Step One. Surrender.

[Rarly Harley]

Let's share our own stories about how we surrendered, joined AA/NA and completed Step One......

Alchohol was my best friend for a number of years. Probably from age 20 to 30. It allowed me to be and do anything I wanted. It was the solution to all my problems (so I thought). By 1982, however, I had crossed the invisible line from binge/party drinking, to active alchoholism, but I didn't know it. I was flying striker's colours for a 1% club and my handle was "Mad Dog". I could perform this role easily enough when I was drunk and stoned, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to face what I had done the next morning.

An internal "tug of war" began in my guts. I didn't like that much, so the sure cure to terminate the internal battle was to drink upon awakening. I had completely turned away from organized religion and everything it stood for, but even though I had abandoned all that, there was a power at work in my life. In late 1982, the girl I had taken hostage told me she was pregnant. I immediately responded with "let's get married then". This response did not come from me. I had always cut and run all my life, if any girls got too close.

I got married, quit the club and moved north. Only trouble was, I took me with me. I worked in a sawmill in White River. My drinking got worse. I would disappear for days at a time. We had a son, but that didn't slow me down. I made a home made bomb (plastic bag with proprietory gas mixture...LOL) for the Halloween dance at the Legion Hall. At the end of the dance, when the dancefloor was clear, I set it off in the middle of the dance floor. It got everyone's attention, for sure. Long story short, I was eventually charged with terrorism, that I intended to blow up the Legion and kill everyone in it. Not good. My lawyer suggested that completing a 28 day addictions treatment program in Thunder Bay, would make the judge happy. Off I went.

I acted my way through treatment. By the end of it, I knew I was an alchoholic, but there was no way that I was going to admit my life was unmanageable. About 50% surrender. I then proceeded to beat the terrorism rap, with strict instructions from the judge not to consume alchohol during my 2 year probation. After fingerprinting (again) at the city jail, I went straight to the bar and got drunk. For the next 5 years, I tried every method imaginable to control my drinking. Nothing worked. I was becoming more and more discusted with myself, but I could not stop. The night of March 20, 1990, I ran a cop car off the road and was charged with impaired driving and cocaine possession. When I woke up the next morning, I knew I was done. I called a guy I knew in AA and went to my first meeting that night.

I threw myself 100% into recovery. I went to every meeting I could. I got a sponsor and started talking to him. I started reading the Big Book and the 12 x 12. My unmanageability was blatantly revealed to me. I was told to put my AA recovery at the very top of my priority list and keep it there. I did, even through the inevitable divorce 1 year later and watching my 2 young children leave with their Mother. Even through finding out 2 weeks later that the boyfriend I didn't know about, moved in with my kids and ex wife as soon as I moved them back home. Surrendering 100% to AA has saved my life. I am now living a life that I did not know existed, far beyond my wildest dreams. I am so grateful that I was able to surrender 100%. I've seen way too many alchoholics die, who could not, or would not, completely surrender to AA. That's the abreviated version of my journey to step one, Brothers and Sisters. I look forward to reading yours....

[sticker]

well my addiction started young first swiping booze from the parents and then since i have never looked my age found out i could get served at bars at the age of 14. Ended up getting married at 15..so to support a family i turned to dealing. picked up a good habit. Got a divorce for my 18th bday hooked up with a stripper and hit the road. Picked up some felonies, looking at some good time..a guy showed up in court told the judge he was from a thing called t.a.s.c. treatment alternatives to street crime and thought i was a good candidate. 10 yr deferred sentence..go to treatment, couple weeks in they find my stash in the ceiling...didn't confront me with it. after 3 days i asked wtf i know you got my stash..they asked me why i was still there, they heard i was a runner. Told em i was tired of running, they let me stay. when i got out went to a halfway house and started hitting meetings. got my first taste of NA only 2 meetings in the whole state back then and i was lucky enough to be in a city with one..i knew i had found my home. Got my yr moved..no NA. picked up again and was off and running

few yrs down the road..met the love of my life had a son started gettin my ducks in a row. a couple of my closest running partners got out of prison we hooked up...yea you guessed it..off and running. Ended up losing everything and everyone. back locked up. looking at time again. When they caught up with me I was in sorry shape..track marks, hadn't slept for a while, amphetamine induced psychosis i think they called it. Was given another chance. got clean back to NA this was the yr our basic text was fist published. NA had grown and was sprouting up everywhere. Once again..I was home. Became a service junkie..we started doing prison meetings..My God what a blessing those were. After about 5yrs clean got my family back. Could not believe the blessings this way off life were giving to me. Had everything I had lost back.

