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Old 04-27-2006, 01:59 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Male Sponsor - Female Sponsee

I am hoping to get some expert advice on the role of a Sponsor.

I am dating a recovering drug addict for 7 years. He has been in recovery for 12 years. He has taken on a role of a Sponsor. I have always been highly supportive of his role and his journerny through recovery until recently. He has been a sponsor to (2) men for over a year and has recently taken on (2) female sponsee's. I am having trouble with his role of Sponsor to the women.

My question is:

Is it right for a male sponsor to see female sponsee's in the privacy of his home - alone? He seems to be spending several nights a week - way into the late hours of the night - sometimes - midnight, meeting with these women. He meets with them on separate nights and tells me I am not allowed over because it makes these women uncomfortable when I am around. They call him all hours of the day and evening - sometimes very late. I thought there was some kind of NA rule that men should sponsor men and women should sponsor women. I guess I am feeling a little jealous but is this feeling uncalled for and is he right in this present setup? He has said there is no rule and he will contine to sponsor them wheather I am uncomfortable or not.

I appreciate any feedback. I want to be supportive but something just seems to feel wrong about this new setup. I want to know the rules of a sponser within the NA group and how can I be supportive of his new role with these women, if this is acceptable.

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Old 04-27-2006, 05:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Well Highlight, I have been sober almost 25 years now, and to my knowledge it has always been SUGGESTED that men work with men and women work with women.

When I read your post, I have to admit 'red flags' did go off for me. Many times in working with my sponsees especially when its one on one, and early in their recovery, we will go to a coffee shop, so that the session does not feel so intense to them. Yes, I do have sponsees over to the house when needed, however, again I am a woman, and I work with women. Yes I have had sponsees call me at all hours of the day or night, non sponsees also when they are in trouble.

I cannot tell you what to do, however, if it were me, I would come right out and 1. ask him why he is working with women, when it is STRONGLY SUGGESTED that men work with men and women with women and 2. tell him how 'uncomfortable' this whole sponsee thing with women was making me. I would then see what kind of response I got, and would probably know in my gut, having been with the guy for 7 years, what was really going on.

JMHO garnered from my E S & H.

Love and (((((to all))))),

God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road
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Old 04-27-2006, 05:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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No Good Will Come Of This!!
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Old 04-28-2006, 04:27 AM   #4 (permalink)

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Red Flags and No Good Will

Thank you both for your response. I honestly was not sure how the NA group handled this process. I guess deep in my heart I know he has some other motive. These women are not early in their recovery process. I have approached him and in a loving and caring way expressed my feelings. He totally disregards my feelings about this and just quickly places me in the very jealous category. I tried to explain to him that jealousy is a reaction to an action. He is now working with one of the women on the Sex Idol step, a step he must cleary enjoy.
I know it is time to let go, I just needed some feedback on something I already knew.

God Bless!
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Old 04-28-2006, 04:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You know... we dont have to tell you.

You have a gut... whats it say? We dont even know your husband but what we do understand is he is using his 'sponsor' role as a ticket to ride.

Next time, call him out... tell him you will stay quietly in the car. If he resists or hesitates, there ya have it. If he becomes defensive, file for divorce lol. Defensive = double dippin' in da honey pot.
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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any self respecting AA member does not sponser those with different genatals to their own.

Print this thread off and show it to him.
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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That too is my understanding. But what a thrifty little thinker she has there... my first call would be to VERIFY his role as a sponsor. That alone could be all the foot work that needs to be done.

I could come home and say "Im a sponsor now" and run all over town all hours of the night. Although his tactics are that of a dog, I must say I respect his resourcefulnesss lol.
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Five
any self respecting AA member does not sponser those with different genatals to their own.
Uh, well, I have seen situations where opposite-sex sponsors have worked OK, but certainly not under the types of conditions indicated here.
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Old 04-28-2006, 09:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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After calling and verifying his 'Sponsor' status, have this printed and hand it to him.

His hole will be so big it would take a backhoe to dig him out.

Furthermore, if he is actually a sponsor, AA needs to know what he is doing. He is taking advantage of the position in several ways which would be highly frowned upon.

Other women need to be protected to keep these programs as safe as possible. They are priceless to some and NOONE should ever have to fear walking into any sort of a recovery environment.
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Old 04-28-2006, 12:36 PM   #10 (permalink)

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Originally Posted by highlight
He is now working with one of the women on the Sex Idol step
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Old 04-28-2006, 01:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by highlight
He has said there is no rule and he will contine to sponsor them wheather I am uncomfortable or not.
That, to me, is a HUGE red flag right there. This is his way of saying that he has absolutely no regard for your feelings. If things were really on the up and up, he would at the least let you meet these women. I dated a recovering drug and alcohol addict several years ago, and he actually invited me on a couple of twelve-steps (with other men). I was so impressed with him, for letting me into that part of his life.

Here's a hint: Is his reaction towards you different in relation to his male sponsorees than these female ones?

If what you mean by the Sex Idol step is what I've been referred to as the 13th Step, he needs to be pulled aside and had a talk with. This is dangerous territory, and he is jeopardizing not only the women's recovery, but also the mens and his own.

I wonder what would draw people to such a cad?

There's my 2 cents.
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Old 04-28-2006, 06:53 PM   #12 (permalink)

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Yes, it indeed is a big red flag.

