, or have him ride with me. He never helps set up or take down any of the meetings in this town, yak yak yak is all I hear from him. He is loud, and arrogant, and talks about how mean he is. At the prison he lectures......man those guys don't want to hear that. Experience, strength and hope.........is what works.

Tonight at my home meeting he showed up 50 minutes late and rattled on about working on his house....after the meeting I asked him to help us put stuff up. He did not. He finally at the end of putting the tables back like they were, moved one chair. I told him that I was glad that he helped, that I didn't think that he was going too. He smarted back with something, and I held my tongue. After everyone had left it was just my sponsor (49 yrs), him and myself. I got honest and said that our personalities clashed and did not want to go in the prison with him anymore. I offered to let him have the friday meeting if he would committ to going every friday. It is so important to the inmates that we demonstrate intregity in attendence (meeting makers make it). He said he couldn't do this and I knew it.....I guess he has agreed not to go in anymore. I was shaking, I wanted to get physical. Anybody know what I mean? I hope that this is over. We'll see........thanks for letting me rant........God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

My sponsor said that I did the right thing by having someone else present when I confronted him. And that I was honest.

I know that I am not going to like everyone in AA........but I must love and tolerate them......

I'm through......love all of you and you can't do anything about it.........toad

[toad]

A few hours have passed since I wrote this. It is 2am and I am having trouble sleeping because of this experience. As I read over what I wrote, what comes to my mind is that I'm not so easy to get along with either.

I asked my sponsor after the meeting tonight when it was just the two of us, if he thought I should do a 10 step. He said he didn't think it was necessary, but by coming forward with it now I could have avoided a much more serious problem later. But somehow I feel guilty about the whole thing. If I have hurt this persons feelings, I could be wrong. The Big Book doesn't say "tough" love and tolerance is our code.

Do I have the right (I am reminded about what Dr. Paul said about "rights"), to cause someone emotional pain to make myself feel better? I know one thing, by getting involved in this I have lost some serenity.

It might be that this guy doesn't give a flip about any of it, is sleeping good tonight, and tomorrow will be as arrrogent as ever.........see how my mind works? Am I nuts?

Anyway...........I ain't going to get drunk over it........even if I take a butt whippin' it ain't that important............toad

[best]

Originally Posted by toad

I was shaking, I wanted to get physical. Anybody know what I mean?

Not saying this is your case. I am saying this is what I found in myself.

Last time I wanted to get physical and had the shakes because of it, I figured out after what caused it in me. The person in question that I allowed to get on my nerves was reminding me of my old nasty self. It wasn't him that I disliked, it was my old self that I had not delt with as of yet.
The guy in question for me was a few cards short of a full deck and I hope one day he finds his missing cards. Once I realized where my own anger was coming from, it became easy for me to pray for him and ask that the Lord bring him what is needed to find his missing cards and maybe start a life with a full deck.
I learned a valuable lesson that day and the next time someone started to get to me, I was able to stay in the moment rather then get myself upset.

[best]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Love and tolerance is our code.

and from an Anon view point...or any other view point...

Love isn't making ourself a doormate. It is being honest and helping others by providing their needs...not their wants.

Our every action brings consequences. Our poor actions can bring us unhappy consequences. If his poor actions had you become honest and straight forward with him... you did right but your the one not sleeping.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Tolerance is one thing.
Acceptance of rude behavior is not tolerance...it is making ourself to become a door mate.
Boundaries work to keep our space at peace. You set a boundary and did so in love even with high emotions inside.

[Rarly Harley]

Originally Posted by toad

About a year ago we had a guy show up in town from out of state to help his elderly father. He is a vietnam vet like myself, and he has over 25 yrs in the program. He comes in and out of town. He will stay a few months and be gone for a month or so. He seemed to have some good recovery, so I asked him if he wanted to come in the prison on friday's with me. I got him all the applications and pulled a few strings with the local prison officals to get him quickly accepted so he could help us. That was when I had my first negative run in with him. He said that the system was screwed up. I quickly let him know that everyone had bent over backwards for him. He said some smart remark and I came unglued. I got over it and did a 10th step on my part. He started going in the prison with me on fridays. I wish now that I would have never asked him to help out.