So what do I do...start to forget what had brought me these blessings, that's what this addict does. Started to cut out service work..go to fewer meetings, stop hanging with people in recovery. So with around 9yrs clean I decide it will be different this time..I know how to handle it now, I pick up, phuk!!! once again I lose everything and everyone. Load up a syringe with what I'm sure is fatal dose..put it in my arm felt it headin up my neck and was ready..but God said no..not your time. I knew I had to do something, I was suicidal and homicidal..i new if i didn't do something now someone was going to die..pretty much forced my way into treatment I needed a place where i was safe from ME..go to my old home group was met with so much joy and love. People told me how they had been praying i would live long enough to come back in the doors. One of the old timers ended by saying, Don't keep coming back..This time STAY..this old biker cried.

as i read the latest addition of the basic text I came across a paragraph that said surrender means not having to fight anymore..this biker cried. I have been fighting my whole life and I'm DONE. I had never bent my knees to anyone or anything...I got on my knees, not out of any religious belief but as a sign of surrender. I have never felt such a relief in my life. My long suffering wife got clean and took me back. We both are responsible for our recovery and life is good we both have over 7yrs BUT i will not EVER let my guard down again..I know why i have these blessings in my life!!!!!! Thanks to the GOD of MY understanding and the program of NA just for today I never have to use again...sorry to get a little long. But you asked

[Rarly Harley]

Originally Posted by sticker

Thanks to the GOD of MY understanding and the program of NA just for today I never have to use again...sorry to get a little long. But you asked

Sticker: Thanks for opening up Bro. You just made my day....

[harleyrunt]

