Am I in denial?

[RN92]

Mark, I am 34 and been nursing 13yrs. Ive never used drugs before and never been tempted. Ive worked in ER and ICU (very stressful departments). I have been diagnosed with major depression which has been controlled by Paxil x 10yrs. I noticed the Paxil just wearing off x 1 yr ago. My Doc recently tapered me off and put me on Lexapro. The Lexapro didnt work and I went into the worst depression Ive ever had. Thats when I started using Fentanyl. I wanted to sleep all of the time. Thats the only time I wasnt depressed (when I was asleep).I did this for 3 mo. I lost my job and had to go back to my therapist who put me on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. It was like someone turned the light back on and I became "me" again. Now, I realize the seriousness of what I did. Im going to aa meetings. I admit Im a drug abuser, but I have trouble saying Im a drug addict. I dont crave narcotics, Im not tempted (now). Now that Im not depressed, I dont need an escape anymore. Am I fooling myself? I truly believe that had I not been depressed wanting to die, I would never have used narcotics for an escape. The State Boards is requiring me to go through all of these support groups focusing on addicts and thats fine, but I feel like my depression was the problem. When I tell them I dont crave drugs and Im not tempted, they think Im in denial. People who have never experienced depression cant understand. Am I in denial? Do I need to look at this differently? Do you think its possible for me to return to my previous character, before the depressive episode and drug use?

[MarkSichelCSW]

I don't think you're in denial and I agree with you about it being much more a symptom of depression rather than an addiction.

However.....you now know that you're at risk for turning to drugs when the depression is unmanageable so you should use the required meetings to build up, in effect, relapse prevention rules.

Also...you will gain great benefits for dealing with depression in AA. The principals of the program and quite helpful to people who do not have addiction as their primary diagnosis.

Do I thik you'll return to your previous character before depression and drug use...I think you will to a large degree but you have to pay alot of attention to managing your depression because its something that can come back.

So use the meetings for your purposes in terms of not relapsing into drugs if you do get another round of depression and....you'll grow as a person and that'll also help you greatly with the depression.

[staywithit]

Been involved with 12-Step stuff for 25 yrs. i had a similiar situation yrs. back. i used drugs also. my father was a recovering alcoholic, and my mother was at his, and her family's side a 100%. my parents took me aside and firmly gave me hell, and let me know what a horrible road i'd go down if i kept it up. my father asked me to attend mtgs. with him, and i did. that was over 25 yrs. ago. i can honestly tell you that even when i've had hard times to get through, and felt depressed, i've never abused drugs since. i've had a mind set to on occasions when things were really bad, but i chose to do it differently. i've never found a better place to get through anything, or a better standard to live by, than those silly simple 12 steps. they became my life raft whenever i was on horrilbe waters. noone at the mtgs. will judge why you are there. all that's required is a desire. no dues, no membership bla, bla, bla, no making you do this or that, it's a guideline of suggestions. no cramming religion, and lots of unconditional love. and i've never seen it not strengthen a persons life in some fashion. even the ones who don't make it, still say it stuck with them. and you'll find some of the best belly laughs there you've ever had if you go long enough! and lots of miracles.

[FitnessBuff]

RN, I can relate to your story. I have a family history of alcoholism, and recently stopped drinking altogether because I noticed a trend of binge drinking on the weekends to the point where I would vomit. I went to an AA meeting this week, and the stories I heard were more like what my sister, who is an alcoholic is going through, than me. I am active in sports, and that helps me a ton. I am also on Lexapro and see a therapist weekly, if not, biweekly. I also meditate. One thing that I am not is Christian, so when I went to the meeting, they said the prayer at the end, and it was hard for me to recite it with the rest of the group.

I don't take drugs and I don't want to drink. I don't even miss it. I have it in my house, and don't drink it. My husband is a great support for me as well as my family and friends. I think if I kept it up, I would have been well on my way to being an alcoholic, but I don't think I am. I am prepared, spiritually and mentally to never have another drink again. That prospect is fine with me. I know it won't be easy at times. I had a sales meeting that I had to attend last week, and everyone was drinking. I felt like an outsider and went back up to my room to work and pack for the next day. I heard that a lot of inappropriate behavior took place and am so glad I was not a part of it. It was great to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the morning, as I saw my colleagues all hung-over and grumpy. The key (one of many) is to learn to rise above it. Use the tools available to you. My tools are my spirituality, the love for myself, my friends and family, and my love for athletics. I gotta be on my game, and that is a great reason for me me to stay sober.