a few jokes to relieve the stress

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Christmas Carols For the Disturbed...

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- -Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I..ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you..ve been bad or good--so let..s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that..s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you..re sleeping--and you don..t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I..ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?


THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his
father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father,
surprised,
answers,"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her
twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties &
forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit.
After
fifty, they
are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they
make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,
"Mom, how
many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised,
smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his
twenties,
his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties
&
forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After
his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??""Yes
dear,
dead from the root up and the balls
are for decoration only."


I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I
AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one ARE
you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied,
"What happened to my booger?"

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