My whole life since I can remember has been fix things for everyone, be perfect, make sure all my loved ones and friends are safe, make sure no one I know gets hurt or feels bad ect.... Because my sister got pregnant young (I was 12) and was irresponsible my father had total control of my life so i didn't screw up. After my sister's oldest was about a month old she was no fun for my sister. Since my sister had her head up her butt. Her husband worked all the time to pay the bills, which half of the time my sister didn't do. My parents were still living the lifestyle so I was 12 1/2 raising a new born. I went to work my first job at 15 by the time of my senior year of high school I was working 2 part time jobs going to high school 3 hrs a day and the local college for 4 hrs and still had my sister's oldest a majority of the time. I graduated couldn't afford college anymore and couldn't get financial aide so I got a job at a local factory (The one my dad worked at I was 4 generation to go through that plant) and a part time job I worked roughly 70 hours a week still found time for the oldest of my sister's children. I had to work two jobs most of the time to give her money for the kids which their were now three. Now I had to give you that info to make the rest of this make since. My first addiction at 15 I became an anorexic why? I had no control in my life my dad and mom because of my sister's mistakes controlled every aspect of my life, but I figured out they couldn't control what I ate. It was the only leverage I had. When My sister took the kids and moved down south I was about 20 that when it really got bad I worked in a hot factory and ate only a plum and a bag of pretzels and drank water. 4-5 days a week I worked a part time job as I said but if I did not work I walked at least 2-3 miles that night and didn't eat after 6:00 pm. No one realized I had a problem or they looked right past it. Eventually my parents realized when I was standing in our yard in a sun dress and my godfather grabbed a hold of my hand held up my arm looked at me and my dad and said "Hello does anyone not see you are killing yourself" BUSTED I mean come on after my sis left and I didn't have to work to pay her bills and people started to catch on I kept working that part time job so I could say yeah I ate today. (The addict lying starts here) Then when confronted I told people "I don't have a problem I am not like those other people that puke" (The justification of the addiction starts here) At 19 My bladder and kidney disease started due to heredity and the anorexia kicked it in high gear, but I managed to stay working till 24. Well everyone figures out she's got a problem. Now I am no way downing or blaming my family. I take full responsibility for my actions past and present. I am just telling my story. My father took control of my recovery I worked with him so I had to eat with him. No more second job. Ate at home every night with the parents and once a week I stood backwards on the scale for my mom and dad. I did get myself cleaned up and only slipped a little when I got my first place a lone and it was called by my doctor basically a change of habit slip not intentional. Live alone who do you cook for and you have crap eating habits. About 7 years go by in that time I became a widow, divorce' and a really sick person due to my disease progressing. Then my grandfather was killed. He was my best pal. My world fell apart I was back to living alone. I started going out on the weekends the whole week of my grandfather's death , funeral, ect.... I was drunk and that is the first time anyone in my family really saw me drink I was never a drinker I don't like the taste of alcohol. So after I nursed my dad through the death of his father about a year after that I had the summer off from where I went back to work part time because it was a school. I fell into a great big pile of cocaine. Now I was raised a biker's child seen it and more my whole life and never touched it once. I just gave up on life and everything else. I dealt to cover my party. My parents never confronted me about it, but I mean come on they were biker's they had to know. If they would have asked I would not have lied. I am straight up and can swear on my grandfather's grave I NEVER lied about using if asked, I never sold my body for drugs, I never stole for drugs. THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME LESS OF AN ADDICT THEN ANYONE ELSE THOUGH I REALIZE THAT. Then I ran into a guy I dated from 16-18 and his wife left him. We started dating we partied and dealt together to cover our head but with him it was so easy. He didn't HAVE TO HAVE IT like me he could take it or leave it I think he did it to make me happy. I knew I had to quit so for about a month or two it became with my "friends" we will call them " HR'S last party" that just made it worse. So I just stopped trying to stop no more last party no sobriety date . Once I took off the "quit date" and cut off all my associations with my "friends" I just quit. I am not saying I have not slipped not a lot but I have. I married my husband it was HP's plan we did not stay together as teens we had to go live our lives and the HP brought us back together when it was meant to be. My last slip in October of last year. In my eyes that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me IT BROUGHT ME HERE TO YOU GUYS MY SOBER FAMILY!!!! A year later from my quit time I married a wonderful man, endured major surgery, and was told today I am 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant, something the docs said would not happen. It is a high risk pregnancy so PRAY FOR US PLEASE!!!! Rarly I don't know what you think but I think I def. took the wrong road to figuring out I am not Ms. Fix It, and I Can't Control Everything. I got to let it up to fate and my HP. I know I have been a lurker on here and hopefully the comments I have left have helped others, but after Rarly's post tonite it inspired me to tell you guys everything from start to finish. I hope I did not take up to much of your time or bore you, but I have noticed members when they start to come here they will do a post and it's kind of like "This is me, this is what I have done and this is where I'm at" Well that is what I have done with this post. Some of you probably are thinking this is overdue. So...... THIS IS ME, WHO I AM, WHERE I AM AT Thank you all and a special thanks to Rarly. :ghug

[sticker]

HR thanks so much for sharing that with us..I am honored you felt comfortable enough with us to do that. I dont know about you but it felt really good for me to do it. helps me remember where i came from and who i was. with a strong emphasis on WAS. Today I have a choice..today I chose to LIVE LAUGH & LOVE...CLEAN

[Rarly Harley]

HR: Doesn't it feel good to finally find a group of like-minded souls, that you can learn to trust enough to open up to...? It's like, " me too, I felt that way, I experienced that, maybe I'm not so unique, here's a bunch of folks who are just like me. They are staying clean and sober, maybe I can too...!" I am so very grateful that you opened up to us. You are safe here and not alone anymore. Have you been able to connect with any F2F 12 step meetings yet...?

:ghug

[toad]

Originally Posted by Rarly Harley

Let's share our own stories about how we surrendered, joined AA/NA and completed Step One......

