Relationships

[leviathon]

Hi Mark,

Ok, from a prior thread on here you know my background...left home at 13, abusive home, etc., etc.

One of the areas of my life that I KNOW I have long term consequences from my childhood is that of relationships. All of my relationships with the exception of one or two have been with people who were messed up in some way.

For example, one was abused sexually by her father for the majority of her childhood; several have been raped; another had her father, step mother and two step sisters murdered in cold blood by her step brother... you get the idea...

I know that the only common denominator in ALL of my relationships is me. I know often that my involvement has been a result of the "white knight" syndrome (as I call it). I can "save" you. I know now that is not possible.

So I meet this woman lately. I find her VERY intriguing. At the same time I find warning bells going off. She seems to be disclosing a history of having dated all these men that have all turned out to be "psychos" which takes me back to the "the only common denominator here is ...". I am keeping my distance... although it is hard. She is very intriguing.

My issue: how do I move beyond what I have learned and my own disfunction such that I can have a truly healthy relationship? Any books or work or activities that you could recommend?

Thanks Levi

[historyteach]

Hi, Levi;

Mark will be here to answer your concerns.
In the meantime, though, I'd like to point out that NONE of us come without baggage. Granted, some have more than others, but, if we've lived, we've been scared. It's life. So, why not take a look at Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I think you will find it very helpful, in overcomeing that white knight syndrome and learning to let go of what's not yours.
I wish you well...

Shalom!

[leviathon]

THanks Historyteach... My stock phrase is "we all come with baggage, the issue is whether it is carry on or sampsonite!" I'll have a look at the book.

Levi

[MarkSichelCSW]

Hi Levi
Some people are attracted to "exciting" people who are not good for them and you should listen to the alarams that go off in your head.

I've found sometimes people can get over this by dating or seeking out "boring" people....no drama, no abuse, no upset.....and try to tolerate being with that kind of a person. Sometimes people find out that they've found someone very loveable and they learn to redefine their thoughts on love and learn how to differentiate love from infatuation with drama & danger.

[historyteach]

It's interesting that you say that, Mark.
That's about what I've been thinking for myself. I've got a history of relationships with
"exciting" people/dates who turn out to be addicts of one type or another.
I just want someone "boring," that is to say, STABLE.
That just sounds so nice...
The one good point is that I can spot the dangerous ones early on now...I've got that part down pat!
It'll be great when I learn to spot those stable ones...

Shalom!

[leviathon]

THank you for the input.

I dont know about the "boring / stable" ones, I'll have to see.

You've given me more to think about.

Levi