My sister's desperation

[Sophia57]

Hi Mark
I'm writing to ask your advice for my sister. Her eldest son dropped out of college about a year and a half ago after completing 3 years of a degree in computers. He's 24 now. At first he saw a psychologist for a while, was put on meds and sleeping tablets, seemed to improve but now he's refusing all treatment and stays holed up in his room all the time playing games or on the net.
My sister is a widow. Her husband died in an accident when my nephew was 12 and she has another boy and a girl. The girl was abused by my brother some years ago so life for them has been traumatic.
My sister is at her wit's end. She's tried everything with him but he's extremely hostile to her and has no motivation to do anything and, as I said, refuses treatment of any kind, even holistic.
Have you any suggestions that might help? The other two kids have left home and it's just her and him, so it's very tough day in day out. She works full-time and tries to keep herself busy but she's getting increasingly desperate and terrified he'll harm himself. I don't know how to help her other than to listen and try to get her to look after herself.
I've even thought maybe he should be signed in somewhere so he has to get help.
Thanks for listening.
Sophia

[MarkSichelCSW]

Do you have Al Anon meetings over in Ireland? That would be the best place to go for help and you could go with your sister if she's resistant. She says she wants help, but does she do anything to help herself? I know you want to help her but she's got to be cooperative. She could also go for some counseling with a therapist. That would help

[MarkSichelCSW]

By the way, your nephew has become your sister's boss in effect. She'll need to work on turning it around and being the boss of her own house.

[Sophia57]

Thanks Mark
My nephew doesn't have a problem with alcohol - in fact he doesn't drink at all. He was treated for depression but now is refusing anti-ds.
I totally agree with you that she should seek help for herself and have told her so over and over, but I guess she won't till she's ready.
He is the boss, exactly, but she's so scared he'll harm himself that she won't use any 'tough love' on him. That's the threat he holds over her.
This will continue as long as she allows it, and she's stuck in her fear for him. He has everything he wants at home, no need to work. Only has cyber friends and doesn't care about the future.
That's why I wonder, if she could bring herself to do it, whether committing him to a private centre for treatment for depression would be, well, 'being cruel to be kind'?
Would he ever forgive her if he got well?
Thanks so much for your help
Sophia