Alchohol was my best friend for a number of years. Probably from age 20 to 30. It allowed me to be and do anything I wanted. It was the solution to all my problems (so I thought). By 1982, however, I had crossed the invisible line from binge/party drinking, to active alchoholism, but I didn't know it. I was flying striker's colours for a 1% club and my handle was "Mad Dog". I could perform this role easily enough when I was drunk and stoned, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to face what I had done the next morning.

An internal "tug of war" began in my guts. I didn't like that much, so the sure cure to terminate the internal battle was to drink upon awakening. I had completely turned away from organized religion and everything it stood for, but even though I had abandoned all that, there was a power at work in my life. In late 1982, the girl I had taken hostage told me she was pregnant. I immediately responded with "let's get married then". This response did not come from me. I had always cut and run all my life, if any girls got too close.

I got married, quit the club and moved north. Only trouble was, I took me with me. I worked in a sawmill in White River. My drinking got worse. I would disappear for days at a time. We had a son, but that didn't slow me down. I made a home made bomb (plastic bag with proprietory gas mixture...LOL) for the Halloween dance at the Legion Hall. At the end of the dance, when the dancefloor was clear, I set it off in the middle of the dance floor. It got everyone's attention, for sure. Long story short, I was eventually charged with terrorism, that I intended to blow up the Legion and kill everyone in it. Not good. My lawyer suggested that completing a 28 day addictions treatment program in Thunder Bay, would make the judge happy. Off I went.

I acted my way through treatment. By the end of it, I knew I was an alchoholic, but there was no way that I was going to admit my life was unmanageable. About 50% surrender. I then proceeded to beat the terrorism rap, with strict instructions from the judge not to consume alchohol during my 2 year probation. After fingerprinting (again) at the city jail, I went straight to the bar and got drunk. For the next 5 years, I tried every method imaginable to control my drinking. Nothing worked. I was becoming more and more discusted with myself, but I could not stop. The night of March 20, 1990, I ran a cop car off the road and was charged with impaired driving and cocaine possession. When I woke up the next morning, I knew I was done. I called a guy I knew in AA and went to my first meeting that night.

I threw myself 100% into recovery. I went to every meeting I could. I got a sponsor and started talking to him. I started reading the Big Book and the 12 x 12. My unmanageability was blatantly revealed to me. I was told to put my AA recovery at the very top of my priority list and keep it there. I did, even through the inevitable divorce 1 year later and watching my 2 young children leave with their Mother. Even through finding out 2 weeks later that the boyfriend I didn't know about, moved in with my kids and ex wife as soon as I moved them back home. Surrendering 100% to AA has saved my life. I am now living a life that I did not know existed, far beyond my wildest dreams. I am so grateful that I was able to surrender 100%. I've seen way too many alchoholics die, who could not, or would not, completely surrender to AA. That's the abreviated version of my journey to step one, Brothers and Sisters. I look forward to reading yours....

Where's Rarly?............are you lurking.........hope so..........share something.

[TonyB]

Have not seen him for a while. I'll bet he's just snowed in and the power is out!!

[toad]

share this with me......

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels.We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon our spiritual condition.Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's willinto all of our activities."How can I best serve Thee -- Thy will (not mine) be done.

and this from the grapevine.............

Isolation is bad for new people, old people, and in-between people if they are alcoholic people. Isolation sneaks up on us. We can mask it with familiar props that are not in themselves bad. We can isolate ourselves in an attempt to clean up our apartments (and then not do the cleaning); we can isolate ourselves in churches or in sleep; we can use family, sweethearts, compulsive working, television. The list is long. The nicest way to end it is the way you and I do: together. Reach out -- people can't read your mind. Say ouch! Someone hears. Always.

[toad]

Surrender to win?

Give it away to keep it?

Don't judge, stay with the winners?

Let go, Let God?

[toad]

share this with me..............

"No alcoholic. soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim "soundness of mind" for himself."
As Bill Sees It
p. 141

[toad]

Somewhat to our surprise, staying sober turns out not to be the grim, wet-blanket experience we had expected! While we were drinking, a life without alcohol seemed like no life at all. But for most members of AA, living sober is really living -- a joyous experience. . . The trick is to stay and to live sober.
- Living Sober, Foreword