Sounds like you stepped over the God-line Bro. It's not up to you to "save" the Friday meeting. Pray for him, let it all go and stick to what your guts tell you. That's how I know where the God-line is. When my emotions flare up and I'm not sleeping properly, I've stepped over the God-line again in some area....Love ya Toad.

[Hurricane]

I bet the guys in the pen are grateful

[toad]

Originally Posted by Rarly Harley

Sounds like you stepped over the God-line Bro. It's not up to you to "save" the Friday meeting. Pray for him, let it all go and stick to what your guts tell you. That's how I know where the God-line is. When my emotions flare up and I'm not sleeping properly, I've stepped over the God-line again in some area....Love ya Toad.

Rarly, you sound like my sponsor this morning. I have to pray for this guy, on my knees, first thing every morning, till Feburary 5th. I have to pray for everything good for him that I want for myself.

You wrote: "That's how I know where the God-line is. When my emotions flare up and I'm not sleeping properly"

That is the truth, I better understand why I am troubled.

[The_Hammer]

You and brother Rar got this thing pegged-but I would like to add somethin my own sponsor told me once. After I had been lettin some fella bug me for a spell. Icepick says to me; "Jimmy, when ya gonna kick this fella outta your house?" I says back at Ice; I don't know what ya mean." And Ice proceeded to tell me that I was lettin this brother live in my head rent free and I hadda kick him out. The whole thing laid in my lap. For one thing, aint no one can hurt a man lest he let him hurt him...dig it toad? Ol Ice is a pretty sharp dude. He keeps things real simple for me cuz I'm a bit dense from the neck up and what little gray matter I have left, I aint learnt how to use real fancy yet.

I am missin ya bro, I'm really lookin toward bein blessed to ride with ya long side again. I wanna thank ya once more for turnin us on to that ride through the Amish lands-it stands as one of the finest I have rode. Maybe it was the company I was with!

ILYATAATYCDAI (I love ya and there aint a thing ya can do about it)

[toad]

Thanks Jimmy..........So true about allowing someone to hang around in my head without paying rent.

This morning my sponsor came by unannounced, and apologized in case he had been too caloused in his attitude in telling me to pray. I assure him everything was alright. As soon as he left I called the guy I had the hassel with and explained about his bringing up vietnam at every meeting and how it was affecting me. The conversation did not go bad, it was not long, and I was able to touch base with him. I have decided to stay away from him, I am looking forward to attending some meetings in other towns that I had not been able to attend because of my involvement here. I am not running from this guy, just trying to keep myself out of trouble and stay sober. I am not the first person that has had trouble with him so I am not alone.

Here is the real kicker today, check this out. My pastors wife called me this afternoon and said that someone had called her about some young man who had just got out of treatment and was living in a shed. She said he was hungry and needed food. My church has what we call the Love Center where we give out food four days a week every week. The pastors wife said he did not have a ride and would I help. I knew that this was God telling me to get off the pity-pot and get back to work. I went and picked him up and took him to get some food. I had an opportunity to share my experience, strenght, and hope with him. He wants to stay clean and sober, and said he wants to go to meetings. I agreed to pick him up tomorrow evening and give him a ride to the meeting. Just sharing with this guy changed my whole attitude.........amazing.

Of course the Big Book states that "when all else fails, working with another alcoholic works."

Rode my scooter 20 miles today.......35 degrees at 80 mph helped me clear my mind. I had a bad case of PMS

56 days till spring

ILYATNADTYCDAI

[Hurricane]

Still planning on making Circle of Unity this spring Toad ?
I'm ready to ride.

[toad]

Originally Posted by Hurricane

Still planning on making Circle of Unity this spring Toad ?
I'm ready to ride.

Send me the information, I want to make it. Jerry from Oakland will probably come with me.

"Springtime in the Ozarks" at Eureka Springs Arkansas is April 18-20. I have two rooms reserved at Best Western. Some really great rides in the mountains around Eureka. Big time AA convention with great circuit speakers. Had around 2,500 AA's last year.....If you want to go, bring your sleeping bag and you can stay in the room with us. (all you other Run For Life'ers are welcome too)............

ILYATNADTYCDAI