how do you detach?

[journeygal]

Hi all,

Detachment doesn't mean leaving or ending a relationship. It means letting go of whatever it is you're trying to control.

What are successful ways you have found to detach? What behaviors did you have to end to keep from being consumed by your A's addiction? Every situation is different, so the key is to examine the things you're doing, and figure out what things you need to stop doing.

For example, here's my list, copied from LWH's thread:

1. I don't answer phone calls in the middle of the night asking for drug money and I don't wire any money via Western Union.
2. I don't try to control my A's whereabouts, his friends, what he wears, or what does with his life.
3. I don't lie to his family or boss about his whereabouts if I suspect he's using.
4. I don't retrieve his stuff from the pawn shop.
5. I don't nag him about his using, recovery, rehab, sponsor, or going to meetings.
6. If I don't think I can trust him with money or whatever, I make sure my a$$ is covered and I do not put him or me in a situation where he is bound to not follow through and I'm up the creek.
7. If he says he's going to do something, I don't run to his rescue if he doesn't follow through.
8. I don't waste all my time and energy talking or thinking about his using or recovery.
9. If he wants to talk about it, I listen - I don't offer suggestions or advice.
10. I ask myself as often as necessary if it's worth it to remain in this relationship.

I'm not there 100%, but I'm working on it.

It all boils down to letting go of feeling responsible for the addiction and any and all consequences of it. My husband's addiction isn't and has never been about me, I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it, and I had to learn how to separate my life from it. When someone is in active addiction, it is so much harder to separate from it, but in order to remain in a relationship with someone who's using, we have to detach or we go nuts. And if we can't detach, leaving may be the better option. Their drama doesn't have to be our drama, but if the situation ever turns dangerous for you or anyone in your family, it's definitely best to leave.

What are some other ways you have found to detach?

[Voo'sBaby]

Hey Journeygal, I am still in the baby steps of detatching, but in my case I had to think long and hard about ME and what I could do to separate myself from Voo. It was hard.

This is what I found:

I will NOT see him everyday, only limit it to a few minutes a week, one or two times at the most.

I will not be there when he goes to meet his "friends"

I will not give him any money, under any circunstances.

I will not expect him to show up, even when we make plans.

and the hardest one for me even right now...

I will not believe him when he says anything anymore. Ohh yeah, this one hurts, stings even, today!

Thanks for starting this, I needed it today.

[LivingWithHope]

I think my list is what I am TRYING to do to detach.
The only thing that I have followed through completely on was the restraining order and that one I still have to keep telling myself I'm doing the right hting.

But I'm learning that for me, I tnink detachment would be:
1. Learning not to listen to quacking. Better yet, not letting his quacking affect me.
2. Not give him any money under any circumstances.
3. Not get his stuff out of pawn.
4. Don't lie for him.
5. Follow through on what I say I am going to do if he uses.
6. Think about my own recovery and let him take care of his.
7. Don't cover up w/ his family. I don't run to them anymore, but I don't lie when they ask me now, either.
8. Make sure that my dd and I are taken care of financially - just in case.
9. Continue to separate him and the disease.
10. Take care of my dd first and foremost!!

[mooselips]

Hi Jg,
I am a work in process...but, as of right now:

1. I am learning not to react, and be patient.
2. Indentify my own behavior, why I want to "fix" everything
and everyone.
3. I will not give money, period.
4. I will not lie to cover up my A, I will direct any questions back to them.
5. I will be strong, and create boundaries I can be comfortable with.
6. I will work my program EVERY day.
7. I will have faith in my Higher Power.
8. I will let go of negative thinking.
9. I will trust my gut feelings and go with them.
10.I will not be "sucked" into any more drama.
11.I will not take verbal abuse personally.
12.I will let the answering machine filter all my calls.



(It sounds like an official oath of a Codie...lol)

[beedfreek]

Well, I'm having a really hard time with this one, but here are the baby-steps I've taken:

1. I keep some of my money hidden away.
2. Let all the reasons it's "my fault" when he uses go in one ear & out the other.
3. Don't belive a word he says whether he's stoned or sober.
4. No longer search through his personal belongings or dig through the trash can searching for evidence of him using.

There. I hope one day my list will be as long as everybody else's,LOL!!!

Ya'll's friend,
Robin

[Voo'sBaby]

As much as I want to, I will NOT get into why he missed work, and I won't ask him to explain his sucking up to me and all the quacking he's been doing for the past week and a half..:saywhat?: He's had to do it quickly though, I am not around him for a very long stretch of time anymore.

[California Wife]

1. I keep a separate bank account for our bills & expenses (he's not working)

2. I don't nag about whether or not he's attending his meetings

3. He's in charge of getting himself to bed and up in the morning (if he forgets to set his alarm, or sleeps alll night on the sofa that's his problem)

4. I don't make excuses for him if he decides not to go to family gatherings (I just say that he couldn't make it and if people ask why, I say,"I'm not sure, you'll have to ask him.")

5. I don't try and control who he is friends with...but I AM honest about my feelings, so if he is going to hang out with one of his old using buddies I let him know that it makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable. I can't control his life, but I can be honest about my feelings.

6. Actions speak louder than words. I am learning to trust by seeing his actions, not relying on broken promises. Seeing is believing.

I'm still working on the rest- this is a work in progress.

[journeygal]

You guys get it!!!! Once we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves, we begin to release ourselves from their drama and can start concentrating on our own issues.