You mentioned "Here's a hint: Is his reaction towards you different in relation to his male sponsorees than these female ones? "

Yes, his reaction is absolutely different. He does not have a problem having me around when he meets with his male sponsees. He has started to lie about the phone calls as well - telling me it is someone else rather than the truth - female sponsee.

I wish I could do something and have someone else approach him but I have no contacts with his group members or his sponsor. I guess in time, these women will learn a very hard lesson.

He is putting 110% into these relationships and on the surface he seems like the perfect caring guy - willing to listen, willing to be there for comfort day or night. Isn't that what we all want? But I know the truth will surface in time and lessons will be learned - the good part is that I will not be around to see the results.

Thank you for confirming my beliefs and making me stand taller and stronger.
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Old 04-30-2006, 09:43 AM   #13 (permalink)
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You may wish to read this thread

After that, I would contact someone in his group. Something is not right here.
Hope springs eternal!
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Old 04-30-2006, 09:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Dear highlight,
Hi, I already responded over on the other board where you also posted this. But I am also wondering, how do you know what he's talking with these women about? Were you eavesdropping or did he tell you outright? It's highly frowned upon that a sponsor reveal what is shared in sponsorship. I think there's a lot of judging going on throughout this thread, where we don't really know what this man is or isn't doing. I told you in my other post that I do believe he is disrepecting you by sponsoring women without your consent. However, after re-reading your original post, I now have to retract that statement. I initially thought you were his wife, but now I see you refer to him as a bf. He has not married you. Therefore he has every right to decide he is going to sponsor women, so long as he isn't trying to get into their pants. We don't have all the information. For all we know, since you said these women are not new to recovery, I sounds reasonable to me that they probably wouldn't have stayed clean this long if they were looking for something more than sponsorship. There may just be no women suitable to sponsor them within a reasonable distance. Many areas, like where I live, have few women available to sponsor and virtually no women with longterm clean time who will sponsor. I haven't heard any evidence that would prove your bf is doing ANYTHING else. And, I think it very unspiritual that anyone here would jump on the bandwagon of judging this addict 12 years into recovery, just because he has taken on a female sponsee. IMO, what you need is Alanon to help you apply spiritual principles in dealing with life circumstances, such as jealousy, control and powerlessness.

~~~ Love ME, Love my PUGS! ~~~

Last edited by daydream; 04-30-2006 at 09:19 PM. Reason: speeling errur
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Old 05-01-2006, 05:52 AM   #15 (permalink)

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Thanks for your input. I am not here on this forum to bash my BF or put him on trial, I happen to love him. I was here to get some expert advice. You are right, he can sponsor anyone he desires. I just needed to know if there were some kind of NA rules relating to Male/Female sponsorship - It just didn't seem right for this to take place in the privacy of a man's home. We live in an area where there are many public places to meet and there are multiple womes only groups where meetings are held every day of the week. There is way more to it daydream - other pieces (of evidence) that if I shared, you would say differently.

All the other red flags are my own issues with this relationship. And to answer your question, no I do not eavesdrop. He shared with me the information but never details.
Again daydream, the issue is not that he has taken on female sponsees - like I said earlier I have always been supportive, it is all the circumstances around it. Yes, he is 12 years in recovery but certainly not clean for the entire time and will alwys take one day at a time.

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Old 05-06-2006, 11:46 AM   #16 (permalink)

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Cool Male/Female Sponsor/Sponsee

I was searching the internet for information on sponsor/sponsee male/female "do's and don'ts." I am a female and have been sober for nearly 17 months. I found my sponsor 9 months ago and he happened to be a 24 year sober man. I knew that they say in the program that it would be wise to get the same sex gender but because of the abuses I suffered as a child by a "male" (dad) I feel God led me to seek this individual. Over the past 9 months I have seen how a good and honorable man is supposed to be as I had no good role models shown to me when I was young. I have a boyfriend of 7 years who is not an addict or alcoholic and he can't help me on my road to recovery as a man who knows the road could.

I look at my sponsor as a very trusting and kind individual. He has helped me greatly in my recovery and I have been to his home and visited with his mom. There has never been anything more than friendship between us. Now I feel as I move forward and am gaining the tools for my own independance it has come to a time where I need to work with a female sponsor and am keeping my eyes open for one. I do believe in some cases, the gender difference can be of some help to some as I know in my case it has been a great benefit as I now have learned how to look for a man of honor as I have seen one displayed for me.

If your boyfriend loves you then you can't lose him. You could lose him by not trusting him as who likes that? Trust is the number one top ingredient in successful relationships. Don't get me wrong as I totally understand where you are coming from but I also know we can't let our mind take us to places that causes harm in not only ourselves but in our relationships. We all know how destructive that can be. My advice to you is to give him the space to do what he needs to do. Come at him differently with love, support and acceptance and push the jeolousy aside with the positive and kind thoughts as that is the way to re-establishing your bond with him. It's like anything in life, the more we push for what we want, the more we lose what we really want. Once you let go and accept this I bet he will move forward to you with more love and understanding for your feelings. At least in my life, that is what I've discovered.

Remember, jeolousy is a green demon. Once it awakens in our thoughts it grows and grows and most of it is completely unfounded. We can look for any little thing and create our own "reality" just by our own insecurities.

Hope it works out for you and I know how much you love him as you have been with him 7 years as I have had my boyfriend for the same amount of time.
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