[Voo'sBaby]

Here are a few more that I need to keep doing... BTW, I stuck to my guns about the not questioning Voo on why he was not at work...

I will not worry wheather or not he is keeping warm during this cold snap.

I will not wonder where he is spending his weekend, or with who.

I will concentrate on myself and the things I need to take care of.

I will take care of myself, keep myself warm and toasty.

I will remind myself that I can love Voo, but I need to let him be.

I will remind myself that I can't fix it for him....

Some days are better than others..

Bethany

[Ann]

JG and gang

Do you realize how truly inspirational this thread is??? It's great to see a list of real-life suggestions and watch them at work.

Hugs to all of you.
Ann

[Hangin' In]

Holy cow, where is that button??? There is it.

PRINT, PRINT, PRINT, PRINT!!!!!!!!

Good, now I'm going to stick this thread in my bra and take it everywhere I go! (Us old folks need reminders, ya know?... )

[Ann]

Us old folks could use a little something extra in our bra's :LMAO

[devastated]

This is a great thread! Before I make my list, I am devil-possessed to respond to Hangin' In and Ann! Here's what I have to say about the "bra" thing! You guys think you have problems, the only thing I use my bra for is to carry home my groceries! he, he!

Like Mooselips and Beedfreak, I, too, have been doing the baby-steps thing. However, I think I'm doing better than I was a year ago! Here's my list:

1. I will not give my son money in any shape or form!

2. I will not pay for his storage unit!

3. I will not pay for his cellphone!

4. I will NOT BAIL him out of jail!

5. I will not send him food certificates!

6. I will not send him phonecards!

7. I will not worry about him sleeping in the cold!

8. I will not worry about him missing a meal!

9. I will not let him disrespect my boundaries or me! (this is a fairly new one, but I'm sticking to it!

10. I'm not obsessing on him all day long....I now have set
a certain hour aside for that (per MissyBelle)!

11. I'm starting to spend his inheritance having fun!

Good thread, nice to see we're making some progress!

Hugs, Devastated

[beedfreek]

I have a couple more

1. I have made up MY mind about what I will and will not tolerate.

2. I express my anger when something makes me angry; I no longer wait, let things build up, then explode with rage.

Well, is that detachment or self-improvement, or both? Now, I'm confused.

[journeygal]

Those are more along the lines of setting boundaries and changing your reactions, but you're still in the right ballpark.

[beedfreek]

Darn it!! I thought my little list was getting longer!

O well, back to the drawing board.........

[abtchonamission]

Thanks alot for this one. I didn't have the slightest clue what I needed to do, now I at least know where to begin. I hope it isn't as hard as I suspect it's going to be. I don't know if I can do this, but i know I have to try, so maybe I'll finally get somewhere with this. Thank you.

[jstacntryrose]

This is good, really good!!!!!!!!!!!
My list about the same. I am still working on it.

[Mungg]

I am new by 1 day. The hardest thing for me is to detach from my son. I still don't know how I can do it

[Mary Petunia]

I am so glad this thread re-surfaced! I REALLY needed to read this today. I can detach. I WILL detach. I can do it!!!

"My husband's addiction isn't and has never been about me" Amen to that. Something that I have tried to keep in mind lately is the very wise advice my counselor recently gave me. I said, "My husband chooses his drug of choice over me... what does that say about ME?" and, without hesitation, he said, "NO, what does that say about HIM?" How true. Now if I could only BELIEVE it!

[Muf]

I'm still batling detaching,but I have made my mind up about this..This is for my oldest son,the othere son comes later

1 i will not give my son any money
2 I will not listen to abuse on the phone I will hung up
3 I will not get stuff out of pawn shop no matter what.
4 I will give him back his bank card it he blow his rent that is his problem
5 I will not drive by his place to see if he is home
6 I will not listen to his lies or belive any thing he tells me.
7 I will not run over when he calls and teelhe is soooooooooo depresse
8 I will not be used any more.
9 I Will let him grow up at 37
:bigeyes:

[2Sunshine]

I detached by realizing that everything that was important to me was apparently not important to him and me believing that it should be was futile, weighty, and not going to get it.

By understaning that he was his own person and had to be responsible for his own actions and had to suffer his own consequences for his choices.

By understanding that my well-being was very necessary to my own survival.

By realizing that I could not control his actions or his feeling nor force him to take care of himself.

By understanding that addiction is a very powerful thing.

By knowing that if I did not separate from him, his trouble was going to come knocking on my door.

By understanding that verbal, mental and emotional abuse were not an option for me nor our daughter.

That was a few things that I dug up from the grave yard!!!!!!!

Okay so what is the difference between letting go, boundaries, and detaching? I mean is there one? I plan on looking up the definitions also, if I can!! Thanks!!

[iamunique]

Since I have Three A's in my life I have alot of detaching to do! To me, detachment doesn't mean I don't love them, doesn't mean I have to leave them but I certainly don't have to love what they do. Their feelings are their feelings and mine are mine.
Their problems are their problems and mine are mine. I own my feelings and problems and they own theirs. I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for the bad news about my son. I don't feel guilty when I don't give him that lousy two dollars. I don't have to be in a bad mood because their in a bad mood. I don't have to stay up all night worrying about them all. I can take care of myself and my recovery. I can set boundaries. I can let Go and Let God take care of them and Ditto to what every one else said! Iamunique.....You all are the BEST!

[miles2go]

I needed to read all these. thank you thank you thank you.....i need to get there and I"m the only one that can do it for myself